The Bachelorette Recap: A Mime Is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Greetings, Trashies! Before we begin, I have a little Bachelorette gossip! It seems that Andi has officially resigned as an Assistant District Attorney. I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that this has happened. I wonder if she’s realized yet that being The Bachelorette will not make her famous. Eh, she can always make other reality show appearances to pay the rent. Hell, that’s what everyone else does.

no idea
I’m sure these guys have no idea what I’m talking about.

OK, time to get right to the episode. Andi and the guys travel to Marseille, France to get the internation part of the show started. Andi tells us that this is the “perfect place to fall in love.” Didn’t she also say that about Connecticut and Santa Barbara? You know where is a good place to fall in love? Not on The Bachelorette. We get a montage of the men arrive and being stereotypical loud and obnoxious Americans. Not that I really expected anything different. Marquel tells us, because of where he’s from, he never expected to go to France because people don’t do that. Huh. I didn’t know people from Las Vegas didn’t travel to Europe. Also, Marquel, you’re originally from Rialto, California. You probably had a pretty comfortable life.

The first date card is waiting for them as they arrive at the hotel and it’s for Josh. It’s all written in French and I have no idea what it says. I took German in school. All I know how to say in French is from this commercial:

And it translates to “I am the little girl.”

Before the date begins, Andi meets with Chris Harrison where they talk about whether or not she’s falling in love. Andi just says “staaaaahp!” (DRINK!) and “fuck” and then admits that she’s catching the feels for a few of the guys. Also, she knows as much French as I do.

Andi arrives at the hotel to get Josh for their date. Can they really call it one-on-one time if an entire production crew is there? As they leave, Andrew is whining already. He thinks that his not getting a one-on-one date is Andi’s way of saying she’s going to send him home. He reads more into stuff than most 15-year-old girls. Seriously, most of the guys aren’t getting a one-on-one date. That’s how the show works. Anyway, the date is just another “let’s walk around the town” date. *Yawn.*

Josh humble brags that he was only a second round pick when it came to his baseball career. He says that the main reason he stopped playing baseball is because he wanted a family…so he went to play football instead. That doesn’t make any sense.

We see next to none of the date before we cut back to the hotel for the group date card. Andrew says that he doesn’t want to go on this one, so you know that means his name will be called last. The men going on the next day’s date are: Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and…

Called it.

The card just says “<3 Andi” and the men are more confused than usual. No surprises there.

Let’s go back to the super interesting (so much sarcasm) date, shall we? Andi and Josh are enjoying picnic over the ocean and just talking about traveling. My God, this is the most boring date in the history of this show…and we watched Juan Pablo go on dates all last season. It’s just a few minutes before we cut back to the hotel. They guys are just badmouthing Andrew. This is where we find out some drama that happened the first week. I guess he told JJ, “He gave roses to the two blackies.” I don’t deny that racism still exists, but why is this just coming up now – after several weeks? JJ isn’t even 100% if that’s what Andrew said.

After a quick commercial break, we come back to Marquel trying to decide whether or not he’ll confront Andrew. I understand that he’s hurt to hear something like that. However, this whole thing is about what some guy might have said several weeks ago. Even JJ, who related the story, isn’t completely sure that Andrew referred to Ron and Marquel and “blackies.” Does Andrew seem like a jerk? Yes. However, racism is a serious accusation to throw out there. You should probably be 100% positive before bring it up. If nothing else, there’s a chance that JJ could have unnecessarily brought a lot of stress and hurt to Marquel. On a happier note, the man can wear the hell out of a V-neck T-shirt.

I will comfort you, Marquel.

And back to the nighttime portion of Andi and Josh’s date. They’re at Palais Longchamp…because Josh wants Andi to see his long champ! (I’m sorry. I’ll see myself out.) Hopefully this only lasts a few minutes like the rest of the date did. Also, Andi is really committed to showing us her sternum all season.

Andi says you’re welcome, Itchy.

