I Wanna Marry “Harry” Recap: American Pageant

and the winner is

This show has been cancelled… hahaa, it’s like cutting off a satisfying sh*t mid-sh*t. and I mean this quite literally. So MisRed will recap the remaining episodes over the next week and then we can all curl up in the fetal position in the bottom of our shower and try to scrub it off.

At the end of the last episode, Chelsea and Anna Lisa exited. Chelsea by choice, Anna Lisa most probably because she seemed to be onto the fact that Not Harry is, well, not Harry. And Kelley, the stage 5 clinger was moved into the Crown Suite.

Not Harry is awakened by someone other than Kingsley- he must be trying to renegotiate his contract, because surely he did not see THIS level of humiliation coming. Not Harry says he think most of the girls are beginning to fall for this ruse and they do, indeed believe he is Prince Harry.

line up
Where would one buy a skirt like this?  Forever Slutty?

Oh here’s Kingsley, he has gathered the remaining suckers and says that Sir was worried that they might be missing home, so they have raised the American Flag over Deerfield Manor.

american flag
Now I feel better about my Mom being dead. 

I know that when I miss my family all I do is look at the flag to feel better. ??? The girls think it’s the sweetest thing EVER and then Kingsley announces that there is going to be a Pageant, to vie for the Title of Miss Deerfield.

England travel guide
Hmmm, where is the chapter on stalking and kidnapping Royals?

Kelley is in the Crown Suite reading a Lonely Planet guidebook to England, dressed and ready at 4am for her date with “Prince Harry.” She says “I don’t think the rest of the girls know what they are dealing with. When it comes down to the wire, I will do anything to be with him.” Yikes. I can’t believe this chick passed the psych evaluation. Someone comes in and gets her and brings Kelly to Not Harry.

 Screen Shot 2014-06-15 at 5.31.44 PM
I was up all night carving “Mrs. Prince Harry” into the skin on my forearm

In his room he tells her that he thinks she, more than anyone else, is falling for this horseshit, I mean, knows who he really is, but he wants her to forget about that and get to know him. She says she doesn’t care that he’s a Prince, she wants to get to know him, or anyone else that shows that slightest bit of interest in her.

No, your steely stare isn't creeping me out at all.
No, you’re steely stare isn’t creeping me out at all…I’ve had hostage training

He says it’s harder to tell the lies to Kelley because she is so trusting. And she thinks that she has confirmation that he is really Harry and this gives her an advantage. Bless your heart, you poor girl.

hot rod?
Hot Rod?

Not Harry takes her into the courtyard and there is an antique American hot road there-I’m sure I’m supposed to know what it is, but I do not.

no peeking
No peeking…I don’t want you to be able to find your way back…

So they get in and she is supposed to keep her eyes closed, but keeps opening them.

shitty diner
Yeah, I had a Royal Groupon

He takes her to an American Diner for “a bit of grub” and really what they do is completely irrelevant because she is the most down to earth girl in the competition.

a real authentic set of a diner
A real, authentic, fake diner

The staff in the diner are in on the ruse so they interrupt his meal to ask for a photo with him…which Kelley then takes and is THRILLED to do so.

photo op

She wants to be with a man that gets noticed.

Back at the Manor, the other girls are preparing for the pageant. Maggie is doing a “cheer” as her talent. Ok.

practicing for pageant
This is what passes for talent these days. 

Rose is helping Karina practice a dance? Jacqueline will be hula hooping.

On the date, Not Harry asks Kelley to tell him something no one else knows, so she tells him that as a child she had leukemia. Whoa. And she attributes her upbeat personality to having survived cancer. Ok, now I feel bad for calling her a clinger. Wait, no I don’t. Not Harry now feels REALLY terrible because she is so sweet and he is completely deceiving her. Their date ends and Kelley says it was the best date she’s ever been on in her entire life. MisRed thinks she got the shaft. I’m surprised they didn’t go dutch on the bill.

i know you went on a helicopter and a boat and a hot air balloon but I got a grilled cheese and some disco fries y'all

Kelley returns to the house and tells the girls about her date. The girls are like “Oh, you went to a diner?” They have to choke back their laughter.

really? you went to a diner
I haven’t even been on a date yet and I’ve had a better date than you

And no, Kelley tells them, they didn’t kiss. Meghan says that Kelley is clearing in the “friend zone. And Babe wants a woman and Kelley is a little girl.”

