Ladies of London Recap: Two Babies?!?

Cheerio everyone! MissKitty here to recap the second episode of Ladies of London!

First off, I want to thank all of you who commented. Your comments were brilliant! I laughed at them (“I thought Caprice was dead”; Caroline’s greasy-looking hair, the great “clotted cream” debate). I do read them, but I can’t comment, because I would then give away my secret identity of my other alias aka, NOT MissKitty. I’m glad you all are watching this lorry-wreck with me.

Onward!

We open the show with an absolutely unheard-of event in England: RAIN. Juliet exclaims “Oh no! Rain!” Um. You DO live in England, right? Or as Caprice would say “royt?” She is flapping around her house, getting her daughter ready for school. Her daughter Georgina, who looks like she doesn’t particularly want to be on TV (SMART little girl!) has won a rainbow button for holding open the door for her “whole reception class”. Aw! Haha so cute. I think we should implement similar medals for grown-ups, don’t you? I’d love to, with great ceremony, deny one to the twatbag who let the elevator doors close the other day, with no semblance of pretending to be unable to find the correct button to press (which is what you do if you’re civilized). Juliet blathers on while her daughter already has assimilated the English expression of every living being within earshot of Juliet.

 

georginanotontv

“Can you please stop talking now, Mummy?”

Juliet says that American moms are much more “hands on” than British mothers, which probably true. But also probably true: their special snowflakes are usually also the ones who stand on restaurant booth benches and for no fathomable reason emit high pitched screams that would make my dog paw at her ears. True story: My family was traveling in England to visit family, and while on the train, a small child began fussing and caterwauling. “That’ll do. That’s enough now” the mother said bending low near his ear in a quiet, menacing way, while clutching the child’s arm. The child shut up. There was no entreaty, no time out warnings. It was very impressive. Hey, it’s no accident that our country has a whole show based around having to have British Nannies come and get our nation’s children to shut the fuck up and stop acting like upright ferrets.

 

jonanny

Thank you for saving our eardrums, one human and canine set at a time, Supernanny!

BTW: Georgina looks so cute in her little red coat!!
Heading on, we get a scene from:

bumpkin

Bumpkin

It actually looks like a charming cozy place. Well, until we see Marissa poking around, grilling the bartender, “How is the new menu? ARE people LIKING it?” trying her BEST to INFLECT how it will SOUND most BRITISH. The guy has the put upon look any help has whenever the idle spouse decides to take an interest in the business and flit around asking stupid questions. It MAY be best to not pester the guy while he’s working, Marissa. Instead, perhaps be more like Lisa Vanderpump, who sits down with her staff outside working hours to get just that kind of information. You tend to make more money when you let your staff actually do their jobs, dimwit.

 

marissaatrest

The dispenser has the unspoken idea

Marissa brags that when she was in New York she was opening up the hottest bars and nightclubs. Oh so maybe SHE can explain the sparkler on the bottle trend then. Naturally, then, because of her expertise, she wants to just pop in during the middle of service and give suggestions and orders. SMART! [NOT AT ALL!] Of course all the staff are compelled to kiss her ass, because she’s the “co-owner”. That’s probably the primary reason she went in to film there in the first place. She brags that with her background in “Luxury PR” (BWAH HAHAHA) she helped build her husband’s empire. She’s in mid-question about the “computers” when Juliet comes in and Marissa leaves the whole pretense of trying to look useful aside to go sit and take up a paying customer’s table.

marissarest2

“I make money by taking it away from the business!”

The ladies recount Polo in the Park, and Juliet says that they had “more fun than the Brits”; Marissa says that Americans almost always have more fun than the Brits. Really? Well, most of us find it more fun to watch Brits NOT having fun than you HAVING fun, since you’re a thumping bore (thanks Carole Radziwill!! LOVE YA!), but okay.

marissapaintdry

“So then, the paint DRIED!… Juliet?… Juliet?”

