This episode kicks right off with everyone looking at Sansa sprawled out on the street after being Regina George’d by that bus. The bus driver tells the police officer on the scene that she just ran out of nowhere, and was chasing a little girl. He points to Yasmin, Sansa’s niece, and the cop asks who she is, and if that’s her mum laying unconscious in the road. She tells him that the unconscious lady in the road killed her mum…
Back with Jack, what’s left of MI-5 are rounding up what’s left of Rask’s men. Jack is just roaming free, and sees his Serbian buddy getting lined up with the rest of the bad guys. Jack walks over and cuts him loose, and the MI-5 guy tells him he can’t just free his buddy. He says he’s given Jack leeway because of what he did for some of the MI-5 guys, but he can’t just go cutting people loose. There are protocols, after all. Jack tells him he can stuff his protocols right up his bum, because he’s pissed at MI-5 for ruining his operation. MI-5 tells him he had his orders, and he followed them, and Jack asks “from who?”
He tells Jack that Mr PM is the “whom” there, and that Mr P can take it up with him. Jack tells his Serbian buddy that he’ll call him later, and then calls Chloeeyore to see what’s up. Chloe tells him she was able to to locate the phone, and pulled up CCTV cameras in the area, and that it looks like Sansa got hit by a bus. Just then, a message pops up on her laptop telling her to GTFO. She looks out the window and sees Five-0 closing in. She hangs up on Jack and bails.
Jack and Sarah get into a car and head over to the hospital that Chloe guessed Sansa was being taken to.
Chief of Staves gives Mr P a piece of paper, which he tells him is Lady Cat’s contact info, but unfortunately it’s just her eHarmony profile, so they have to upgrade a premium membership to contact her, and even still the call won’t be traceable.
Jack calls and tells Mr P all about Sansa, and tells him to lock down that area of the hospital and make sure Jack has whatever access he needs. He then tells Mr P about Mr PM’s, how should we call it…
Mr P apologizes for telling Mr PM, but that he had to. Conveniently, Mr PM arrives just then, so Mr P hangs up. They get into a shouting match, and Mr PM says that under normal circumstances he’d trust Mr P to the ends of the earth, but he’s heard things…Mr P says that if he had any concern that his health would jeopardize anyone’s life, he’d resign immediately.That’s good enough for Mr PM…kind of. Mr P gives him the old guilt trip heave-ho, and Mr PM promises that THIS time they’ll give Jack anything he needs.
In the ambulance, the paramedics are noting all of Sansa’s injuries, and note her missing pinky finger tip. Just then, Sansa’s phone rings, and the paramedic answers it. That seems weird. He proceeds to describe Sansa to the caller. That’s weirder. I mean, either the person knows her, hence the phone call (and the caller ID probably says “Mom”), or they don’t know her, and telling them about the accident is wildly pointless.
The paramedic tells Lady Cat that she should come to the hospital, because the police will probably want to talk to her…she hangs up. Sansa’s emo brother asks if she’s going to talk, and if she took care of Navi’s sister and her daughter. Lady Cat asks who they have in the area to go to the hospital and…clean things up…
CTU CIA headquarters, Orlando Bloom is very obviously running the Phoenix retrieval software to uncover the missing sectors and removed partitions and leaky sprockets…AT HIS DESK IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. There’s a reason you aren’t in the field, bro. You’ve got some good sneakiness…
Seriously, look where his desk is. Some random guy stops by and is like “dude, are you looking at porn?!?” OB is all like “N-No!!! YOU’RE looking at porn!!”
He asks OB for his access key so he can get some files, which KIND OF sounds like it maybe would violate security protocols at fucking McDonald’s. That’s the kind of question that would probably get you fired from the CIA, and then thrown in jail.
That was a very awkward exchange. I’m pretty sure that guy is about to tattle on OB for running the Phoenix thing. Just then, Navarro’s phone rings. The number is “Unknown,” so Navarro puts the scrambler on his phone. Mr Scrambly-Voice tells him that OB is running his program, and that he needs to take care of it before they find out that he’s the one selling secrets to China. Navarro asks for a cleaner, and Scrambly turns around and tells him that he was paid well enough, so it’s his mess to clean up. Oh, right, and when he turns around, we see it’s Frosty!
I somehow did not see this coming. I’m not sure how, since his entire thing was making top-secret info available to people who shouldn’t have it…
Frosty’s right. I should have. I didn’t…
Jack and Walker arrive at the hospital and talk to the lady in charge. She tells him that Yasmin is in shock and isn’t saying much, and Sansa is still out cold. Walker says she’ll go talk to the kid, and Jack knocks on the door to get the doc’s attention. Jack tells him to get her awake, and stable, and forget about the brain scan for the time being.
