Ladies of London Recap: Knickergate

Cheers (my British stepfather’s father actually did say “cheerio” for a greeting, but that was in the mid 70s, so probably things have changed) fans of Ladies of London! I apologize in advance if this isn’t up to my usual snark; DaddyKitty (my father) passed away, and I’m trying to get this up before the memorial this weekend. MissKitty is sad, but much of her humor and sense of fun came from her Dad, so hopefully it’ll show!

How awesom-ible was this episode? Talk about silly, silly, silliness.

First, I have to throw some sunlight onto my favorite commenter, who almost made me inhale my coffee and death-gurgle like the Elephant Man when he lay flat: holyterror44, your comment that Scottt’s whole head looks like a spanked ass will live down in infamy as far as MissKitty is concerned. The thing is, his head DOES look like that. It really, really does. Also, holyterror44 is well-versed in my endless aversion to graphic baby-having maladies (MissKitty points at own eyes with forefinger and middle finger then at holyterror44’s eyes). Quite honestly, I enjoy all your comments almost as much as I enjoy these moronic birds. Let’s, shall we?

We open at the Fox Pub, where Marissa is scintillatingly talking to Juliet about co-hosting a July 4th party.

 

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Marissa even puts herself to sleep. Nite Nite!

Aside–I didn’t know people still drank white wine spritzers. Confession: those give me a headache. Just like Juliet does. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpaOy8b8X6A

 Juliet is very proud of herself that HER white wine spritzer has–are you ready for this CRAZINESS–?? White wine. Soda. AND A SPLASH OF LEMON. Wah wah wee wah! As Borat would say. That is some CREATIVE SHIT. Marissa is impressed. Marissa is going for her British citizenship, as we’ll hear about 981,677 times this episode. She talks about the British test of common knowledge, aaaaand she makes the inevitable “Spotted Dick” joke, which is impressive, considering I thought for sure one of these American numbskulls would have already made that lame hackneyed joke in the first 25 seconds of Episode One.

For those who find the name absolutely side-splitting, it’s actually a dish made of mutton or suet fat spotted with raisins or currants. If you’re thinking “wow, that sounds absolutely revolting!” You’d be right! Except not as revolting as this Spotted Dick. Hardy HAR HAR HO.

 

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ALMOST as unappetizing as suet and raisins. Almost.

 

Marissa drones on, and I entertain myself by noticing that her mouth moves very oddly when she’s being interviewed. Also, she has a borderline intense Single White Female -Aviva Drescher stare, does she not? Anyone? Anyone? Okay, anyone see this resemblance in her talking heads??

 

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“And schpotted dick for desschert”

 Juliet and Marissa immediately get into a slightly tense argument about party ideas for the Fourth, which I could have told them: it’s never good to have two spoiled smug bitches trying to plan anything together. Juliet wants figures standing at the party of Obama and Uncle Sam, which, I’m not sure if she means impersonators or those cardboard cut outs. Either way, for someone who is a bigwig in “style” and “PR” it seems like a really strange idea. What’s next, a photo booth? Marissa wants to have drinks in jam jars, because it’s so Americana. Juliet doesn’t like it. Actually, I get Marissa’s flavor here. It IS very Americana, but probably not the right effect. They call Caroline on speaker to invite her to the party, and Caroline does point out the obvious, after accepting, that it IS kind of like inviting Southern members of a Civil War social club to a Northern event celebrating the Gettysburg Address.

 

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Yay! Come to our party!

We then go to Caprice’s to find out what viscerally engaging thing about her baby we can learn. PHEW! She’s not hooked up to any monitors with her baby growth protruding covered in shiny jelly, nor do we see any modern art/chewed-up gum “sonograms”, so MissKitty can relax. She’s just cutting up some fruit… Oh FOR JESUS’ SAKE. We learn she’s cutting up pineapple for her fucking dog Rolsy who likes to eat her own shit. Disgusting. I wonder how many times that little shit-mouth has given darting, hyper little shit-kisses to someone?

