RHONY Recap: Aviva & George = Low Ratings For Bravo

Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you! This week I threw a “London Calling” birthday party for my two year old. I only invited 2 of his besties but the amount of planning I put into it made Shannon Beador look like a slacker. Unfortunately, the party turned out to be more like a Sonya Morgan event since my relatives (who were supposed to help) were on RHOA time. All this personal information has absolutely nothing to do with RHONY. I am stalling because I can’t stand discussing Aviva and her piece of shit dad. From your comments last week, we are all on the same (web) page on these sentiments. I think we are all agreed that Cody is this season’s Walter. And that we have a desire to FF through every second of Aviva, Georgie Pordgie Rapey Pie and his “If you say I’m a gold digger, you’re a racist” girlfriend. And what used to be an enjoyable/escapist fun show is becoming almost unwatchable. The naive dreamer in me hopes that our posts will get the attention of some Bravo intern who is getting paid to troll the internet (and who is sleeping with Miss Andy) and Aviva will be 86’ed. The Eeyore pessimist in me thinks that Georgie and his gold digging/fame whore will be getting their own spin-off wedding show. The wildcard sadist in me hopes that TippietoeDiva sees this blog and tries to stir up shit like she has on other blogs. Can you imagine Aunt Dorsey, Distressed, Hot Cawfee, TN Gal, NotwithoutmyTV, Dri-ter (or any other beloved/smart/funny/witty Trashtalkers) exchanging words with Cody? It would be an unfair battle of wits (sort of like Brandi Glanville trying to take on Bobby Fischer Lisa Vanderpump) but I’d enjoy it immensely. A gal can dream can’t she? Aw crap, I better get my head out of the clouds and get to recapping. We open at the home of the Peppermint pig, yay! Countess Lu’s rental home in Saratoga.

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Wouldn’t it be amusing if Bravo told the truth in ALL their title cards regarding rentals vs. home ownership?

Sonja has just thrown her drunken tantrum and decides to go “straight to the Hamptons.”

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LuAnn’s Limo Driver.

Poor Sonja. Literally poor Sonja. Because after a minute of slurring at Countess Lu’s driver, she returns to the house with her tail between her legs. Millou would be so disappointed. #bitchesshouldknowbetter Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 12.54.56 PM Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 12.56.00 PM

The face of a man who doesn’t give a shit and/or a good poker player.

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The Language of Dog Tails: Chart.

Sonja’s sad realization that she no longer has the money for dramatic grand exits seems to lift the alcoholic fog enough for her to speak to the girls without screaming. Sonja says, “I really had a great time and when you guys won the money – It was like oh? The epitome.” Does she mean irony? Am I the one who is drunk? Who knows? Sonja cuts the cheese as she’s cutting a slice of cheese and all is forgotten because nothing clears the room (and one’s mind) faster than one of Sonja’s farts.

The gals go drinking and dancing in Saratoga. Unfortunately, for Sonja, no one has cut her off. Fortunately, for us, no one has cut Sonja off. Drunk Sonja is a wonder to behold. There’s some sloppy air guitar, dancing, attempted kisses of Countess Lu and a big finale that consists of flashing her va jay jay (which reminds me to schedule my annual gyno visit) while trying to kiss Lu. Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 2.33.30 PM

Lady Morgan and Her Lady Godiva.

The next scene: we are back in NYC with Ramona and her mini me, Avery. Ramona has hired a driving instructor to give lessons to Avery so she can become comfortable driving in the city. We learn that Avery is not used to driving a car that is not a BMW. She is just like us!!! We know this because she has trouble parallel parking without the warning “beep, beep, beeps.” Boo boo kitty face for Avery! I wish Ramona would hire someone to give them both diction lessons. THAT is something that Avery could use at college. Their odd Berkshire terror woods/NYC accent is just so nouveau riche trashy,non?

Next scene: Countess Lu is setting up a ladies who lunch fundraiser at a beautiful rooftop restaurant. It has something to do with Cancer (I whisper-typed that).Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 2.55.33 PM

“Gallow Green” Foreshadowing for this scene or for the cancer patients that Countess Lu doesn’t raise money for? 

The Countess is putting on a fashion show and the women are going to bid on the dresses worn by the models. Why can’t these women do a silent auction like everyone else (emphasis on the silent)? Lu lets us know that she even has a “surprise guest” as a model.

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“Eyes Wide Shut.” Botox’s new advertising campaign. PS. Y’all know who this is, right? Right?!?

