RHONY Recap: Montana’s out of Molehills

Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you! Well, week 15 brought some welcomed relief from the crazy-making, over produced, Aviva/George story-line. I was actually happy that this episode was a bit of a snorefest in comparison to the past couple of weeks. Anyone else feel this way? By the way, does anyone know if there’s any end in sight? There was some info on the RHONY finale on the Bravo website that mysteriously was taken down. Hmmm. I’m confident that one of you knows that backstory.

In other RHONY gossip:

1.Sonja Morgan’s St. Tropez house was sold by the bank at a reduced price because wild boars destroyed most of the landscaping.  Hahahhahah. What?!?

2. Apparently, the NY housewives are turning on one another because of this seasons abysmal ratings. The NY reunion was shot this week. According to one (probably VERY unreliable) web source, you can tell which housewife is going to get fired by their position next to Miss Andy at the reunion: “If you are sitting at the end of the sofas, you are dead,” the source explains.

I am giving you this gossip since so little happened this week on the show. You’ll see. Or not see, depending if you’re a wine glass half full or half empty type of alcoholic.

The episode opens with Kristen and Carole getting bikini waxes. I could do without any of the housewives getting spray tanned or waxed on camera again. I am not posting any pictures of Carole’s legs in the air while a Russian-looking woman manhandles her pussycat. You’re welcome.

Meanwhile across town, Ramona and Aviva (go away already!) are taking in a soak. “Ramoana,” “herself’s,” about how boring the Montana trip will be without the following: Ramona Pinot Grigiot, Turtle time and dancing. Aviva blathers on about suddenly having Asthma. We all know that Aviva is lying because her mouth is open and words are coming out. I fantasize about “Ghost Shark” suddenly materializing, because (as everyone knows!) Ghost Sharks can kill in any body of water.

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Ghost Shark. One of the best/worst guilty pleasure movies of all time. Go watch it.

FF. Sonja (ever the delusional optimist!) is picking out special underwear (with Pickles!) for her trip to Montana. I’m only mentioning this non-scene because I love pickles so.

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Does anyone know where Pickles is from? She reminds me of some of my beautiful & regal Ethiopian pals.

Next scene: Ramona and Kristen go boot shopping. I guess, in addition to getting waxed on film, a housewife MUST now go “Beetle-crushers” shopping as part of their wifely duties as well. Anyway, a creepy cowboy tries to sell the gals a special pair of chaps that are called “chinks, ’cause there short.”

Aviva shows up to the store shortly after this racist exchange because Miss Andy doesn’t want us to have too much of a break from awful people saying awful things.  Kristin asks Aviva “What’s going on?” and Aviva responds “So, I have this note..” That’s right. Aviva got a note from her “Doctor” saying she can’t go to Montana because of her severe bullshitter Asthma condition.


“So I have this note.” Even Ramona finds this laughable.

Kristen (understandably) questions Aviva on her very sudden case of Asthma. Aviva gets pissed off that Kristen doesn’t believe her, takes a giant ziplock bag out of her purse and flings her prescription bottles at Kristen to prove that she REALLY IS SICK. I throw filled garbage bags at my husband to prove to him that he needs to take out the trash, so I’m totally behind this method of getting your point across.

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“These must be made up prescriptions. Right?!” I swear on my good leg, children’s lives and dad’s penis that I’m telling the truth!!!

I am not a violent person (with the exception of throwing garbage bags)  but I wish Moonstruck Cher would magically appear and slap Aviva across her lying face.


Moonstruck. One of the best non-guilty pleasure movies of all time. Go watch it again, again.

Aviva verbally attacks Kristen calling her a bitch, rude etc. Does anyone else think that Aviva is pleading her Asthma case more for Miss Andy’s benefit than Kristen’s? I’m sure Aviva doesn’t want to get penalized for missing this trip like she was when she missed the Berkhires. It will be very interesting to see if she’s in the opening next week.

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“You’re crazy!” The dullest tool in the shed finally gets it.

Mercifully, the editors take us to Carole and Aviva. What’s going on ladies? Oh, you’re talking about the upcoming Montana trip. Cool! Oh, you start talking about Aviva not coming on the trip? NOT COOL! Apparently, Heather has been going to the Caroline Manzo School of Pop Psychology 101 since she starts spewing her Yummie Behavioral Insights™ in almost every interview.