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“Rolsy! Rolsy! Over here! Here’s some of your poo! If it tastes funny, it’s because I added some delicious chocolate!”*

*JUST KIDDING! I would never hurt an animal. Rolsy may be a walking germ-factory, but she’s adorable. Adorable or not though, no way would I let that little feces-snoot get NEAR me. Hopefully the pineapple works. I’ve heard of that remedy before actually, with some success.

From eating shit to spoon feeding it, we next hear from Caprice’s “publicist” Becks, who wants her to check her email. Caprice does, and discovers that all the pictures she stood and posed for at the Serpentine event last episode miraculously ended up in the press. Hahaha. What did she think would happen?? Caprice is overjoyed that online she “beat” out all the other celebrities and is the lead story. She notices and remarks that “Oh, Caroline is on the bottom” I love how the Bravo editors are foreshadowing the rift that is developing between Caprice and Caroline. It’s so… expected, actually. The press was a lot kinder than I thought they’d be about the strange orange dress she wore covered in bugs, but maybe they’re too distracted still writing about Michael Jackson’s hyperbolic chamber to really try that hard.

We get to an early scene with Annabelle at a tea shop, waiting for her sister and her Granny, Marguerite. I LOVE Granny! American grandmothers, take notice. You can be older and still dress smartly and elegantly. You don’t have to give up and wear sweat suits.

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I want that suit!

Annabelle is genuinely adorable with her Granny, who looks like she’d be a really fun, interesting lady to talk to over a bit of sherry. Annabelle tells us that her granny says that she feels like she’s 18 when she wakes up, and it’s only when she looks in the mirror that she realizes how old she is. I think I like Granny so much, because she reminds me of my grandmother. My grandmother said almost the exact same thing to me once. She never let herself get “old”. She was a regal, put-together woman who wore designer clothes, loads of bangles and always, a scarf tied artfully around her neck. On the day of my grandfather’s funeral (he was also a stylish, classy gem), she said as long as she had eyeliner and lipstick, and the ability to put them on herself, she’d be able to muddle through anything.

We learn some of Annabelle’s aristocratic background, which essentially boils down to the fact that an ancestor had a liaison with the Queen, murdered an Italian count/rival, and was awarded a title. Wow! Annabelle laughs heartily at this. I can see a little of that in her, actually. haha. Don’t. Cross. Annabelle. She interviews that she straddles both sides (posh and rock ‘n roll), and is likely to go shooting in the country, but she’ll show up in leather trousers rather than tweeds. She next asks Granny who it was in the family who rode so well, and she tells Granny and her sister about the charity ride. “That’s wonderful!” Granny chirps. LOVE! They talk about Alexander (McQueen) a bit. Granny makes an excellent point: at least he left behind wonderful clothes people continue to enjoy and talk about.

Next we go to Caroline’s office, which I should just go ahead and put quotes around at every opportunity. Funny–we see a picture someone defaced of her. Hahaha!!! I wonder if the editors actually found that, or if she is well-aware that the picture was done. I’m REALLY hoping the former. I’m betting that skitty-skatty Ophelia was the culprit…

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Who drew this?! Answer: THE WORLD

Caroline stages a “social media” picture to show how accessible and happy all her staff are, while several employees in the background mug it up. Caroline yells that everyone (except herself) looks like wankers and no one is as thin as she is. She brags that her office is her playpen (see?) and that her sweeties are all arranged in colors (EYE::ROLL) and her coffee is made for her, pedicures come to her, in short, she LOVES her work. What cracks me up is that she I think honestly views herself as this:

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But she’s really this:

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“I have to have all my pen colors set up the same, because I’m four, and having an OCD meltdown is normal at my age.”