Aviva enters the party wearing her dignified socialite/ Jackie O wannabe costume and almost immediately starts shit.

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Acting happy and dignified.

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Acting Shocked!

Aviva tells some story about her dad and instantly STOPS when she sees a former Miss USA (Nana Meriweather) at the party. Apparently, Aviva’s dad bragged that he had a three way with Nana and Cody. This isn’t a desperate attempt at a shocking storyline at all! Yawn.

The fashion show begins and Aviva ask Heather if she could send her a text. Aviva, then tells Heather to “have a look.”  Meanwhile, Countess Lu’s co-host/Cancer survivor starts her speech about her battle with Cancer. AS SOON AS THIS SPEECH STARTS, Aviva urgently asks Heather “Did you read my text?” Heather laughs and asks Aviva if she wants her to show it to Ramona. Aviva replies “yeah, show her.” The gals are laughing at the absurdity of this rumor while the co-host speaks of the horrors of cancer.Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 3.54.09 PMHow do I raise money to stop the spread of Aviva?

The last model (“surprise guest”) takes the runway and Aviva shouts to Lu that she wants the long dress that the model is wearing. In a brilliant move, Carole, starts bidding on the dress to raise money for the charity. Aviva is thrilled by the bidding war and spends $550 on a summer maxi dress that you would spend 30 dollars on at a Ross Dress For Less. Hahahahahah.

The Mystery guest is unmasked. Drum roll……………….

Ms. Scary Island herself!

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Kelly “Satchels of Gold” Bensimon. Never forget.

I guess my addiction to all things Bravo is really bad because I knew who the “surprise guest” was by the stacked gold bands and Madonna-like, veiny arms. PLEASE tell me someone else knew who this was. Pretty please? Fine, just lie to me. I’m going to gamble and say that at least five of you guessed this correctly too.

Luckily, Kelly seems much better than when she was on the show. Kelly, you’ll have to give your therapist’s number to a few of the ladies before the season is out. Kelly sits next to Carole and they talk about the Hamptons. Kelly is (also!) writing a book that is a “historic but also anecdotal” look at the Hampton’s. I can’t wait until it is published so I can teach my son about book burnings.

Aviva tells the ladies that she made her dad “swear on my other leg and my kids” that he wasn’t making this story up. Is Aviva having her dad swear on her remaining leg or the hollow, plastic leg? I’m confused. Aviva says “my father is a lot of things but he’s not a liar and if he swears on my leg it’s gotta be true.

Time of death on my sanity: 16 minutes and 22 seconds into this episode. That’s tight folks, we have 30 more minutes to go with this train wreck of an episode.

As the Charity event is wrapping up, Ramona goes over to Miss USA’s table and  basically asks her if the threesome rumor is true. Ramona also tells “Nana” that rumors are being spread about her. I know this will be a shock to you but Miss USA says it’s all nonsense.

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Yikes. This woman is SO unattractive. It was nice of George to hit on her to make her feel desirable.

This is the second episode in a row that I think Ramona did the morally correct thing. George’s bed Hell is freezing over.

Just when I think I can’t take anymore of this creepy Aviva/George/threeway storyline, Pickles comes on the show to save the day! Yayayayay! Someone please interrupt MisRed’s “I wanna Marry Harry” recap to let her know. PICKLES IS BACK!

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Dear Miss Andy, “Perfectly Pickles” is a show I’d watch. Please make it happen. Love, Hepburn.

Kristen goes over to Sonja’s house to get a facial. The problem is Sonja still hasn’t come home from the night before. Ah, I remember those (very distant) days fondly. I’ve been in such a pissy mood over Aviva ruining this show for me that I don’t know if I can be objective: did Kristen have a slight attitude with Pickles when she was coming in the door? Bitch better not have thrown shade at my favorite intern!

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A lady with a very Japanese name (I’m going to call her “Suki Yakuza” since I’m getting punchy) is setting up equipment to give the gals their facials on Sonja’s balcony. She has a very heavy accent and all I can think of is… .

Ms. Swan

Ms. Swan from Mad TV. 

While Yakuza is butchering buttering the King’s English, Lady Morgan is doing the walk of shame or as she calls it,

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“A Victory Lap!”