Juliet says the Brits need to “lighten up” because she’s flamboyant! and outspoken! “I yam who I yam!” and the favorite “Step aside [if you don’t like it]” All code for “I’m a massive cunt cake with no consideration for those around me, and if I irritate the fuck out of you, it’s your fault!”

julietmouth

“My mouth is incapable of ever closing!”

They ask if they are going to Serpentine, and they both are looking forward to it. Marissa calls it London’s prom, which is a really stupid analogy actually. It’s more like oh…opening night ANYWHERE within the exclusive social scene. It’s the opening of Serpentine Gallery’s newest exhibit, but really, it’s just an excuse to dress up, get your picture taken, and then bitch about the intrusive photographers some more. Plus there are cocktails and small plates. Know how I know that? BECAUSE THAT’S EVERY GODDAMN THING these people go to. They talk dresses and Marissa laments that her husband is running the bar so won’t be attending. We find out that Juliet isn’t so much invited—she’s working the party, as a “Fashion PR” person. She dressed some of the attendees. I guess this would also fall into the “I’m one of them” delusional category like when she partied next to Leonardo DiCaprio.

Our next scene are Noelle and Scottttttt (I’m rebelling) meeting up at the most frou-frou Rococo restaurant I’ve ever seen. It looks like the set of Delores Umbridge’s office at Hogwarts; I keep expecting to see a bunch of collector plates with meowing kittens on them all over the walls.

noellescottrest

This place would give me a migraine

Scottttt solicitously asks Noelle what she’d like to drink, and Noelle causes another Polaner All-Fruit moment by saying “Yes, let’s get a drink, because I want to hear all about court.” The editors show the waiter and then Scottttt looking at her like [record scratch] “BITCH NO YOU DIDN’T!”

scottcourt waiterrest

“Noelle just asked to pass the jelly again!!”

Scottt tells her that the latest is that his ex-wife seems to have run out of funds, so they need some kind of deferment or delay, anyway, zzzzz, something that is similar to the “crushing defeat” of last year where they couldn’t get married yet. Noelle brags that since he met her he’s wanted to marry her. And everyone watching is like “WE CAN SEE WHY”::dead silence:: I just can’t figure out what the biggest part of the attraction was: Was it the shallow, naked ambition? The steely overly-made up cold stare? The narcissism? And boy, someone dragging out an expensive temper tantrum he’s having with his ex-wife is certainly someone I’D love to marry too, wouldn’t you all?? At some point, having a ton of money just isn’t worth it to me, which is probably why I’m relatively un-affluent but still a halfway decent human being. These two just gross me out. Noelle says she’s looking for “flats” and Scottt suggests she look for a larger one that the two of them can share. Then Noelle says the phrase that makes my recapper eyes blink to the sound of jingling with dollar signs replacing my pupils when she says (devoid of any irony) “Like you’ve always said; we’re a pretty fabulous couple.” so she is contemplating that it may be okay to live together despite his divorce not being final yet. BAD MOVE. But GOOD MOVE for us. Also-who the eff says that? Hahahahaha. I love watching people who believe their own myths. It makes it that much more enjoyable when they inevitably crumble in a heap of failure.
I rethink my stance on being a decent person when I see Caprice’s house. GOD that’s gorgeous.

 

capricehouse

Bitch.

Caprice herself is sitting on her couch massaging her baby growth (I hate calling it a “baby bump”), giving her boyfriend Ty the side eye when he compliments the fetus for putting its arms up in the ultrasound like it’s avoiding photographers.

capricebelly

“You DO know photographers PAID for all this shit, right?”

I’m too busy marveling that people still wear Juicy Couture.

Caprice offers Ty to listen to the heartbeat, after putting on some ultrasound goo.

capricebelly2

CAN WE PLEASE STOP THIS TREND OF SHOWING EVERY DETAIL OF BABY CRAP?

