Chrisley Knows Best Recap: Two Men and a Baby

Tuesday night and back to USA Network at 10PM for Chrisley Knows Best. Landing on USA Network this late at night makes me feel like a single dad from the 90s who just put their kids to sleep. Just channel surfing and looking for a friend…

chrisley knows best la femme nikitta usa networkThere she is!  

This week we’re treated to more Chrisley family values and shenanigans. For this group that includes a baby, drug test and off camera fender bender instead of a baby test and drug bender like most reality shows. We start with the drug test. Todd calls Kyle the wild card of the family and drug tests him every week. Wild card? Yea, that might have to do with sending him to Samoa for over half a year. I think you kinda zigged instead of zagged on that parenting decision. They say that whole brainwashing thing sticks with you for good.  Todd watches his son’s urine test and makes a dick joke.

Optimized-chrisley knows best todd kyle drug test bathroom smallDad stop! No seriously, Dad. Stop.

Todd and Savannah head to a parking lot to play driving school. Savannah is killing it with her Prada sunglasses. Not killing it, her cheap Tiffany’s heart charm. If you search necklaces on Tiffany.com, it’ll be first when you sort price low to high. It makes me think her 3K Louis Vuitton is fake. Did Todd approve these accessories as a bundle?

Optimized-todd chrisley knows best savannah louis vuitton prada sunglassesDid he approve that lanyard? 

Todd gets to yell things at Savannah while cameras watch, not making the girl more nervous or anything ya know. Prada patty concentrate! I really hated hearing that phrase AGAIN since I feel like I’ve heard it a million times since the promos started to air. The car is just surrounded with cones in a parking lot, it makes no sense at all. She is bound to hit all those cones.

Optimized-chrisley knows best savannah driving toddGood advice. 

Catherine, Faye and Kyle all live together. Catherine is a random lady in her 90’s that Faye, Kyle’s grandma, kinda adopted. Kyle says he loves it here! He never ever wants to leave his Nannie and that batshit bitch Catherine. Nannie hates the living arrangement, it sucks when she’s trying to give it to the guys she met on ChristianMingle.com

Back at the Chrisley homestead, which is currently for sale btw, Chase is wearing all gray and babysitting Grayson. Now they are just trying to confuse me. And Todd is totally dropping the ball on approving all of the outfits his family wears on this show. Grayson goes through his bucket list which includes skydiving, playing Xbox and court side Lakers tickets.  It is an appropriately dumb bucket list for a 7 year old or anyone for that matter. Bucket lists are the worst. 

This week we find out what Julie cares about: babies!! Specifically, her granddaughter. Grandchildren solve everything.  If Israel and Palestine had a baby together, the Middle East would be fine (no it wouldn’t). Kyle has a baby named Chloe but he doesn’t have custody. Julie and Todd are going to surprise him with custody of Chloe for half of the time. Kyle also passed his drug test so he isn’t getting sent away anytime soon. Todd says that Kyle used to be a user who cost the family $1M in his rehab stints and whatever else he fucked up along the way to get there. We never get to learn what he used or just how many times he was sent away to do wilderness things. Todd tosses Kyle a softball when he asks which moment did he decide to never use again, and Kyle said when his daughter was born. Now Kyle is a good boy and only goes to the strip club once a week. This is definitely an ATL thing. I wonder if he sits with Peter and Apollo at Magic City, Kyle’s club of choice. Kyle makes a joke to his father and says Catherine should be working at Magic City. Huh?

Optimized-catherine katherine chrisley knows best todd usa networkThat’s creepy Kyle, not okay.

The day finally comes to bring baby Chloe home. Well 2nd home half of the time. The kidnapping is successful and Julie is beaming with joy. Maybe Phaedra Parks did the lawyering thing to get custody for the Chrisleys.  Kyle says he’s ready to be a dad at 23 and that’s a good thing cause the genius is already a dad.

Off camera Savannah hit a parked car at Zaxby’s. She and Chase think up a lie and debate what to tell their parents. Listen, if you’re 16 and anything happens to a car, it’s your fault. No one is buying your lies and now you’re just wasting our screen time. Tell us more bad things Kyle has done! Radar Online and I would love to know.

Julie doesn’t give a fuck about some starter Benz because she has Chloe in her arms.  Chloe is a super cute tiny little baby. Her name is spelled correctly which is amazing in this family. I bet that was Chloe’s mom’s decision and not Kyle/Todd/Julie.

Optimized-chloe chrisley knows best baby two men and a baby

Welcome to 99 Crazy Lane! 

Julie and Todd love playing Mom and Dad to Chloe. It brings them back to the old days and Todd is swooning over his bride. BTW the WWE Factoids twitter account thinks that the Chrisleys are great parents. I think the account is written by some bottom of the barrel WWE Diva.

Optimized-wwe factoid generator tweet todd chrisley knows best  Trivia Question: Who has daddy issues?

Kyle has his sit down talk with his dad again in the living room and cries. Todd would like his son to you know, live on his own at 23 and be a father because he is 23 and a fucking father. You can try and try Todd but I think that this is one birdie that isn’t leaving the nest. He has no ambition outside of passing parental enforced drug tests and living with the Golden Girls.

Todd and Kyle attend a Mommy and Me class. Savannah and Chase show up to play with their hair and stutter about the car wreck. Todd knows the car story is BS and that kids are natural born liars. That is one of those Chrisleyisms that’s true. Todd should know, he spent his whole life lying about his sexuality.  We get the unnecessary back story about the Zaxby’s restaurant manager, who is good friends with Todd, and better be after three name drops in ONE EPISODE. The owner claims he saw Savannah hit a parked car and then Chase tried to smooth talk the car’s owners into not involving the police. Finally Todd and Julie apply monetary punishments to the kids but I don’t know how they will pay. Chase doesn’t have a job and Savannah probably didn’t make a ton at the prom dress show.

We end the show with the family in fancy pajamas.  Last week Todd talked about his daughters boobs and this week he made a creepy comment about his son’s junk. He’s really setting the pace for this first season. What did you guys think about the show? I am so glad I got a break from typing the OTHER Chrisley daughter’s name. 

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