I Wanna Marry “Harry” Recap Horsesh*t. Literally.

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Let’s saddle up kids!

So, where are we in this tornado of spray tans and daisy dukes? Oh yeah, uh- Last week, Carley Einstein departed due to her sh*tty personality and horrible DJ-ing skills and Karina, who previously jammed a Euro Soccer Star- but truly loved him for him, was crowbar’d into the Crown Suite.

contestants beginning
This is where we are starting…


What slag will do you think Faux Prince Harry will bring into the woods this week?

We open with the ladies troweling on their make-up and plotting ways to get Not Harry to notice them. This week there will be a photo-shopped picture of Not Harry with the real Prince William.

I love your bangers in my mouth…

Karina is invited to Not Harry’s room…where he is lounging about in his robe. As they are eating breakfast… apparently Not Harry has the trots and he “pops” to the loo, leaving Karina alone in the room with the photo-shopped photo of himself and Prince William. Of course, Karina gets up to more closely inspect it.

The wonders of photoshop

We get a close-up on Karina, and oh, this poor girls has some bad acne, covered up with THICK make-up.


Honey, you need some Proactiv solution. They chat further, but Karina is distracted because now she KNOWS he is Prince Harry.

keep harry to herself
I have a secret for the next 26 seconds…

On her way back to the holding pen, Karina isn’t sure if she should tell the other girls about seeing the photograph. It might be better for her to keep it to herself.

wicked step sisters

So, of course, the first thing out of her mouth is yapping to the other girls about the picture.

really harry

The girls are all shocked that it’s REALLY Prince Harry. ??? Kelley is like- Duh, I already knew.

Wait, that was Karina’s whole date? She got ripped off, in MisRed’s opinion.

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You’ve really stepped in it now… 

The girls meet Kingsley at the stables…to visit Maggie. Some of the girls will be riding horses today, but the rest of the girls will be mucking out the stalls. The girls don’t really even know what “mucking” means. Don’t worry, my pretties, you will. In an interview, Not Harry says he needs a girl who doesn’t mind getting her hands dirty because after all he’s not really a Prince and he’s going to need someone to do work. Hahah. Just how dirty IS his flat? Is he looking for a girlfriend or a maid?

The girls selected to go horseback riding with the Non-Prince: Chelsea & Maggie.

Wait, is putting a horse on a horse cool? I don’t know the equine etiquette.
The rest of the girls will be getting into overalls and will be shoveling crap, and they are not happy about it.

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Fish out of water, much?

Not Harry says he chose Chelsea and Maggie because he doesn’t know them and isn’t sure he will have chemistry with them. The girls get dressed up in riding gear. Not Harry comes out on his horse in formal riding attire.

harry riding

The girls who are picking up actual horse sh*t as opposed to his verbal horse sh*t ooooh and ahhh …

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Wicked Step Sisters

and Not Harry leaves with Chelsea and the horses.

on horses

Not Harry is worried because Prince Harry is known for being quite a horseman and he doesn’t want to mess up. Ok, the girls have people WALKING their horses, so I doubt they would notice any misstep on his part. Chelsea asks Not Harry straight up if he’s ever dated a black girl? (The answer was no, btws)

Back at the barn the girls are shoveling TONS of sh*t, while Karina stands by watching- I guess that was part of being in the Crown Suite, she doesn’t have to shovel manure.

karina not working
Bless your hearts…

Kelley is really working and hauling poop and bales of hay as if she’s getting some kind of award.

kelley working
Yeah girl, Matt’s flat ain’t gonna muck out itself!

And she has poop on her boob.


The girls wonder if Maggie will stay sober enough to stay on a horse? Mean, but completely valid concern.

table bar
We’ll be dining on Cow Pies

Not Harry brings Chelsea and Maggie to a little table in a barn, presumably to meet Maggie’s parents.

when do your parents come out of their stalls?
So when will your parents come out of their stalls?

The ladies are offered cider or beer. I’ll give you two guesses what Maggie chooses and the first one doesn’t count.

that's rhetorical right?
I assume that’s rhetorical

Chelsea is like “Of course Maggie loves her beer.” And Maggie is NOT happy about it. Maggie doesn’t like the fact that Chelsea is point out that Maggie is a lush.

