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Dear Crabby is a TVGasm alum with her main credits being Toddlers & Tiaras, Ugly Betty and Celebrity Apprentice. Likes include black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and dark chocolate, and the treadmill that allows for those meals. Dislikes include children of any kind and stupid people who don't get her jokes. Hobbies include her dogs, chickens, gardening, harshly judging others and binge-watching shows on Hulu and Netflix now that the cord to the evil cable company has been cut.
  • Had enough

    I could have sworn that when Die-rector Annette was listing the space-themed things that they would see at the pageant, she said “Nassau” when she meant NASA. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

  • Belle

    Any way of having the comments numbered?
    Just a suggestion.
    : )

  • Belle

    Hi all! Long time Gasmi reader, first time poster. Figured that, since the forum moved over here, this would be a good time to start posting. Wanted to tell all of you that you’ve made me laugh until I cry many, many times over the years! Thanks!

    Great recap, as always. Ava’s mom is bat-shit crazy, both Willy Wonka Wanna-Be judges are bat-shit crazy, Katlyn’s entire bible thumping family are bat-shit crazy and, finally, if Islah’s family actually paid $3-$4000 for her super fluffy beauty dress, then they are infreakingsane!!

    The pic of NeNe’s huge, falling over ass is absolutely hysterical!!! Hahahaha!!

  • BigMomma

    I loved that they were supposed to be in texas but “jags” where they were the somersault was filmed at is in Florida!!!! Wtf????

  • Hatched One

    I goofed that up. Sorry, it was supposed to be a reply to the small car/minivan post.

  • Hatched One

    Maybe it got wet and expanded!

  • Hatched One

    DC – I adore you! And mostly because of comments like this: “Ghosts and zombies do not fix in my pageant box,” Miss Cambrie says. Bet daddy Mark does!” Unfortunately, I read this at work and had to hide under my desk to suppress the snorting, choking and giggling sounds.

  • Hatched One

    You know what this pageant needs? — MORE COWBELL!!!!!

  • BedHeadJen

    They are beautiful family names that stem from great granny PollyEsther. I think she was a seamstress. :)

  • PageantKidGrownUp

    Most of the dads featured are weird :)

    Can I get those top hats? Please? I seriously love them – for ME!

    So both girls are up next weekend. I’m letting Helen do the fall back as it is her first pageant and she’s only six weeks into the new age. Caroline is in 9-10, so they aren’t going neck and neck. Pray for MY sanity! Helen’s wearing Line’s old favorite pink and charcoal dress, so I’m betting her attire scores will be lower, but meh, it fits perfectly and she likes it. I am not investing in a new dress when I suspect she’s going to hate this. Line did fine in it but she’s always done far better in darker colors. She took perfect attire scores in a black dress more than once, so she’s a bit different in what she can pull off.

  • Joye

    “Is it any wonder there are no men to be found in this family? Oh wait…there is one on the sofa, in braids or dreads or something. But no balls, of that I’m sure.” Crabby, do you stop to think of this stuff or are you so in tune with reality that it just rolls off your fingertips?

  • CDR Janny


  • Chicken Lips

    Thanks from me, too!

  • http://na labowner

    I have to admit I loved the ghost part. I am addicted to that silly show A Haunted and love all stuff like that. The whole we are divorced, yet still live together makes no sense. They sleep in the same bed? Who wants to date either of them if they can’t let go?

    Merry, god upgraded them to a mini-van, saw the ghosts and the zombies and he Seacrested out of there.

  • PushyStageMother

    Hello from Australia. Sadly we don’t have this series of T&T yet we are a couple of seasons behind I think, we’ve just seen the episode featuring the weird toothy pageant dad. However, I digress. Great recap! I look forward to the season.

  • merry

    Wait…does Ava’s win over Katlyn mean that zombies beat God? Because I’m not sure how I feel about that!

    (Super glad to see our dear DearCrabby at the new site!)

  • dubblebubble

    I felt her skirt was too fluffy, too. The size of it made it distracting, also it looked somewhat sloppy. Most of the skirts I see on the show have skirts that have some order to them, like the hems follow a predictable ripple pattern, but not that one. It was just too much random poof.

  • sagittariuskim

    I still think of Pluto as a planet too. It kind of hard to unlearn what’s been drilled into you for several years.

    I like when they interview the moms at the end of the episode. I wish they made it a regular thing.

    I liked Ava’s dress. And I find it fascinating that dresses can be too fluffy but not too sparkly. I feel like a regular critique on this show is “not enough sparkles.”

  • dubblebubble


  • RonnieK

    It will take a few days to get the kinks ironed out but I’m working on it!! 😉

  • dubblebubble

    I’m not liking the new format yet. I hope they do a little more to clean it up. I’m glad that the beat goes on, though.

  • Catty Noir

    As far as I know, they don’t accept children under the age of 7. Even for the family program. Maybe they’ll just award the winner the cost of two weeks at the camp since she’s underage?

  • http://na labowner

    The page number is in the address bar. Have the same problem.

  • http://na labowner

    Come Beebs obviously they prayed on it and God listened hoping they would shut the fuck up. :)

  • WerkItSmoochy

    I still consider Pluto a planet, people have tried to correct me, but no. Loved their pronunciations of the planets.

    Those judges were fancy, especially the pink! Almost as good as when they had the drag queens as judges.