The girls are called to the dining room but there’s no food. Maggie announced that she needs some liquid courage. Kingsley announces that one of them has figured out Sir’s true identity and Kingsley confirms that he is “His Royal Highness Prince Harry of Wales.” Kingsley says that Sir requests that the girls respect his family’s privacy and remain the lovely girls they have been to date. Kingsley leaves and the girls are all like OMG-this adds so much more pressure and how stupid are we that it took us so long to figure this out???

Outside Not Harry says now there is no going back.

Some of the girls say how they knew the whole time someone else can’t believe it’s really Prince Harry (I think it’s Rose) that she can’t believe she went commando the entire time in front of him. Something tells me Rose would go commando in front of the Pope. The girls want to know who knew … and Kelley tells them it was her but won’t tell them how she knew or what went down. Maggie interviews that Kelley is “psychotic and a stage 5 clinger.” Yeah, well, maybe she’s been reading my recaps.

Oh good it’s pageant time.

let the pageant begin

We begin with the “talent.”

Maggie does her cheer.

maggie talent
“I bought my pom poms with my own money…”

Meghan does “comedy.” Here is a joke of hers “Knock Knock” Who’s there? “Not me in The Crown Suite.”

Kimberly plays the foot piano.

kimberley meghan talent
Tom Hanks called … he said don’t quit your day job

Rose performs CPR.
Jacqueline hula hoops.

rose jacqueline talent
Rose, stop.  He wants to die. 

Karina gives him a lap dance.
Kelley square dances.

karina kelley talent

Next up, the Swim Suit Competition. Meghan knows what she has to offer and it fits in a bikini.

parade of skanks
Parade of Skanks

Oh good, there’s an interview portion with the swimsuit portion. Kingsley asks each of them “Why should you be Miss Deerfield Manor?”

Here is MisRed’s Talent: The Artistic Screen Grab

Kimberley: “Because I think everyone should have bacon cheeseburgers every night and a Jacuzzi
Jacqueline: “Because I’m having a lot of fun getting to know you”
Karina: “I’m loving, I’m loyal”
Rose: “I’m sassy and I’m foxy”
Meghan: “I’m a package deal. I’m hot, I’m classy and I’m smart.”
Kelley : “I believe Miss Deerfield is a woman that knows how to run this estate with passion and dignity and to love her man and the people of this land.”
Maggie: “Because I feel like we’ve really gotten to know each other and I’m really stargin to have feeling for you. Every single time I get to spend time with you I love it and I never want to leave.”

Not a single one talked about World Peace. Bummer.

and the winner is

The Crown goes to Jacqueline. She declares “Shots for all.” Meghan is not happy Tacky Jackie won.

Queen Hoochie

Later, the girls invite Not Harry to their bedroom to drink. They are all in their PJ’s. Kelley is mad that Meghan is sitting next to him.

harry in pjs

They decide to play Hide and Seek and hilarity ensues. Not really. Sorry to get your hopes up.

hide and seek
Too bad the “hiding” is temporary

Not Harry leaves for the evening, hugging all of the girls and Meghan grabs his butt.

grab butt
If you come back later you can give me a pearl necklace

Meghan says that there’s a difference between looking and eye-sex.


