WeTV is a network with high standards- both in the quality television programming they offer their many dozens of viewers and the data they send to the cable TV providers who upload the names of the episodes they broadcast. This time around, they did not supply an episode title to Time Warner Cable Television, an organization so well regarded that it ranks below the oil and tobacco companies on the lists of most hated companies. Therefore, I had to name the episode myself. Originally, this was to be titled “groups of loathsome jerkwads in a house” but I decided to go with “Meltdowns and Breakdowns” instead. On to the suitably titled show.
A moronic morning in the mansion. Slade is helping Gretchen pick out a pageant outfit for the talent portion of the competition- except Gretchen has no talent and this isn’t Miss America. Ryan swims lazily in the pool because he is one half of a perfect couple and this is what perfect people do to start another perfect day. Tanisha picks out jewelry with which to beat Clive over the head.
Traci is again starting her morning with a “Breakfast Vodka” of straight liquor. Even Roger is looking at her like “I think you have a problem.” And he would be right.
The Directors pow wow with the useless co-Directors. They say that Traci and Kevin, Mrs. Booze-for-Breakfast and Mr. Enabler, probably have the most issues to work through. They again call out Gretchen and Slade for being fake. HA. They say some other nonsense about the rest of them but it doesn’t matter. They summon the couples to the living room.
DE (that’s Director Elizabeth) says that every couple has hot buttons. DC says that the exercise is about recognizing the triggers that cause arguments and set them off. Each couple will say mean things to each other until they hit the “hot button” and the other half of the couple has to hit a physical button when that happens. So, basically, this episode involves the idiots channeling all the things the public says about them (ahem, like me) and then they have to bang on a discount Staples button, but instead of saying “That Was Easy” it should say something like “This Pisses Off a Putz.”
Kevin and Traci are up first. Traci lays into Kevin about going out with the fellas (buzz) and spending money without asking Traci or that he does not have (buzz). Kevin tries to trigger Traci by talking about her drinking too much (buzz), that he does not say things correctly (buzz) and some other crap. She buzzes like an angry bee.
Clive and Tanisha are up next but he does not want to participate. He probably hears this shit every day. He says she is a gold digger (buzz). As she buzzes, she breaks a nail. He then says something so awesome and terrible, I actually say “Wow” out loud, startling my old cat. He says that for someone her size, it is so odd that she does not cook a lick. Basically, Tanisha is so fat, Clive is incredulous that she does not know how to or care enough to actually make food to eat. Tanisha gives him a look like she cannot believe he has the cross-eyed balls to say something like that.
Tanisha bashes the button repeatedly. Tanisha gets serious and says that it is because she never gave him a baby. Uh OK. They are done.
Roger and Jenni are up. They are worried that the editors will make it seem like they hate each other. Way to break down the fourth wall.
Jenni says he is with her for fame (buzz). He won’t help her with her career (buzz). Jenni says that he puts money and his career first. She says the same. WHAT CAREER? Being a baker is a career. Working as a teacher is a career. Being on reality shows is NOT A FUCKING CAREER. Speaking of career reality stars, Gretchen and Slade are up.
Gretchen is worried that people will think Slade talks to her all the time like this and that they are not comfortable with the exercise. Ugh, she is just exhausting. Maybe she needs a breakfast vodka and he can get a reverse vasectomy for brunch. Just do the stupid exercise you two dim-bulbs.
DC says that if people don’t trust the exercises they will have to be as tough as they need to be. They decide to let the couples take a break. Give me a break with this!
We go to commercials and I go grab a post-lunch scotch.
After a pre-dinner gin and tonic, we are back at the house. Traci is considering leaving the house…and Kevin. Gretchen, AGAIN, inserts herself and tries to shoehorn her way into their problems for more camera time. When Traci finally opens the closet where she was hiding (the same closet in which Gloria beat the hell out of Mark in the past season), she is packing her bag. DC pleads with her to stay. He tries to tell her that she needs to move past her issues so she can think reasonably. DE convinces her to talk it out with her.
Traci’s main complaint is that Kevin told her she drinks too much. She feels like she is being treated like a child. Yes, a child with an alcohol problem. A “breakfast vodka” is a red flag. Check that- it is a red flag dipped in red paint mounted on a red wall in the locker room of the Cincinnati Reds.
DE brings them out to chat in a one-on-one. Kevin accepts that he is treating her like a child, but WHAT ABOUT HER DRINKING? That is kind of glossed over and it is really annoying. The couples are again assembled and then split up: Trista, Roger, Gretchen, Clive and Traci are in one group and are led out of the room, hopefully to a padded cell. Instead it is into a makeshift morgue and Trista says it is scary. We go to commercials. I run to the bar for a pre-dinner beer and pickle back shot.
