Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: Ratz in the Hood

Back with Kelsie and Hood Rat Trystian…who is that white guy with Obama’s ears?  Is that daddy?  God, wonder where he keeps his balls.

27-Might be time for that paternity test

Might be time for that paternity test. Kelsie, of course, is crying and throwing a fit.  She really is a one-trick pony.

Trystian tells us that the pageant is here in Vegas and it is “Sugar & Spice.”  Then says snots, “And that pretty much says it all.”  Does it?  Because it really doesn’t for me.

You know, she is a nasty combination of arrogant and ignorant as I mentioned in the minicap, and that is just super dangerous.  She doesn’t know how completely stupid she is and she’s loud about her ignorance.  Please let me sit next to her on a long flight.

Trystian says she doesn’t know what the judges are looking for (usually the “whole package”) and says she hopes they are “looking for the right thing” which of course “is Kelsie.”  Yeah, only if they are looking to water their lawns with her tears will they be looking for Kelsie, dumbass.

“If they’re not looking for that, then aren’t looking for the right thing,” she says.  Does she even listen to what she says or does she just spout off words in the hopes that their order will make some sense?  Because they really don’t.

Kelsie is crying on the way to the pageant.

Cora is being a huge control-freak pain in the ass that only dumpy fatass pageant moms can be, complaining that if they don’t bring every prop plus the kitchen sink, her husband is just going to forget it in his car and then really what’s the use of being married?  I honestly don’t know why so many men marry when this is what they end up putting up with.  I mean, she had to be like this before they got married, right?

“Me and Bailey and Miss Cambrie is gonna go on a road trip,” she says, stabbing proper grammar right into a Dateline murder mystery.  “Four hours, through the desert…”

2-Here's hoping

We can only hope. Dad says, “Be careful” as Cora turns into a stupid teenager and peels out in her car.  Stay klassy, Cora!

Then Cora bitches about how road trips are “a little chaos.”  Oh, Dateline, I’m seeing clues everywhere to the grammar murder…Riley has to pee all the time which is a “nightmare,” especially when they put the port-o-potty on the highway and hold up a blanket for privacy.  Uh, she’s FOUR.  Why do you still have that thing and are you telling me between Arizona and Nevada there are no rest stops, gas stations, restaurants or other facilities where a FOUR YEAR OLD can use the toilet?

28-Because why now

 Because WHY now? Also, did they keep that pee in the tiny tot toilet or throw it on the side of the highway?  Perhaps Cora should stop shoving juice boxes down her throat.  You find that what goes in eventually comes out, so ease up on the liquids in the next few hours.  She won’t die.