Kelley thinks Meghan is a fake and a skank. Thanks for catching up, Kelley.

they'll never find your body
They will never find your body

The following evening, the American theme continues- there is a Carnival set up for the “ladies.” Poor Kingsley has to dress up too.

they do not pay me enoug
This get-up was not in my contract

Meghan is excited to get her hands on his “Crown Jewels.” Well she said she was a package deal. She just didn’t say HIS package.

hot dog eating

They have a corn dog eating contest and Kimberley wins.  If he was smart he’d award that Crown Suite key right now.

maggie ferris wheel
Most guys try to throw me off rides like this

Not Harry takes Maggie on the Ferris Wheel. He thinks “she’s a laugh a minute” and Maggie thinks she’d make a “fun Princess.”

just when you thought it wasn't posibble to look dorkier
Just when you thought he couldn’t look any dorkier…

Dinner is served-Cheeseburgers. And Kelley goes in and attacks her burger like she hasn’t seen food in 3 weeks. She has BBQ sauce all over her face and is licking her fingers. Meghan thinks its gross and she shouldn’t be eating like a wildebeest.

eating a burger
I love how Meghan the road-whore is the authority on manners

Not Harry tells them it’s an informal dinner and they should eat however they wish. Maggie asks Not Harry what’s English for “Thank you.” And Not Harry replies “Thank you.”

decisions to make
I must drag you away as we prearranged.

Kingsley removes Sir to make some decisions. Kelley says she wants to move to England tomorrow to be with Prince Harry.

Kingsley asks Not Harry who is most into him being Royal and Not Harry says “Karina.” Kingsley asks if he feels bad about deceiving all of these girls and he says yes. Kingsley wants to know about Jacqueline- Not Harry says she growing on him. (like a wart might?) Maggie is great and mischevious, he likes that. What about Meghan? He thinks she’s overconfident and he’s not sure he’s connecting with her in a romantic way. SNAP.

Kingsley returns to the girls and says that Sir wants to speak to Maggie and Meghan. Rut Roh. They both look like they are heading to the firing squad.

maggie meghan chosen

Maggie thinks that if she goes home, at least she was 100% herself and if he doesn’t like her there’s really nothing she can do about it. The girls think that Meghan is tough competition. Kelley thinks that she’s a bitch, but Karina thinks that she knows how to get a guy. But they think if he saw how she really interacted with other people he wouldn’t care for her.

Meghan thinks she’s going home because Maggie has had SO much time with him and she’s had none.

Not Harry meets with Maggie, who is having a mental breakdown.

maggie crying

He says that she’s been nothing but great and fun and he was really impressed with how she stood up and spoke at the pageant. He was one of her favorites from the start but he’s not sure if there is a romantic connection or not, but he has to go with is heart.

With Meghan he says that he felt that she was very confident on the first night but he thinks there is a fine line between confident and arrogant and he would like to have seen a slightly more humble side to her.

what ar you trying to say
So, what are you trying to say?

Uh, Sir, I’ve checked, she doesn’t have another side to her.

You didn't say last call did you?
I’m crying because someone said “Last Call.”

Not Harry asks Maggie to leave. She says that she wishes the best for him. She tells him she is glad she got to know him and they will be friends, right?

he cries real tears
He cries real tears

Not Harry even sheds a tear when she leaves. Maybe he is allergic to horses.
He asks Meghan to go to the Crown Suite. She’s excited she finally is going to get some time with her “babe.”

meghan on top of NH

Kelley says if Meghan stays she will jump off a building. Well, you better head for the roof, psycho.

i'm back bitches
Guess who’s back bitches?

Meghan arrives back in the ho quarters, and is underwhelmed at the chilly reception the girls give her.

we couldn't be happier for you
We couldn’t be happier for you. 

really we couldn't
Really, we couldn’t.

Kelley reluctantly hands over the Crown Suite key.

I’d rather get leukemia again than hand you this key.

Here’s what we are left with

I’m kind of sad to see Maggie go. Even though I mocked her relentlessly, she was completely harmless and GREAT entertainment. I googled Meghan after I read her bio on the Fox.com website where she lists her occupation as “Artist.” Here are two examples of her art.

meghan's art
Keeping it classy

MisRed will try to recap all of the remaining episodes this week for you guys!  Remember… we are all in this together.  xoxo

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us onTwitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram and follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest!