Masterchef Recap: Now that’s just making me feel wrong in all the right ways

Heya Trashies!

Last week saw the attempt by the producers to turn a slightly demented young lady into a villain – but as we all know, its in the team challenges that the bad blood really starts to fester. Its been a few weeks and they must be starting to grate on each others nerves by now – it was in the team challenges that Ryan and Monti learned to hate each other, Suzi learned how to annoy everyone in range, and Juggernaut turned into an axe wielding maniac.

I’m not saying Evil-Courtney doesn’t exist, but I’m half-expecting she’ll retreat into being halfway pleasant as actual friction between the mini’s flares up.

That is assuming that things go wrong. In the opening sequence Gordy is yelling ‘That’s raw!’ as Francis B looks on miserably.

Its raw!

Standard reaction from Gordy here, at a level of ‘5 out of 10’

Just wait till he turns it up to 11.

I’m hoping the preview of the pressure test is footage of the mini’s from previous weeks, not this week, or well done Fox for telling us who wins the challenge. I won’t reference this again, at all, until the elimination challenge.

So the mini’s are being led out into the desert to cook for hungry soldiers. Always a good challenge, except for the bit where someone pipes up and tells us that their uncle’s dog knew someone who was in the marines/army/airforce/girl guides so this challenge is ‘so important’ to them as stockbroker cum amateur chef. Are we not allowed to appreciate the job the Armed forces do for us because we don’t know anyone in them? Grumble. Will what happens in the desert stay in the desert?


Yes, as they’re lost.

That would be a short season. I just remembered that one of the mini’s was in search and rescue for the navy I think, so I have to admit he’s got a right to be saying this is important to him. Rats, I should think harder before talking.

Big Willie is saying its hot in the Mojave (a place I’ve only visited through Fallout: New Vegas, but it looked great) and he’s uncomfortable. As a fellow big guy, I can sympathize, heat does not suit us. You do not want to know.

Turns out Magical Bollocks (another one nicked off aunt Dorsey) is actually Scottish, not English. There’s no way that isn’t an English accent, but then that’s not so uncommon for us Brits to be swapping accents with each other. Being one of the pale skinned Brits isn’t going to be a plus for him either, but then he turns up in a leather jacket more suited to being in a prog-rock band than somewhere hot.

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‘Fly like a dream, in my silver machine…’

I combine skin so pale you can count the blue veins on my wrists and palms with being a fatty, so I’dve expired three hills back and started slow roasting.

Cutter is remembering the days he used to jump out of helicopters in the military. There’s something infectiously likeable about him – he’s my joint favorite between him, Big Willie and Jaimee, who is the top one and definitely my Pony this year.

The judges roll up in some trucks, and very unconvincingly stumble out the back, but TG can now turn up with the others and not in the special reinforced carriage or similar they used to chuck him in.

Francis B is the Red team leader as he won the last challenge, and he’s getting to pick all 9 mini’s in his team! With no twist? Wow. This might get interesting.

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They’re all going to hate me aren’t they? (yes)

He has confidence, and picks Cutter first, then Tyler, as they allegedly ‘know meat’. Then Victoria, as she’ll know what to do with side dishes. Ohhhh, you’re one of those? Men cook da meat. Women cook da pretty green things we don’t eat?

But then I forget about that. He picks Magic Bollocks next, for some reason.


Oh FFS, he has actual wings on his jacket.

What was his thought process to get to there? Desert, heat, hmmm, winged Fairy dust Jacket!I do secretly admire him though for having the outrageous chutzpah to do it. Very secretly. I mean there is a point where my outrage has to turn to admiration, and he’s there with this. Its awesome in the truest sense of the word.

Francis picks Big Willie, a good choice for skills going on previous weeks. Then Christine, Elisabeth, the asian girl whose name escapes me and she herself has drifted out of my memory since last week,  and lastly Keira. Leaving us with Team Blue.