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Insert Vicki’s ZZZZZZZ’s here.

FF. Next scene – Kristen is packing for Montana with her kid, Cash. Yay. A little relief from arseholes. Kristen packs a curling iron, regular curlers, hairspray and her kid’s toy guns. Models- they’re just like us! Oh noooooo. Her asshole husband is home. Whyyyyy? It’s sometime during a 24 hour time period! Shouldn’t you be saying you’re hard at work while making you’re family feel bad that they want to spend any time with you, Mr. VIP?

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I love this shirt color on him. It really brings out the douche in his personality.

This is a very heartwarming scene where Robocab tells Kristen he’ll be dropping off their kids with her mom so he can party in the Hamptons while she’s in Montana. Weeeee.

We cut back to Aviva. She’s making a big deal of hitting her inhaler every minute. Aviva tells Reeeed that she really wants to go on the trip but she has ASSsssthma. Reed tells her there’s no way she can go like the trained puppet  good husband he is.

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Hey Aviva- Suck this!

The gals FINALLY get their “we’re going to Montana” asses to Montana. There’s a wheel chair at the airport waiting for Aviva.

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Aviva has never looked so good.

The gals all laugh at Aviva for being cray. In Aviva’s Bravo blog, she writes:”You all know that I can laugh at myself and my physical challenge. For example, my book is called Leggy Blonde and my blurb at the top of the show is “When people tell me I’m fake, I know they’re just pulling my leg.” I’m even OK when friends joke about it. Usually. But whoever made that cruel practical joke of having a wheel chair with my name at the Missoula airport went too far. Cripple jokes? Really?”

I have a feeling that whoever did the seating chart for Countess Lu’s fundraiser was the same one responsible for ordering Aviva a wheelchair at the airport.

Other than the disgusting display of taxidermied (is that a word?) animals at the airport, Montana is GORGEOUS! I’d seriously give Aviva’s good leg or her children for the chance to go there NOW. The luxury dude ranch is stunning but Ramona and Sonja still find anything and everything to bitch about.

Ramona complains “How can you have fun here? It’s empty. It’s desolate.” I wonder how Ramona had such a “magical” time in the very empty/desolate continent of Africa? Hmmm.

The gals have two mansions to chose from and select bunk mates with the vigor of 5 year olds choosing dodge ball teams. I don’t want Countess Lu, she has cooties!

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Bravo editors doing what they do best.

The gals herd cows and ride cowboys during the day-or something like that. Sonja is nervous to ride (the horses, that is) because she got thrown from a horse. I totally forgot about that incident. Hahaha. Ramona gets back in the saddle and looks nearly as good as the chick from Ladies of London doing so. The cattle drive looks like a hoot and a half. Really.

Ramona gets a cowboy hat shop to make a delivery of hats to the house – just like she had the air conditioner guy drop off a unit in the Berkshires. At least she she’s spending her money well.

The gals go to this really cool restaurant, attached to a horse stable. Ramona keeps on bitching about the smell of horse manure- just like I’m complaining about Ramona complaining. The gals are served a cucumber drink that’s “organic and biodynamic.”

Since I currently live in LA, I’m surprised I don’t know what biodynamic cucumber water means. Sonja tells the waiter, “I like the biodynamic thing. Because I study astrology. And I go by the tides and the moon. Do you know why I gained 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks? Because we were going into a full moon. And now it’s waning so I’m going to lose weight.”

Why would the Moon do this to us!?!

Just as I’m totally losing all sense of reality, Countess Lu asked what happened with the “facialist from hell.”

Countess Lu chides Sonja for not telling off the gossipy fatalist for spreading lies about her friends. Over the next four minutes, the women talk over one another a great deal which makes it nearly as hard to recap as when Aviva is in fight mode. Countess Lu leaves the table to go to cheat with a short French man bed. The women think Lu is being overly sensitive. I think I’m siding with Countess Lu on this argument.

I then see this image:

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Is this a bearded woman or am I having some awful Aviva induced flashback/flashforward?

I dunno. Next week we have more Montana. Hopefully, we will all have a completely Aviva free week.

With some Philly Love,


PS. A hearty “Yeehaw” to all the new trash talkers that commented last week. Welcome to our dysfunctional dinner table! Now, please pass the potatoes. And wine.