RHOC Recap: Heather and the Blondslaught

Hellooooo, Trashtalkers! Sorry it’s taken me a minute to get this up, but damned if I wasn’t felled by plague this week. Flipit’s going to kill me, but at least I’ll get in one last cappy before I’m beheaded. This week is the epic week of Shannon’s Christmas party! We open at her house as she’s overseeing some landscaping company transforming her house into a plastic, McMansion-y Christmas Wonderland. I’m sorry, I just hate trees that look like decorators have done them. For someone who has as much Christmas stuff as Shannon, I feel like it should have looked a little more personal. What can I say? Christmas purist ovah hyah. Shannon, for her part, makes up for it being as adorable as can be, wackadoodling her way around the house sheepishly admitting she doesn’t know what her own budget is. Ha! She’s hired a caterer for this particular even due to the size of the guest list so she can spend time with her guests as opposed to berating her husband in the kitchen. Come to think of it, with the amount of money she has, she should really think about farming that out on a permanent basis.

Elsewhere, Tamra and Ryan head to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Lee, and guess what? Rayn’s all kinds of fucked up and about two seconds away from a coronary event. Tamra tears up and wails that he needs to stop injecting himself with crap in order to look better, and that he should be happy just the way he is. I mean, this’d be great if she hadn’t, IN THE SAME SEGMENT, talked about how men age better than women, and that she needs botox and whatnot to keep hot for her husband. Come. The fuck. ON.

Ryan does agree to stop with the back alley HGH for the time being, but I imagine by the time next season rolls around he’ll be having unprotected sex with tranny hookers because that kid can’t go too long without being simultaneously self-destructive and attention-seeking.

TAMRA RYAN FUCKED UP BOD “What? It’s my life and if I want to use it to fuck with my mom, I will.”

As for Heather, it’s another day in the life of a D-List star as we watch her appear on “Good Day LA” (horrible local morning show like the one Danny Tanner used to be on with Aunt Becky on “Full House”) to promote her guest star on “Hawaii 5-0.” It should give you some idea of the caliber of “Good Day LA” that they have people on to promote guest stars on forgettable shows. The big news here, though, is that after her appearance, Heather is asked to sub-in on further shows because one of the co-hosts is having a baby. This is kind of a lame piece of news, though, considering Heather says she’s already guest-hosted a couple of times, so clearly this is just the first time RHOC has seen fit to cover it.

At Tamra and Eddie’s, we rehash Ryan’s condition as the two cook dinner and drink wine.

CUTFITNESS WINE GLASSES THEY HAVE CUT FITNESS WINE GLASSES.

Tamra reiterates how worried she is for him, and Eddie, bored to tears, suggests that Ryan give up bodybuilding and just try to train and inspire other people. Yeah, easy for you to say, Eddie. You’re so muscly that everyone thinks you’re gay. You don’t know Ryan’s struggle! The funniest bit here, though, is a callback to the first segment, Tamra tries to look worried about Ryan, but she’s having a hard time because of all the BOTULISM IN HER FACE. Listen, I get that it’s not exactly the same, but it’s hilarious to hear Tamra Judge, of all people, talk about being happy with one’s image just the way it is.

At Shannon’s the night of the party has arrived and Shannon’s clearly feeling some nerves… She’s running around trying to make sure that ever last detail is perfect, and this behavior may look benign and cute, but I recognize it for what it is – carefully reigned in violent psychosis. If Shannon’s anything like my mother before a party, you do whatever the fuck she says or you get the fuck out of the way.

Heather and Terry are at home having some wine before heading over to Shannon’s, and they discuss Heather’s favorite topic – people talking about her. Apparently a bunch of people are watching the East Coast feed of “Hawaii 5-0,” and sending her messages of support. Yawn. Terry asks about Shannon, and Heather thinks the two women are in a good place after their talk the previous week, but I’m sure that’s an utter, utter misconception. Heather interviews that since Shannon came into the mix, Tamra, Vicki and Shannon have formed a little unit and started excluding Heather. Is it the case? Let’s head to the party and find out!