    There is just no way that dress cost $3,000-$4,000! I could have made that! It was nowhere near the quality of Ava’s, at least as far as I could tell. Like others, I also thought it was weird that Annette said that people dropped out because she was going and wondered if that was normal. Glad to hear it’s not generally normal, that is absolutely ridiculous. So, to those involved, are there many more pageants that they don’t show on T&T? I’m assuming it’s like Dance Moms, where there are quite a few competitions where they are not allowed to film, but I could be wrong.

  • Schadenfreude

    @flipit: I’ve surfed the new site in two different browsers (Firefox and IE) and cannot figure out how to upload my avatar. Under “Edit My Profile” seems like where it should be, but I don’t see a place to upload in there. Thanks for all the hard work, my good man!

    P.S. I also looked for a place other than the T&T comments section to ask this, but didn’t stumble across that either.

  • Smarlo

    I wish the page number I was on would be bold or highlighted and that there was an arrow for the next page. This blonde keeps losing her place!

  • ellemenop

    seriously, where’s the “like” button?!

  • Chicken Lips

    Hey – let’s go easy on Denham when we should really feel sorry for her brother Pollikotinblennd.

  • Schadenfreude

    Great catch, beebs! I totally missed this continuity goof. Still had the episode on the DVR and love the way the silver compact sedan morphs into a white minivan!

  • BedHeadJen

    Lord Jesus and Lloyd Christmas, did those judges win an online auction for Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels costumes from Dumb and Dumber?

    Awesome as always DC, and a special thank you for this…And once again someone says, “Jesus take the wheel.” And do a Thelma & Louise. PLEASE. Seriously, this is a really disrespectful way to treat your religion and God…I mean, using for your own gain…You make Christ wish he stayed dead. 😉

  • PageantKidGrownUp

    Too fluffy was valid. The only thing right was the color. Heck, that skirt looked too fluffy for a baby who tend to look like a head on a pile of fluff.

    The idea with something being too much – if you see a pile of whatever, not a kid, it’s too much. Here you see this pile of yellow, huh, there IS a
    kid in that. Too much fluff.

  • TurtleGirl93

    Thanks, @PageantGrandma and @PageantKidGrownUp!
    @Vish, I know. The “too fluffy” comment was mind boggling. This is a glitz pageant, for crying out loud. I didn’t think there was such a thing as too fluffy.
    So says the adult woman who is making tutus for her Color Me Rad 5K team. Sparklebaby!

  • ellemenop

    brilliant recap, as always, especially as you managed to make the snoozefest-in-comparison-to-hood-ratz-debacle entertaining, but this was my favorite: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure your Lord and Savior has not only unfriended you, but put you down as spam in his email and ignored any LinkedIn requests. His tweets include #shutupkymberlienene.” AMEN, sistah.

    also? after all this shit with little girls’ crazy-ass moms, i am glad i am having a son, and i hope he’s gay (but doesn’t wear those tweedle dee-and-dum outfits) so i never have to deal with mothers of girls.

  • beebs

    Did nobody else notice that Katlyn’s family got into the smallest car ever, but pulled up to the hotel in a MINIVAN? I rewound twice to make sure.

  • vish

    Her skirt was too–“fluffy”? THAT is a criterion? I truly detest these people. This entire show is a fine study of the pervasive idiocy that infects humanity. I am stunned.

  • Nancy

    What is a 4 year old going to do at space camp? Isn’t that for older kids due to the activities they have there?

  • vish

    “One of the awards for the ultimate grand supreme with extra cheese is a trip to space camp, which would be AWESOME if any of these girls were actually encouraged to study science or math instead of pole dancing and celebutardism.”—Goddamn right, DearCrabby.

  • PageantKidGrownUp

    I’m not sure on advance notice via TLC. More as they ask to follow us, so we know early via the contact from that. For some reason, I was thinking they pick one or two to follow, then find the rest after. Mostly as they’ve started with a family who doesn’t clear a background check, and I figure they’d clear before starting if all three applied. Plus, doing smaller systems, most probably don’t mind the publicity. I didn’t know of Bailey Pageants until the show as I typically avoid pageant forums.

    As for dropping out – our usual systems don’t share names officially. But people do discuss entries on forums, so you can find the info. UR isn’t a system we’ve done, the cost is way too high and there are aspects that bug me. So I don’t know enough on how they run.

    I wouldn’t pull based on who is there. My daughter learns from watching better girls, so the better the girls, the more we like it.

  • PageantGrandma

    You definitely know the are filming. Any good director will not tell you who is competing, so if you find out, it’s from the moms. It does occasionally happen that people will drop out because a particular kid is competing, but its pretty rare. I will admit we have done this once– not because of a particular kid, but because it was a “leveled” pageant (you are only competing against kids who have won a similar amount of money as you), with a big supreme breakdown (0-5), and my not even 2 year old (at the time) level 4 (highest level) granddaughter would not have stood a chance against the other level 4’s who were all 5.

  • TurtleGirl93

    Also, I have a serious question for PageantGrandma, or any pageant parent/family type…
    I’m assuming that you know in advance that TLC will be filming at XYZ Pageant. It would totally suck rocks to have driven 18hundred hours to a pageant only to have them spring it on you at the door, waiver in hand. Do you know in advance which families they are following? When Annette was talking about having to combine the age groups because so many dropped out of Ava’s group, I started wondering if it was actually because Ava was that big of a threat, or if it was more likely that the other parents didn’t want to take even the most teeny-tiny, miniscule part in T&T.

  • TurtleGirl93

    Am I first?
    My favorite moment was when the moms were interviewed. I usually hate that bit, but Kymberli’s “Y’all should’ve warned me before you throw that stuff on me.” made me choke on my Little Debbie & Mountain Dew.