Christian on Team Blue is already thinking they’re on the express train to defeat. Go team go! Bastich orders them to choose a captain (now!) and they act in unison, as a single team…

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… to step away from Daniel, point and yell ‘Him!’

At least they have finely honed survival instincts. Except for Courtney who is standing there probably wondering where the other cheftestants went.

The teams are feeding 500 soldiers.

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Could poor old Bastich look less comfortable?

There are expressions of disbelief, and so on. Its a huge task though – they need to make one grilled meat, one side and a sauce for a main, and I think that’s all (!) they need to make. Two hours prep.

I called it!

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‘This is really important to me.’

Alright I can see her point as her brother and dad were in the forces. Lets just hope she doesn’t mess it up then.

The prep starts, and immediately there is something wrong.

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It…it doesn’t say ‘Walmart’?

Its all efficiently labelled though, which you’d expect from the Army.

They get to pick Beef, Chicken or Pork as the protein. Beef has the advantage you can call it ‘very rare’ when you fail to cook it right, as opposed to killing people with undercooked pork or chicken. I think that shot of Gordy shouting ‘its raw’ has lowered my expectations of the minis.

Team red is going Pork chops, apple cranberry sauce, with mac and cheese as a side. That doesn’t sound that great to me – I wouldn’t like the cheese and pasta mixed with Cranberry and apple.

Team Blue is using the ‘yell the loudest’ system to choose the protein. Malibu Man pipes up with some useful advice – grilling chicken can go dry, go with beef. But they’re going chicken with bbq sauce and a potato salad.

In a large group, its inevitable someone is going to feel left out, and here it’s Malibu Ken. He’s talking sense, so its a bit odd they aren’t listening to him. He also doesn’t dob in the team when Gordy asks whose idea Chicken was, he says ‘All of ours’. He does go on to say he’d prefer to cook Beef, and that’s a double plus for me. Reasonable, but still saying what he thinks. I might start liking him if he keeps this up.

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I still wouldn’t go near him like this though.

The judges are down on the mac and cheese idea too, but for different reasons to me. They think there’s no oven so it’s a no go. In fact if they can make it, they think it’s a win. Now its up against chicken and potato salad, yep, I know which one I’d rather eat. Hand me the mac and cheese, arteries be damned.

45 minutes in and they’re starting the grilling. Cutter has included Victoria into the meat cooking club without a second thought, so another plus point for him – but he did need the judges to get him to stoke the grill up which isn’t a good sign.

A worse sign crops up on Blue team. Malibu Ken thinks the chicken is raw, as its too soft. Stephanie is ignoring him, and he backs down. Gordy swoops in. Malibu was right, Stephanie was wrong.

Its a little under

Well if you put it like that Gordy, I suppose that is a little under.

Christian is all ‘didn’t you cut into it to check it’ but Malibu knew it by touching it, so he has some skills it seems. He was ignored, again. So far into this challenge, he’s been fairly calm and sensible, with far fewer signs of going batshit crazy like in the kitchen.



Over in Red its not so comfy either. Gordy asks ‘How is that Mac and Cheese?’ Its a fateful question, and he’s not going to like the answer.

Mac and congealed stuff

They could try to lie, but I think we’re past the point where that might work now.

That is not appetizing and it seems like the judges were spot on. It turns out that their idea of making the cheese sauce was dumping in cheese and cream, together, and hoping. First rule of making a dish is actually knowing how to make it. Surely they knew to make the sauce first? Then add the cheese in? I know there are lots of versions of this dish, but theirs is not one to try.

With not much time left, Red team abandon the pasta with congealed cheese n cream, to make coleslaw. The pendulum is swinging back to the blues it seems.

Despite the potential disaster in red team, this challenge has been going smoothly in terms of team dynamics.Magic bollocks is worrying that the team isn’t going to get it done, and if they don’t they’ll be ‘truly buggared’. A slightly harsh penalty for losing but maybe he knows something we don’t.

15 seconds to go! It cuts to Cutter saying ‘These are not ready’ over his pork grills.

