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Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Ratz in the Hood | TrashTalkTV - Part 5

Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Ratz in the Hood

Back with Kelsie and Hood Rat Trystian…who is that white guy with Obama’s ears?  Is that daddy?  God, wonder where he keeps his balls.

27-Might be time for that paternity test

Might be time for that paternity test. Kelsie, of course, is crying and throwing a fit.  She really is a one-trick pony.

Trystian tells us that the pageant is here in Vegas and it is “Sugar & Spice.”  Then says snots, “And that pretty much says it all.”  Does it?  Because it really doesn’t for me.

You know, she is a nasty combination of arrogant and ignorant as I mentioned in the minicap, and that is just super dangerous.  She doesn’t know how completely stupid she is and she’s loud about her ignorance.  Please let me sit next to her on a long flight.

Trystian says she doesn’t know what the judges are looking for (usually the “whole package”) and says she hopes they are “looking for the right thing” which of course “is Kelsie.”  Yeah, only if they are looking to water their lawns with her tears will they be looking for Kelsie, dumbass.

“If they’re not looking for that, then aren’t looking for the right thing,” she says.  Does she even listen to what she says or does she just spout off words in the hopes that their order will make some sense?  Because they really don’t.

Kelsie is crying on the way to the pageant.

Cora is being a huge control-freak pain in the ass that only dumpy fatass pageant moms can be, complaining that if they don’t bring every prop plus the kitchen sink, her husband is just going to forget it in his car and then really what’s the use of being married?  I honestly don’t know why so many men marry when this is what they end up putting up with.  I mean, she had to be like this before they got married, right?

“Me and Bailey and Miss Cambrie is gonna go on a road trip,” she says, stabbing proper grammar right into a Dateline murder mystery.  “Four hours, through the desert…”

2-Here's hoping

We can only hope. Dad says, “Be careful” as Cora turns into a stupid teenager and peels out in her car.  Stay klassy, Cora!

Then Cora bitches about how road trips are “a little chaos.”  Oh, Dateline, I’m seeing clues everywhere to the grammar murder…Riley has to pee all the time which is a “nightmare,” especially when they put the port-o-potty on the highway and hold up a blanket for privacy.  Uh, she’s FOUR.  Why do you still have that thing and are you telling me between Arizona and Nevada there are no rest stops, gas stations, restaurants or other facilities where a FOUR YEAR OLD can use the toilet?

28-Because why now

 Because WHY now? Also, did they keep that pee in the tiny tot toilet or throw it on the side of the highway?  Perhaps Cora should stop shoving juice boxes down her throat.  You find that what goes in eventually comes out, so ease up on the liquids in the next few hours.  She won’t die.

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41 comments on “Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Ratz in the Hood

  1. Clair says:

    Sparkle Baby!

  2. thisbuggs4u says:

    Clair you beat me to it!
    Git it Gurl!

  3. TinkerTeaTori says:

    I am very interested to see how Triscuit does on her appearance…

  4. thisbuggs4u says:

    Oh jeez we have a reply button?!? This is going to get interesting!
    Yeah, Tori is here! Is it bad that it is 10:30 and I am still wanting coffee??

  5. cattyfan says:

    I don’t have anything to say. I just wanted to post on the new site.

  6. ellemenop says:

    ooh, how long ’til the delusiona moms migrate?

  7. thisbuggs4u says:

    I hope Cora finds her way over here! Delusiona at its finest!

  8. Pegalicious says:

    Yay! We can see it in a single page, AND we can reply to a specific comment! Soooo happy!

    Congrats on the new site, everyone.

    (Oops, sorry; I commented on TnT on the Site That Shall Not Be Named… Just wanted to squee a bit about the new site…)

  9. Schadenfreude Schadenfreude says:

    Managed the long migration, over mountains, across rivers, battling Delusionas with Hydra-headed toddlers, to join the Gasmii who are now. . . .Trashmii? It’s nice to be here at the new Casa Crabby!

  10. Aunt Dorsey says:

    The “spitter” made the big time and was on The Soup. Here’s hoping she can upgrade to loogies and parlay that singular talent to Miss America.

    • Shorty Cakes says:

      Ha ha awesome Aunt D.!!!!

    • ellemenop says:

      but according to rileyscoach, she doesn’t “actually” spit because apparently she doesn’t know how to make saliva come out to accompany the spitting motions. she is robbing a child who actually ejects saliva through her pursed lips from the UGS in spitting. what is this, a Lisa Fulgham pageant???

  11. Shorty Cakes says:

    Crabby, I will miss re-reading your past snarks of Toddlers & Tiaras, from 2009 on. Can you re-post them here on this website? I love to watch an old episode and then read the recap gain, fun fun!

  12. Aunt Dorsey says:

    If I were Kelsie, I’d cry all the damn time too, being saddled with a mother like Dristan. I predict she’ll graduate from mayonnaise eating to paste by pre-school.

  13. Tapnfeet99 says:

    Weird, now it won’t let me read in a single page format but it did two hours ago….am I missing a trick? That button seems to have disappeared.

