I Wanna Marry “Harry” Recap: It’s over

body language

Ok, finale time.  Kids, we are rounding the final turn.  Hang in there with MisRed.

It’s down to Katrina the star-f*cker, Kelley the Glen Close Fatal Attraction Impersonator and Kimberley who, frankly, seems almost normal.

kelley i'll fix karina
Just two more girls to kill and eat and I WIN

Kelley tells us, or at this point she could be talking to herself, “Going home is not an option for me; I want to move to England tomorrow, these other girls don’t know what they are dealing with.”  I hope this chick is on MI5’s radar.  Both Kimberley and Karina think Kelley is nuts. And Karina thinks she could get VERY used to this lifestyle.

The show announcer lets us in on a secret, there is a twist, if Not Harry chooses a girl, tells her the truth and she stays with him for him, they get $250,000 to split.

Not Harry knows he will have to reveal his secret but he’s emotionally invested in this now.  This has been a big risk and he really hopes they like him for him.

The girls go down to the dining room for breakfast.  Kingsley comes in and says that this evening one of them will be leaving.  And to help Sir decide he has arranged dates for all of them in London. Wooo Hooo, they finally get out of this hell hole!

Kelley is jealous because the other girls have a physical connection with Not Harry and she doesn’t.  She’s going to do whatever it takes to get him.  Why do I feel someone is going to be skinned alive?

They all take off in a helicopter and land in London.  In the car Kelley wonders aloud “I wonder what Kate Middleton is doing today?”  

body language
Body language people!!

Kelley wants to tell Harry that these other girls are still hung up on their exes. Has Kimberley even mentioned an ex, other than there is one? Kelley won’t let these girls take him away from her.  Do I need to remind you that she is willing to do ANYTHING to land him?  The girls joke around that Prince Harry must have TONS of rich friends and that if things don’t work out with Harry, maybe he can introduce them to his friends.  Karina and Kimberley are TOTALLY kidding.  Well, at least Kimberley is. But Kelley has found the tiny little nugget she needs, or so she thinks.

kelley fireworks
Now I’ve got you!!!

Kelley is first up for her date.  She is going to have lunch with Not Harry at the Gherkin.  He kisses her hello, slightly less passionately than I kiss my father.  

kising kelly
Kissing Kelley vs Kissing Camilla.  Identical. 

They have wine.  He serves the wine properly, wrapping the bottle in a cloth and, you know, pouring it into a GLASS.  Kelley asks “Why do you always do everything so properly?”

He replies “Because I’ve been trained to.”
kelley cut the sexual tension with a chainsaw You could cut the tension with a chainsaw.  Followed by a blow-torch.  Then we’ll probably try a wrecking ball.

He feels that when he’s with her, he has to lie more and more to make her believe he’s really Harry.  What you are feeling, Matthew is the effects of psychological warfare.  He feels he has come to like her because she’s genuine. Again, I question if he knows the meaning. He thinks she’s amazing. #StockholmSyndrome

She says to Not Harry, “You know what the girls in the car were saying?”  She continues without allowing him to answer “Karina said ‘If I go home, I’ll just get with one of his best friends’ and Kimberley said the same.” And I wouldn’t do that.  Do you know what’s in Karina’s wallet?”  Not Harry says no and he doesn’t think she should be saying what is in Karina’s wallet.

Not Harry says “No need for you to tell me something that she wouldn’t want me to know.”  Good answer, kid.  Kelley is playing psycho dirty.

Karina is up next and she’s going to have a date with Not Harry on the London Eye.  She says she is ready to be his girlfriend.  In the back of his mind, he is concerned about whatever is in her wallet.  He asks her about her last relationship.  He asks if she is over him… she says, “I think so, but I was in denial.”  She says she now sees it would have never worked and she thinks she’s now completely over it.

karina date
We make out all the time because I have no personality

 She asks him if he’s ever been completely heartbroken?  He says yes, but it was for the best in the end.  She thinks it’s coming from Prince Harry, but he’s telling her the truth about Matthew Hicks and his personal history.  They kiss.  Karina says she is so attracted to him, and he is very attracted to her as well.  Neither wants to leave each other.  She interviews that her feelings for her ex were unsettled, but now she feels completely over him.

