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Toddlers & Tiaras: Jesus and Asians Should Not Be Taking the Wheel! | TrashTalkTV - Part 5

Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Jesus and Asians Should Not Be Taking the Wheel!

She says the brothel full of pretty girls gives her the confidence to take the ultimate grand supreme.  Whores at a brothel, little girls dressed to look like whores…maybe there is a connection.

“Not prostitute spirit, okay?” she says, clarifying things, “But we’re talking about the energy.”  Of prostitutes, being channeled to help you win a kids’ pageant competition. So we’re back to prostitots.  Rage on, former Asian, rage on.

“People probably think I’m a crazy mom for doing this, but it’s gonna work,” she says.  Less crazy, more ignorant.  And if it does work…that just validates it.

Back with Iyslah, who is at the studio practicing with her coach.  Turns out she’s been practicing 2-3 hours a day for the last two weeks…which, that’s a lot for a little kid and for the pocketbook.  The coach seems normal and says she just wants them to be prepared.  Don’t worry – first glitz pageant?  They won’t be.

23-Do this routine right or you will grow antlers

Do this routine right or you will grow antlers. Coach Nellie rides Iyslah like a rented mule and mom Ruby keeps telling Iyslah to stand up straight, pushing in her belly (looks like she’s swaying out).  Between Ruby and Coach, Iyslah stresses bigtime, runs over to the chair and starts crying.  So the ulcer has fully taken ahold of her stomach lining and is beginning to rot away her young body.  All for a stupid crown, probably made by Ashley’s Asian relatives.  Former relatives.

 22-Scoliosis table for one...and stop judging little sis

Scoliosis, Table of one…and stop judging, little sis. “There’s a lot of people watching me and I have a lot of stress,” she interviews.  At seven, you shouldn’t even know what that word means.

Ruby interviews that Iyslah broke down because she’s a perfectionist and that’s what it takes to win.  No, she broke down because she’s being constantly criticized by you and her coach and she’s doing her best and YOU want her to be perfect for her SECOND pageant, FIRST glitz.  Talk about Jesus needing to take the wheel…over to the library where Iyslah can study for the next spelling bee.

 24-Fun times had by all except those participating

Fun times had by all except those participating. And speaking of Jesus, we’re back with Kymberli and NeNe who say this pageant is called, “Outta this World,” which is kind of close.  Then the two of them start naming planets, “Mars, Jupiter, Your Anus, Satur-in, Pluto [which in 2006 was no longer considered a planet], Mer-curry, Eardhh, uhm…uhm…,” and NeNe says, “Lord, give us the next one…” and Kymberli says, “He’s not going to send us a text message!”  Yeah, I’m pretty sure your Lord and Savior has not only unfriended you, but put you down as spam in his email and ignored any LinkedIn requests.  His tweets include #shutupkymberlienene.

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42 comments on “Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Jesus and Asians Should Not Be Taking the Wheel!

  1. TurtleGirl93 says:

    Am I first?
    My favorite moment was when the moms were interviewed. I usually hate that bit, but Kymberli’s “Y’all should’ve warned me before you throw that stuff on me.” made me choke on my Little Debbie & Mountain Dew.

  2. TurtleGirl93 says:

    Also, I have a serious question for PageantGrandma, or any pageant parent/family type…
    I’m assuming that you know in advance that TLC will be filming at XYZ Pageant. It would totally suck rocks to have driven 18hundred hours to a pageant only to have them spring it on you at the door, waiver in hand. Do you know in advance which families they are following? When Annette was talking about having to combine the age groups because so many dropped out of Ava’s group, I started wondering if it was actually because Ava was that big of a threat, or if it was more likely that the other parents didn’t want to take even the most teeny-tiny, miniscule part in T&T.

  3. PageantGrandma says:

    You definitely know the are filming. Any good director will not tell you who is competing, so if you find out, it’s from the moms. It does occasionally happen that people will drop out because a particular kid is competing, but its pretty rare. I will admit we have done this once– not because of a particular kid, but because it was a “leveled” pageant (you are only competing against kids who have won a similar amount of money as you), with a big supreme breakdown (0-5), and my not even 2 year old (at the time) level 4 (highest level) granddaughter would not have stood a chance against the other level 4′s who were all 5.

