America’s Got Talent Recap: Red Pandas ARE Amazing

Greetings, Trashies! Right now, I’m thanking God/science/the universe/fate/whoever is running this existence that this week’s “America’s Got Talent” is only an hour, because I am right in the middle of the longest week EVER! Seriously, last night I went to bar trivia (team Blueberry Waffle Taco came in 2nd and won $20 to the bar as well as more tickets to see a band I’ve never heard of), I just got home from a Nationals game, tomorrow I’m going to see Dwight Yoakam, Saturday I’m going tubing on some river in VA (my friends talked me into go – I’m just a sheep following the herd), and Sunday is a kickball game. The gods of snarky recaps are smiling on me right now, so let’s get right into this week.

So, it seems we’ve finally left San Antonio for Chicago. I’m really getting sick of the judges saying, “I think we’ll find a winner in [city].” Yes, you will find a winner in one of the cities where you hold auditions. Anyway, Omega Force Strength Team is up first. The oldest member of their group is 75-years-old. He is the first thing the group showcases. It’s pretty impressive, but I have to do a little shameless bragging/one-upping here: GrandpopPhilly is 88-years-old and still bikes two miles each day.

ustv-americas-got-talent-episode-3-chicago-auditions-2These guys have also never sent me a birthday card.

The performance (I guess you’d call it that) goes on – cinder blocks are broken with elbows, Mr. Mariah is lifted (as seen in the photo above). It’s kind of cool, but I just can’t imagine a whole show being dedicated to this. Omega Force is impressive, but I can’t see people buying tickets just to see them lift things. Howard thinks they’re inspirational. Mel thinks they’ve got a bit of comedy and they’re a family show. Really? Were we watching the same show? Heidi has nothing of value to say. Howie thinks they’re “Power Rangers thirty years later.”

pr-where-austinstjohntodayNot so much.

Oh! There’s a bit of an issue with Howie. Until the concrete blocks came out, he didn’t know how hard everything was. That doesn’t really make sense, but, OK, Howie. Howard shuts him up by calling for a vote. Howie is a no. Heidi, Mel, and Howard are all yeses. I have to agree with Howie on this one. They were pretty impressive, but I don’t think they can stand alone in their own show.

We continue with the “working out is my talent” portion of the show as Team Rock does Tai Quan Do. Again, it’s cool, but it’s just kind of watching people work out on stage. I don’t think it’s the kind of thing that would have mass appeal. If you’re already interested in martial arts, you’d want to go see them. If it’s not your thing, you’d probably find something else to do. This one is a short and sweet yes.

America's Got Talent - Season 8They really showed those ladders who’s boss.

Next up, it’s Kyle and Darby. Juddfan, I meant to respond to you in the minicap, but this is the first time that I’ve used my personal computer since Tuesday. This is the act that Carol thought was creepy and I’ll explain why in a moment. Darby is five and Kyle is her cheerleading coach. Today, they’ll be stunting. I can’t really describe it, so here is the video:

Now, here’s why this is a little bit creepy. This is a guy who is not, apparently, related to Darby in any way. Kyle is merely her cheerleading coaching. How the hell did he have a conversation with Darby’s parents about this? “Hey, so, I’ve been coaching a group of toddler cheerleaders, but I think your daughter is special. I want her to stunt with me. That basically means that I want to throw her around and have her do splits on stage. Yes, I know she’s five.” The performance itself is kind of cool until you start thinking about the potential back story. Perhaps reading into this is just a girl thing to do. *Shrug.* This segment is pretty short, but it’s a unanimous yes. Also, Heidi lifts Howie and I have even more of a girl crush on her than I already did.

heidi-klum-new-balance-collection-launchThe woman is a beast! A gorgeous, gorgeous beast!

We come back from commercial with Kenichi performing a dance-ish. That’s actually what he said – “dance-ish.” Also, it makes me giggle that his name is so close to Kenny G. Apparently, Kenichi got into do dance-ish because he only knew how to do the running man. I’ll give him credit – that’s one more dance move than I know. The judges really look worried for this one. They shouldn’t be. Honestly, Kenichi’s performance was one of the coolest things I’ve seen in a long time.

(Performance starts at 1:27.)

How the hell does he make his body move like that? I can barely walk down the street without falling on my face most days! I can’t make fun of this. Damn people being actually talented! The audience and judges are all on their feet. No one is surprised that the judges are just blown away. This is the most obvious yes of the entire season so far. It doesn’t hurt that Kenichi is adorable beyond all human reason. I think I have a new crush. That image is ruined as soon as he shows us that he didn’t realize four yeses means he’s going to Vegas. At least he’s still cute.

Deanna DellaCioppa follows Kenichi. I like her already because she is a dog rescuer. I have a rescue pet myself and anyone who does what they can for these animals is awesome in my eyes.