Kimberley’s date is last. She meets him at Tower Bridge, and she thinks it’s beautiful. They share some champagne.  She says not many guys take me on dates like this.  Not Harry asks if it matters where the dates are, and she says no, she just likes spending time with him.  He tells her that he has come to like her a lot more than she may think he does.
kim date
In an interview, Not Harry says “When Kim looks at me; it feels like she’s looking into my soul.”  She asks him if he thinks he’s at all unsure about her- he says a little.  She says she gets a good feeling whenever she’s around him.  He says compared to other girls he’s had to work hard to get to know her and he likes that it makes him like her even more. They kiss.  He says that when he’s kissing Kimberley, he feels it’s not something she gives out lightly.

Back at the manor, Not Harry meets with Kingsley.

How long before we can get the f*ck out of here, Sir
How long before we can get the f*ck out of here, Sir?

He has to send someone home and he has to go with his gut.

Kelley says she would do ANYTHING to be with him.  

fatal attraction knife
just sayin’

Karina has a it’s a terrifying feeling to think that Kelley is so crazy she might try to ruin her chances of “winning.”  Kingsley comes in and says Sir wants to speak with Kelley.

Kelley doesn’t think the other girls feel the same way about him as she does. You are right, the other girls just want to date him, they don’t want to taser him and put him in a latex suit with a ball gag in his mouth in the basement of Zed’s Pawn Shop.  Kelley asks Not Harry “Can I tell you something?  I think you are the ultimate man and I like everything about you.”  He says he wants her to like him for him.  He tells her that she is an inspiration and she says, no he’s an inspiration.  He tells her she has been super genuine but he needs to make a decision based on his gut instinct and he tells her that his gut instinct draws him to the other two girls instead of her.  She is upset, but there are no tears.  Kelley says she did not see that coming.  Um, she’s on a game show where girls get eliminated every week. She REALLY never considered she might go home?  But Kelley is almost too calm for my liking.

I Dont get mad i get even
I don’t get mad.  I get even.  Good luck.

Not Harry says didn’t like how she tried to sway his mind on the other girls. He calls it swaying, MisRed calls it LYING. Kelley leaves.  Seriously, Scotland Yard should have come I and handcuffed this looneytune.  Kelley never dreamed of being in this situation!  She thinks the other girls aren’t there for the right reasons (it’s almost like that’s her mantra or some type of activation code) and she doesn’t know what she could have done differently.  Um, everything?  Just a thought.

i must kill the queen
I must kill the Queen…

Not Harry comes in to see the other two girls. He says that he wanted to be the one to tell them, they would be the two ladies staying on the estate.
fancy a harry bap Now, anyone fancy making a Harry Panini?
He leaves them.  Kimberley says this is the first time she’s felt like she has had a chance to be the last girl standing.
in the windows Required Final Two Reality Show Shot
The next day, both girls look longingly out their windows and then shellac their faces and get dressed.  Kim is wearing a monkey fur bolero.
monkey fur bolero 7 Jersey Housewives were killed to make this bolero
They both come downstairs wearing the SAME DRESS, awkward.
exact same dress See?  Exactly the same!!!
Fox must have gotten a Loving Social Deal.  Sir is waiting for them in the main garden.  It’s snowing or fake snowing.  Oh, ok, fake snowing.
does kingsley ever get a day off Does Kingsley have to do EVERYTHING around here?
There are creepy dudes in masks.
They will spring for this guy but they can't get a perch for Takcy Jackie Fox will play for THIS, but they can’t give Jackie a stool?
Not Harry takes Kimberly aside and asks how she has enjoyed this process and she says he has had a lot of fun.  She has butterflies, she tells him he “has turned something on in me that I had forgotten about.”  She says she’s so glad she got to know him.  He feels a slow burning connection with her, but she’s been tough to read.  She wasn’t in his face; she was just being herself and having fun.  Matt thinks Kimberley is incredible.
<Nothing. What r u doing?>

Meanwhile, Karina is sitting at the table texting her ex.  Just kidding. Not Harry takes Karina aside to talk.  She asks how he’s doing and he says he’s nervous.  She tells him she has fallen for him and wants to be with him.  They kiss… again.  He interviews that his connection with Karina has been there since the beginning and everything about her is exciting to be around.  There is a mutual attraction and he feels a strong connection to her.  But she believes full on that he’s Prince Harry and all of the stuff that comes with his and obviously Matt can’t sustain that after this is over.