She really wants a “deep conversation” this evening. (Spoiler: It’s not going to happen.) Seriously, there is less substance here than with most conversations Andi had with JP. Did you guys know Josh is an athlete? I’d say let’s take a drink every time he mentions it, but I don’t want to be responsible for all of you dying of alcohol poisoning. We can drink because Josh brings up his past relationship. His one girlfriend was so insecure about him being an athlete (tiny drink). Because she thought he was already cheating on her, she went out and kissed some other guy. Then Andi and Josh kiss and she gives him a rose. *Yawn again.*

wake up
Psst. Josh. Wake up!

Oh, hey, there’s  private concert (DRINK!) with someone named Ben Fields. No, not Ben Folds. That would actually be kind of cool. Ben Fields. Yeah, I have no idea either.

After that, we jump right to the next day’s group date. Today, the men and Andi will be mimes. Yeah, because nothing says “romantic date” like miming. The next time I go on a date, I’ll be pissed off if mimes are involved. There isn’t much to say about it. The date is stupid and the guys are bad at this. That’s all.

It’s too stupid for even a witty caption. Anyone have anything?

After a quick lesson, everyone will be performing outside “for everyone in France” (Andi’s words). I didn’t realize that everyone in France signed a release to be on this show and showed up on one street in Marseille for one day. Before we get to that, we have to hear about Brian’s date set for the next day. The date card mentions “the recipe for love,” so it’s probably cooking.

Back to the mimes! It’s nice that no one is talking for a while. Cody ruins it by saying, “I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime.” Shut up, douchebag. For the most part, the guys are really bad but have a lot of fun with it. Unfortunately, the audience hates them. A baby even starts crying when Marquel performs. However, this raises a pretty important question:

Why is that baby’s parents nowhere nearby?!

Marquel is surprisingly good and gets some applause after he performs with a young boy (there’s no way to say that in a non-dirty way). JJ recreates his first date with Andi. Unfortunately, Nick is being a pissy pants about it. Andi calls him “salty,” and I didn’t realize that people still used that word. I love that Nick doesn’t want to be on this group date because “it’s not natural.” Seriously? He knows he’s on The Bachelorette, right? There is literally nothing natural about this show!

After the miming, we go to the later portion of the date. JJ steals Andi away from the other guys and they ride the ferris wheel. I wonder if JJ actually thought of this or if the producers set it up. I’m going with the second option. Meanwhile, Marcus is talking about the budding bromances an jealously in the house. All the guys think that Nick believes he’s a “frontrunner.” They all argue about semantics and how to be a gentleman and I’m just over it. They’re trying to end up with Andi. It’s OK to not always take the other men’s feelings into account with them. At the risk of being a reality show cliche, Nick isn’t there for the other guys.

Chris next goes off with Andi and decides to tattle on Nick. I’m not sure what he actually says. Honestly, I don’t think he actually says anything. Back with the rest of the guys, Cody is saying more than he’s said all season. However, most of it is bleeped out. When Nick tries to apologize for a perceived slight, Cody just talks over him. Ugh. We all know he’s cannon fodder. Can he just go home now? And wow. Andi coaxes the information out of Chris by saying, “my husband would tell me anything.” Also, I think she almost throws out a “bros before hoes.” Keep it classy, Andi. Oh, and Cody tattles on Nick too. So bored.

Since Andi is wearing a turtleneck, Cody will be filling tonight’s cleavage quota.

Andi wants to address everything going on with Nick, so she pulls him aside. For some reason, he says he had fun and Andi just calls him salty again…and again. I guess we’re drinking to that now too. She tells us that she has a mental and emotional connection with Nick, but is concerned that two of the nicest guys in the house (Chris and Cody…really? Cody?) are saying the same thing about Nick’s attitude. Andi pulls out the “if I were your wife, you’d tell me” card again. Seriously? Is she going to pull that emotional manipulation bullshit all season? I hope the guys are seeing all these red flags. I nearly choke on the irony of Andi calling Nick manipulative. Oh, then he reads her a poem he wrote (but he’s not the secret admirer that we’ve probably already forgotten about). It’s probably the worst poem I’ve ever heard. Of course, it leads to the two of them making out.

