Recap: Are You The One (Who’s Going To Give Me Herpes)? Ep. 1-4

Howdy Trashmii! Have we got a Valentine’s Weekend treat for you! Have a hard time finding love?

Girls at Intro
These gals too

But never fear…MTV is here! And they’ve come up with a doozy of a way to trap a bunch of kids in a house with an endless supply of free alcohol this time.  All in the name of love!

Shot through the heart
Disclaimer: I am NOT a fan of holidays made up solely to guilt people into buying things

MTV found ten hot twenty-something chicks who haven’t been very successful finding love, for various reasons:

Jessica is intimidating
I intimidate men

Shanley is pretty slutty
I’m a complete slut

Coleysia is a stalker
I’m a reconnaissance expert stalker 

Brittany is batshit fucking crazy
I’m batshit f@!king crazy

The ladies were subjected to a battery of personality tests, interviews and Cosmo quizzes, and their friends, families and ex-boyfriends were interviewed as well. Yentas were consulted, compatibility factors were measured. All this “data” was supposedly plugged into an algorithm in order to find, for each of the ten women, their perfect match.

Guys at Intro
It’s one of these guys

Love is  in the air! Except – dunh dunh dunnnnnhhhhh – they don’t know who their match is! Yikes!

And they’re not just here to find love…there’s money at stake too. If the 20 contestants can figure out all ten matches predicted by the algorithm within the next ten weeks, the group will split $1,000,000. $50K a piece doesn’t sound so bad until you see some of the humiliation and heartbreak they must endure to win the prize. But stay tuned for that.

Each week there will be a Getaway Competition, with the winners earning a kick-ass date. They’re in Hawaii so there’s no shortage of fun things to do.

Snorkeling with Brittany and Adam
Snorkel kissing

Surfing Shanley
Surfing lessons

Train Ride to Hell
Train rides to hell

But the group must play smart, because only couples who have won the date can be voted into…

Truth Booth Path
The Truth Booth

After some fake scanning with entirely unconvincing green lights, the Truth Booth indicates whether or not the couple inside is a perfect match. If they’re not a match, back into the game they go. If they are a match, they’re immediately whisked away to a honeymoon suite to explore their chemistry. But we haven’t seen the last of them; they’ll return each week for…

Matching Ceremony
The Matchup Ceremony

During a weekly Matchup Ceremony, the group approaches a super high tech ridiculously unnecessary handprint reader two by two to lock themselves in as one of ten hopefully perfectly matched couples. Then the host, Ryan Devlin (Michiganders rock!),  reveals how many of the matches are correct by lighting up one flood light at a time for each proper pairing.

Lights confirming matches
Gentlemen, do I have at least THREE matches correct?

Lost yet? No worries! We have four whole episodes to catch on so keep on reading and maybe it’ll make more sense by the end.

Ryan confused in the confessional
Or maybe not

Episode 1 opens with Host Ryan explaining to the contestants that they’re all there because they have one thing in common: they suck at relationships.

Host Ryan
Host Ryan: You are all really bad pickers

Cue a montage of audition videos. Adam has had 15 one night stands and thinks he needs a girl who won’t let him walk all over her. So, marriage material. (Although he still calls it “the ‘m’ word.”)

Adam I am dirty
Adam. Dirty.

Shanley brags about sleeping with the president of a fraternity and then sleeping with some of his brothers. Probably all us ladies have done that at least once in our lives, right? (Right?!?) But what kind of a classless chick makes a video publicly acknowledging her promiscuity and wearing it like a badge?  Even Backdoor Teen Mom tries to downplay her situation.

Backdoor Teen Mom has more pride
No, really, me and my porn star boyfriend always have casual sex with cameras strategically placed to capture six different angles

After Host Ryan explains the situation, the contestants head back to their Hawaiin mansion. It’s the first night, and naturally everybody’s getting shitty drunk. Never change, MTV. We’re introduced to a couple of the guys. Then we see the ladies’ bedroom with ten mattresses pushed together in the middle. Couples desiring some privacy are free to use the queen-sized bed in, I can’t believe I’m typing this, “Pound Town,” but should be aware that every single thing they’re doing is captured on camera.