Meanwhile, this OBVIOUS bad guy walks right into the hospital, enters a linen room, and puts on scrubs.
Agent Walker…being the woman…is clearly the one who’s good with kids. Way to be progressive, Fox. She stops at the vending machine and buys a ginger beer, and gives it to Yasmin. WTF, ginger beer is what you go with? It’s a child. I KNOW they have Coca-Cola in London…
She asks Yasmin if she can show her the world….shining, shimmering, spleeeee-eeendid.
It’s pretty bad that I didn’t even have to look up the lyrics, isn’t it?
Anyway, Yasmin tells her that she’s NOT a street rat, and that her Aunt Sansa killed her mum, and that Sansa told her mom that she was trying to protect them from her mom. Unfortunately, Yasmin never met the wicked stepmother (great aunt, whatever)…and then tells Walker that she hopes Sansa dies.
For some strange reason, in the not-locked-down part of the hospital, Walker calls Jack to give a status report. Jack is still waiting on Sansa to wake up, so Walker tells all about the conversation with Yasmin, which the obvious bad guy overhears. C’mon, Walker…you couldn’t wait 2 minutes til you got back to Jack?
Obvious Bad Guy calls Lady Cat and tells her that Sansa will probably crack like a soft nut the second Jack asks her anything…
Lady Cat tells her to find out where she is in the hospital, and they’ll take care of the rest. She tells Sansa’s emo brother to have everyone start packing up. He turns to one guy and tells him to start loading. GOOD JOB, MAN! You’re really killing it…
He very, very briefly tells his mom she doesn’t have to do this. She says that Sansa has betrayed her once (when was that? who knows?!?), and she won’t allow it to happen again.
Back at the CIA base, Navarro calls Orlando Bloom into his office. He tells him that there’s a dead drop in Camden that he needs OB to retrieve something from. OB can’t believe he’s being sent into the field. OB, picking up a package is not “in the field.” I pick up packages all the time…never from any “field.” OB, the data analyst, has apparently always had dreams of being a “field” agent, and thanks Navarro for the opportunity.
Maybe I’m nuts, and any CIA agents who are reading this, feel free to correct me…but, I’m guessing you don’t end up as an analyst for the CIA because you wanted to be a field agent but didn’t cut it…
To make things less suspicious, Navarro tells him it’s important that this stay between the two of them…in their little trust tree.
Seriously, if his brain wasn’t still firmly lodged in Walker’s vagina, there’s no way he wouldn’t notice how obviously shady this is….
Navarro tells him the address of the pickup, and OB thanks him for his trust.
Mr P comes into the room as Audrey and CoS are watching Mr PM’s press conference regarding the imminent terrorist threat. He tells CoS to set up a meeting with the VP to transition things away from Mr P, because he clearly feels he needs to step down. Which probably means he’s about to sacrifice himself to Lady Cat.
Back at the hospital, Sansa wakes up. Jack tries to question her, which is a pretty terrible idea since she knows who he is…but whatever. She says she won’t talk, so Jack squeezes her lobotomized pinky.
Jack squeezes her pinky so hard she passes out. No, that’s not code for anything. Walker leaves the room, disgusted. Jack follows her out and apologizes. Jack asks if maybe Yasmin could convince Sansa to talk. Walker can’t even believe he’s suggesting that…but their conversation is interrupted because Jack spots the Obvious Bad Guy standing around in the secure wing of the hospital texting someone. He asks the head security lady what that guy is doing there. In a moment of brilliance, she just asks him what he’s doing, and he pulls a gun and tries to shoot her. Jack saves the day, as he is wont to do.
Jack and Walker chase him through the hospital. They almost lose him a couple times, but pick up his trail again…he sprints around a corner, and two British police see him and shoot him in the chest.
Seriously, where has the Jack Bauer “DAMMIT!!!” been all season. There’ve been maybe one or two, but people used to make drinking games that revolved around that!
He looks at the phone and sees that Lady Cat told the OBG that he had 8 minutes to GTFO. Jack tells everyone they have to evacuate asap.
Jack runs upstairs to get Sansa, and Walker splits off to obviously pick up Yasmin.
Chloeeyore heads into a bar and pulls out her not at all conspicuous laptop.
Jack tells the doc to GTFO, and grabs Sansa and tells her her mom is trying to kill her with a drone. Sansa doesn’t believe her, so Jack puts her down and starts to walk off.
