Sister Wives Recap: Shark Tank

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Whiteboards and flip charts!  Welcome to the 1970s!

Howdy, Trashmii!  Welcome to an extremely educational episode of Sister Wives.  We learned so much in this ep:

1.  The Browns cemented their reputation as Most Delusional Family in America, with their pitch for millions in VC for the little side business Robyn’s got going;

2.  Apart from Janelle, not one Brown adult knows anything about business;

3.  Speaking of Janelle, she’s chopped liver to the rest of them;

4.  The Queen Mother is a class A bitch.  That’s not news, but it bears repeating.

We open with Kody recapping the disastrous visit to Stan and Amy’s venture capital company a few weeks earlier.  Christine tells us they now have 20 days to get a business plan together and make a pitch.  That would, of course, be enough time for anyone else to come up with a polished, professional presentation.  The Browns?  Well, if flip charts and binders are your idea of a slick, high-tech presentation, prepare to be delighted!

In a meeting, Kody tells the adults they have to decide what their goal is.  I thought it was to make money while working as little as possible, and milk the TLC gravy train for all it’s worth, right?  Janelle stresses they have to make a coherent presentation.  HAHAHAHAH  There’s some talk about it being important that they still like each other once they’ve “agreed on a direction” for the company, given their divergent views.  QM interjects “Why do we have to like each other?”  Cause you’re supposed to be some kind of freaking quasi-Christian?  Cause they’re your sister wives?  Cause they manage not to throttle you on a daily basis?

On the couch, Robyn talks about how living and working together means they sometimes bring their personal lives into the business (pointing at QM).  QM protests, “Why are you pointing at me?”  Robyn “innocently” says it’s because she’s sitting next to QM.  Sure. . .

They end the meeting with Kody telling them to take 24-48 hours and think about a “grand vision”.  Why didn’t they do this before they launched their website, not 2 years later?

Next, QM tells us she’s taking Robyn to lunch to “have a chat”.  At lunch, where QM has a salad that literally is as big as her head ego(I know! huge!), she says she felt Robyn was angry at her the day QM announced her plans for school escape.  Robyn says she’s worried QM will move further away from MSWC and the family.

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This?  it’s just a little salad topped with all the souls I’ve crushed.

In interview, Robyn compares the talk to guys she used to date.  Ah yes, “it’s not you, it’s me”.   Classic.  Back at the table, Robyn tries to get QM to make a commitment to stay with MSWC, while QM fake-cries.  In interview, Robyn says QM’s going to college may make her “disengage from us”, since non-polygamous relationships are much easier (but “not as rewarding”, she hastens to add).  Ya know, if polygamy were the wonderland these gals always tell us it is, why are they so afraid when anyone has contact with the non-plyg world?  Hmmm?

For her part, QM makes a vague statement about not going anywhere.  Oh right, just like all those guys I used to date in my 20s.  Sidenote:  at one time, I simultaneously dated 3 guys named Steve.  2 of them knew each other.  None knew I was dating the others.  It all went well — until one day I slipped up and talked to one Steve about something another Steve was doing, and he realized something was up.  Shortly after that, my whole house of Steves came crumbling down.  Sad Steve horns.

Commercial.

The adults traipse over to Nancy Hunterton, their therapist, to talk about the presentation.  I know, that makes no sense to me, either.  Kody tells us that none of the wives want to be subordinate to each other, so he has to be the boss (CEO).  QM shares with us that in polygamy, wives should not be “ruling over” any other wives.  Of course, what she really means is that no one except the QM should be ruling over any other wives.  Let’s face it, it’s been a reign of terror on her part since the day Kody married Janelle.

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I am the all-powerful First Wife!  Bow before me!

Nancy asks who the CFO is, and Kody says Robyn.  Robyn?  Robyn?  Janelle is visibly upset, and asks why she’s been up till midnight running financials.  She asks is she just a floater who bails out others?  Idiot Kody says the CFO makes financial decisions (god forbid the only sensible wife would do that!), and Janelle has to tell him no, they just work with numbers.  After that, he deigns to make Janelle CFO.  D-ckwad.

Nancy then asks Kody would he be comfortable being the point person, meeting with wives individually regarding their aspect of the business, and then reporting back.  This “business” only grossed $180K last year.  Do they really need to divvy up the minor responsibilities of this little side business among 4 people – oh, sorry – 3?

Kody seizes the opportunity to bitch at length about not having a pair.  “There are very few decisions i am allowed to make in this family.  I’ve never been allowed to be in charge of this family.  We’re going to get me in charge of this business, really?  When have I been in charge of this family, when?  When have we ever made decisions not by committee?”  He goes on to say he’s never been “empowered” as head of the family.  GROW. A. PAIR.

In interview, Kody calls his remarks “emotional vomit” and says he’s going to “puke on everybody”.

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Funny, that’s the exact look on my face every time I watch this show.

We’re mercifully spared more spewing and never see any of this fully discussed or resolved, though, since we go to

Commercial.

Time for another meeting.  Kody talked to Stan and Amy the night before.  The Browns will be pitching to 5 or 6 people.  They need to think of how much money they want, their “dreams and goals”, how will they make a profit.  They’re just now thinking about this?

In the meeting, Kody talks about each adult making part of the presentation.  The wives outline what their presentations will be.  Janelle and Christine talk about their parts.  Christine has decided she loves marketing.  How’s she doing, with no marketing background?  She’s convinced women 18-50 don’t go to stores anymore.  Then who am I seeing when I go to the mall?

