Come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, to the mansion of ridiculousness, the house of fifteen minutes, where fame is fleeting but embarrassment lasts as long as there are blogs like TrashTalkTV!
This episode is helpfully titled “Ring of Fire” which leads me to believe it is about sore assholes. And no assholes are more sore than the couples WeTV has assembled. Oh to be on their original hit programs once again when they became a household name for six and one quarter seconds. Now they are on Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars. How the world turns. Here is a fun fact, Preparation H wanted to use the Johnny Cash song “Ring of Fire” in a commercial and Cash said no freaking way. Good stuff. Onto the show.
We open up with shots of a tranquil house, the pool water is calm as the sun rises over the hills. Suddenly, the ocean of relaxation has a jet ski of annoyance race across the surface: Tanisha and Clive are fighting. Gretchen is interrupted as she is caking on her makeup with her bedazzled paint roller. Traci takes a shot of “Breakfast Vodka” and I laugh. Clive comes down alone and reveals he is hard of hearing. Thanks buddy. Roger wants him to stand up for himself. Easy to say when you can hear properly, see correctly and are as muscular as a farm ox.
The idiots are summoned to the living room. They walk in to see copies of the internationally recognized, Pulitzer prize winning newspaper The Marriage Boot Camp Inquirer. Tanisha, because she is equal parts funny and a moron, says “I can’t get away from this damn press.” Uh honey, the news conference was fake…much like your hair. OOOOOH BURN!
FYI: I realized that my abbreviations were a bit off. DC = Director Carroll, but that is actually the shared last name for both DC and DE (Director Elizabeth). His first name is Jim but I like the way DC sounds in my head as opposed to DJ. So DC = Director Jim Carroll. Got it? Good.
DC (Director Jim Carroll, remember?) says that last night was intense. He says that the couples have to pick out their “issues” and they will address them before they become public fodder. Uh, newsflash: your lives exist only for our amusement. This is the contract you sign with the devil, or BRAVO, or Oxygen, or whatever network you choose, when you are a reality “star.”
Gretchen and Slade are up first. She bounds up to the newsstand and selects several things- Communication, Money, Children (and Gretchen continues her Orange County housewife BS story about having kids) and Public Opinion. Slade also tells her to get “Co-dependence” and I admire his honesty.
Roger and Jenni are up and pick Fighting, Compromise, Quality Time, Intimacy and some others.
Traci and Kevin pick up some issues of Insecurity, Fighting, Communication, Infidelity, Addiction and a couple more.
Trista and Ryan don’t know what to pick because they are irritating. Trista picks Public Opinion because, and I quote, “I don’t want to let people down.” Oh give me a fucking break. Let me explain something to you, the public is no more invested in the outcome of your marital union then they are about getting sausage versus bacon as a breakfast side. You think about it for one minute and move on. I would be more likely to think longer about who farted in the elevator then whether these two vapid cylinders are happy, sad, angry, divorced, together or stuck in quicksand. Get over yourself Trista.
Finally they also take Communication, Money and Insecurity. Great.
Tanisha and Clive are up next. Ah, saving the most stable couple for last I see. They should just do an arm sweep of the entire newsstand and be done with it. They pick just about every issue. Roger says it would be easier if the newsstand was on wheels and they could just wheel it all over. HA.
DC says that they should discuss the issues and they will all meet back together later.
At the table, the couples sit in a circle and begin the blame game/airing of grievances. It is like a Festivus celebration. Tanisha opens it up by asking Clive to say what happened when she let him get a private dance. Clive smiles and says that he tried to have sex with the stripper but she refused. This is unreal. Also, hilarious. In his defense, Clive said it was his birthday. Makes sense, he just wanted an STD to give to Tanisha. It is like a present…a horrible itchy present.
Roger is continuing his “I get no sex” diatribe. Jenni confesses to the group that he has smashed three laptops in the past year. I cannot tell if this is from porn or anger. During the circle, Trista is sitting on Ryan’s lap. Always irritating.
After this pointless exercise, the couples are in their bedrooms chilling. Tanisha and Clive are arguing, surprise surprise.
Not in a funny way, but Tanisha and Clive are really out of control. Tanisha is telling Clive she will punch him. Clive says that he will slap the shit out of her. Yikes. She keeps slapping at him and pushing him and they square up like they are about to have a Royal Rumble. We go to commercial so the producers can shoot each of them with a tranquilizer dart.
When we get back from commercials, Ryan has taken the time out of his perfect day to step in and mediate between Tanisha and Clive. He says it would be a good time for one of them to take a walk. Yes, preferably off of a short pier at the shark feeding station.
The Directors intervene. The root of this stupid argument was that Tanisha left Clive a list of clothing to pack for the trip at Boot Camp and he did none of it. Clive says that he didn’t hear her or some such shit. Tanisha says his hearing issue is a burden on their relationship and that it is frustrating. DC says they are in a viscous cycle of lashing out and hurting each other. Tanisha says that she is not in love with Clive. I actually gasp.