The exercise starts with Kevin. DC says to close his eyes and imagine that it is the future. They had an argument and Traci storms out. There has been a terrible accident. DC says that Kevin has to identify Traci’s body. He opens the morgue door and, from the dry ice smoke, pulls out Traci on a slab. All I can think was that she had a breakfast vodka and drove drunk. What will the tombstone say? “Here lies a drinker who thankfully did not kill anyone else.”
To his credit, and heart, Kevin sheds a tear. He tells her corpse that he loves her so much and that he is sorry for, and I quote, “things I made you feel.” Her slab retracts into the morgue. DC asks what he could have done to make the relationship better? He says not being impatient and not listening. UHHHH, but what about being concerned about her drinking? That is a pretty major plot hole here.
The Directors say that they are giving him a second chance and having him marry Tanisha. Wait, sorry, he is not in hell. The exercise was fake and Traci is still alive to drink booze first thing in the AM…for now.
Next up is the drama king to the drama queen, Slade and Gretchen. Here come the fucking waterworks.
DE tells Slade Gretchen was in an accident and they were not able to save her. No big loss to humanity. Casey Kasem just passed away…I am way more upset about that. He starts blubbering immediately. His tears, unlike Gretchen’s face, are real. He says that he is sorry for his actions. DE asks if he wants to touch her one last time and he grabs a handful of her boobs. Actually, he is too upset. DE says that even though his emotions are real, it raises a red flag that he does not want to touch her. Ehhh, it feels like they are grasping at straws.
Ryan and Trista are up next. He looks at her perfect corpse. She looks as perfect in death as she did in life.
Ryan says his goodbye and they reel in half of America’s most perfect couple back into the morgue. Once reunited in life, Trista is sobbing and they are embracing. It might be touching, if I cared about them. But I don’t so it isn’t.
Tanisha and Clive are up next. Tanisha is scared and already acting annoying. She says she is freaking out. Speaking of out, here comes Clive’s corpse. They show clips of the two of them arguing and fighting. Tanisha is telling Clive to get up and sobbing. DE says she needs to show another emotion other than anger. Tanisha says “I don’t do death” and takes off out of the house, vomiting onto the front steps of the mansion. DC asks the cold dead body if this is what he expected. Heh heh. Their segment ends with a close up of Tanisha’s ring that spells “Love” as she hugs Clive.
Jenni is up next. She walks into the morgue and we go to commercials.
When we get back, Jenni is nauseous. Roger’s tattooed corpse looks fantastic…all muscular and dead. DE asks her what the last words will be and she can’t say anything. DC says he will let her leave if she holds his hand. Creepy.
Roger stars talking from the slab. Jenni grabs a gun and kills the zombie. Jenni says she does not want to know what it is like without him. Roger says he is disappointed in “us.”
Before the couples receive their evaluations, they chit chat. Gretchen talks through 18 layers of pancake makeup to blab that she finds Slade in the bathroom crying about his son Grayson but not to her. A little background: Slade has a kid who has rare brain cancer, or something truly awful. He pays no child support and many on the Real Housewives of OC would accuse him of funneling money that Gretchen paid to him under the table instead of complying with the court support order. So that is why many people hate Slade, among the myriad other reasons that exist. The viewers, for what it is worth, think (at 85%) that he is not being genuine. HA.
In another room, Jenni is complaining to Roger that she is beat tired. Roger is explaining that this is what she signed up for. Roger does not even want to be there but he is making more of an effort than Mrs. Woww.
We skip to the commercials and I go get a post-dinner beverage.
We return and it is time for evaluations:
Kevin and Traci are told that while the day started roughly, it ended well because they opened their hearts and started communicating.
Trista and Ryan get told that they do not enjoy the fullness of marriage. But DC says that they had a breakthrough and that they did a good job.
DE tells Tanisha and Clive that they did well. She wants to see more of that, and Clive just wants to see what is in front of him.
Roger and Jenni are up and are told that there is no pain and no gain, with working out and in relationships.
Gretchen and Slade are last and she is already being a crying mess. DC says that it seems both are scared to get into a marriage because there are negative things that can result from it (death, divorce, etc.). Gretchen sobs that she thinks she may love him more than he loves her. She loves herself WAY more, I am sure.
We end the episode with everyone comforting Gretchen. I go mix myself a pre-work Jack and Coke and call it a day.