    Btw, I still remember my mom having to drive through Inglewood when I was little and she got all freaked out b/c we were lost at night and she was afraid to ask for directions b/c it was SCARY INGLEWOOD! Bet Tristian was right near us getting into fights with other hoodrat kids. ;-)

    • RonnieK RonnieK says:

      Sorry Tapn!! Have to have pages to pay for server space! ;(

      • Chicken Lips Chicken Lips says:

        If you were a hood rat, you’d know how to get it for free and then we can have single pages all up in here!

        (I’m assuming – I’m not a hood rat, but stealing server space seems like a hood rat thing to do)

        • ellemenop says:

          unfortunately, stealing server space also seems a little too high-tech for your average hood rat. maybe zombie apocalypse mom is Asian enough to pull it off, though.

  14. Madelyne27 says:

    “Does she even listen to what she says or does she just spout off words in the hopes that their order will make some sense?”

    My new favorite sentence.

  15. TurtleGirl93 says:

    I’m late to this party but at least I found it! Here’s hoping we love our new online home as much as the old one. Salud!

  16. J-Mo J-Mo says:

    Dear Crabby.

    I love you forever.

    love, J-Mo :)

  17. PageantKidGrownUp says:

    Gak, on ye olde place, narcassitic mean bitch has drug her bitch friends with her. We be evil skanky hobags for snarking on her brat having fewer manners than a goldfish, even if the brat is actually pretty. Momma bitch needs to learn the Naomi Campbell lesson. No matter how pretty you may be, an ugly personality will ruin you. Or beauty fades, ugly is forever.

    I don’t care if the meanie pants producers tell your ill mannered demonic spawn to be rude. My toddler demon spawn would be wide eyed in shock if told to say that she’s pretty and another is ugly. Spitting would get the produce the same reaction. If pushed on either, she’d run off for Daddy. Teach your brats manners and to stand up for themselves. It’ll help keep them off the pole.

    Or how about not being a fame whore and refusing to sign such a hideous contract. If your kid is that special, there are other options that don’t control your next 12 months or require your minor child be badgered by strangers without you present.

  18. Chicken Lips Chicken Lips says:

    OH. DEAR. LORD! I just started watching the 9:00 ET show and I’m seriously afraid our Dear Crabby won’t be able to ‘cap this one because she will explode from having so much to say and her fingers being too slow to type it all.

    Just watching the “coming up on” I cannot wait for the ‘cap and the fun!

    • the wrong Spock says:

      IKR?? It’s soooooooooo epic. Crabby will need naps and snacks to cover it!!! I’m pretty sure my mouth was all slack jawed in horror the entire time. Sweet. Effing. Cupcake dress. Crap.

    • PageantKidGrownUp says:

      Did the DVR thing here. But if eight hand gossip is true, the Coastal GA pageant played a very large part in Wendy pulling Paisley from pageants. Honestly, those two remain favorites of mine. The kid acts like a typical kid, seemed to like pageants overall, I don’t need a wtf pageantese to English translation even if TLC disagrees for Mom or Paisley. Plus, for the only time I can remember, Wendy admitted that she was doing this for herself. On the show, all but the boring ones are the exact same but they don’t admit it. Plus, honestly, for as stage mom as Wendy was shown, she was good for snarking herself. Granted, I’m not dressing my kid up in “the” outfit – but the beloved Shirley Temple routines are worse for the creep factor and there was no stripper moves in less underwear than I wore on my honeymoon. Kid clumped around in a costume wig, mostly covered and with the silly wig, it was funny more than skanky.

  19. Ashley24 says:

    This recap was WAY too long. Kelsie is a beautiful little girl. I love her curly hair, I hate how you made nearly this entire recap about how ugly she is and how she cries too much. Her mom is the ugly one and obviously the TWO year old has a lot to cry about. And, btw mayo does make your hair soft and healthier. Look it up. So so ignorant….

  20. thisbuggs4u says:

    I have both on the DVR. Been having massive head aches the past few days…Will watch tomorrow and am pretty sure I will have lots to say…I am trying to get an avitar also. I figured out how to make one, no I am just trying to figure out how to get it here!

    • CDR Janny says:

      Sadly, you’ll probably still have massive headaches after watching last night’s two train wrecks. TLC seems to be going for the Jerry Springer vibe. But very enjoyable!

  21. thisbuggs4u says:

    Great! Just what I need!

    Is TLC pulling this show? I mean this is the second week of 2 back to back episodes…I don’t know if this group could take T&T with drawls!

  22. momof3 says:

    That Bailey was one of the ugliest children I have ever seen..her mom is horrid..and made her that ugly.

  23. Kendall Hyer says:

    The foul spitting kid needs some manners! YUCK!

  24. getalife says:

    Bailey looks like she has a deformed forehead – it juts way out. Not a nice profile, that’s for sure. She’s kind of cute now but if she’s going to end up looking at all like momma she’d better enjoy it while she can!

  25. dubblebubble says:

    http://www.voy.com/219913/4824.html#post
    So anybody know if this poster is talking about Bailey’s mom?

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