A man alone

A man alone. Totally alone, with a huge stack of meat to cook.

Both teams seem to have enough to start plating up at least. Victoria says that it turns to chaos immediately. The pork chops just can’t keep up.

Verdicts on the dishes back up Malibu’s opinions from earlier on. The chicken is pretty dry, but it’s being covered up by a lot of the Red’s pork chops being raw.


That’s not even pretending to be cooked.

It looks like several got out into the wild, so Red is bound to be losing by default now. Dry chicken and potato salad sounds bad, but not compared to raw pork. So is this the traditional ‘change the strategy and win’ tactic? They split the chops to cook em quicker and try to get it done.

Its over, and the vote off begins. It looks close at first, but it isn’t and indeed Red team pulled it back from behind with 329 votes, which is pretty convincing as they missed a few plates too.

Ok so the editing pixies faked out at the start, using footage showing members of the team that won in the elimination challenge.

So its Blue team in the pressure test. The denial kicks in, and Stephanie questions how Red team could win when they missed so many plates. There is an answer.

Ass food

Your food tasted like ass

Christian whines anyone can cook a pork chop. Well Red team nearly disproved that, but by the same token anyone can cook a chicken breast too, which Blue team nearly disproved. Shoulda gone with the beef. Courtney is not happy either. Malibu mutters ‘welcome to the real world’ to his team-mates. Excellent, he has a cynical-bitter streak in there, buried under it all. He has cause, he did know they were hurtling to their doom with that chicken.

So its the pressure test. Will there be any saving tactics available? Yes, 3 of them are getting a save, and Daniel gets to choose. Gordy says he put himself out there, which is stretching it a bit. Christian thinks he deserves a pass, and gets one. Then Little Gordy, who we haven’t really seen all ep was apparently a hard worker.

Gordy points out he can save himself. He chooses not to – it is easier to be noble at the start, when there’s more room and likelihood of surviving the pressure test, than at the end of the season where its on a knife edge, but it can still go horribly horribly wrong. Frankly, although Malibu Man deserves the pass, I want Jaimee to get it. Personal bias! He has done a lot to go up in my estimation this week, not least by keeping it calm, but he’s not that good yet. He picks Dan.

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Dan! How could you pick Dan!

He saw Dan as a threat, so maybe it was sensible. Malibu is not happy and nor am I, so any plus for nobility has evaporated.

The dish they’re cooking is Blueberry Pie. Someone is happy. A pie! A pie! I can cook a pie!

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Elise’s lucky day. She in fact has to cook a pie.

Other than ‘you’ve won’ they couldn’t have said anything better to her. Look at her cute smile, its a relief to see it for once. Someone else is happy too! Jaimee the baker is smirking away.

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Although not as happy as Elise, who seems to be getting there.

Damn, she likes pies. Daniel admits that if he’d known it was baking he’dve taken a pass – too late suckah!

You can keep all other pies – Blueberry pies are where its at for me. I love Blueberries with a frightening intensity, only equaled by my love for Gooseberries. So although I’m not a huge baking fan, this I would love.


Get in my way – lose an arm

Jaimee has a Blueberry pie tattooed onto her neck, which you’d hope that means she likes making them. It’s just too perfect and I’m getting suspicious again.  I still can’t shake the fear its Tana Ramsay in disguise, but having re-watched Hells Kitchen season 7 ep1 again,(where she last disguised herself as a contestant) I think I’m worrying over nothing. How cool is Jaimee? How much more perfect can she get? Don’t mess this up girl.

Blueberry pie neck

Now that’s just making me feel wrong in all the right ways

75 minutes, and I’m also rooting for Malibu and maybe even Elise. She looked so happy for once, I can’t help it. TG identifies Stephanie as a risk due to doing too much. Bastich is just saying ‘Daniel chose to stay, can you imagine if he goes home’ as Daniel runs into a wall. No really- I think panic is setting in.

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A wall? In a room? Whod’ve thunk it. Not Daniel.