56235_10100276997531838_160776701_oA little princess agrees.

Deanna is nervous because of her weight. I know how she feels. Girlfriend is seriously cute, but it’s always tough to be self conscious. Hell, I recently hit the 30-pound mark in my own weight loss journey. Despite being more than halfway to my goal and weighing less than I did in high school, I still feel horrible about myself. This weekend, I’ll be wearing a bathing suit for the first time in four years and I couldn’t be more terrified. Anyway, I personally think Deanna has nothing to worry about in the looks department. She’s got a really cool style about her. She just looks like someone who would be a singer.

Deanna-DellaCioppa-Americas-Got-TalentAlso, I am coveting those earrings.

The minute she opens her mouth to sing, it’s pretty obvious that Deanna should just sing at all times. She shouldn’t even speak anymore – she should just sing everything she wants to say. This is a video worth watching.

(Performance starts at 1:47.)

Is anyone going to be surprised when she gets a unanimous yes and breezes through to Vegas? Anyone? Yeah, that’s what I thought. She’s in tears by the end of the song. I’ve always been a believer that a true performance should leave the performer exhausted and emotional. That’s what Deanna did. We need to get her off the stage so I can go back to making fun of people. This is two people in a row I’ve really liked. I feel dirty for being so nice. It does worry me that Mel is concerned about Deanna hurting her voice belting like she did. I wonder if Mel realizes that trained singers know how to belt without actually losing their voices. If this is how Deanna has been singing her whole life, then I’m pretty sure she knows how to control it. Mel needs to shut up now.

When we come back from commercial, I finally get to make fun of someone again. Steve Price, a/k/a “Sprice” builds Rube Goldberg machines. In other words, Sprice’s talent is my eighth grade science project. How the hell doe she think he’s going to turn this to a show that people would actually pay to see? It would be like buying a ticket to watch people play Mouse Trap.

imagesIt would be the perfect show for a first (and likely last) date!

Sprice is seriously the most boring person I’ve ever seen and/or heard. He’s just so monotone. I can’t deal with it. Everyone on the panel (except Mel) knows what a Rube Goldberg machine is because they went to elementary school. Sprice takes them to the lobby to watch his machine. He asks Nick to knock over the first domino to start the chain reaction. So, in other words, Sprice didn’t actually perform anything. The machine works and a soccer ball ends up in a goal.

ustv-americas-got-talent-episode-3-chicago-auditions-4His talent was making dominoes stand up for a few minutes.

The judges keep saying they like this act. What act was there? Who would actually go see this as a show? If he is performing in a large venue, who is going to be able to see a marble roll down a ramp from the back row? I can’t imagine going to see a whole hour of someone’s Rube Goldberg machines working? Am I completely crazy to think the judges are stupid for putting this through?

And we’re back to someone who actually has a talent that people want to watch. Rong Niu is performing a traditional Chinese acrobatic act that involves her flipping bowls onto her head. This act also involves a unicycle with a very high seat. This is one where I’ll just add the video because it’s insanely hard to describe. You should watch the whole thing from the beginning because Mel has a hard time saying “juggle bowls.”

Looking this up on YouTube, I see that she goes by “The Amazing Red Panda.” That makes me happy because, yay, red pandas!

This video will never get old.

Anyway, The Amazing Red Panda of the human variety is pretty awesome. It’s one of those talents that makes me say, “How the hell did someone realize he or she was good at that?” I mean that it a good way. It’s obviously a cool talent. I just can’t imagine where one would start when learning how to do that. It’s another obvious yes. I do have to point out that Heidi said she was sweating during this performance. I think that has more to do with the fact that our Ms. Klum is dressed in a leather suit.

Here we go. It’s time for our heart strings to get a good tugging. The American Military Spouses Choir is our final act of the evening. As their name suggests, they are the spouses of men in the military. As a good friend of a female soldier, it would have been nice to see some men in this choir. I’m sure Corporal Big Deal (that’s what we’ve decided her name is) would agree with me. I’m not trying to talk down about the choir. This has got to be a wonderful support system for its members and they do a lot with music therapy and that’s just plain awesome.

images (1)In all seriousness, you do what you do ladies. Many thoughts and good vibes to you.
Also, is that Des from “The Bachelorette” on the left?

They are really very good. I think that could have gone without saying. It would have been really awkward to have a bunch of women whose husbands are on active military duty be terrible singers and then have to tell them that. The judges gush over the performance, Mel relates it to the time when the Spice Girls performed for the troops in Afghanistan, and the choir gets a unanimous yes.

So, there you have it – a super short episode of “America’s Got Talent.” What did you all think? Were you as happy as I was that it was only an hour? Were you disappointed that everyone we saw made it through and there were no train wrecks? Also, what do you all think of the new site? Anyway, thanks for reading and (hopefully) commenting. I’ll catch you all next week!