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…As opposed to doing it at your age. Then you’re just a twatwaffle

Caroline goes into a bit more detail about what her service actually does. Basically, it’s like an online concierge for spoiled babies. She can find anything “exceptional” gift-wise for her clients although probably nothing illegal, not that she hasn’t tried. Ho ho ho. You know what would be exceptional for these rich fucks? A website that you opened that said “No. You can’t.” I think I’ll start that myself and then buy Caprice’s house. Caroline oos and ahhhs over a “vintage” bracelet Kate Winslet wore to the premier of the Titanic worth $80 grand. “Who wouldn’t want [that]?” Caroline muses, like it’s some kind of rarefied artifact. SO funny. Caroline tries on several pieces like they’re her own private Jelly Tots, complaining that the British are very subdued about their wealth and no matter how much they might have, they don’t flaunt it. Um. Yeah… it’s called BREEDING and CLASS. I guess some people just don’t have it. Caroline claims she works hard for her money (yeah, we can really tell what hard work it is pretending to order people around and being like fucking Rainman over your candy) and hasn’t taken a penny since she was seventeen from her parents. Probably because the trust matured, and she has been living on it ever since. She says she wants to wear her money and advertise it, for “all her hard work”. Riiiiight… it doesn’t have anything to do with wanting to rub her privilege in other people’s faces. Nope nope nope. I really cannot tolerate this slag most of the time.

Our next scene is another Annabelle scene! YES! She is down in London’s garment district, visiting an up-and-coming designer named Conchita Perez, whose work she admires. I know later on, Annabelle is going to be a bit stupid, but I much more admire someone who is using this whole publicity gig to help someone else rather than showing everyone how lucky she is every five seconds. I think it’s really cool.

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Mentor. It’s a good look! Hypocrite… not so much

Conchita’s clothes remind Annabelle of early McQueen, and she recognizes how hard young designers have it, without a lot of money. So Annabelle is using her influence and her contacts to assist Conchita. Love her or hate her, that is a gangsta move. MissKitty will always give props to a powerful woman helping another woman succeed!

Matt and Marissa are next, going to Bumpkin to try out different foods for the Fourth of July party. Marissa’s voice is balanced out by Matt’s voice, as well as different food being presented. It’s hard to be a recapper sometimes. You have to take what you can. We do learn the juicy fact that Scottttt and Noelle met at Marissa and Matt’s Fourth of July party four years ago. Which isn’t actually all that juicy, honestly. What is juicy? THE FOOD… First up–ribs. Although they are delicious, they are very messy, and only good if you don’t have to wear anything fancier than overalls or be naked. Mmmm ribs… Anyway, the next are burgers–Marissa wisely suggests sliders. Finally, they try a lobster roll. Matt is protesting that it’s not very British, but Marissa convinces him to try it, and he agrees they’re delicious. Marissa says that they are a great team, which, if the ability to pick out food for a party that someone else is cooking for you is that difficult to mesh well over, I’d say the bar is set pretty low. Then I think of Shannon on the RHOC, and how she and her husband David would have already been bickering over the best way to pour the water used to chase each course, so okay.

Finally it’s the day of the party! Marissa goes to the restaurant to oversee the decorating, and I’ll say it again. I love her style. She’s wearing a very cute patterned dress with a little ruffle in the middle and simple hair. She watches and directs her staff. She  informs us that if you plan a party with Juliet, you will do all the planning, all the set up, and Juliet MAY show up on time but at least “she’ll bring the entertainment with her.” Well not that I’m a big Juliet defender, but if it’s in your restaurant with all the food YOU picked out, what exactly is Juliet supposed to do? Marissa is kind of giving me the vibe that she’s a passive aggressive bitch, ready to ditch a friend if the friend becomes uncool with the “popular girls”. She has shown some iffy behavior already–sucking Caroline’s entire rectum and digestive tract into her worshipful jaws, “innocently” complimenting Noelle’s gaudy (wrong) hat at Polo… Hm… I think this one deserves watching.

