RHOC Recap: Poor little Beador…

Jeez, you guys, I think I got vicarious therapy this week just from watching.  So much with the talking and the resolving and the not resolving and the blah, blah, blah.  Thank goodness it looks like things are getting good next week, because this week was a bit of a snoozefest.  Let’s get started, now that you’re all excited.

First to the couch – Vicki and Heather.  I think it’s really telling that Vicki is so rational when she’s not sitting next to Tamra.  Think about it, in this fifteen minutes, she didn’t scream, she didn’t snore, and she didn’t pee herself.  She was almost likable.  I feel a little sick saying it, but I think it’s worth mentioning.  Anywho, Heather mentions that her holidays were great aside from the terrible start they got at Shannon’s party when Tamra ambushed Heather AFTER being offered a spot on Good Day LA.  Vicki points out that Tamra has a nasty habit of throwing away good relationships through the time-honored tradition of being a bitch at the worst possible times.  Vicki doesn’t really understand why, but I think it’s because Tamra is incredibly self-centered, and when she’s bored, she likes to invent reasons to hate people.

Heather’s a total sad monkey about this whole thing, because she’d been excited to offer the “Good Day LA” segment to Tamra and Eddie, but now she’s not even excited to go.  Vicki points out that it’s hard for Tamra to get really close to people, and reveals that Tamra often feels as though Heather makes her feel “less than,” sometimes.  Then Vicki does something that totally shocks me and apologizes for joining in when Tamra’s been shit-talking Heather this season.  WUT?  Since when does Vicki admit she’s wrong?  Since when does Vicki act SANE?  This is so weird.  Vicki admits that Heather’s high-falutin’ lifestyle intimidates her sometimes, but Heather doesn’t really understand why since she claims she’s not materialistic when it comes to friends.  Rly?  Heather, it’s all well and good to think you’re not materilistic because you have friends from different income groups, but when you spend all your time breaking ground on your new palace and talking about how your rental manse is a five bedroom shack, it can be off-putting to others.

HEATHER VICKI Something to think about.

In any case, Heather thinks Vicki’s insecurities are really her own and not something Heather can or will control, but they manage to achieve some sort of resolution all the same.  Vicki decides to stop snoring in Heather’s presence and Heather decides to maybe make the effort to shut the fuck up every once in awhile.  Good luck with that.

Elsewhere, Lizzie heads up to Santa Monica to judge the Miss Santa Monica USA pageant.  Oh, GOD.  I can only imagine.  Everyone I see associated with this segment looks like full-grown castmembers of “Toddlers and Tiaras.”  I like Lizzie, but none of this engendered her to me at all, regardless of how much she says that pageant girls nowadays are smart, accomplished career women.  It does seem that that’s the case, but if that’s really true, can we maybe eliminate the swimsuit competition and insert some earning statements?  Also, the only conclusion Lizzie reaches at the end of this segment is that she wants another baby.  Color me confused.  Supposedly she wants it “all,” and that includes judging pageants, running her company and raising a bunch of babies.  Good for her, I suppose…  I still don’t really know what to think of Lizzie.  Time will tell.

At Tamra’s, it’s time for “Good Day LA”!  Buuuuut, Tamra hasn’t spoken to Heather in almost a month, so, according to Eddie and the rest of the country, shit’s gonna be awkward.  Things don’t improve when Team Cu*t Fitness arrives at the studio.  Heather doesn’t come to say “hello,” so Tamra’s mortally offended, of course.  When it comes time for the actual segment, Heather has to do a quick change, but she doesn’t make back in time to put her mic on.  So, the first part of the segment is Heather tying her shoe, figuring out her mic and in general making it hard for Tamra to get across her very important talking points (one free week in January – NO one offers THAT!).  Tamra’s PISSED that Heather would show up and not pay their friendship it’s appropriate due.  Heather doesn’t really feel like she owed Tamra any of that since Tamra hadn’t reached out at all over the holidays to apologize.  Tamra vents to Eddie how rude she thought Heather was on set, but Eddie, being sane, understands what a great opportunity this was, says that there could have been a million reasons Heather wasn’t so available, and that the appropriate course of action would be a one-on-one conversation where both sides are presented in an unbiased and non-emotional fashion.

EDDIE REALITYDo you even know you’re on a reality show?  Do you?

At Shannon’s, it’s just another typical night at the Beador household, filled with passive aggressive “banter” with the children present.  Shannon went up to LA and got a stash of her party-smart pills, but she jokes that she’ll have to use them with a friend because her husband doesn’t rage, DAVID.  David points out that they could spend more time together if the kids weren’t sucking up a bunch of money with their “perks.”  These perks include Cotillion, (understandable), voice lessons (understandable), and massages… (WHAT?).  Shannon doesn’t consider those things perks, but part of a child’s life, but David grew up in the dirt in Michigan, and he’s not accustomed to rich kids and all their accoutrements.  Then they fight about whether or not he’s taking a glass of water to bed with him and it’s becoming clear that things are as bad in the Beador household as we thought.  David heads to bed at 8:30pm every night, so after their little spat, he goes to sleep and Shannon stays up by herself.  She reveals that this arrangement makes it so they spend only a few hours a day with each other, and it’s wearing on her.  It does seem pretty lonely.