If we’re not allowed to see the fun stuff, aka, the stuff leading up to making it, then I don’t want to know the rest. And please just show the man during that. Thanks. Somehow I think Bravo’s demographic would be okay with that. Anyhow, Ty lies says he can hear it. He’s probably really just hearing HER heartbeat hahaha. MissKitty shivers and gags as Caprice puts Ty’s hand on her belly to “feel it kicking”. Caprice then makes MissKitty’s day by revealing that she went the surrogate route just before she became pregnant herself, so instead of one baby, she’s having TWO! Oh GOODY! Double the baby! She interviews that surrogacy is much harder in Britain, because they have way too much power, whereas in the States, they are not allowed to renege and keep the baby. So she’s getting ready to Skype with HER mom in the States so that she can see the Modern Art sonogram of the other baby there.
Her mom is there with the surrogate and we’re treated to that baby’s sonogram.

capricebellysurr

Aww! Yes, I definitely see a baby, and NOT a zoom in of a wad of chewed up bubble gum!! ::crickets::

Ty says it looks like a plate of spaghetti. Haha. They move it around a bit until finally what looks like a sloth yawns. Caprice squeals and yearns, and asks “Does he have full lips, like us?” And her mother says “No, dum dum, he hasn’t gotten any Restylane yet!”
Onto Carolyn’s house in Surrey. It really is a stunning house. We see her indoor pool. Apparently the same designer who seems to love aspirational sayings done in tacky 80s neon worked on her pool as on her office.

carolinepool

“Be Nice(r)”?

We see her closet and dining room. A less masculine less Uncle-Leo-esque version of her posing with her kids. Then we open to the “completely normal” scene of her husband fixing pancakes for the family. UGH. Can we not watch kids eat? That’s another one of my pet peeves. Unless they have learned to keep their pancake hole closed while chewing, I don’t want to watch. Over the din, she asks her maid for a cup of tea. Caroline demonstrates that she genuinely seems to want to be a conspicuous consumption American tackpot, as one of her twins plays with a loud buzzing toy during breakfast while she complains that it’s like a “zoo” in there. Well, here’s a really radical idea—tell him to sit down and eat quietly. See? Wasn’t that easy? That toy would have been hurled against a wall and smashed long before that step if I was the mom.

Caroline then ADORABLY (gritted teeth) tells us the anecdote of how when she found out she was having twins she rushed home to tell the housekeeper “congratulations, you’re having twins.” Oh ho ho ho. How WITTY. If I were that housekeeper I would have smiled and then quit the very first day she came home with them.

carolineadorable

You’re really not as cute as you think you are

Caroline tells her husband about Polo in the Park and interviews that the Americans are much more fun than the reserved British. SEE? I knew she secretly wants to be like a Kardashian. Her husband is leaving for a business trip. Then while she complains about her tight schedule on the day of the Serpentine and what a nightmare it all will be, he earns my devotion as the coolest husband ever by smiling at her mockingly and telling her she has a tough life and that her “diamond shoes are too tight.” Hahaha. I love his attitude. And she does seem to appreciate being taken down a peg. It’s actually kind of a cute moment when she admits she would be unbearable without him. I like their rapport.

 Okay. I’m calling BULLSHIT on this episode, because we’re back at Caprice’s house (she’s harassing her housekeeper about finding pitchers while being followed by a pair of Chihuahuas. I like long-coat Chihuahuas, but just once, I’d love to see one of these women with a dog that weighs more than a shoe), and we have YET to see any scenes with Annabelle! Caprice then goes upstairs to Skype again with her mom, who looks like a completely different woman from the first Skype session, and… MORE BABY drama. Caprice tells mom (who seems like a hoot and way more fun than Caprice!) about her decision to break the surrogate story in the Sun, to kind of beat the tabloids to the punch about Baby one and Baby two. ZZzzz I’d even take Marissa right now over this garbage.

capricemombored

Even Caprice’s mom looks like she’s completely distracted

We finally get a scene with Annabelle and WHAT THE HELL? No, it’s Noelle and Scotttttt going “flat hunting”. Noelle looks like Cone-Bra era Madonna. They meet with a very winded and unpolished-looking real estate agent, which I love. I love seeing normal-looking people on TV once in a while, with a messy ponytail and weighing over 93 pounds. The flat is tiny, but they show the rent as $6700 a month. DAYUM. Really? For that? Wow. I think this guy would have something to say about that:

rent1

$6,700?

rent

“Vote for me!”

