Big Brother Recap: Throw Mama From the Train

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Previously on Big Brother, we learned that the producers dropped last year’s Racism theme for Misogyny, a young Marge Simpson was sent back to Springfield, and Devin and Caleb wore non prescription glasses, proving that Claire’s Boutique isn’t just for junior high girls rebellious enough to get their ears pierced without parent notes any more.

We open with Cody pretty upset about being disqualified from his HOH win because video replay showed his foot hitting the ground before he spanked the buzzer, also known as the push lights from the Dollar Store.

Zach tries to console him, but Cody won’t have it. He’s not getting a letter from his Dad, dammit. I have to say, I’m kinda disappointed, too. You know his Dad would have written something really dirty, like “I miss my tongue being in a mouth that didn’t have as many caps on the teeth as your mother’s. Come home and come often, Dad.”

Devin is ecstatic to be an HOH because there’ll be HGH and body wax in his basket. He’s also excited to see his kid. She’s the most important thing in his life. AW! Kids are so adorable when you only have to deal with them on Skype.

His HOH letter was written by his mom. She tells him that she’s paid his child support for him again and is still willing to pay for his schooling if he ever decides to make an effort at not being a fucking moron. He fake cries while he reads the letter, and I just sigh and shake my head.

Amber got a letter from her mom, too, and it basically says to remember not to give anyone the impression that she has a brain or they won’t respect her. Act like a meat puppet, do what the men tell you, and maybe they’ll like you enough to ask for oral at the end of all this and you can earn a bit of cash for yourself.

Caleb is trying to concentrate on the letter, but reading makes him tired. Even listening to someone else do it. He does imagine marrying Amber, though, and wants to take her home to teach her how to kill innocent pigs slowly with sticks.

Devin is still upset. Hearing from his mom has made him realize that he’s been a jerk the past couple of weeks. No, not by betraying his original alliance by inviting two people in that they hadn’t approved. No, not for being a misogynistic asshole who won’t let women play the game unless he grants them permission. Because he didn’t believe Donny wasn’t in the military. HUH?

He has to come clean, you guys! For his mother and his computer daughter. He tells Donny that he thought the janitor was really a brilliant person from the military, and Donny just kinda laughs. People think he’s a Vietnam vet all the time, but the worst that’s led to are coins being thrown at him when he sits outside at Starbucks. Devin’s thinking he’s a vet is a bad thing, cuz it could have sent him home.

You gotta love that someone was using “I thought he was in the military” as an excuse to evict on the week of July 4th while we’re in like 6 wars. This show is the classiest on TV when they don’t even try to be.

Donny decides to forgive the guy. First, because Devin could crush his skull with a head pat, and Second, because forgiveness always leads to better times. He used to get real steamed at the brats who left chewed up gum under the picnic table, but when ole Donny realized that it was mostly watermelon flavor, he changed his mind and now looks on the sticky litter as gifts. He hasn’t had to buy his own gum since. It’s all perspective.

Devin isn’t sated. He needs more approval and head pats, so he decides to call a house meeting to apologize for what he did to Donny. I honestly have no idea what his though process is, here, but I hope he blames something on a woman.

The meeting is called, and he goes into a really long monologue about how he’s got integridity and it’s important that his Skype daughter knows that his daughter is an honest man. He made Caleb nominate Donny in the first place! It’s all his fault!

So you just said you’re in an alliance with Caleb, and you also just completely blew Caleb’s story about nominating the first people out of the HOH challenge because he couldn’t decide on someone who deserved it. Sometimes the meathead assholes who dominate with their dicks are actually good at the game. This one? No.

This is possibly the dumbest cast of all time, so no one really thinks much of it. The Mom, though? Well, she just got dumped and has a lot of experience with deciphering douchebag English. She knows that Caleb and Frankie lied about the reason for putting her up and calls them on it. Then she assigns them weed duty for a month.

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