Because the timing couldn’t be more inconvenient, Marquel pulls Andrew aside to talk about the whole “blackie” situation. Now, I can understand why Marquel felt the need to bring this up. However, was it really the best idea to bring it up on the date? They’re going to be sitting around with nothing to do the next day while Brian is on his date with Andi! Anyway, it’s all handled with surprising maturity. Marquel brings it up and Andrew denies it. There’s no big argument. It’s just a simple discussion and they move on. It’s a shame that Marquel is likely cannon fodder. His attitude is really refreshing (and he’s pretty damn hot).

Whoa. After that, Andrew and Andi actually talk to one another. Has this happened since the limo introductions?

andrew and andi
The rarest photo I’ve ever seen.

Andi can feel all the tension going on tonight. Andrew says that he’s been attacked a few times. Then he makes the reality TV fatal error – he tells Andi that he isn’t sure if he should be here. See ya later, Andrew. Enjoy not getting a rose. Speaking of roses, the one tonight goes to…JJ! That makes sense. He’s pretty much the only guy tonight who didn’t whine about the others to Andi. I would have picked him too. Nick is, of course, all Pouty McPissyPants about this.

And now it’s time for the last date of the episode. Andi and Brian walk around town for a bit before…going to a movie? Seriously? What the fuck is the budget of this show? Oh, this is just an advertisement for The Hundred Foot Journey. It’s awesome that we get to see Helen Mirren for a little while.

Level three girl crush right here. The woman is fucking flawless.

After the movie, Andi and Brian go to the market to get the ingredients to make dinner. They eat sea urchin and nothing actually likes it. I guess this is the “eat something weird” date of the season. The actual cooking portion of the date does not go so well. Brian is timid and quiet and, once again, chickens out on kissing Andi. She is bummed because she thought cooking would be romantic like it was in the movie. Unfortunately, the food is just as flavorless as the date. Andi decides to demonstrate that by holding up a very limp pepper and telling us how little passion there is in the evening. Also, Brian isn’t “rising to the occasion.”

pepper dick

Andi and Brian decide to go out and get some food. Because he doesn’t have to do something he hates, Brian isn’t pouting anymore! Seriously, is this how he is every time he has to do something he doesn’t love? That would get old real fast. Anyway, the two end up making out and Brian gets the rose despite being a dick for most of the date. And Andi thought Nick was salty? Brian has been the Dead Sea for a lot of the evening.

So, before the rose ceremony, Andi and her helmet hair meet with Chris Harrison. She’s decided there will not be a cocktail party this evening because ABC wanted to make enough time to give previews for Rising Star and Bachelor in Paradise she already has her mind made up.

Seriously. She could play hockey with that thing on.

So, here we go. Josh, JJ, and Brian all have roses. The remaning guys staying are:

Dylan (I keep forgetting he’s on this show.)
Cody (God dammit.)

That means Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel are leaving. I couldn’t care less about the first two, but Marquel was really starting to grow on me. Then he loses points when he goes on one of thoe, “I just wanted to be loved!” crying rants. It practically screams, “PICK ME FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!” Hold your head up there, dude. I liked you a lot. Let’s keep it that way.

Patrick goes on one of those “I’m such a nice guy! Andi didn’t get to experience me! Her loss!” rants. No, it’s not her loss Patrick. She didn’t have feelings for you. It’s not her loss so much as it was exactly what she wanted to happen.

Andrew tries to say he was bullied. Eh. I just don’t care.

With that, Andi and the men are going to Venice. Great, another beautiful city to be tainted by this show.

So, that’s it Trashies. What are your thoughts? Do you think Andrew actually made the comment JJ said he did? Are you pissed off that Andi chose douchebag Cody over cutiepie cookie monster Marquel? Sound off in the comments. Forgive me if I don’t respond to many of the comments because I’m heading off on vacation to exotic…Ann Arbor, Michigan! I won’t be live tweeting next week’s episode (I’ll be flying at the time), so if any of you would like to take it over, that would be awesome!

See you next time, Trashies.

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