House exterior daytime
I might sell out to live here for ten weeks too

Girls' beds
STD petri dish

Romper Room
Filmed “privacy”

Feature Pic
“Why are you wearing clothes?”

Ethan’s looking for a wholesome, all-American girl. Good luck with that here. Dillan’s sense of humor is…difficult to comprehend. He tries to pull off a race joke and fails miserably. Shanley spies Chris T’s Labyrinth tattoo and he’s immediately smitten. John dates crazy girls.

Ethan Intro
Ethan: What have I gotten myself into? There’s not one wholesome girl in this bunch.

Dillan intro
Dillan: Bad race jokes make bad first impressions

Chris T and Shanley canoodling by the pool
Chris T. and Shanley: Love at first sight of his Labyrinth tat

I don’t really get it

John Intro
John: “If I had to pick a type, I would honestly say ‘crazy'”

It’s good for girls like me to know that guys like John exist. Drinks keep flowing and eventually the inevitable drama begins. Shanley is more offended than anyone ever has been about anything in the history of time that someone has moved her stuff off of the bed she picked. She starts a bunch of shit, but Chris T. can’t see past their Labyrinth bond and interviews that instead of being turned off by her display of crazy, he thought it was hot that she was so aggressive since he’s not aggressive. Blind devotion in one day is a serious red flag, no?

Jacy seems sort of hood ratty. She comes outside and pulls Shanley off the hammock Shanley’s sharing with Chris T. to really stir things up. The boys keep them separated so they don’t actually come to blows, but they do have a really messed up clap-off that was pretty comical to watch.

Jacy playing hood rat
Jacy: Should I lose the preliminary clap-off, I will not hesitate to cut a bitch

After their altercation, Chris T. can no longer contain himself and he kisses his violent, shit-starting new lady, while interviewing that he knows it’s early, but he also trusts how strong his feelings are for Shanley. No one in the house is particularly thrilled that two amongst them have decided to hook up when they should all really be working together to win the money. What if they’re not a match? Chris T. maintains that his gut is telling him Shanley is the girl for him. Shanley interviews that given how often she goes crazy, it’s really great to have Chris T. around to calm her down. Yeah, this relationship’s gonna last.

Chris T and Shanley canoodling by the pool
When you know you know! I wonder how many people have said that about an ex-spouse.

The next morning, it’s time for the first Getaway Challenge. The group is assigned to take provocative selfies, with the opposite sex then trying to assign body parts to castmates. Each correct guess earns one point, with the top two guys and the top two girls winning a date with the houseguest of their choice.

Selfie Scali
Please tell me that camera is pointed anywhere but his face

Selfie bra and panties
That had to hurt. A lot.

Selfie boobies

Your parents must be so proud

Selfie time gives us occasion to re-meet 15-one-night-stand Adam. He admits his manwhoring ways, but claims that manwhore behavior is merely what every single guy would exhibit if only they were hot enough like he is.

Selfie wtf
Adam: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful (Pssst: That’s not why we hate you)

In the end, Wes and Joey win for the men, prompting Joey to do a backflip. Jessica blew everyone else out of the water, while Shanley just edges Amber in a sudden death tie-breaker to take the second ladies’ spot. The dates line up like this:

Jessica and Adam
Wes and Brittany
Shanley and Chris T.
Joey and Kayla

They get to go sailing around the coast the next day. Brittany interviews that she feels nothing for Wes, but she’s happy to go on the date nonetheless since she’s got her eye on Adam. Should be interesting. Before they leave for the night, Host Ryan introduces the Truth Booth and tells them that the challenge losers will decide which of the couples enter to see if they’re a match.

Back at the mansion, the liquor is flowing again so it must be a day that ends in y. Shanley and Chris T. are discussing the impact of the Truth Booth on their fast-forwarded relationship. Chris T. is convinced they’re a perfect match but Shanley’s not so sure. I really hope they get voted into the Truth Booth.