MUCH later, back at the house, Maggie is still pissed at Chelsea. Chelsea is like-if you don’t want him to know you’re a hot drunken mess then why are you hot drunken mess every night?

maggie chelsea fight

Maggie thinks Chelsea is trying to sabotage her. Chelsea tells Maggie to “pump her breaks” and they fight and Not Harry can hear from his room. They are yelling and cursing at each other. Good times.

wish I had popcorn for this
I wish I had popcorn for this.

The next day, Kingsley informs Karina that she will be spending the day with “Sir.” Oh, good, at least Karina is not getting the short end of the stick. A helicopter lands on the lawn and Karina… seemingly wearing only a shirt climbs aboard with Not Harry.

Sorry, left my pants at home…again

Anna Lisa says she doesn’t think he’s Prince Harry- she thinks the nose is not right. Kelley says he definitely IS Harry.

In the helicopter, Not Harry is nervous that he’s going to blow it. They take off and they fly over London. Not Harry points out all of the major landmarks, getting the bulk of them correct.

london aerial
Good thing Matt studied that map!

They land on a helipad and a car picks them up Karina thinks she could get very used to this lifestyle. Not harry is worried about exactly that issue. They take a boat trip and there are some planted Harry “fans” on one of the bridges, screaming “We love you Harry.”

harry fans
A bit of theatre on the Thames

Back at the house, Chelsea and Anna Lisa argue over the fact that they both keep interrupting the other. Of course interrupting each other as they are fighting about interrupting each other. Chelsea tells Anna Lisa to shut the f*ck up. The girls don’t like that Chelsea hasn’t made an effort to be their friends. Chelsea tells all of them to shut the f*ck up.

anna lisa chelsea fight
Shut the f*/  No YOU shut the/  Shut the f*/ No YOU/

It’s startling none of these girls are diplomats or hostage negotiators.

Back on the boat, Karina and Not Harry kiss and Karina thinks she could be his girlfriend.

You have pretty eyes

Not Harry is nervous about what he has gotten himself into. Good thing he didn’t jump into this without thinking.

Karina comes back and tells the girls that she and Harry made out. Maggie the Horse is pissed off, snorting and hoofing the ground, etc.

angry horse

Karina tells him about them about his fans on the bridge and that he is definitely Prince Harry. Maggie is totally convinced and mad that Karina is making out with the guy she likes.

The girls sit down to dinner, but Chelsea doesn’t join them because she’s angry and the cattiness is getting to her.

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Pathetic, Party of One?  Your table is ready. 

She just wants to keep to herself, plus she’s told everyone to shut the f*ck up, so thats making it difficult to make friends. Hmmm, weird. Meghan thinks Chelsea should put on her big girl pants and get over it. The other girls think that Not Harry will notice her weird behavior and will probably send her home. Right. He seems super observant of things other than their gigantic hooters.

Kingsley enters and invites Karina to join Not Harry in the master suite for drinks.

karina cocktails candles
Yes, I got them at my last Partylite party

She goes to his room, they have cocktails and sit on the bed together. Not Harry feels badly that he’s lying to her. I love how “Prince Harry” sits around in a room with lit candles. Seriously what dude lights candles without female or homosexual intervention?

In the dining room, the other girls are doing shots.

Under the wagon

They girls are jealous that Karina is making out with Not Harry. Kelley just wants to spend time with him and starts to cry. Maggie says that is his wiener is little she is out of there. Glad they are in interested in getting to know him for him.

The next morning, the girls wonder where Chelsea is? She is off alone and has requested time alone with Not Harry. When he has joined her she tells Not Harry that she’s tired of the cattiness and she can’t take it. She tells him the offending girls are always the ones who are right up in his face. Oh, so she means all of them. Chelsea tells him that she needs to pull herself out of this situation and that she is going to leave. Not Harry asks her to not do anything rash, but she insists. They hug and she leaves.

au revoir ricky bobby
Au revoir, Ricky Bobby

Not Harry feels badly that she is being bullied.