Everyone arrives at Shannon’s and heads outside for peppermint cocktails. One of those looks delicious. Two look like nausea. Unfortunately, since Tamra comes in wearing an outfit a prostitute would have worn to Studio 54, she’s cold, so she sits down with Shannon under a heater to warm up by stirring some shit. Shannon details her lunch with Heather and mentions that she thinks they’re in a good place, but she’s not sure. She very intelligently says that Heather’s an actress, so she’s not sure how much she can trust the authenticity of her words. Also, she’s really fake. You literally see the wheels turning in Tamra’s head as Shannon has just given her some magic words that’ll free Tamra from Heather’s condescending bullshit once and for all. See, Heather is very careful to keep her nose clean, so when Tamra tries to accuse her of actually doing something wrong, it’s really hard to find something concrete. But Heather can’t escape being an actress, and one day soon, it’ll be her undoing. Sorry if that was dramatic, I’ve been watching a lot of Malificent trailers.

HEATHER MALIFICENTMakes sense, no?

Danielle arrives (who cares?) along with Lizzie (in a tutu, how come?), and finally Vicki. Vicki and Lizzie have a nice exchange and Lizzie notes that she likes this side of Vicki. What, the nice side? I hate to say that you’ll be disappointed if you expect to see it very often.

At this point, everyone goes inside for food, but Heather pulls Eddie and Tamra aside to give them some good news. Apparently, now that’s she’s a more permanent fixture on “Good Day LA,” she can start bringing on some friends, and she wants to do a feature on Cut Fitness. Okay, I can’t stand Heather, but that is pretty cool of her. I have no doubt she’s doing it in part to re-cement their friendship, but still, I’d take it. But Tamra, not so much. Apparently Tamra’s under the impression that Heather should have done this a lot sooner, considering she’s been guesting on “Good Day LA” for a minute and had already promoted another gym. Instead of saying “thank you,” she brings up this slight from ages ago that Heather thought they’d already resolved. Heather claims at that point, she had zero creative control over the show and had no say in whom they brought on. Tamra brings up the fact that Terry texted her after the fact (why the fuck is Terry texting Tamra?), saying that he’d told Heather not to do it. Terry clarifies that while he knew his wife was not at fault, he did warn her that Tamra would still be hurt.

Tamra interviews that Heather’s never struggled, so she didn’t understand what a promotion like that would have done for Cut in the early days. Oh, shut the fuck up, Tamra. You honestly think more people watch “Good Day LA” than watch RHOC? Your gym has been promoted way more than it deserves, so calm the fuck down. Also, as annoying as Heather is? She was an out of work actress at one point – she’s fucking struggled. Probably more than you, Tamra, considering you were married to money for the bulk of your adult life. Terry points out that even if Tamra was hurt initially, isn’t Heather making up for it now? Yes. Yes, she is. Eddie finally puts the kebosh on the whole thing and says that it’s a great think they’re getting the promotion now, so let’s let it all be done. Eddie really doesn’t like the lady drama. I think he should have thought about that before he signed on for a free wedding and a jump-start to his new business.

EDDIE BACKUPStarting to see the downside, huh?

We head back to the party, and I’m pretty certain the only thing Lizzie has done this entire episode is adjust her boobs. Not that I mind, she’s probably having a better time than anyone else. Terry and Tamra are getting a little loud, so Heather snits that she and Vicki are leaving because of noise pollution. Terry rolls his eyes because he’s accepted his fate and continues acting like people want to hear what he has to say.

Heather pulls Vicki aside to talk about Oklahoma, and this is a brilliant strategic move, considering Shannon and Tamra are getting closer. Heather needs to lock down Vicki QUICK, because if there’s one person who can checkmate Tamra, it’s Vickie – and possibly Lizzie, but it’s too early to tell. Vicki reveals to Heather that while she may look like she’s holding it together over the whole Brianna thing (she doesn’t), she’s not (duh). She cries that she’ll just miss being able to go over to Brianna’s house on a moment’s notice and get coffee or work out. I’m sure Brianna’s going to miss the shit out of those ambushes. No wonder Mike doesn’t tell Vicki where he lives. However, Vicki reveals another thing that’s upsetting her, and it’s an insight into her feelings we haven’t gotten before – AND it gives her freak-outs some credibility for once. She says that if Donn and her hadn’t moved to Orange County away from their families, they probably wouldn’t have gotten divorced. The family support would have gotten them through it. She’s worried about that for Brianna (clearly, given that Ryan is CRAY) and she’s desperate for divorce not to happen to her daughter. Ugh, what is this icky feeling I’m having inside…? Sympathy for Vicki Gunvalson???? No… Look away, Trashtalkers. This is not a proud moment for me.