Meanwhile John interviews that he likes dominant girls who are independent and have that whole “I don’t give a f@#k! I can do what I want!” vibe because he likes to do what he wants to do too. Enter Simone. She says she and John are like french fries and ice cream…you’d never think to put those things together but it just works.

John and Simone about to kiss
Match made in fast-food heaven

The next day on the four-couple date-from-hell, Jessica and Adam are having the worst date of all time ever. From what I can gather that’s because Jessica is gorgeous and smart and determined and sort of amazing and Adam is a walking disease who thinks women were put on Earth to please men.

Jessica and Adam Worst Date Ever
Jessica realizing Adam is just a pretty face

Wes isn’t having any easier of a time with Brittany, who refuses to talk about anything except how amazing Adam is. It’s really uncomfortable. Ultimately once they all wind up in the water snorkeling, Adam and Brittany find each other and start making out, leaving their dates Jessica and Wes stuck together for the rest of the day.

Brittany telling Wes all about Adam
Adam doesn’t need an MBA for me to m-word him

Snorkeling with Brittany and Adam
These two are here on dates with other people

Back at the house, Ethan and Coleysia climb a tree and hang out talking. Ethan interviews that he likes her big eyes and the affection she shows him. It’s really very sweet. The challenge losers confer about which couple to vote into the Truth Booth. They generally agree to send in Chris T. and Shanley, since they’ve been attached at the hip since this crazy game started and if they’re not a perfect match they’re wasting a lot of everyone’s time. Smart!

After the date, everyone assembles with Host Ryan in the living room where they find out who the losers voted for. It is in fact Chris T. and Shanley, who anxiously walk the path to the Truth Booth and step inside for scanning.

Chris T and Shanley just before the Truth Booth
Whatever happens, baby I’ve only known 31 hrs, I’ll always love you

Chris T and Shanley in the Truth Booth
Wholly unnecessary “match scan”

MTV drags out the resolution of this for far, far too long, so I’m just gonna spill it. Chris T. and Shanley?

Chris T and Shanley not a match
Not a match

That’s kind of funny. Chris T. is pretty devastated. He was so sure (after one day) that Shanley was “the one” (even though she’s proven herself to be a petty, shit-stirring, hostile mean girl) that it feels like his gut slapped him in the face. Shanley’s more pragmatic, saying she definitely had doubts and that there are nine other potential matches so it’s good to know up front.

Everyone’s getting ready for their first Matchup Ceremony. So much pomp and circumstance. This week, the men will be selecting a lady to pair up with and face the dreaded handprint lock screen. Next week the women will pick.

Handprint Lock Screen
Take all this extra crap out and they’d have a pretty decent half-hour show

Wes is up first. He doesn’t choose Jessica so I guess their consolation date after Brittany and Adam hooked up was lackluster. Instead he picks Kayla, who looks pretty disappointed. Ouch. Next up is Ethan, who boldly picks Shanley, much to the dismay of Chris T.  Adam is next and he picks Brittany. Given how little either of them seem to care about abandoning their dates for each other, they probably deserve each other.

John picks Simone. When she comes up she tells Host Ryan she’s worried, because John is so skinny, that maybe he has a really tiny penis. Everyone is really uncomfortable. John says “this is just typical us.” Oh how cute, they’re an us. Chris T. chooses Jessica. Shanley makes this big production about how she’s okay with it, Jessica is who she would pick for Chris T. if she could.

First Matchup Ceremony Paige is in a wedding dress
Paige wore a wedding dress

Dillan is last to pick and he winds up with Coleysia by default. He is NOT happy, saying he had three other girls in mind but they were all already chosen. Coleysia is understandably taken aback, and also upset at being the one no one wants. Ouch. She starts crying and Dillan rightfully feels like an ass.

