I Wanna Marry “Harry” Recap: The Pantiless Detective

toga Harry

Ok, all of these episodes are running together. Kind of like when I binged watched “Breaking Bad” except that show was good, and it taught me how to make Meth. This show just makes me want to TAKE Meth. Last time, Jackie and Meghan were both asked to leave and Kimberley was asked to the Crown Suite. Rose, Kimberley, Krazy Kelley and Karina remain. So far they all believe that Not Harry  is Prince Harry.

It’s raining in England. Hmmm, that’s weird, that almost never happens every other day. Not Harry awakens in his suite and the girls wake up and start getting their faces on. Not Harry has invited the ladies to a Country Spa and each of them will have some private time with him throughout the day.

spa girls

Kimberley will have a private dinner with Sir in his luxury tree house. The girls go to their own luxury tree house (that they appear to be sharing) and it’s lovely and MisRed is jealous.

tree house
if only that glass could give way…

Karina is first up for private time with Not Harry. She says she is completely falling in love with him. They meet up in a pool and kiss, like full on make out.

That's what he said
That’s what he said

He is very attracted to her, but he worries that she might not like him for him. She thinks she would do anything for him- and she’s happy she feels that. He is starting to feel the pressure because clearly he’s not a Prince in real life and he can’t sustain the lifestyle she would like. Plus there’s that pesky bit about how she’s still in love with her ex, but MisRed digresses.

Kelley joins Not Harry in his tree house for a talk. She really wants to kiss him and it would be the final signoff as to whether or not they could be together. ???? Has this girl every HAD a relationship? Honey, check out his bathroom… if you can stomach the swampery, THAT’S the final signoff of whether or not you could be together. Jesus, why is MisRed the brains behind this operation? Not Harry asks if she could ask him any question, what would it be? She says she want to know if she can keep his blood in a vial around her neck. I joke, I kid. She says she wants to know if he’s “good at kissing?” Ok, that’s something a fifth grader would say.

kelley good at kissing
It’s official, MisRed’s CreepiMeter needle is pinned

Not Harry says, on paper, Kelley is everything she wants, but he’s not sure is there is a romantic connection.

Kelleys papers
These are Kelley’s papers

Plus on those papers it probably says she is an escaped mental patient and there is an APB out for her… They hug.

kelley platonic hug
MisRed just lost her boner

It’s the least romantic hug I’ve ever seen.

awkward hug
This hug is less awkward

Rose meets up with Not Harry next, she thinks it might be her last opportunity to show her feelings for him.

rose talk
So, my first longterm relationship ended when I was 8

Harry says, since their first date she has faded into the background a little. Not Harry says he feels like he should have paid more attention to her after their date, and she wants to get back in his good graces. He thinks maybe he overlooked her, he asks if she thinks she could handle the pressures that come with his lifestyle. She has felt lost in her past -7 year-relationship, like no one ever knew the real her and she doesn’t want to feel that way again. Not Harry worries that she might be pissed if he finds out the truth. Right because we all know Kate Middleton personally, her personal diaries are published in the Sunday Sport every week, along with topless photos of the Queen.

Screen Shot 2014-06-17 at 8.44.20 PM

Kimberley is the last to spend time with Not Harry and she joins him for dinner. Not Harry thinks Kimberly might not have completely let herself go with him yet. He wants her to open up. He asks if she’s ever had a bad breakup- she has. She was closed off and it takes her awhile to open up. She has hoped she would find someone to treat her the ways she should be treated. They retreat to the hot tub. Hot Tubs gross MisRed out.

kim in hot tub

Not Harry feels so badly that he’s lying to her. They make out in the hot tub. Harry was very surprised by his date with Kimberley and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

toga announcement

Back at the Manor, Kingsley tells them that in honor of Sir’s birthday they are going to have a Toga Party. Oh good. Nothing cliché about a Toga Party.

