I Wanna Marry “Harry” Recap: Pass the Crack Pipe
What am I going to do without Maggie? Â We do have this to remember her by.
We open at 5am and a Military vehicle comes up the driveway… it’s an army dude. He busts into the girls rooms, saying “Up you lazy maggots!” I canâ€™t argue with is first impressions.
He wakes up the girls and tells them there is boot camp clothing in the hallway. He has a REALLY hard time getting Tacky Jackie out of bed. In an interview, Kelley wants to know WHY Meghan isn’t being awakened for Boot Camp- she thinks it’s not fair.
Iâ€™m fairly certain that when Kelley was being taken to the shitty diner, Kelley thought it was perfectly fair that she wasnâ€™t participating in whatever nonsense the other ladies were up to. Kelleyâ€™s crazy psychosis is showing and she canâ€™t hide it anymore.
In the hallway, the sergeant instructs the girls “Right Turn!” And truth be told, a few of them donâ€™t really know their right from their left. Ha. You canâ€™t make this stuff up.
In the land of the Crown Suite, Kingsley wakes Meghan up and asks Meghan to join Sir in his room for brunch.
Meghan sashays in there, tits out in her see thru pajamas. She finds him completely dressed for the day. She asks him- now that it has been confirmed he is, indeed, Prince Harry, “Is it ok if I still call you Babe?” Not Harry is likeâ€¦ whatever. Not Harry asks if she is a ring leader among the group? He tells her that the girls are away on boot camp today and that he’s sure she is happy she wasn’t involved.
Meghan says in the interview that if she â€śwas promised a husband and a Chanel bag and there was a gun to my headâ€ť she wouldn’t have been happy about going to boot camp.
At Boot Camp, the girls arrive and there’s an obstacle course set up. The drill sergeant says that they are going to go through the same kind of training that Prince Harry and any Military person goes through while the girls were â€śshaking their pom poms in college.â€ť Ha. Yeah, Iâ€™m sure THIS will be exactly like Military trainingâ€¦ itâ€™s an insult to the Military, frankly. I’m pretty sure soldiers don’t have tank tops with their names printed on them and booty shorts. (And helmets with their names written on yellow tape. Ghettto Fox, get it together.) But for our entertainment, Iâ€™ll let it slide.
Of course Kelley â€śwants to know everything he went through.â€ť She also wants to keep little locks of his hair in a silver box in her top drawer, which is right next to a container of his ball cheese she scraped out of the pair of his dirty underwear she keeps under her pillow. Seriously, she is single white female. The sergeant announces the winner will get â€śpampering with the Prince in the days ahead.â€ť The girls start marching. They all want to win, weâ€™ll see who pulls it out. They have to jump into something called â€śHell River.â€ť
Kelley immediately elbows the other girls and takes the lead. Kelley is in her element she’s always been a gymnast and a runner. And a stalker. Please, nobody give this girl a weapon.
Not Harry and Meghan are going to “play” tennis. Meghan was thinking their date would be more extravagant. Honey, you could be eating silver dollar pancakes at a shitty diner, be thankful you got Tennis. But, heâ€™s seen her attempt to throw a ballâ€¦ why would he prolong the agony. Unless itâ€™s for his own personal comic
relief. Meghan can’t hit the ball to save her life. Not Harry tries to teach her. She can’t even hold a racquet.
Instead he just rubs up against her. Meghan says she wants to jump his bones.
Meanwhile a few of the girls nearly drown at boot camp, which honestly would have been no loss to humanity. Rose can run but she says has the upper body strength of a baby kitten. The sergeant has to pull Rose out of a drain pipe.
Kelly is a lunatic. Kelley wants to win no matter what. And â€¦then she wins. Kimberley comes in second. Karina is third.
Night falls and Meghanâ€™s date continues.
As an aside, Kelley REALLLLLLY got a shite date. She went to a diner, for like, an hour. Thatâ€™s it. Particularly looking at what Meghan is getting. Aside concluded.
Not Harry wants to put her in a romantic setting to see if she will open up a little. What, her legs? Trust me, from what Iâ€™ve seen she doesnâ€™t need any coaxing.
Meghan shows up to the woods and her jugs look gigantic and then she puts on this annoying baby voice.