In any case, Heather tries to give Vicki advice, but Vicki’s not in the habit of listening to anyone who’ll try and take away her reason to be a drama queen, so she interviews that Heather’s advice is well-intentioned, but not really applicable. All HER children are asleep in their beds, safe and sound and accounted for. Well, possibly suffering from well-timed appendicitis, but that’s for later.

HEATHER TRICKS UP SLEEVE“Oh, I have many tricks up my sleeve.” 

Elsewhere, now that Heather’s out of the room, Tamra takes the opportunity to bulldoze Heather’s reputation. She details the entire Cut Fitness thing and then brings up a detail we didn’t get in the last conversation. Apparently Heather brought on all of her close friends (chef, trainer, “clothier”), so that proves she had some creative control when she claims she didn’t. Shannon, firmly up Tamra’s ass is all, “That’s BULLSHIT!” I don’t know, considering she’s doing it now, I think Tamra’s being a pouty, ungrateful bitch. Lizzie’s on my side of this wondering what the big fucking deal is considering that, again, Heather is now inviting Tamra on the show, and emailed her the last time explaining why it wasn’t possible.

Lizzie asks why Tamra doesn’t confront Heather about the other close friends getting brought on the show seemingly at Heather’s behest, but Tamra can’t do that – it’s all hearsay. To clarify, the fact that Heather’s friends were on “Good Day LA” is not in question, her involvement in their getting booked is in question. Since Tamra doesn’t have that confirmed, she can’t confront Heather about it, because, according to Shannon, if there’s no proof of wrongdoing, Heather will just deny, deny, deny, and the conversation won’t go anywhere. Maybe that’s why you shouldn’t indulge in idle gossip about your friends. Or not be friends with fakeass people. Either way.

Then Tamra, in a total bitch move, brings up something I’m reasonably sure didn’t happen. She says that after the hoedown, Shannon was an utter saint, calling Urgent Care, taking care of Sophia until Tamra got home, and in general being far more concerned than Heather. Heather didn’t call until the next day, and supposedly, when she found out that Sophia had spent the night at Shannon’s, she texted, “You need to pick a side.” I’m sorry, not Heather’s MO. It’s too obvious, and it’s too… much like Tamra. But the damage has been done, and whatever consideration Shannon would have given Heather in the future has now gone by the wayside. But! In an hilarious twist, per their conversation last week, Shannon needs to confront Heather about this whole thing immediately, and Tamra’s all –

TAMRA YOU'RE GONNA TELL HER“YOU’RE GONNA TELL HER WHAT I SAID?  WE DON’T DO THAT HERE.”

But, in the end, it’s Lizzie who breaks the piñata wide open when Heather and Vicki rejoin the party. She tells Heather that Shannon and Tamra have a bone to pick with her and they should all talk it out right now. Tamra looks like she’s going to punch Lizzie right smack in the tits for that one, and interviews as much. So now Heather’s pissed that she’s being ambushed at a party and talked about behind her back when supposedly she and Tamra had resolved that whole thing moments before. Then Shannon gets pissed because Heather, once more, comes across very condescendingly when she’s trying to defend herself. Then Tamra gets pissed because Heather, instead of apologizing and letting her win, doesn’t back down. Basically, the entire conversation about the “Good Day LA” thing is had once more, nothing is resolved, but Heather leaves the party telling Tamra she doesn’t like her. How does Heather leave the party? By faking a phone call from her kid. Vicki, sitting next to her, and totally enjoying the fact that the drama doesn’t involve her for once, sees the entire thing and notices that Heather’s phone doesn’t light up with a received call. Ha! I can’t stand the fact that I’m loving Gunvalson this episode, but I am.

VICKI OGThis is the kind of OG I can get behind.

Vicki also scores points with me by pointing out that Tamra’s being pretty ridiculous in complaining about NOT getting a present that she wasn’t owed. Um, yeah. I agree? So weird!!

So, yeah, everyone has their awkward goodbyes and Shannon says to Tamra that she’s so proud of Tamra for sticking to her guns. Shannon interviews that Tamra’s a smart, successful woman that doesn’t deserved to patronized by Heather. Aw, Shannon, you just don’t know Tamra that well. As for Heather, she sits in the limo ride home, looking more and more like Whistler’s Mother than ever, and blames Terry for texting Tamra in the first place and making matters worse. Terry gives up on his marriage just a little bit more, and we close the episode there.

What’d you think, Y’all? I can’t believe I was kind of on Vicki and Heather’s side with this one! I feel dirty. I’m going to go take a shower – see you next week for a much more timely recap!