  4. PageantKidGrownUp says:

    I’m not sure on advance notice via TLC. More as they ask to follow us, so we know early via the contact from that. For some reason, I was thinking they pick one or two to follow, then find the rest after. Mostly as they’ve started with a family who doesn’t clear a background check, and I figure they’d clear before starting if all three applied. Plus, doing smaller systems, most probably don’t mind the publicity. I didn’t know of Bailey Pageants until the show as I typically avoid pageant forums.

    As for dropping out – our usual systems don’t share names officially. But people do discuss entries on forums, so you can find the info. UR isn’t a system we’ve done, the cost is way too high and there are aspects that bug me. So I don’t know enough on how they run.

    I wouldn’t pull based on who is there. My daughter learns from watching better girls, so the better the girls, the more we like it.

  5. vish says:

    “One of the awards for the ultimate grand supreme with extra cheese is a trip to space camp, which would be AWESOME if any of these girls were actually encouraged to study science or math instead of pole dancing and celebutardism.”—Goddamn right, DearCrabby.

  6. Nancy says:

    What is a 4 year old going to do at space camp? Isn’t that for older kids due to the activities they have there?

    • Catty Noir says:

      As far as I know, they don’t accept children under the age of 7. Even for the family program. Maybe they’ll just award the winner the cost of two weeks at the camp since she’s underage?

  7. vish says:

    Her skirt was too–”fluffy”? THAT is a criterion? I truly detest these people. This entire show is a fine study of the pervasive idiocy that infects humanity. I am stunned.

  8. beebs says:

    Did nobody else notice that Katlyn’s family got into the smallest car ever, but pulled up to the hotel in a MINIVAN? I rewound twice to make sure.

  9. ellemenop says:

    brilliant recap, as always, especially as you managed to make the snoozefest-in-comparison-to-hood-ratz-debacle entertaining, but this was my favorite: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure your Lord and Savior has not only unfriended you, but put you down as spam in his email and ignored any LinkedIn requests. His tweets include #shutupkymberlienene.” AMEN, sistah.

    also? after all this shit with little girls’ crazy-ass moms, i am glad i am having a son, and i hope he’s gay (but doesn’t wear those tweedle dee-and-dum outfits) so i never have to deal with mothers of girls.

  10. TurtleGirl93 says:

    Thanks, @PageantGrandma and @PageantKidGrownUp!
    @Vish, I know. The “too fluffy” comment was mind boggling. This is a glitz pageant, for crying out loud. I didn’t think there was such a thing as too fluffy.
    So says the adult woman who is making tutus for her Color Me Rad 5K team. Sparklebaby!

  11. PageantKidGrownUp says:

    Too fluffy was valid. The only thing right was the color. Heck, that skirt looked too fluffy for a baby who tend to look like a head on a pile of fluff.

    The idea with something being too much – if you see a pile of whatever, not a kid, it’s too much. Here you see this pile of yellow, huh, there IS a
    kid in that. Too much fluff.

  12. BedHeadJen says:

    Lord Jesus and Lloyd Christmas, did those judges win an online auction for Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels costumes from Dumb and Dumber?

    Awesome as always DC, and a special thank you for this…And once again someone says, “Jesus take the wheel.” And do a Thelma & Louise. PLEASE. Seriously, this is a really disrespectful way to treat your religion and God…I mean, using for your own gain…You make Christ wish he stayed dead. ;)

  13. Chicken Lips says:

    Hey – let’s go easy on Denham when we should really feel sorry for her brother Pollikotinblennd.

  14. Smarlo says:

    I wish the page number I was on would be bold or highlighted and that there was an arrow for the next page. This blonde keeps losing her place!

  15. Schadenfreude Schadenfreude says:

    @flipit: I’ve surfed the new site in two different browsers (Firefox and IE) and cannot figure out how to upload my avatar. Under “Edit My Profile” seems like where it should be, but I don’t see a place to upload in there. Thanks for all the hard work, my good man!

    P.S. I also looked for a place other than the T&T comments section to ask this, but didn’t stumble across that either.

  16. WerkItSmoochy says:

    I still consider Pluto a planet, people have tried to correct me, but no. Loved their pronunciations of the planets.

    Those judges were fancy, especially the pink! Almost as good as when they had the drag queens as judges.