“Wait,” she cries…
Sansa knows she’s fucked without Jack, which is the opposite of what most women (or people, in general) want.
Walker runs through the evacuating hospital to find Yasmin. No one knows if she’s gone or not, but Walker finds her hiding. She grabs the kid and they flee.
Sansa’s emo brother tells Lady Cat that the hospital is in range, and starts the targeting sequence. IT’S A GIANT FUCKING HOSPITAL BUILDING!! This is like shooting a watermelon with a shotgun from 20 feet away. JUST SHOOT THE MISSILE!!!!
The drone locks on the building and blows up a good chunk of the wing Sansa was in.
Jack and Walker leave Yasmin with the head security lady. Sansa’s brother finds Jack and Sansa and Walker getting into a car. He gets a lock on the car…but it moves!!!
The drone is now down to 2 missiles. Jack tells them to hold on. They drive past the carnage, and Sansa starts feeling guilty. Emo Bro is still following them with the drone. Jack is trying to convince Sansa to tell them where her mom is, which is bad because he’s driving the wrong way down the road while looking into the back seat.
Jack Bauer, for all his bad-assery, may be the least responsible motherfucker alive.
During this whole chase scene all I could think is “what the fuck is this Chrysler with sport suspension and paddle shifters?!?” And then, immediately following it, they show a commercial for it. Sigh. I fell for it. I’m so ashamed….
Anyway, the emobro gets another lock, and takes another shot….
Seriously, my tax dollars are going towards THIS?!?
Emobro is down to one
life missile. He tells Lady Cat he needs to bring it down to 20,000 feet. It’ll take a few minutes, but he’s down to his last missle, so he’s gotta do it.
Just then Jack hits a traffic jam. The “DAMMIT!”s are flowing freely, now. Jack realizes he’s pinned in, so he steals the Land Rover next to him. But he doesn’t just point a gun and ask politely…
He literally knocks a dude out. Superpowers enabled!!!!This allows him to drive literally through shit. Emobro is acquiring the new target vehicle, which is a waste of time considering how terrible his aim is. Jack pulls into a tunnel and stops. He pulls a gun on the first car that comes in, and sends the person fleeing. Anyone not retarded would notice the dude fleeing the tunnel he just drove into, and think “maybe Jack is up to his old car-stealing tricks.” Thankfully, Emobro is NOT anyone-not-retarded.
Jack props a brick on the gas pedal of the Land Rover, and it drives out of the tunnel only about 2 minutes later than it otherwise would have. Emobro takes the shot, and despite the fact that he’s way closer than he’s been previously, the car looks WAY smaller on the targeting screen…but it’s a direct hit!!!
Lady Cat tells him to make another pass and look at the car…
How is the car even recognizable?!?!? It just was hit by a missile that destroyed a city block!
Chief of Staves finally meets with the Russian diplomat. Oh, no, he’s only heading that way.
OB heads to the dead drop, which is a small houseboat. He can’t find the “drop” part….
Who didn’t see that coming? Seriously, raise your hands so the rest of us can shame you….
Anway, he hits the water, and the hitman looks around for his body, but finds nothing. This guy apparently took the shot from fucking 20 feet away and shot him in the ARM? Contract killer with an accuracy of 31%. Good hire, Navarro. No wonder you’re going to die soon.
Ok, NOW CoS is meeting with the Russian. He tells CoS that he knows that he forged the signature, which is treason. The Russian asks him what would happen to his career…or his marriage…if he were found out.
Wait, wait, I’m sorry. Isn’t treason punishable by death? Like, at a federal, non-”my state doesn’t have the death penalty” level?
CoS tells the Russians to give him time, and once Bauer serves his purpose, everyone will get what they want.
Mr P calls Jack to check in. Jack tells him they’re running out of time. He tells Jack he needs to have a face-to-face.
CoS’s assistant (remember that guy?) comes in and brings Mr P his jacket, and Lady Cat’s contact info. Mr P thanks him, and says to tell no one, and excuses the assman.
OB climbs out of the river (which he’s lucky isn’t, say, the Chicago river, or that gunshot wound would be the least of his worries). Wait, you didn’t think he was gonna die, did you? C’mon, the tech guy always dies in the server room, everybody knows that…
Mr P calls Lady Cat, and they have a little verbal dance that basically ends with Mr P more or less saying he’ll turn himself over, or otherwise that’s what the writers want you to think.
Seriously, tell me Michelle Fairley isn’t the best villain this show has ever had. I wish she could be around for every season.