toga party
This is the ONLY Toga Party MisRed is remotely interested in seeing

Sir comes out in his bright red toga.

toga Harry

Karina is excited to party the way Prince Harry parties. Rose says “This is a classy toga party and I love classy.”

toga someone visited Party City
Looks like someone visited the “College Party” section at Party City

They are going to play “toga twister.” It’s creepy. Kelley is determined to show him her sexy side and she, basically, finds a way to shove her beaver in his face.

toga twister
Look up “Sexy” in this dictionary…this picture is not there

They play suck and blow like any typical 13 year olds at a Bar Mitzvah in rural New Jersey.

toga suck and blow
They got the sucking part right

Next they will play a kissing game. And then they will play “I Never” and “Spin the Bottle.” Not Harry is blind folded and he has to kiss each girl. Karina is first.

karina kissing

They make out. Kelley is second and jams her tongue in her mouth… ew.

kelley kissing

This, I may remind you is, their FIRST KISS. The girls think it was a very aggressive first kiss. Kimberley is up next… Kelley thinks Kimberley’s kiss is boring.

kim kissing

Rose is last … Kelley thinks that she sucks at kissing.

MMmmm, sloppy fourths

Kingsley asks his opinion as to who was the best kisser. A B C or D? He chooses A. Karina.

She is thrilled. Kelley is like “what just happened?”

The girls ask some boring questions of Not Harry- Karina asks how old William is? Not Harry responds “He is 30.” But William is, in fact, 31. Rose, apparently, the Stephen Hawking of the group, catches the mistake.

The Pantiless Detective Cracks the Case

The girls go back to their rooms. Rose, The Pantiless Detective, begins to think.

thinking smoke

Anyone else smell smoke? As she’s reviewing the situation, she thinks about it and everything seems so staged. She thinks the security guys are a little fake.

harrys security
What gave it away?

She thinks they are being lied to about who he is. Everyone else thinks he is Prince Harry and she is not going to tell them her suspicions, she doesn’t want to hurt the other girls.

karina ex
Kelley inspecting a paper doll or Karina’s ex-boyfriend

Karina shows the other girls a picture of her ex boyfriend, that she happens to keep in her panties, I mean, wallet. She says he is still the man of her dreams. Prince Harry is the second man of her dreams.

kelley leave it to me
Just leave everything to me

Kelley’s psycho sonar goes off and she does not like that… and is going to do something about it.

The next morning they meet in the dining room and Not Harry joins them. Rose feels like she has a great connection with whoever he is and she’s not ready to walk away from that. Each girl has planned their own date with Prince Harry.

Kelley’s date is a bicycle built for two. It’s not exciting, but it’s something she likes to do.

kelley date
I’ve never hoped harder for a pothole

She also likes chloroforming a cop, filleting him and keeping him under the floorboards of her bedroom. They bike in the rain, she has brought him flowers ??? (Has she ever MET a dude?), and they picnic in the rain under a tree. Kelley full-on believes he is Prince Harry. He thanks her for the date and the flowers with a handshake. Not really, but he might as well have. She thinks that she is very comfortable with him and she hopes she is the last girls standing.

Kimberley’s date is next. They are going to go bungee jumping. From a crane. Not Harry says he’s never done this before and he’s nervous. He gets ratcheted up the crane and he’s terrified. He’s not even looking at Kimberley as he steps to the edge because he’s so nervous. She feels as if she may have just eliminated herself. He jumps… and doesn’t scream or anything. She jumps too. Not too gracefully and she shrieks.

bungee jumping

Not Harry thinks Kimberley is a ray of sunshine. The only drawback is she hasn’t completely let herself go because she has trust issues. Well, this whole premise should get her a lifelong pass to therapy.

karina final date
I’ve chosen wines from the “Boone’s Farm Region.”

