I Wanna Marry “Harry” Recap: Pass the Crack Pipe

pub kelley shocked

What am I going to do without Maggie?  We do have this to remember her by.

maggie barfing
I miss the kooky horse

harry 5am
Why are his clothes laid out at the end of his bed?

We open at 5am and a Military vehicle comes up the driveway… it’s an army dude. He busts into the girls rooms, saying “Up you lazy maggots!” I can’t argue with is first impressions.

boot camp wake up
“Maggot?  Quit yer sweet talkin’!”

He wakes up the girls and tells them there is boot camp clothing in the hallway. He has a REALLY hard time getting Tacky Jackie out of bed. In an interview, Kelley wants to know WHY Meghan isn’t being awakened for Boot Camp- she thinks it’s not fair.

boot camp meghan sleeping
Meghan in full hair and make-up at 5am

I’m fairly certain that when Kelley was being taken to the shitty diner, Kelley thought it was perfectly fair that she wasn’t participating in whatever nonsense the other ladies were up to. Kelley’s crazy psychosis is showing and she can’t hide it anymore.

boot camp right turn
A little surprised at the ones who got it correct…

In the hallway, the sergeant instructs the girls “Right Turn!” And truth be told, a few of them don’t really know their right from their left. Ha. You can’t make this stuff up.

In the land of the Crown Suite, Kingsley wakes Meghan up and asks Meghan to join Sir in his room for brunch.

meghan crown suite jugs
Hair down, Tits out

Meghan sashays in there, tits out in her see thru pajamas. She finds him completely dressed for the day. She asks him- now that it has been confirmed he is, indeed, Prince Harry, “Is it ok if I still call you Babe?” Not Harry is like… whatever. Not Harry asks if she is a ring leader among the group? He tells her that the girls are away on boot camp today and that he’s sure she is happy she wasn’t involved.

boot camp meghan
Do you think I”m a totally stupid?

Meghan says in the interview that if she “was promised a husband and a Chanel bag and there was a gun to my head” she wouldn’t have been happy about going to boot camp.

boot camp

At Boot Camp, the girls arrive and there’s an obstacle course set up. The drill sergeant says that they are going to go through the same kind of training that Prince Harry and any Military person goes through while the girls were “shaking their pom poms in college.” Ha. Yeah, I’m sure THIS will be exactly like Military training… it’s an insult to the Military, frankly. I’m pretty sure soldiers don’t have tank tops with their names printed on them and booty shorts. (And helmets with their names written on yellow tape. Ghettto Fox, get it together.) But for our entertainment, I’ll let it slide.

Of course Kelley “wants to know everything he went through.” She also wants to keep little locks of his hair in a silver box in her top drawer, which is right next to a container of his ball cheese she scraped out of the pair of his dirty underwear she keeps under her pillow. Seriously, she is single white female. The sergeant announces the winner will get “pampering with the Prince in the days ahead.” The girls start marching. They all want to win, we’ll see who pulls it out. They have to jump into something called “Hell River.”

boot hell river
Eh, more like Hell Dried-up Creek

Kelley immediately elbows the other girls and takes the lead. Kelley is in her element she’s always been a gymnast and a runner. And a stalker. Please, nobody give this girl a weapon.

boot kelly obstacle course
Run, Alex Forrest, Run

Not Harry and Meghan are going to “play” tennis. Meghan was thinking their date would be more extravagant. Honey, you could be eating silver dollar pancakes at a shitty diner, be thankful you got Tennis. But, he’s seen her attempt to throw a ball… why would he prolong the agony. Unless it’s for his own personal comic

meghan tennis
He thinks “God I hope she holds my pud like that.”

relief. Meghan can’t hit the ball to save her life. Not Harry tries to teach her. She can’t even hold a racquet.

meghan tennis 2
I’m used to having balls flying at my face

Instead he just rubs up against her. Meghan says she wants to jump his bones.

Meanwhile a few of the girls nearly drown at boot camp, which honestly would have been no loss to humanity. Rose can run but she says has the upper body strength of a baby kitten. The sergeant has to pull Rose out of a drain pipe.

rose drainpipe

Kelly is a lunatic. Kelley wants to win no matter what. And …then she wins. Kimberley comes in second. Karina is third.

Night falls and Meghan’s date continues.

As an aside, Kelley REALLLLLLY got a shite date. She went to a diner, for like, an hour. That’s it. Particularly looking at what Meghan is getting. Aside concluded.

meghan date
I just saw a porn with this same set

Not Harry wants to put her in a romantic setting to see if she will open up a little. What, her legs? Trust me, from what I’ve seen she doesn’t need any coaxing.

meghan date jusgs

Meghan shows up to the woods and her jugs look gigantic and then she puts on this annoying baby voice.