Chelsea goes in and tells the girls that she is leaving. She doesn’t want to stay in this situation. The girls are like… buh bye, don’t let the drawbridge hit you on the way out. She leaves by taxi. Eh, at least they don’t make her walk.

Kingsley herds the cattle and tells them that “Sir” would like all for them to spend time together in the main garden. There is a Badminton game set up and Kelley is, like, complete crazed. She is determined to show him that she’s the athletic one. So she’s diving and sliding for every shot and, from what I can tell, misses all of them.

Kelley the athlete

Not Harry thinks that she is sweet and down to earth.

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Not Harry takes Anna Lisa aside for a little chat. She wants to get to know him a little better, but she asks him about his fans that were on the bridge while he was on his date with Karina. He tries to say that it the girls must have seen the cameras on the boat, and they weren’t really screaming for him. She still doubts that he is Prince Harry, so she asks him what his day to day responsibilities are and he says he really can’t say… but mostly family related. She is, straight up, grilling him, like Andy Sipowicz.

Hmmm, related?
Hmmm, related?

Not Harry changes he subject asking what she is hoping to gain from this experience. Anna Lisa says it’s been a growth experience for her with all of these wonderful girls <ba ha ha ha ha- sorry MisRed is choking) And she works so hard it’s nice to stop and smell the roses. She works hard as Miss Los Angeles? Ok. Not Harry hopes he has convinced her that he is the real Harry. Clearly she has more of a clue than any of the other girls here.

They all get in the hot tub and decide to play “Truth or Dare” and Rose is dared to do a freaky chicken dance in front of Not Harry’s body guards. She does and everyone laughs.

hot tub
What can I even say about this?

Meghan is sitting across from Not harry and she tells us that he is “eye humping” her and they are having great eye-sex. Omg, this chick is too much.

The Eye Hump Illustrated
Eye Humping Illustrated

At dinner that evening the girls wonder if there will be elimination tonight, not since Chelsea went home. Kingsley comes in and announces that Sir has given much thought and care to his decision, and he would like to speak to Anna Lisa.

kingsley anna lisa

Kingsley leads her to the Library to speak to Not Harry.

Kingsley comes BACK in and tells the hags that Sir would like to speak to another young lady… the girls are all panicked because they figured there would only be a Crown Suite assignment. Sir wants to speak to: Kelley.

kingsley kelley

She is, like, horrified and is crying.

gas chamber

They girls all hug her like she is going to the gas chamber.

Harry talks to a Anna Lisa, who has exceptionally bad posture for a beauty queen.

I’m sorry, I’m looking for someone who sits up straight

And we see Kelley is weeping in the garden.

Kelley crying

As with every episode the scene shifts back and forth between the two conversations.

Not Harry tells Kelley he really liked her from the first day, he thinks she is quite bold and genuine but he has to make a tough decision. Not Harry tells Anna Lisa that he isn’t really sure they are compatible. He tells Anna Lisa to beat it.

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Presently beating it

Anna Lisa assumes he just doesn’t like beauty Queens. Yeah, that’s it. Not Harry says that he didn’t think she was genuine. Well, that and she wasn’t falling for his act.

Not Harry asks Kelley to go into the Crown Suite and she, literally, almost falls off her chair. She is thrilled.

kelley falling off chair

The girls all meet and they surmise that Kelley is going home but then she walks in.

kelley on shoulder
Most Valuable Hoochie!!!

They boost her up on their shoulders… they all seem genuinely happy for her.

i'm nellie now
I’m Nellie now, bitches!

She thinks she could be the perfect wife for him if he gives her a chance. Honey, slow down. I get the feeling that every guy Kelley meets is like, trapped in her web, and Not Harry is just her latest victim. Sad kind of. But a lot of girls approach potential relationships like that- and it really freaks guys out.

Next week Maggie thinks she could be a really fun princess. That’s what The British Monarchy is looking for: a few more drunks.


Ok, so we axed two this week. I think we are half way through this nonsense so he’s going to have do multiple cuts over the next few weeks.

contestant ending
This is where we are ending up

So I think we should REALLY be getting some good water works from here on out.

Thanks for joining me for this piece of award winning theatre. As always I love your comments.


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