Dillan is pissed he's stuck with Coleysia
Dillan making Coleysia feel super comfortable

Following his tantrum, the matches shake out like this:

Wes and Kayla
Ethan and Shanley
Adam and Brittany
Dre and Jacy
John and Simone
Chris T. and Jessica
Joey and Paige
Chris Scali and Ashleigh
Ryan and Amber
Dillan and Coleysia

Host Ryan then starts the long and arduous ceremony. For each match they have correct, a beam of light blazes brightly in the night sky, but in order to make this an hour-long show they light them up one at a time. Also, very bright lights must be shone upon the contestants in order for the light beams to work. Or something.

Blinding light
Blinded by love? Or the crew?

This week? They only have two matches correct. Only two! That’s not very good at all.

Lights confirming matches
Ten lights = $1,000,000. Two lights = try harder.

Host Ryan sends them off with a reminder: Your perfect match is here. You just need to find them. We close out the premiere with castmates interviewing about game strategy. Wes wonders whether they should go for someone they’re attracted to, or someone who seems straight out of left field? I vote b given how bad they all are at relationships. Amber interviews that she’s going to try and suppress her own feelings; she’d rather squash that shit all the way down and play for the money. Should be an interesting show!

Episode 2 opens with a 7-minute recap of the first episode because MTV clearly thinks their viewing audience has the combined attention span of a flea. Or they’re training them for eventual Bravo viewership. It could totally be that.

It’s after the first Matchup Ceremony and everyone starts strategizing. Well, sort of. Mostly they start drinking and talking about what to do next, but “strategizing” isn’t a word I’d use with this group necessarily. Ryan advocates picking all different couples for the next Matchup Ceremony. That way they’d know that any of their newly correct matches were independent of the two they got right the first time. Not a bad idea. But really they need a math major up in there. Basically this is just a 10×10 logic problem, no? I’m near positive this can all be solved using statistics.

Paige looking confusedWhich means Paige probably won’t be helping

Kayla and Wes are laying in the girls’ bed talking; he picked her at the Matchup Ceremony and now they really seem to be hitting it off. Kayla tells him she was a preacher’s daughter, and that guys always looked at her as a challenge which skewed her perception on men.

Selfie boobies
When preacher’s daughters take selfies

Elsewhere in the house a GIANT PARTY is unfolding. Jacy comes in and starts macking on John and Simone is NOT into it. John interviews that he was initially drawn to Simone, but that her jealousy is extremely unattractive, albeit ego boosting. Jacy cracks me up by calling John by both his first and last names all night. “John Jacobs where are you?” “John Jacobs let’s dance!” I have a tendency to overuse last names and it drives my best friend crazy.

Jacy wants to marry John Jacobs
John Jacobs, we gonna get married

Simone's about to cut a bitch
The F#@K?!? I’m RIGHT HERE!

Chris T. and Shanley refuse to separate from each other, even though the Truth Booth last episode told them they weren’t soul mates. He interviews for the fourteenth time about how strong his feelings for her are, then we see her begging him for sex in the hot tub. The head up to Pound Town and he wastes no time getting himself ready for her.

Chris T at attention
Foreplay’s for the hot tub

It’s the next day, and Ryan can’t find his journal. Correction, his two journals – he has a personal journal and a dream journal. He’s pretty pissed, made worse by the fact that no one else is helping him look or seems to care. Ethan interviews that only a complete idiot would have a journal in a house where 20 other people can find it. Agreed.

Brittany and Adam are hanging out outside. She tells him she’s not that into random sex and he’s suddenly not nearly as interested in her as he was when he stole her from Wes on their date. She says the word “married” and he nearly has a heart attack. He interviews that he’s really starting to second guess his initial attraction to her. After he walks runs away, she says aloud to no one in particular other than the cameraman: “I’m not psychotic. I just think a lot.” I already beg to differ.

Adam realizing Brittany is a Stage XIV Clinger
This is the exact moment Adam realizes he’s successfully attracted a complete whackaloon

Brittany talking to herself about not being crazy
Honey, no. You’re actually just psychotic.