They sit at a little table under a gazebo covered in twinkle lights. Not Harry asks what her dating life has been like… she tells him she’s been single for a year- she was very hurt in her last relationship. She asks him about his last relationship… he is caught off guard.
He fumbles through the answer. They get up from the table and go to look at the manor and fireworks start going off and they make out.
Inside the girls are like… what’s that noise? When they see the fireworks, they ALL say “don’t tell Kelley.” Alas Kelley has ears, so she goes to the window and is PISSED.
Every explosion she gets more and more pissed.
When the fireworks end, they make out some more. They go into a little hut/tent and thereâ€™s a bed and shit.
They are full on making out, and he feels like he is getting to know her. Yes, he now can taste what she had for lunch. What more does he need to know? He thinks she genuinely likes him for him.
The next morning, Meghan goes into the girlsâ€™ room to gloat. She’s on cloud nine and she doesn’t see the other girls as competition. Jacqueline is grossed out because Meghanâ€™s ego is already, like, a living, breathing entity with teeth and a spinal cord, Jackie feels she didnâ€™t deserve this awesome date. The girls really don’t want to hear it about Meghanâ€™s PERFECT evening with â€śher Babe.â€ť
Kelley wants the recap so she can review it, dissect it, dwell on it, plot and scheme, but meanwhile she is pissed and she is cringing inside. So, she decides she is going to tell Harry the truth about Meghan.
It’s spa time for Kelley and Not Harry. They are going to get massages, I guess.
Kelley tells him that she wishes Meghan would have had to do the boot camp because she wouldn’t have made it past the first obstacle. He laughs a little, as it could have been considered a fun commentâ€¦ IF Kelley wasnâ€™t a complete mental patient. But Kelley continues, “Do you really know who she is as a person? How she acts to other people besides you? Whatever she says to you, she only cares about her hair and she’s not honest. She isnâ€™t here for the right reasons.”
Not Harry has sensed some tension toward Meghan, he feels Kelley is being genuine and he has a lot to think about.
Kingsley gathers the ladies and tells them that they are going to visit the local pub. As the Crown Suite Whore Meghan will be traveling privately with “the Princeâ€ť The other ladies travel via double decker bus.
On the bus, Kelley tells the other girls that she told Harry about Meghan and what she’s really like. The other girls think she was brave to do that. Yes, their mouths say thatâ€¦ their eyes say â€śDo you think Iâ€™ll get seriously injured jumping from a Double Decker Bus?â€ť
Meanwhile, in the car, Meghan and Not Harry have a conversation and Not Harry wonders if it’s a genuine convo or not. Krazy Kelley planted a seed.
They arrive at the pub and soon thereafter, the other girls arrive. Not Harry hugs all of the girls, and he interested in seeing how the other girls act around Meghan.
They sit down at a table and Not Harry says he’s heard there have been a few “brawls” and Megan says sweetly “No,it’s been smooth sailing.”
Kelley straight up calls her out on it. Kelley says “There are SOME people that like to have their voice heard, and they haven’t been lady-like and they put up a front with their BIG CHEST and their nice hair!”
Omg, what is this speech?
Meghan says she feels she’s been one of the more genuine girls in the house. Yes, she is genuinely a skanky ho-bag. Jacqueline chimes in that Meghan is not genuine.
Meghan Teresa says that if she’s done anything to offend them she should tell her because that’s not her intention. Meghan says she jokes a lot and maybe they are just misinterpreting. Yep, itâ€™s EVERYBODY ELSE, not you. Typical mean girl m.o. In an interview Meghan says that they are all lying about her and it sucks because she is falling in love with him.
I love how all of these girls have ZERO ability to self analyze.
Outside, there are a bunch of fake paparazzi taking pictures of them through the windows of the pub. Not Harry and the girls are whisked away.
The next day the girls gather in the dining room, but there is tension. Kingsley comes in and announces that this evening Sir would like them to join him for Casino night. I swear they are on a cruise. Meghan is dreading this because she doesn’t want to have to deal with these “bitches.”
In an interview, Kelley says she will be nice to everyone at Casino Night, because she can be the perfect wife, princess, girlfriend.
Not Harry joins them and kisses them all hello.
Not Harry joins them and kisses them all hello.