They sit at a little table under a gazebo covered in twinkle lights. Not Harry asks what her dating life has been like… she tells him she’s been single for a year- she was very hurt in her last relationship. She asks him about his last relationship… he is caught off guard.

Harry flumoxed meghan
Umm, Uh

He fumbles through the answer. They get up from the table and go to look at the manor and fireworks start going off and they make out.

meghan harry date
Did you have Egg Mayo for lunch?

Inside the girls are like… what’s that noise? When they see the fireworks, they ALL say “don’t tell Kelley.” Alas Kelley has ears, so she goes to the window and is PISSED.

kelley fireworks

Every explosion she gets more and more pissed.

my pretty

When the fireworks end, they make out some more. They go into a little hut/tent and there’s a bed and shit.

film porn set
Furnishing courtesy of the Teresa Giudice Bankruptcy Auction

They are full on making out, and he feels like he is getting to know her. Yes, he now can taste what she had for lunch. What more does he need to know? He thinks she genuinely likes him for him.

meghan date recap
…and then he teabagged me

The next morning, Meghan goes into the girls’ room to gloat. She’s on cloud nine and she doesn’t see the other girls as competition. Jacqueline is grossed out because Meghan’s ego is already, like, a living, breathing entity with teeth and a spinal cord, Jackie feels she didn’t deserve this awesome date. The girls really don’t want to hear it about Meghan’s PERFECT evening with “her Babe.”

But I LOVE tea!!!!

Kelley wants the recap so she can review it, dissect it, dwell on it, plot and scheme, but meanwhile she is pissed and she is cringing inside. So, she decides she is going to tell Harry the truth about Meghan.

not gonna be ignored dan
I’m not going to be ignored, Harry

It’s spa time for Kelley and Not Harry. They are going to get massages, I guess.

spa kelley harry
<insert maniacal laugh here>

Kelley tells him that she wishes Meghan would have had to do the boot camp because she wouldn’t have made it past the first obstacle. He laughs a little, as it could have been considered a fun comment… IF Kelley wasn’t a complete mental patient. But Kelley continues, “Do you really know who she is as a person? How she acts to other people besides you? Whatever she says to you, she only cares about her hair and she’s not honest. She isn’t here for the right reasons.”

my plan is working
My evil plot is working

Not Harry has sensed some tension toward Meghan, he feels Kelley is being genuine and he has a lot to think about.

pub line up
You must get to the Winchester…

Kingsley gathers the ladies and tells them that they are going to visit the local pub. As the Crown Suite Whore Meghan will be traveling privately with “the Prince” The other ladies travel via double decker bus.

pub double decker bus

On the bus, Kelley tells the other girls that she told Harry about Meghan and what she’s really like. The other girls think she was brave to do that. Yes, their mouths say that… their eyes say “Do you think I’ll get seriously injured jumping from a Double Decker Bus?”

pub car m h

Meanwhile, in the car, Meghan and Not Harry have a conversation and Not Harry wonders if it’s a genuine convo or not. Krazy Kelley planted a seed.

They arrive at the pub and soon thereafter, the other girls arrive. Not Harry hugs all of the girls, and he interested in seeing how the other girls act around Meghan.

They sit down at a table and Not Harry says he’s heard there have been a few “brawls” and Megan says sweetly “No,it’s been smooth sailing.”

pub fight
Just take this outside and see who’s breast implants pop first

Kelley straight up calls her out on it. Kelley says “There are SOME people that like to have their voice heard, and they haven’t been lady-like and they put up a front with their BIG CHEST and their nice hair!”

pub kelley shocked

Omg, what is this speech?

Meghan says she feels she’s been one of the more genuine girls in the house. Yes, she is genuinely a skanky ho-bag. Jacqueline chimes in that Meghan is not genuine.

pub kelley stirring pot
Whaaaaaat?  I didn’t start this.

Meghan Teresa says that if she’s done anything to offend them she should tell her because that’s not her intention. Meghan says she jokes a lot and maybe they are just misinterpreting. Yep, it’s EVERYBODY ELSE, not you. Typical mean girl m.o. In an interview Meghan says that they are all lying about her and it sucks because she is falling in love with him.

I love how all of these girls have ZERO ability to self analyze.

pub paparazzi
These are the worst fake paps I’ve ever seen. Come ‘on Fox, get your shit together.  Don’t insult us. 

Outside, there are a bunch of fake paparazzi taking pictures of them through the windows of the pub. Not Harry and the girls are whisked away.

The next day the girls gather in the dining room, but there is tension. Kingsley comes in and announces that this evening Sir would like them to join him for Casino night. I swear they are on a cruise. Meghan is dreading this because she doesn’t want to have to deal with these “bitches.”

In an interview, Kelley says she will be nice to everyone at Casino Night, because she can be the perfect wife, princess, girlfriend.

