RHOBH Season Finale Recap: Slurslanderbuse

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a bunch of ladies with faces made out of rubber cement and silly string fabricated stupid shit to fight about so they could stay on TV instead of aging gracefully with the homely rich old guys they married for a nice car and a pool.

There. If you haven’t watched, I just saved you like 20 hours of catch up. We open when it’s least scary to look at these turkey jerkies. Night time.

The ratings will bounce back if you could film the entire show in the dark. Trust.

It’s the night of the Chamber of Commerce party, otherwise known as The Party Bravo Stepped in to And Refused to Let Kyle Serve Free Fatburgers to Extras in White So Her Husband Could Get More Real Estate Leads on Bravo.

Yes, this whole Chamber of Commerce story is a big fake, but it can’t be faker than Carlton’s chest. Good Lord. Those things are filled with more saline than the Bausch and Lomb factory. As she walks in, she comments that she didn’t know the party was outside. They didn’t tell you because they didn’t want you to show up in a thong, tassles, and a gang of fifteen year old runway rent-a-strippers ya ho!

Yolanda is the next to arrive, and she’s walking proof that fashion models don’t always get to take home the product.

She looks like one of the fifty cent mosquito nets Idol Gives Back thrusts upon starving children in Africa, which is fitting as she probably eats the same diet as those brats.

Her husband is yet again MIA, which is probably a good thing. Someone needs to feed the Tenors they keep locked in the basement and make sure they don’t make a run for it. Instead, she’s brought along a trusty gay. She’s probably the butchest person he knows.

Yoli talks to Carl about the Lisa incident, saying that she hates when people make her feel minimized. Says the woman whose only money has come from her looks and whose only dream for her child thus far is to win a topless contest in Sports Illustrated. Minimizing yourself has built your entire life, girl. Don’t minimize that!

She whips out her whole “Dare ah Holleewood frind and real frind!” thing. Please mention Barbra Streisand right now. PLEASE. As she yammers on about Lisa being a bad friend because she didn’t stand there and let Yolanda yell at her for Brandi’s issues, Carlton stares at her, confused.

By the way, Carlton has shown up in blackface just to see if Brandi will have the nerve to push her in the pool and watch her drown.

Still too soon.

Kyle and Mauri show up to pick up Slut Pig, who ruined Portia’s life by allegedly having promiscuous sex in her bathroom after ruining Kim’s life by calling her a meth head on national TV. YAY! Let’s get our nails did!

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