They start playing games and Not Harry takes Kimberley aside for a chat. Not Harry asks her about Meghan and Kimberley says she tries to stay out of things. Well played sister. Not Harry tells her it’s hard to know if she’s interested in him. He tells her that he likes her and they kiss.
Not Harry comes back to the casino and asks to speak to Meghan. In another room, he asks her if she is okay and if she thinks she was treated fairly. Meghan says she thought it was shitty for Kelley to confront her in from of Harry. Meghan says she knows that she is an acquired taste and she wishes the girls would have talked to her privately and worked out their differences before it got to this point. Valid argument. Although Iâ€™m sure if they had, Meghan would have cackled and just put their pictures in her burn book.
Not Harry takes Tacky Jackie aside and asks her if she stands by everything she said about Meghan. Jackie says Meghan is the only person she has had a problem with. Jackie then says, seemingly innocently “If she met some guy who was just average she wouldn’t be interested.” Bingo. Magic words.
The evening is ending and Not Harry sits down with Kingsley. Kingsley asks if he feels guilty, he says yes. They talk about Meghan- Not Harry thinks that it wasnâ€™t fair of the girls to gang up on Meghan. He was impressed with Jacqueline. He likes Kelley. He likes Kimberley too.
Kingsley comes into the ladies and announces that Sir wanted to speak to Jacqueline and Kimberley.
Meghan is relieved. Kimberly thinks she’s definitely going home and she is bummed. She figures, sheâ€™s already had the Crown Suite and Jackie hasnâ€™t, so she really thought her goose was cooked.
In their chat, Not Harry tells Kimberley he’d like to put her in the Crown Suite again… Kimberly is STUNNED and thrilled, and tearfully accepts.
Outside, Not Harry makes Jackie sit down on some stone steps in her evening gown.
Really, you canâ€™t get Tacky Jackie a chair??? A stool, nothing? Why didnâ€™t he just have their little chat in the driveway? Not Harry tells Jacqueline that he feels he has more of a connection with the other girls and tells her he has to ask her to leave. Jackie, in a supremely non-tacky move, tells him “go with your gut and keep your eyes open.” Jacqueline interviews â€śHe didnâ€™t have a connection with me and he can’t really hold it against him.â€ť And she hopes one day their â€ścross will path again.â€ť Have another drink, Jackie.
Back in the dining room- Kelley says “We are all here to have fun and thatâ€™s what he wants and he doesn’t want drama.” Meghan is STUNNED, as is most of America, as last I checked Kelley was teaching Drama 101 at Crazy U. Meghan says Kelley â€śdelivered the drama on a silver platter.â€ť Kelley says Harry asked her what Meghan was really like. Meghan says she knows Harry didnâ€™t ask.
Iâ€™d like to point out that no man in the history of the world or The Bachelor has a man guessed that any of these psychos are psychos and asked another psycho for her opinion. Kelley informs Meghan that she â€śtakes life too seriously.â€ť Bahahaha. MisRed just spit out her Bartles and Jaymes Berry Wine Cooler.
Meghan aks “Is there a crack pipe going around because I have not hit it enough.” Good point and when you find it PLEASE pass it to MisRed. Kelley is nuts, someone PLEASE GET THE NET.
Kingsley comes in and tells them to all return to their bedroomsâ€¦ except for Meghan.
Kingsley directs Meghan to the Master Suite to talk to Not Harry and he escorts her there. She thinks she’s safe because Kingsley already called two names, plus she and Harry had a great date. She thinks he’s going to ask her to stay in the master suite with him. Is she high? That NEVER happens. Not even on the most dramatic episode of the Bachelor ever.
In his room, Harry tells her that he has been attracted to her since the beginning and he really thought he saw the real Meghan. But alot has happened and the girl he chooses has to be able to fit into a group dynamic. Meghan tells him to “Spit it out, babe.” And he tells her he has to ask her to leave.
She gets up and stomps out. He feels bad, they had a wonderful date and a great connection, but he saw some things he didn’t like.
Meghan is devastated, she feels sideswiped.
She feels there was a connection (uh, his weenus connecting with your saggy vagine doesn’t count as a connection) and Kelley sabotaged her. She feels like a fool. If Meghan wasnâ€™t such a total skank wench, I might feel bad. Although, I am A LOT more ok with her behavior than with Kelley the creeper.
Two more episodes… just two more. Â Quick! Grab MisRed’s hand…
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