But Matt has not made up his mind yet.  Kingsley comes in and tells Not Harry it’s decision time and takes him away.  He doesn’t know what he will do.

Not Harry is in his room deliberating with his PartyLite candles.  He has made his decision, “it was virtually impossible but one of the girls is clearly who I want to be with.”  That statement makes no sense.  But who gives a shit at this point?

welcome to dumpsville, population you
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population YOU

Karina comes to see him and they sit together.  He tells her that she stood out from the start and he’s glad she stayed. Wait, was leaving an option?  There is a long pause.  He thinks she’s one in a million and he’s come to a decision. He asks her to leave.  She turns to freaking ice.  Seriously dagger stare.  

karina daggers
Did MisRed lie?  DAGGERS

He says she means a lot to him and he’s loved spending time with her.  She says… nothing.  She just gets up, grabs her pictures of her exes … but then turns and hugs him once he is like “Come here…”  I’m kind of waiting for her to knee him in the groin.  She doesn’t and she leaves.  MisRed never gets what she wants.

karina super hard to choose
How could Karina ever choose?

In the interview Karina doesn’t know what went wrong.  She doesn’t understand why he didn’t like her.  She believed in something that wasn’t really there.  Well yeah.  That’s the truth.

Oh! MisRed just read online that Meghan used to date Jake Pavelka.  I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Screen Shot 2014-06-17 at 10.18.30 PM
Ew.  I think they are eye-humping me

Kimberley doesn’t know that Karina has been asked to leave.  Not Harry finds Kimberley.  He has chosen her but he knows the stakes are so high. He has to tell her he’s been lying to her this entire time.  He tells her that she has stood out.  He said she was just her and he’s come to a decision… “You’re the girl I’ve chosen.”  

i choose you

She asks if he’s serious and kisses him.  

yeah i'm happy 1

She says she feels like she waited for so long to open up to someone and she hasn’t completely opened up to him yet, but now she feels like she can.  He says he doesn’t feel like he’s completely opened up to her yet and there’s one more thing…and she’s like “Oh no.”

i'm not harry
I’m not Harry.  Or Hairy.  You know, as long as we are telling the truth. 

 He says “I’m not Prince Harry.”  She says “Oh my god.”  He tells her that his name is Matthew and he’s not from any type of money or status.  Everything about him has been him but with a few small fabrications.  HE says “Does that change anything?”  And there’s a LONG pause and she says “Not at all, I still like you just the same.”

i love you anyway
“I still like you just the same”

 Fireworks go off and they kiss.  He says “I’m so glad you are the person I thought you were.”  He tells her there is so much he wants to tell her.  She asks if his accent is real?  Of all the lies… this is the first truth she requires.

neighbors be like STFU
Neighbors be like, STFU

Kingsley comes up and tells them that sadly the royal fantasy has ended but there is a surprise.  “I have a surprise for you; a quarter of a million dollars will be split between you as you embark on your life together.”  They are both like WHAT?!?!?!  

we won what
Wha, Wha, What?

Kingsley shakes both of their hands… and they are like “Was he serious?”  


She says she’s been given $125k dollars for not walking away when she learned the truth and it’s the ultimate fairy tale ending.  They ride off in a carriage.

kelley in disguise
Why do I feel like this is Kelley in disguise?


The next day, they leave the estate together, on a bicycle build for two… left over from Kelley’s date, which she has probably fitted with a tracking device.  

fox cheaping out at end
No Limo for you commoners!

Kimberly thinks it’s hard to find a real connection with someone and if she won anything, she’s won that. They ride away. 

locking gates
Mack!!! Call the Hookers!!!

Kingsley locks up the gates and calls immediately calls in a hooker, cuz this poor guy has been through the wringer too.

So there it is.  It’s over.  Sort of epically not dramatic in the end, huh?

Thanks for hanging in there guys.  Not sure where MisRed will land next, but I’m sure Flip will come up with something for me.  xoxoxox Thanks so much for reading.  Oh, and check under your bed tonite, you never know where Kelley might be lurking.

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