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Yeah, when we all wake up, we’ll be watching you

Juliet arrives, and she is wearing a very strange outfit. It’s like a chef coat mixed with Daisy Dukes circa 1998.

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Her daughter is hiding in the “flag witness protection program” of embarrassment

Okay. I’ll admit it. I’m actually not totally hating Juliet this episode. Is she a loudmouthed, annoying attention whore who has a malfunctioning filter? Yes.  But I also think that beyond that, she’s an okay egg. I know, I know. Maybe I’m just a sap this week, but I felt a little sorry for her this episode. For one thing, everyone seems to like to take the piss out of her but act as if they’re slyly winking at one another, like she’s too stupid to notice. Which is a classic mean girl tactic. Make fun all you want, but if you start acting like it’s some kind of inside joke when the person is sitting right there and notices, then it gets kind of close to cuntville station.

Caroline insists on having another scene which revolves around an assistant kissing her ass, while she and the assistant try to puzzle out exactly what Independence Day actually signifies in America. It’s a stupid scene, and says more about the deplorable education either of them got than it does about American history. Independence Day celebrates when America locked governments with England forever and had Thanksgiving with the Indians from India. The tradition is to give any American you come across 100 pounds on that day. You’re welcome.

The guests start to arrive, including Scotttt and Noelle. I guess wearing a sweater tied like a douchebag is sort of Scotttttt’s “thing”.

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Scott is mooning the party! Oh– hold on a moment; no that’s just him peeking out of his tied-up jumper

Next Caroline arrives–I like her outfit.

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I want to re-direct that bus to hit her so I can steal that bag

Caroline asks Juliet if she has forgotten her trousers or had a fight with garden shears. Juliet just giggles. Scotttt is watching Caroline’s every exchange. I think he’s like the new Simon (of RHONY) van Kempen-desperate for fame.

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“I’m real..

 simon2

Oh ho ho… If I had to have this hideous image, YOU did too, Trashtalkers!

Annabelle shows up, dressed all in black, because for the British, it’s like their “second civil war.” Um. Okay. HUGE fan, but lighten up. It’s a party with free hamburgers, unlimited drinks, and cupcakes. It’s not fucking the anniversary of the civil war in Darfur. Finally Caprice arrives (her dress is GORG!) with I *think* a cast mate who is joining later, who looks like Rebecca Romijn-ex Stamos if she swallowed Peter Dinklage. Her name is Julie, and I think she’s the one who may be married to the next Earl of Sandwich. Anyway, Annabelle adores her. They talk about Annabelle’s horse training and Annabelle’s various work out regimen to get ready. Juliet stomples over the conversation to talk about various exercise methods, and Annabelle gets the look on her face that one gets when someone at a table is beginning to annoy you:

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“Please make it stop”

I think it’s more of a drunk versus sober thing, personally. Juliet has had a head start on the spritzers, and you have to be careful when you’re “in your cups” around sober people. The only people who LOVE loud drunk people are usually other drunk people. Sober people most often want to gnaw off their own limbs to get away from you. Annabelle also has the look of a more shy, reserved person when a chatterbox takes over. I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum truthfully, and I know that when a person next to you starts dominating the conversation, you end up feeling compressed to the ground in a small heap. I’ve also been the Chatty Cathy myself, and I’m sorry to all I’ve babbled over (as more than one commenter has told me, I do it here too). OOPS. Anyway, Juliet is oblivious that she has an aristocrat next to her, seething, with an assassin in her bloodline.