Screen Shot 2014-06-17 at 5.47.31 PM

Not Harry joins them and kisses them all hello.

cheap dress sale at Fashion Bug
Oh look there was a cheap, fugly, polyester dress sale at Fashion Bug

Not Harry joins them and kisses them all hello.

casino night

They start playing games and Not Harry takes Kimberley aside for a chat. Not Harry asks her about Meghan and Kimberley says she tries to stay out of things. Well played sister. Not Harry tells her it’s hard to know if she’s interested in him. He tells her that he likes her and they kiss.

Not Harry comes back to the casino and asks to speak to Meghan. In another room, he asks her if she is okay and if she thinks she was treated fairly. Meghan says she thought it was shitty for Kelley to confront her in from of Harry. Meghan says she knows that she is an acquired taste and she wishes the girls would have talked to her privately and worked out their differences before it got to this point. Valid argument. Although I’m sure if they had, Meghan would have cackled and just put their pictures in her burn book.

burn book

musical skanks
He’s playing Musical Skanks

Not Harry takes Tacky Jackie aside and asks her if she stands by everything she said about Meghan. Jackie says Meghan is the only person she has had a problem with. Jackie then says, seemingly innocently “If she met some guy who was just average she wouldn’t be interested.” Bingo. Magic words.

The evening is ending and Not Harry sits down with Kingsley. Kingsley asks if he feels guilty, he says yes. They talk about Meghan- Not Harry thinks that it wasn’t fair of the girls to gang up on Meghan. He was impressed with Jacqueline. He likes Kelley. He likes Kimberley too.

Kingsley comes into the ladies and announces that Sir wanted to speak to Jacqueline and Kimberley.

jackie kim called

Meghan is relieved. Kimberly thinks she’s definitely going home and she is bummed. She figures, she’s already had the Crown Suite and Jackie hasn’t, so she really thought her goose was cooked.

In their chat, Not Harry tells Kimberley he’d like to put her in the Crown Suite again… Kimberly is STUNNED and thrilled, and tearfully accepts.

crown suite
Does a bear shit in the woods?

Outside, Not Harry makes Jackie sit down on some stone steps in her evening gown.

jackie leaving
Couldn’t spring for a chair, FOX?

Really, you can’t get Tacky Jackie a chair??? A stool, nothing? Why didn’t he just have their little chat in the driveway? Not Harry tells Jacqueline that he feels he has more of a connection with the other girls and tells her he has to ask her to leave. Jackie, in a supremely non-tacky move, tells him “go with your gut and keep your eyes open.” Jacqueline interviews “He didn’t have a connection with me and he can’t really hold it against him.” And she hopes one day their “cross will path again.” Have another drink, Jackie.

Back in the dining room- Kelley says “We are all here to have fun and that’s what he wants and he doesn’t want drama.” Meghan is STUNNED, as is most of America, as last I checked Kelley was teaching Drama 101 at Crazy U. Meghan says Kelley “delivered the drama on a silver platter.” Kelley says Harry asked her what Meghan was really like. Meghan says she knows Harry didn’t ask.

meghan flipping out

I’d like to point out that no man in the history of the world or The Bachelor has a man guessed that any of these psychos are psychos and asked another psycho for her opinion. Kelley informs Meghan that she “takes life too seriously.” Bahahaha. MisRed just spit out her Bartles and Jaymes Berry Wine Cooler.

Meghan aks “Is there a crack pipe going around because I have not hit it enough.” Good point and when you find it PLEASE pass it to MisRed. Kelley is nuts, someone PLEASE GET THE NET.

Kingsley comes in and tells them to all return to their bedrooms… except for Meghan.

pack it up slag
Pack it up, slag

Kingsley directs Meghan to the Master Suite to talk to Not Harry and he escorts her there. She thinks she’s safe because Kingsley already called two names, plus she and Harry had a great date. She thinks he’s going to ask her to stay in the master suite with him. Is she high? That NEVER happens. Not even on the most dramatic episode of the Bachelor ever.

meghan leaving candles
I’d love to get my hands on your knobs again, but time is short

In his room, Harry tells her that he has been attracted to her since the beginning and he really thought he saw the real Meghan. But alot has happened and the girl he chooses has to be able to fit into a group dynamic. Meghan tells him to “Spit it out, babe.” And he tells her he has to ask her to leave.

meghan harry bust up

She gets up and stomps out. He feels bad, they had a wonderful date and a great connection, but he saw some things he didn’t like.

Meghan is devastated, she feels sideswiped.

meghan done

She feels there was a connection (uh, his weenus connecting with your saggy vagine doesn’t count as a connection) and Kelley sabotaged her. She feels like a fool. If Meghan wasn’t such a total skank wench, I might feel bad. Although, I am A LOT more ok with her behavior than with Kelley the creeper.

ending contestants
For those playing along at home

Two more episodes… just two more.  Quick! Grab MisRed’s hand…

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