Noelle says the place smells like grandma “and not in a good way”, and that she’s obviously not a gold digger if she’s looking at places like this. Which, yeah, it’s not that nice, but I’d really hate to see what a $4000/month place looked like!!

rat

“S’up. This here is your hot plate. And here’s your bed. I like to chew on your face while you’re sleeping, just fyi…”

Noelle then breaks Scotttt’s balls by his inability to get tickets to the Serpentine party. He starts meekly arguing with her, but I’m too distracted by his tool-y sweater tied around his neck to focus. Also—I TOTALLY agree with my commenter who said that he probably broke his finger trying to wear skinny jeans SHE made him wear. Hahahaha! Apparently Scotttt couldn’t get tickets to the party, and Noelle is not happy. Is she ever happy?

scotsweater

Also, please shave your GODDAMN chins. Thanks!

Noelle calls Marissa to passively-aggressively find out if she can somehow get tickets to the Serpentine. Marissa vows to try and help out.
Next we get a scene with Annabelle. PSYCH. NOPE. It’s Caroline’s pretentious website offices, where she is getting a pedicure. We’re treated to more fake business as she acts like Anna Wintour in her own mind during a staff meeting. Is there anything more insufferable than her getting a pedicure during her staff meeting? I’m kind of loving her skitty-skatty assistant Ophelia, who could really use I think a nap, and then some serious hair product.

 

ophelia

“We WEREN’T schoolmates in boarding school. I DO SO do real work here!”

Caroline pretends to be mortified by being in the paper, and then we get to the real storyline of the episode where she sees Caprice’s cover announcing her two babies. Caroline snots that she’s a bit surprised to see it in the paper, which I’m thinking is more annoyance that Caprice stole her PR thunder. Juliet calls Marissa to yell “Oh my gosh!” about the news, as if neither of them knew already. What cracks me up is that the British press is STILL writing stories about Michael Jackson, e.g., “Jacko”. That’s some lazy-ass tabloid journalism right there. Good God. Juliet, Marissa, and Caroline are all scandalized that Caprice “went to the press”. Oh please. If “the press” is still reporting on mothereffing Michael Jackson, I hardly think it’s that astonishing.

We segue next to Annabelle’s house!

 

annabellehouse

Fucking finally.

Annabelle is calling Caprice to ask her about the cover story, while kicking up her feet and lounging against a pug pillow.

 

annabellepug

Pug pillow!!

Annabelle admits she has been in the press due to her wild antics but hasn’t gone specifically to the press to provide them a story. Meh, I’m not really seeing what the big deal is honestly. I think it’s pretty smart of Caprice to get the story out, and move on. She is shown next with her dogs going to the Sun offices. The lady at the Sun shows Caprice all the coverage her story got, including knocking The Duchess of Cambridge herself off the cover of the Daily Mail. Caprice is gloating over this “accomplishment”.

capricekate

Party of Delusion? Party of Delusion? Your table for one is ready.
“Here I am!”

The next day is the day of the Serpentine party, and Noelle is going to get ready at a beauty salon in a show of “wishful invite”. I keep hoping that she’ll try to sneak in with Scotttt like Michaele and Tariq Salahi did to the White House. They’re about the same level of revolting.

At Caroline’s, we’re subjected to another tedious makeup session.

boreddog

Even he’s all, “THIS EPISODE HAS BORED ME TO COMA”

Then we get to see Caroline’s lines from the commercials, “Sometimes I wake up and pinch myself like ‘is this really my life?’… and it is!” She says this with a surprised glee that is vastly annoying. I can’t STAND IT when people who happened to slide out of the right vagina go on about their good fortune, like they had anything to do with it. You were born into a wealthy family and stayed alive. Congratulations. That was quite an accomplishment.

carolineadorable

You wake up and want to pinch yourself? What a coincidence! Sometimes WE wake up and want to pinch you too! With electrified tongs!

