Hellooooo, Trashtalkers! Sorry it’s taken me a minute to get this up, but damned if I wasn’t felled by plague this week. Flipit’s going to kill me, but at least I’ll get in one last cappy before I’m beheaded. This week is the epic week of Shannon’s Christmas party! We open at her house as she’s overseeing some landscaping company transforming her house into a plastic, McMansion-y Christmas Wonderland. I’m sorry, I just hate trees that look like decorators have done them. For someone who has as much Christmas stuff as Shannon, I feel like it should have looked a little more personal. What can I say? Christmas purist ovah hyah. Shannon, for her part, makes up for it being as adorable as can be, wackadoodling her way around the house sheepishly admitting she doesn’t know what her own budget is. Ha! She’s hired a caterer for this particular even due to the size of the guest list so she can spend time with her guests as opposed to berating her husband in the kitchen. Come to think of it, with the amount of money she has, she should really think about farming that out on a permanent basis.
Elsewhere, Tamra and Ryan head to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Lee, and guess what? Rayn’s all kinds of fucked up and about two seconds away from a coronary event. Tamra tears up and wails that he needs to stop injecting himself with crap in order to look better, and that he should be happy just the way he is. I mean, this’d be great if she hadn’t, IN THE SAME SEGMENT, talked about how men age better than women, and that she needs botox and whatnot to keep hot for her husband. Come. The fuck. ON.
Ryan does agree to stop with the back alley HGH for the time being, but I imagine by the time next season rolls around he’ll be having unprotected sex with tranny hookers because that kid can’t go too long without being simultaneously self-destructive and attention-seeking.
As for Heather, it’s another day in the life of a D-List star as we watch her appear on “Good Day LA” (horrible local morning show like the one Danny Tanner used to be on with Aunt Becky on “Full House”) to promote her guest star on “Hawaii 5-0.” It should give you some idea of the caliber of “Good Day LA” that they have people on to promote guest stars on forgettable shows. The big news here, though, is that after her appearance, Heather is asked to sub-in on further shows because one of the co-hosts is having a baby. This is kind of a lame piece of news, though, considering Heather says she’s already guest-hosted a couple of times, so clearly this is just the first time RHOC has seen fit to cover it.
At Tamra and Eddie’s, we rehash Ryan’s condition as the two cook dinner and drink wine.
Tamra reiterates how worried she is for him, and Eddie, bored to tears, suggests that Ryan give up bodybuilding and just try to train and inspire other people. Yeah, easy for you to say, Eddie. You’re so muscly that everyone thinks you’re gay. You don’t know Ryan’s struggle! The funniest bit here, though, is a callback to the first segment, Tamra tries to look worried about Ryan, but she’s having a hard time because of all the BOTULISM IN HER FACE. Listen, I get that it’s not exactly the same, but it’s hilarious to hear Tamra Judge, of all people, talk about being happy with one’s image just the way it is.
At Shannon’s the night of the party has arrived and Shannon’s clearly feeling some nerves… She’s running around trying to make sure that ever last detail is perfect, and this behavior may look benign and cute, but I recognize it for what it is – carefully reigned in violent psychosis. If Shannon’s anything like my mother before a party, you do whatever the fuck she says or you get the fuck out of the way.
Heather and Terry are at home having some wine before heading over to Shannon’s, and they discuss Heather’s favorite topic – people talking about her. Apparently a bunch of people are watching the East Coast feed of “Hawaii 5-0,” and sending her messages of support. Yawn. Terry asks about Shannon, and Heather thinks the two women are in a good place after their talk the previous week, but I’m sure that’s an utter, utter misconception. Heather interviews that since Shannon came into the mix, Tamra, Vicki and Shannon have formed a little unit and started excluding Heather. Is it the case? Let’s head to the party and find out!
Everyone arrives at Shannon’s and heads outside for peppermint cocktails. One of those looks delicious. Two look like nausea. Unfortunately, since Tamra comes in wearing an outfit a prostitute would have worn to Studio 54, she’s cold, so she sits down with Shannon under a heater to warm up by stirring some shit. Shannon details her lunch with Heather and mentions that she thinks they’re in a good place, but she’s not sure. She very intelligently says that Heather’s an actress, so she’s not sure how much she can trust the authenticity of her words. Also, she’s really fake. You literally see the wheels turning in Tamra’s head as Shannon has just given her some magic words that’ll free Tamra from Heather’s condescending bullshit once and for all. See, Heather is very careful to keep her nose clean, so when Tamra tries to accuse her of actually doing something wrong, it’s really hard to find something concrete. But Heather can’t escape being an actress, and one day soon, it’ll be her undoing. Sorry if that was dramatic, I’ve been watching a lot of Malificent trailers.