It’s time for the Getaway Challenge. They have to pair up for this one. The top two pairs are not only the four people who will be winning this week’s date…they’re also the only two couples who can be voted into the Truth Booth, so it’s important the group plays strategically here. The first part of the challenge is one of those trust/communication nightmares from every leadership workshop you’ve ever attended. One of each pair will be blindfolded and have to traverse a maze-like area built from bamboo in order to collect two leis. The other of the pair will be shouting out directions/laughing hysterically at the ensuing chaos. The top four couples will move on to the second round.

Episode 2 Getaway Challenge
Getting lei’d blindfolded. Kinky.

Dre & Shanley kick everyone’s ass and are the first couple to move on to the second round. Jessica & Ethan come in second, with Adam & Coleysia and Kayla & Wes rounded out the top four. In the second part of the challenge, each of those four couples have to kayak out to a buoy and then back again, with the paddler blindfolded and the navigator shouting instructions.

Blindfolded kayaking just sounds dangerous
Blindfolded kayaking just sounds dangerous

Jessica paddles her and Ethan’s way to victory. The girl is a freaking machine, possibly part robot. I’d put money on her being a cutter. All her interviews are about how failure is not an option and she seems extremely focused. Second place comes down to Wes & Kayla, the couple everyone wants to send to the Truth Booth, and Shanley & Dre, the miserable bitch and her til-now-quiet partner. If Shanley were a team player, she might consider stopping to let Wes & Kayla win so they’re eligible for the Truth Booth. She’s way more interested in surfing lessons in Hawaii, though, and she and Dre wind up taking the second spot on the date.

After the challenge, everyone sits down for tea and crumpets and properly discusses their next move. Just kidding; everyone goes back to the mansion and gets shitty drunk. Ryan is tripping balls about his journals. Jacy tries to console him, but she does so with dollar bills falling out of her top so I can’t stop laughing.

Jacy with bills in her bra
Baby, I can make you feel better. 20 dolla.

Kayla heads up into a kickass treehouse with Ryan instead of Wes. Hmmmmm. Kayla interviews that she does really like Wes, but that Ryan’s pretty hot. While Ryan and Kayla are kissing, Wes walks up. They invite him up, but it’s really, really awkward. Eventually Wes figures out he’s the third wheel so he leaves Ryan and Kayla to make out some more. Ryan’s a little worried he broke the guy code, but keeps kissing Kayla anyway.

Treehouse of Whorers
The Treehouse of Whorers

Paige offers Chris T. $100 to not talk about Shanley for a day. Elsewhere in the house, Ryan busts into the confessional to confront Dre about stealing his journals. Kayla told him up in the treehouse it was Dre and Ryan is pissed. Since there’s a fight happening, Jacy’s naturally in the thick of it even though it has nothing to do with her whatsoever. That girl likes to throw down. Dre starts threatening to put Ryan in an ambulance which, whoa. Eventually Ryan walks away with Kayla. They start looking for his journals and she randomly manages to find them hidden somewhere in some sitting room. Ryan is so thankful he wants to marry her on the spot.

Dre being confronted in the confessional
I’d be willing to bet that’s disinterested party Jacy’s nail

Ryan and Jacy confront Dre in the confessional
Shit’s going down? I’m there!

Dre threatens ambulances
Whoa whoa whoa – an ambulance?

Simone has been stewing about John’s escapades with Jacy and she finally gets a chance to talk with him.  He tells her she’s a cool chick, but he doesn’t think they’re a match. Simone says that she hears what he’s saying, but she can’t formulate a response at the moment. Thankfully for us, she responds via interview. The gist is that she’s pissed she lowered her standard so far in order to be with John in the first place, so for him to now reject her is enough to make her crazy. She opines that no one in the house would have ever taken John seriously if she hadn’t first.


Simone I made you bitch

The next day’s surfing date is pretty tame. Jessica, Shanley and Ethan all do really well, while Dre struggles a good deal. Ethan is all about Jessica. He thinks they get along so well because they’re both athletic and outdoorsy. Could they be a match?

We’ll find out soon enough. The challenge losers have voted Ethan & Jessica into the Truth Booth. They nervously head down for their scanning, where we finally learn the truth.