Then QM says she hasn’t prepared anything.  She tells us she doesn’t do well with public speaking.  Um, she does know she’s on a national show every week?  In the room, Kody informs QM that all the adults have to present.  QM wails, “how did this get missed?”  It didn’t.  You chose to ignore it.  Fake-crying again, QM tells Robyn she should have warned her.  Robyn shoots back that they have a week to prepare.  She goes on to say that QM has a “pulse on the business” that no one else has, and I realize that QM is in charge of customer service.  Do you wonder why they only sold 500 items last year?

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I only want to sell enough product to get a second wet bar.

Robyn says if QM absolutely can’t present, they’ll figure something out.  QM says “I thought this was all business stuff, not shipping” and Kody – of all people! – says “shipping is business”.  (“Bitch” strongly implied).

Commercial.

It’s the day before the pitch, and the adults are rehearsing in front of “Scott”, a “business consultant”.  I think he’s just a hapless delivery guy or something who got roped into this.

Kody starts by making the incredible statement that product is “flying off the shelves” at MSWC.  Only if someone knocked them over.  Janelle says sales quadrupled over the last year.  (Which doesn’t mean much, really).  Robyn blathers on about their jewelry giving women strength and courage.  The QM, as you’d expect, is completely unprepared.  Christine talks about their target demo, women 18-50, and makes some confusing statements about women buying jewelry no matter what the economy.

Scott critiques them, then recommends they each practice 50 times in the next day.  We find out each adult has to speak for 2 minutes.  That’s a lot of time when you’re not prepared.

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Leave it to the producers to throw in a bit of foreshadowing . . . 

Kody tells us that “everything we have touched in the past 4 years has turned to gold.  We have the Midas touch”.  Pal, everything you’ve touched has been paid for by TLC and by going into massive debt.  That’s not the Midas touch.  That’s incompetence, laziness and lunacy.

After some blathering about the adults being tired and Robyn having writer’s block (the night before the pitch!), we’re off to

Commercial.

Oddly, 3 of the wives are in red, Janelle is in blue, as is Kody.  Could they not have coordinated colors?

Everyone goes to Ecasi Consulting (Stan and Amy’s VC business).  Kody talks about MSWC having “fashion-forward” accessories and jewelry, and they added 60+ products in 2013, when they pulled in a whopping $180K.  Tom Ford is fashion-forward.  You?  Not so much.  Your little trinkets are derivative at best.  And $180K? Sounds like they spent way more on inventory than they recouped in sales, with 60 new products plus the existing stock.  But what do I know?  I just know business.

Christine says 70% of sales are to women.  I’m not sure if she means in the country, or for jewelry.  What the Browns don’t mention is that a lot of their pieces are really expensive, and women aren’t looking to shell out hundreds on poorly-designed pieces.  We want pretty items and don’t want to skip a rent payment to afford them.  But again, I just know business.

Christine tells us they had (not specified when) 15 million hits on the site.  From looky-loos like your recapper, I expect.  And they sold 500 units.  Again, it’s not clear is that a per-month sale?  Was that just one month and other months have been less (as I suspect)?

Tip to the Browns:  Vagueness doesn’t get you VC.  These people aren’t idiots.

Robyn starts to tear up immediately as she talks about the meaning of the business or something like that.

The QM says her department is the most important (of course), and she makes sure quality is good.  Quality of what?  The pieces?  The shipping boxes?

These people are amazingly clueless!  They think since they’re “personalities”, on the strength of their “fame” alone, they’ll get money for this rinky-dink endeavor.

Janelle talks about the financials.  They conservatively expect to sell $3.3 million in 2 years.  If they can get 1% of the 15 million looky-loos to buy, that’s $10 million in sales.  Yes, in theory.  In practice?

Kody finishes by saying they want $2.5 million in capital, and are offering 20% of MSWC – said in a tone like he’s Jimmy Iovine offering Beats to Apple.

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Look!  We’ve got rotating displays!

Commercial.

Stan asks when Ecasi can expect to be repaid, and Janelle says 2017.  (Or 2027.  Or never).  One of the VC folks, Stephanie, asks if they sold only 500 units, what about their marketing, and Janelle says something about not having enough money for marketing.  YOUR ENTIRE SHOW IS MARKETING FOR THIS SITE! Also, Facebook.  Twitter.  Plenty of free marketing out there nowadays, kids.  Jerrod, another partner, asks if $2.5 million is enough.  Oh honey, no amount of money is ever enough for the Browns!  Christine says they could use more but decided not to ask for it because it would make them complacent.  WTF?

Jacob, another VC guy, asks how they can compete.  Robyn says people know them.  Yes, and that’s why no one buys from you!  Robyn also says they support their family on MSWC so they’re “hungry to succeed”.  Really?  $180K pays 4 mortgages, plus food, education, and all the rest?  I sure hope the IRS is reading these recaps.

Afterwards, Stan tells us that usually when his partners get a pitch that’s so poorly put together, they just walk out.  They did the Browns the courtesy of staying only because of Stan.  Also, looks like they’re not approving the funds.  Quelle freaking surprise.

Want to see the partners’ reactions?  Here you go!

Screen Shot 2014-06-16 at 18.03.10Hey . . . am I being punked?

 

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I went to grad school for this?

 

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Why would ANY woman, much less 4 of them, want to sleep with this guy?

After saying he also doubts they’ll get the cash, Kody goes on to tell us that the Browns are a “dark horse”, who were driven out of Utah, moved to Vegas and had “nothing” (well, expect a fat TLC paycheck), and built a business (that’s failing).  They’re a dark horse, he says again, and they’ll win.

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Not a dark horse, Kody.  A horse’s ass.

On that incredibly self-promoting note, our ep ends.  Join me back here next week for more in the fairytale life of the Browns, won’t you?  See you then!

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