Gordy wants to add lemon zest to the pastry. I love you Gordy, I hope you know that. TG would put mint in, meh but it’d still be a blueberry pie so ok. Stephanie goes one more. Not in a good way. In a bad, bad, bad way.

pecans? PECANS?

Pecans! In Blueberry pie crust? Back fiend, back to the Hell you came from!

No I don’t think she’s a devil really, she just has odd ideas about pies. More worryingly she hasn’t started her pie and she’s running out of time. Just as Malibu has been getting more impressive, Stephanie’s stock has been reducing this week. I’d still prefer Daniel to go.

Jaimee seems a safe pair of hands here, putting blood orange into the fruit, going the citrus route which Gordy has already said is a safe bet.

40 minutes left and if the editing is being truthful, Courtney, Malibu and Jaimee have all got their pies in on time, Elise is behind and has gone a whole pie lid route. I like that, but only if it cooks ok. Daniel is very late getting his in – only 28 minutes of baking time? He’s in trouble, unless someone else has really snafu’d.

The pies are out and up! Jaimee first. It looks perfect, Oh she put orange liqueur in it, not just the juice. TG loves it, and she has to be safe. Even Bastich says its impressive.

Elise is up. She has Mascarpone and lavender in it, and a whole crust – its a bit of a gamble.

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My sanity rests with you doing well pie, don’t let me down.

It looks less finessed than the others, and it has a raw bottom. Best line of the show coming up though.

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‘The pie is your Nemesis.’

Seems like she was too late getting it in, amongst other things. Its a miss, and no one likes it. Get the waders on.

Jordan is up, with lemon zest and brandy. Looks good, at first, but it has raw flour on it and Bastich pronounces it sloppy.

Courtney’s looks great, and tastes great too. Gordy asks her if there’s anything she can’t do, and she replies ‘I guess when we find it, we’ll all know’. I can’t believe she’s dumb after her successes, but she has a habit of being overly literal.

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I enjoy reading,watching movies, and eating. Oh and breathing, that too.

Again though, she can’t be dumb she’s consistently shown herself to be competent and creative.

Malibu has gone the ‘Christmassy’ route of cinnamon and ginger to spice his pie. TG says its awesome. Daniel takes a swipe. Bitter because he was right about the challenge.

Next up is the Pecan / Blueberry pie, and I’m crying as I type it. I feel like Stephanie is sending me a personal message.


‘Look upon my Diabolic Works and Despair. Where’s your God now?’

She seemed like such a nice person too. Its not ‘apple pie and cheese’ bad, but still very wrong.

Her intent, to make a pie that stands out, is actually a good idea, but I can’t help think she’s gone careening down the wrong road. Please don’t save Daniel, Stephanie. It turns out to be incredibly sweet too, and Gordy says ‘its so sweet that the only person in here who would like that pie is Elise’. Which is an unfortunate choice of words, but he means as it might save her, not that she’d eat anything.

Daniel is up, with his late pie. Blueberry and ginger, and Gordy is not happy with it. But it smells of being over critical for effect.

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Scruffy, but not a Pecan in sight.

The taste is fine though, even delicious. It sounds like it’s enough to save him.

They get called up, and Jaimee, Courtney and Malibu are safe with top pies. Daniel and Jordan get saved for being average, which I’d take happily if I were them. Elise and Stephanie are the losers.

Elise keeps it together, which is good, and Stephanie finally gets told off for putting pecans in a blueberry pie. Justice! In fact so much so that she is canned. Ouch.

Oh well, farewell Stephani. There are sooo many people who should’ve have gone out before you, but you did make raw chicken and fail to listen to sense so its not entirely undeserved. Still, you rocked that apron, and disastrous as the pecans were, at least it was an attempt at creativity.

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Not one you should ever,ever, repeat though.

So far less bile than I was expecting, and next week the editing suggests Courtney is in trouble, so that’s the last thing that’ll happen. I must dash off to watch Celebrity Masterchef now, see you next week!

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