    There is just no way that dress cost $3,000-$4,000! I could have made that! It was nowhere near the quality of Ava’s, at least as far as I could tell. Like others, I also thought it was weird that Annette said that people dropped out because she was going and wondered if that was normal. Glad to hear it’s not generally normal, that is absolutely ridiculous. So, to those involved, are there many more pageants that they don’t show on T&T? I’m assuming it’s like Dance Moms, where there are quite a few competitions where they are not allowed to film, but I could be wrong.

  17. sagittariuskim sagittariuskim says:

    I still think of Pluto as a planet too. It kind of hard to unlearn what’s been drilled into you for several years.

    I like when they interview the moms at the end of the episode. I wish they made it a regular thing.

    I liked Ava’s dress. And I find it fascinating that dresses can be too fluffy but not too sparkly. I feel like a regular critique on this show is “not enough sparkles.”

    • dubblebubble says:

      I felt her skirt was too fluffy, too. The size of it made it distracting, also it looked somewhat sloppy. Most of the skirts I see on the show have skirts that have some order to them, like the hems follow a predictable ripple pattern, but not that one. It was just too much random poof.

  18. merry says:

    Wait…does Ava’s win over Katlyn mean that zombies beat God? Because I’m not sure how I feel about that!

    (Super glad to see our dear DearCrabby at the new site!)

  19. PushyStageMother says:

    Hello from Australia. Sadly we don’t have this series of T&T yet we are a couple of seasons behind I think, we’ve just seen the episode featuring the weird toothy pageant dad. However, I digress. Great recap! I look forward to the season.

  20. labowner says:

    I have to admit I loved the ghost part. I am addicted to that silly show A Haunted and love all stuff like that. The whole we are divorced, yet still live together makes no sense. They sleep in the same bed? Who wants to date either of them if they can’t let go?

    Merry, god upgraded them to a mini-van, saw the ghosts and the zombies and he Seacrested out of there.

  21. Joye says:

    “Is it any wonder there are no men to be found in this family? Oh wait…there is one on the sofa, in braids or dreads or something. But no balls, of that I’m sure.” Crabby, do you stop to think of this stuff or are you so in tune with reality that it just rolls off your fingertips?

  22. PageantKidGrownUp says:

    Most of the dads featured are weird :)

    Can I get those top hats? Please? I seriously love them – for ME!

    So both girls are up next weekend. I’m letting Helen do the fall back as it is her first pageant and she’s only six weeks into the new age. Caroline is in 9-10, so they aren’t going neck and neck. Pray for MY sanity! Helen’s wearing Line’s old favorite pink and charcoal dress, so I’m betting her attire scores will be lower, but meh, it fits perfectly and she likes it. I am not investing in a new dress when I suspect she’s going to hate this. Line did fine in it but she’s always done far better in darker colors. She took perfect attire scores in a black dress more than once, so she’s a bit different in what she can pull off.

  23. Hatched One says:

    You know what this pageant needs? — MORE COWBELL!!!!!

  24. Hatched One says:

    DC – I adore you! And mostly because of comments like this: “Ghosts and zombies do not fix in my pageant box,” Miss Cambrie says. Bet daddy Mark does!” Unfortunately, I read this at work and had to hide under my desk to suppress the snorting, choking and giggling sounds.

  25. Hatched One says:

    Maybe it got wet and expanded!

  26. Hatched One says:

    I goofed that up. Sorry, it was supposed to be a reply to the small car/minivan post.

  27. BigMomma says:

    I loved that they were supposed to be in texas but “jags” where they were the somersault was filmed at is in Florida!!!! Wtf????

  28. Belle says:

    Hi all! Long time Gasmi reader, first time poster. Figured that, since the forum moved over here, this would be a good time to start posting. Wanted to tell all of you that you’ve made me laugh until I cry many, many times over the years! Thanks!

    Great recap, as always. Ava’s mom is bat-shit crazy, both Willy Wonka Wanna-Be judges are bat-shit crazy, Katlyn’s entire bible thumping family are bat-shit crazy and, finally, if Islah’s family actually paid $3-$4000 for her super fluffy beauty dress, then they are infreakingsane!!

    The pic of NeNe’s huge, falling over ass is absolutely hysterical!!! Hahahaha!!

  29. Belle says:

    Any way of having the comments numbered?
    Just a suggestion.
    : )

  30. Had enough says:

    I could have sworn that when Die-rector Annette was listing the space-themed things that they would see at the pageant, she said “Nassau” when she meant NASA. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

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