Karina has picked a wine-tasting date because she’s classy. Pssst, if you say you are classy, you aren’t. The conversation is a little forced. She worries she may not get what she wants in the end.

rose final date

Not Harry’s date with Rose is in the library. She no longer believes he is Prince Harry. They begin to talk, but he thinks something is off with her but he can’t put his finger on it. (Hint Hint, she knows you are full of crap) He thinks the fire she had is gone. It’s kind of awkward and he thinks she is distant. But they kiss anyway. Rose says in an interview, she likes him for him; she doesn’t care what his name is.

It’s decision time… none of them have any indication of what his feelings are. Kelley asks to hear about Karina’s date. Karina says they just drank wine which is what she does with her boyfriends. Kelley thinks she is still in love with her ex boyfriend and she asks her if she is still in touch with her ex. She is. Kelley doesn’t thinks Karina is there for the right reasons and she plans to fix Karina’s wagon.

kelley i'll fix karina
I’ll straighten out Karina

Kingsley comes in and says that Sir would like to speak to Kelley. Kelley asks if he is going to call another name… and Kingsley says nothing. Kelley KNOWS she is going home. She is worried that he might not know how much she likes him. Maybe try sending him your head in a card board box.

head in a box
It worked for Kathy Bates

Kelley meets Not Harry in the library. Sheesh, between the woods and the library, this guy is a little predictable. Not Harry tells Kelley that she is the most genuine girl and it’s hard for him to know what to do in this situation. I wonder if this guy is confused as to the definition of the word “genuine.” He says that it’s the hardest decision he has had to make so far but he asks her to stay. She almost has a stroke.

kelley relieved
Pass out.  Pass out.  PLEASE PASS OUT.

She confesses that she feels things for him. They hug and he tells her that she’s great. She says “When I’m around you I get a little crazy.” Truer words were never spoken.

fatal attraction sitting
a little crazy.  just a smidge

Kingsley tells the girls that Sir would like to speak to Karina. She leaves the dining room. Kimberly KNOWS there’s no way Harry would send Karina home.

Kingsley comes back in and says “Sir is not finished for the evening… he would like to speak with Kimberley.” Rose is like WTF.

Karina and Kimberly meet with Not Harry in separate rooms both look like libraries. He tells Karina she thinks she’s quite special and he would like for her to stay. She accepts.

Not Harry asks Kimberley if she would like to stay as well. She, obviously, accepts.

In the dining room, Rose is boozing alone and then Not Harry comes in. He asks how she is. She says “terrified.” In her interview, she says feels strongly about him whether he is Prince Harry or not.

rose the jig is up
The jig is up

He feels they connected immediately, but he doesn’t feel like they have stayed connected. But someone has to leave and it’s her. He says he finds it harder to talk to her than the other girls and he feels a weird vibe from her.

Rose says she feels she is realistic, and she feels they have a connection but they both know the truth. He says “What’s the truth?”

rose you can't handle the truth
You can’t handle the truth

She says “I know you are not Prince Harry.”

He says “I’m not.” He asks if her feelings changed, and she said no, but she questioned everything after she figured it out. He tells her that his name is Matt Hicks. And she’s like “Ok. Bye.”

rose ok bye

Not Harry feels like he just sent home a girl that really liked him for him. Rose leaves in peace, she laid everything out for him and she feels ok about everything, but knows the other girls are going to be crushed.

Kimberly and Karina are both talking and they surmise that Kelley went home. They both comment, separately, that Kelley seems a little “off.” Read: Bat Shit Cray. Then Kelley comes in and they are wondering where the heck Rose is.

kelley back
Oh shit.  It’s back. 

Karina thinks that Kimberly is her biggest competition. Kimberly thinks something is off about Kelley. Kelley thinks that Karina is hung up on her ex and when it comes down to it… she will do ANYTHING to be with Prince Harry.

sleep with one eye open
Sleep with one eye open, bitches

Let’s hope nobody owns a rabbit.

One more.  Just one more.  Does MisRed have one more episode in her???? YES SHE DOES!!!!

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