Juliet goes out to see Caroline and Noelle, who are smoking and chatting. Caroline says that she is quite enjoying Juliet, and that she likes that Juliet gets her sense of humor. I bet with a buzz on, both would actually be rather fun to be around. Marissa next gives a toast thanking everyone for coming and announcing her British citizenship. Everyone is warm and happy for her. It’s a nice little scene. Marissa ramps up her secret bitch when she announces that Juliet will sing the National Anthem. Juliet tries to get out of it, but because she has kind of a transparent need to be liked, she agrees. It is predictably, horrible, because no one except a professional singer can sing that song. Juliet is a good sport about it. Caroline and Annabelle have a look of frozen horror, and Annabelle says it was “more like the Star Strangled Banner” (haha). They’re entitled to act that way. But it’s annoying that Caprice and Noelle are acting like Juliet is loudly singing off-key about throwing children down the stairs. Last I checked, you’re American, as much as you two want to be all pretentious about it.

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STELLAAAAAaaaAAA!

Marissa’s friend Bo arrives, and the knickers are about to hit the fan… She has a passel of underpants to give away (? I’m still a little lost about this part) and it’s like Juliet has pulled out a bunch of dildos being used by gnomes. It’s underwear, people. It looks like Victoria’s Secret crap too–not even G-strings. Annabelle is squirming and hiding her face, but I *think* she needs to take it down a notch there:

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That WAS you, right? Let’s give the outrage a little rester, there, shall we?

Juliet slurs “who has the big ass here?” which no one, so again, everyone calm the fuck down. Annabelle complains it’s too in her face, and gets up to leave. That’s funny; you know what was too ‘in my face’? Seeing your nipples on Google. Caprice acts like this is the break down of a peace talk between two world leaders and looks around frantically. Juliet has that overly dramatic hurt feelings look drunk people get, where they’re two seconds away from bursting into tears. Caroline makes light of Annabelle’s melt down, asking to clarify if Juliet waved around new underwear, or took hers off at the table. Hahaha! I told you she and Juliet would be fun to hang out with, drunk. I kind of am liking her in this scene, not feeding into the drama. I think it’s just that Annabelle doesn’t like Juliet, and anything Juliet does irks her. Juliet comes out to confront her (bad move), in a drunken scene. It’s NEVER good when you’re drunk and offended arguing with someone who is not drunk and doesn’t like you very much. You just end up looking like a buffoon. Annabelle calls Juliet “Special Needs” which is rude, but it’s like calling someone “retarded”. Yes, yes, I know it’s bad to say that, but I admit (raises hand), I have said “you’re being retarded!” mid-fight if someone is being an irrational puddle and yelling like a crazy person. I must say, their tense, caved in body language during Juliet’s rant is cracking me up:

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“We are quite comfortable with conflict and loud scenes”

Juliet goes back in complaining. Caprice defends Annabelle, while the rest of the table looks uncomfortable. Caprice chases Annabelle, all concerned, hugging her and ensuring that she answers her phone later. Really? This is I guess why Bravo stays in business. A lot of drama over essentially nothing. If Bravo were a channel featuring heterosexual males, the fight would last 15 seconds, MAYBE someone would get punched, but within 20 seconds, there would just be a lot of drinking and talking about fantasy football.

Caroline comes back into the party, mystified as to why Caprice is getting involved, and then she goes to pick out a pair of underwear. Hahahaha! Good move. Caprice explains to Juliet that Annabelle is one of the most private people she’s ever met.

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SCREAMS private

Caprice lectures Juliet that she is a very dominant personality and some people don’t warm up to that right away (true). Juliet looks like she’s tearing up a little, and I do feel a smidge bad for her. I think she means well. I have a feeling that Annabelle and she would get along if she just dialed back her personality a tick. Caprice questions Caroline’s loyalty to Annabelle for not sticking up for her. Which… what?! Caroline was definitely just amused by the whole thing and got a free pair of underwear; why get involved? Caroline knows this was all drunken nonsense. Next week we see more of “Knickergate”, cracks developing in the Caroline-Caprice friendship (Ohhhh YEAH!), and REAL cracks in a tunnel ceiling right before Annabelle’s fashion show. Can’t wait!

So what did you think? Were you exasperated too with Annabelle’s too cool for school attitude this week? Amused by Caroline? Irritated by Caprice (that’s me every week)? Let me know!

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