Caroline says that of course Caprice will be there, and that “she’s a walking advertise-ment for herself.” Hahahahaha! The self doesn’t fall anywhere near the awareness does it for this one?

Caprice is similarly getting made up across town. Her assistant is cautioning her about maybe doing too much, but Caprice is too caught up trying to publicize her business and “her brand” to worry. Also?

capriceaged

HOW OLD IS THIS BITCH??

Marissa is getting ready, as last week, sans makeup artist, and I’m kind of digging the old school 60s Grecian Goddess look she’s going with. Her hair looks like it could crunch off like a heel of crusty bread, but I sort of like it. What about you guys?

marissagreek

Pretty? Or not? I vote pretty

Noelle meets Scottttt at the salon. She asks if he’d like to have a trim or eyebrow thread and he declines, telling her that he was unsuccessful in getting the tickets. She is, say it with me, not happy with him. They’re “at capacity”, which is I think the polite way of saying “don’t call us; we’ll call you.”
The ladies all meet at a restaurant for pre-Serpentine drinks and “nibbles” (eye roll). Marissa informs Noelle and Scotttt that she couldn’t get tickets. Caroline arrives in an oddly-fitting dress. It poofs out at the bottom and doesn’t seem tailored to her torso, but girlfriend has got some great stems.

 

carolinedress

You look like a sparkly tomatillo, but you do have great gams

Noelle bitches to Caroline that the tickets didn’t come through while Scottt looks at Caroline like he wants to chew on her arm. Caroline waits a beat and then proclaims that it’s their lucky day. It’s funny and pathetic seeing how desperate they look over the news of having a spare pity ticket:

carolinespare

“I see a bright light! I DO BELONG!”

Too bad. Noelle grabs it and Scottt loses. Ha ha.
Juliet shows up and then Caprice, wearing an…interesting dress covered in metallic green cockroaches. Caroline snarks that pregnant women should not be allowed to choose their own clothes. She does have a point, but then again, I think she’s just pissed off that she’s going to be second string as far as press coverage. HA! GOOD. I’m no fan of Caprice, but anything that jams up the smug train that is Caroline is good by me.
Then Annabelle shows up looking FIERCE in an orange belted strapless gown.

annabellestrapless

Rendering her castmates invisible in 3…2…1…

Annabelle also does the unheard-of move of humbly admitting that her racehorse training isn’t going well at all, and that she may have over-estimated her skills. She jokes that maybe she should ride a little donkey instead hahaha. Caroline is busy pouting in the corner over Caprice stealing the limelight with her surrogate story, and the ladies are off to Serpentine!

They show a myriad of British celebrities on the sidewalk, including Mick Jagger’s daughter, Ewan McGregor, and Kate Moss (who still looks FAB by the way). Annabelle is on the arm of a very tall very gaunt guy she doesn’t introduce, so I’m not sure who it is. Naomi Campbell is next (DUCK! Haha that will never get old), and then we see Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick looking typically unhappy; they always looked like they were on the verge of divorce anyway, so I wasn’t surprised to hear about it, were you?

sjpmb

“We’re-so-in-love-still-can’t-you-tell?”

Caroline interviews that Caprice’s whole career is dependent on the press and that standing around posing isn’t her thing (yeah, RIGHHHHT) and she finds the whole thing mortifying. Yeah, I can tell when you picked a dress cut out and cut up to your vagina that you were looking to avoid getting “papped”. Noelle is thrilled that she’s walking “the red carpet” even though there’s no carpet and the sidewalk isn’t red.

Next week, we see Marissa having a fourth of July party, Juliet singing off key loudly in Daisy Dukes, and Annabelle taking her down a notch.
So what did you think this week, guys? Kind of a dull one, yeah? (I’m going to start incorporating that Britishism into my recaps).

Ta until next week!

Love,

MK
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