Bwahahahaha. After getting Pickles up to speed on the previous night, Sonja goes out on her balcony to see Yakuza and Kristen. Yakuza is obviously very talented since she has kept Sonja looking so young for so many decades, but she breaks the cardinal rule of working in the service industry: don’t gossip about your clients in front of witnesses. And she breaks this rule on national TV. Yakuza tells the girls that Sonja has been seen around town with Countess Lu’s sloppy seconds – Mr. Sparrow dude from St. Barths. She then tells them that Countess Lu likes short French men because the Countess likes to be in “churge”

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Don’t we all like to be in Churge!

Sonja thinks Yakuza is saying in Church. SNL should just transcribe this scene and they’ll have their opener for next week. Yakuza then drops the bomb that Russ, Carole’s ex-boyfriend, slept with Sonja while they were still together. Sonja doesn’t deny this gossip, she clutches her “not-Millou” and grins like a cheshire cat.

Next scene: Countess Lu meets Carole in the park to discuss Aviva’s poor behavior at Lu’s Cancer (whispered) luncheon.  Carole pegs Aviva: “She talks about sexual stuff because she thinks it’s provocative and it makes her interesting. She is not interesting. She’s a thumping bore.”

Preach Carole! Kristen joins the gals and tells them what the facialist said about them. Kristen tells Lu, “she was seriously implying that you cheat on Jacques and like, that’s okay.”

Oh boy. Uhm, I guess Kristen didn’t watch Season 5 or she’s trying to get a rise out of Lu? Anyway, it’s super awk-ward. The laughter gets more strained and fake as Kristen yammers on, especially when Kristen tells Carole that Russ cheated on her with Sonja while they were dating.  I think it was sort of a douche move on Kristen’s part to tell them what this loose lipped Mad TV caricature said about them. Whatevs.

We go over to Aviva’s house (drats!) for an art party (?) she is throwing so she has another story line other than her creepy father.

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If The Bravo editors practiced some “truthiness” with their title cards.

I guess the other women don’t understand the purpose of this art party since all of them are dressed for different events. Kristen turns up first looking very HAWT in a sequined skirt number with 1940’s style hair and early 2000’s makeup. Ramona (and her gay husband) show up next looking like they belong in a 90’s gay bar.  Heather enters looking like she’s interning for a Tibetan monk and Lu looks like she’s going to hit the slots at an Indian casino. Sonja wears a backless dress with a lot of side boob and…..argh…This is wigging me out.  You will see all this craziness around the 35 minute mark. I could spend a whole recap on just these outfits alone. WHACKADOO!

Aviva tells us that she is FINALLY having a party without any drama. We then see Countess Lu asking to speak with Aviva for a second in the other room. I think Bravo should win some sort of award for “Comedy in Editing.” I’m going to suggest that to the Emmy’s board.

Countess Lu asks Aviva if she invited ex Miss USA to the event. Aviva swears that she didn’t invite her and then goes into crazy Aviva mode “IF YOU CALL ME A LIAR, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM.”

I personally don’t think that Aviva invited that woman to the party. I do, however, believe that either some Bravo producers or someone in Aviva’s camp invited her to the event. It was all too convenient.

Then Lu asks why Aviva would pass around such a disgusting text.  Aviva tries to throw Heather under the bus by saying Heather was the one passing the text around. Heather over hears this and says to Aviva, “after you said I could.”

I feel like I am retelling a junior high game of telephone.

I give Lu major props for not getting too thrown off by the same crazy tactics Aviva has used while arguing this entire season. Lu says Aviva should be disgusted by her father’s behavior. Aviva tells Lu she shouldn’t judge what people do sexually.  Aviva then goes for the jugular by pointing at the piece of art that Countess Lu’s daughter (Victoria) created and says, “your own daughter is making art about sex.”

I am amazed that Lu didn’t slap Aviva with her big Countess Lu-man hands. The thought of comparing George’s sex acts to a beautiful piece of art from an emerging artist crossed the line for me.

What is especially odd about this episode is that I was head over heels in LOVE with most of the artwork at Aviva’s tonight–especially the piece from Lu’s daughter.  Anyone else feel that the art was especially good? Maybe I’m just looking for things to be less cranky about? Hmm.

THANK BABY JEEBUS that the ladies will be going to Montana next week. I love vacation episodes! Sadly, we still have to see a little of Aviva. In the previews Aviva says that she’s sick of everyone calling her a liar and angrily throws some prescription bottles on Kristen’s lap. How is selling your own line and calming supplements working out for you Aviva? Oh, and I’m calling you a liar, Aviva. I guess we have a problem.

With some Philly Love,

Hepburn

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