The couples are downstairs and Clive and Tanisha join them. Gretchen actually says, with a straight botox-ed face, “I actually came downstairs and was crying in the bathroom because of you two. You are upsetting me physically.” Way to make it all about you, you ass. Tanisha apologizes but she says “This is my truth and this is the only place I know to go.” Gag me…this is my truth.
DC summons them outside with their baskets of issues. When they come outside, there is a raging inferno and smoke. That is the intense hatred of the American public for these simpletons. We go to commercials so everyone can relax and get a glass of ice water.
When we get back, DE explains the rules of the new exercise. One by one, the couples will stand in the center and feed their paper issues into an incinerator. Judging by the size of the flames, they will see who has the most issues or is to blame or some such nonsense.
Gretchen and Slade come up first. Many of the issues are hers. When it comes to Children, Gretchen lays the blame on Slade. The guy had a damn vasectomy and it will be a process to get that reversed. She says “This issue is your fault. Now you want to say to me you want to be married before having kids. You keep changing the story.” DC accuses one of them of lying. Slade ultimately accepts it. Money is the next one and that is OBVIOUSLY Slade’s fault. He has none.
Trista and Ryan are up. Trista gloats that they have the least papers. Trista says some dumb crap about her old journals and trust. Communication is up next and Ryan takes it. I go to take a nap. They are the human equivalent of a cup of warm milk.
Traci and Kevin are next to put their feet to the fire. They both get bales of Communication thrown into their incinerators. Traci says their communication sucks. Infidelity is the next issue and we go to commercials before it can get too heated (see what I did there?).
We return to the flames burning higher. DC asks Traci if she cheated to get back at him or for another reason. She did it to hurt him. Traci is still pretty hurt about it. DE says that they are still punishing each other for this old business. Both get the bales thrown into their fire. DC says they never get out of the ring of fire and their relationship has not grown in a long time.
Jenni and Roger are on deck. Jenni admits that she is selfish and she takes responsibility. She also volunteers for Compromise. Nice job Jenni. Then the intimacy bale comes up and it is because they define it differently, as many couples do. For him it means the horizontal mambo and for her it means romance. He takes possession of the papers. Roger also gets the resentment pack. He has a hard time letting go.
AND now for Tanisha and Clive. She may wind up throwing him into the flames. Ryan, because he is a fire fighter, hopes someone has alerted LAFD. Thanks Ryan.
Infidelity is the first up. Tanisha says that Clive was cheating from the beginning, but Tanisha takes the blame when Clive says that she does not know how to be faithful. Fighting is up next and it devolves into a fight. Obviously it is both their issues.
The flames are going up and Tanisha is acting a fool. DC reminds them they have 23 issues left to go. The flames will be able to be seen from space at this point. DE is doing her best to keep Tanisha on track but she is screaming and yelling. Annoying. She says she feels like a shish kabob. Kind of funny.
DE says that this is their marriage and that they have to fight for it. Clive and Tanisha both say they won’t quit. DC tells everyone to go back inside and get cooled off before evaluations.
Gretchen and Slade and Trista and Ryan are gabbing. Ryan says that Gretchen was way too hard on Slade over the kid thing. I do not want them procreating so I refuse to discuss it further.
Traci and Kevin are talking and Traci reveals that her wounds are still raw.
Clive and Tanisha are having a conversation at normal volume over the dinner table. She says that when she saw Clive take responsibility for issues when her flames were getting too high, it was wonderful. If he did it all the time they would not be here and instead, she would be at home “fucking the shit out of him.” Charming. Also, disgusting.
At their first evaluations, DE says that their goal is to work through as many issues as they possible can. She continues by comparing the ratings for their shows to the evaluations as the measure of how well they did. Gretchen reveals that she lives her life like a reality show by vomiting that they did really well in the exercise- she especially- and that they brought it. Sounds like she is evaluating her plot line.
Gretchen and Slade are up first. Gretchen also has to throw in her two cents before the evaluation and say that Tanisha and Clive’s fighting is stressful. Shut up White Oprah. DC explains that when a man gets a vasectomy, he is saying to the world that he does not want anymore children. Gretchen had not considered this before. DC says that Slade comes off as fake…which is obvious.
DC calls up Trista and Ryan. He says that he sees them growing old together but not growing. They have issues they need to fix. What dribble.
Traci and Kevin are called out for their unresolved bitterness. It can lead to more infidelity and divorce if they are not careful.
Jenni and Roger, the latter mostly, are called out for their feelings of resentment. Jenni needs to trust Roger a lot more. Get over it and move on.
Tanisha and Clive are up. Sigh. DC asks Tanisha what Clive has accomplished so far. She says that she saw him in a different light. Tanisha then says she “wants to do you right now” to Clive. Just stop it. They are told to move past their nonsense.
DC says that it will get a lot tougher. DE says that they need to continue to give 100% and they will see the fruit. Mostly bananas…because this show is B A N A N A S.
What did you think? Leave thoughts below.