Commercial!

Thankfully we return to a slightly happier household, or at least a more repressed one, as we head to Vicki’s for dinner.  Briana, Ryan, Troy and Michael arrive, and Briana comes bearing a box of balloons – once the box is open, the color of balloons will reveal the genitalia of the baby!  Hooray!  It is pretty cute, especially when bookended by opposing interviews of Vicki and Briana stating what sex Briana wants.  Vicki is adamant she wants a girl, and Briana, as well she should be after years on this show, is adamant that she is terrified of girls.  Guess what?

BRIANA BALLOONSIt’s a boy!  Congrats you crazy kids.

We hit up Tamra after this, and she’s calling Heather to schedule their Lunch of No Resolution.  Poor Heather’s been having a lot of those this season.   They agree to meet at Fig and Olive later, and with that, we head back to someone with real problems, Shannon.

Her holistic mindset is clearly sent into overdrive when she’s stressed, and when she and David argue, it hurts her heart.  Taking this extremely literally, she’s at a doctor’s office to get a stress echo.  Compounding matters, after a particularly bad fight, David’s just sent her an e-mail stating that he thinks it’d be best if he moved out.  Shannon’s at sixes and sevens about this because as unhappy as she is, she doesn’t want to lose her husband.  Aw, poor Shannon.  It’s her first season, so she’s not an asshole, and I feel genuinely bad for her.  I hope they work it out.

SHANNON POOR BEADOR My poor little Beador.

Back to Heather and Tamra for more shit that only matters in their tiny little heads.  Let’s just say I don’t have high hopes for this relationship.  Heather starts and she mentions that she’s sad that after the “Good Day LA” segment, she and Tamra didn’t get to have a friend moment.  Tamra agrees, saying the entire experience felt frosty, and she didn’t like it either.  The thing is, they’re both mad at the other for not reaching out, and they both think the other person owes them an apology.  Heather wants an apology for being ambushed at the party, which, really, she should be going to Lizzie for, and Tamra wants an apology for not being picked for the FIRST “Good Day LA” segment Heather did on a damn OC gym.  Heather reiterates once again that she had no control over that initial segment, but Tamra straight up doesn’t believe her.  Also, surprise, surprise, Tamra does not think she owes Heather an apology for the way she handled things at Shannon’s party.  So, what we have here are two vastly different interpretations of the same situation.

But of course, before there can be any real resolution, Tamra starts “crying” and saying she doesn’t want to fight with Heather anymore.  She gets out her big line of the season that during the “Good Day LA” thing, she felt as though she wasn’t dealing with Heather Dubrow her friend, but Heather Dubrow the ACTRESS.  Oh, Christ.  Guess what Heather’s dealing with now?

TAMRA SHITTY ACTRESSTamra Judge, the Even Shittier Actress.

Then, because she knows what to do when someone uses logic and rationality to beat her in an argument, Tamra brings up the REALLY egregious thing Heather did this season, which was the minute she took Eddie aside to talk about Tamra’s desire to have another child.  Then the fight dissipates and the conversation moves right back to Tamra and her custody troubles.  Well-played, Judge.  Until next time.

Once Tamra’s done playing to the cheap seats and it seems like the two ladies are doing better, Tamra suggests that Heather become better friends with Shannon.  Heather balks at this prospect, and then Tamra airs ALL of Shannon’s dirty laundry on national television to Heather, as though she hadn’t just bitched to Heather about doing the same thing.  This woman is fucking delusional.  She tells Heather that Shannon’s marriage is falling apart, that David sent Shannon the “I want to move out,” email and that Shannon drinks, “way too much.”  Oh.  Dayum.  That is not going to make Shannon happy one bit when she hears it come out of Heather’s mouth, which she surely will.  Dun dun DUN.  Tamra says all this in an effort to get Heather to cut Shannon some slack.  Heather doesn’t seem particularly moved by this, but we’ll see.

Commercial!

Walking into the lion’s den, it’s Shannon!  She heads over to Tamra’s house to cry on her shoulder about her impending divorce.  Shannon weeps that when David doesn’t make her a priority, she turns into a righteous bitch to come home to. I would imagine David’s response to that would be, “If you weren’t a righteous bitch, I’d want to see more of you…”  Vicious circle.  Tamra’s extremely sympathetic, as she is wont to be with someone who isn’t prettier or happier than her.  Shannon’s terrified that as the kids get older, they’re going to start seeing the cracks in their parents marriage and she’s desperate to not screw them up.  Tamra’s can totally relate having clearly screwed up her two oldest, and tells Shannon she made a deal with herself at one point to only stay with Simon until their strife started affecting their children.  Or until he lost his job.  Whichever came first.

We end the episode there, but in next week’s preview, Shannon finds out that Heather’s been talking about the e-mail he sent her and Tamra immediately denies having said anything to Heather – BALD-FACED LIE!!!  So, Shannon’s inevitable confrontation with Heather next week is definitely going to be something to look forward to.  As are these bangs.

TAMRA BANGS

See you next week, Y’all!!
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