Jess and Ethan in the Truth Booth
Jessica & Ethan?

Jess and Ethan aren't a match
Not a match

Everyone is pretty disappointed, so they break out the booze. How do these people drink so much? Tonight they take it to the next level with Drunken Spin The Bottle. Pretty much everyone ends up making out with everyone else. Given that these people have decided to pick their matches solely based on hormones and initial sexual attraction, I thought family pot spin the bottle was a fantastic idea. Might as well break all the sexual tension at once, while working through the inevitable jealousy at the same time. Two birds, with all the anxiety smoothed out by our good friend alcohol.

STB begins
All-house Spin the Bottle!

STB John and idk

STB Dre and Simone

STB get a room

STB Jessica and another girl

STB idk 2

Ryan drunkenly reveals in the confessional that now that everyone’s kissed everyone else, they’re all finally family. It’s possible he grew up with an incredibly different family structure than most of the rest of us. Brittany continues to get more psycho about Adam, becoming crazy with jealous rage whenever anyone kisses him. A jealous girlfriend is exactly what a self-proclaimed manwhore needs, no? (No.)

Bitch be crazy. For reals. Back in the game, Chris Scali kisses Paige and gives her major butterflies. They talk together outside after the game and it’s actually really cute. They seem to be bonding pretty hard core. Paige interviews that she wouldn’t have necessarily looked at Chris Scali as a potential match, but the kiss was the most incredible of her life so she’s falling for him pretty hard.

Paige and Chris Scali bond after their magical kiss
Please let’s kiss like that more

In the kitchen the next day, Brittany scares the crap out of Adam, who is sitting with Amber for support. Here’s a thought: don’t tell crazy girls you’re not that into them in a room that’s full of knives. Brittany won’t hear anything Adam is saying; she’s convinced they’re a match and that’s that. It’s…unsettling.

Adam telling Brittany he's out
I don’t really like you

Brittany confused in the kitchen
But we’re supposed to get m-worded

Shanley bumps into Adam in the hall and they bond about being Greek. Basically their conversation goes like this:

Shanley: I f#@k frat guys.
Adam: Hey, I’m a frat guy!
(Brittany: I will kill you in your sleep.)

Wes is giving Kayla a backrub when Ryan comes in to interrupt. It’s very awkward again. Wes leaves them alone, leaving me wondering what he’s thinking. Ryan tries to get Kayla to say she’s not interested in Wes, but she can’t. She says she never thought she’d wind up in a love triangle. You can’t ever trust those preacher’s kids, can you.

Time for our second Matchup Ceremony. Tonight is ladies’ choice. Jacy starts, picking John Jacobs while saying he’s the only one for her. Host Ryan asks Simone how she’s feeling, given how close she was with Johnny at the last Matchup Ceremony. Simone basically calls Jacy a ho and says John can do whatever he wants. So that ended well.

Paige interviews that she’s confused between Chris Scali and Chris T. Christ T. would be her first choice, but Scali’s kisses make her weak in the knees and they had a great time hanging out last night. At least with them both named Chris she has little chance of screaming out the wrong name. Good plan, Paige.

Paige shocks me, and Scali, by picking Chris T. Shanley’s pissed off too. She interviews that Chris T. is her man (even though they’re not a match) and that Paige is “going to have a hard time the rest of the time we’re in this house from me.” I wish she’d stop outwardly admitting what a horrible person she is. Shanley is going to have such a hard road in life. I predict four divorces before the age of 30 and/or eventually homeless and addicted to meth.

It’s Simone’s turn to choose and Host Ryan can’t not ask about John. Simone says John stepped on her feelings and then picks Scali. Scali, still reeling that Paige didn’t pick him, pretends he’s all happy she picked him just before interviewing that he’s not the slightest bit attracted to Simone. Ouch.

Shanley is next. She picks Adam, despite still having feelings for her non-match, Chris T. Adam is pretty stoked. Given her penchant for blowing frat guys, he’s definitely interested in getting to know her better. Host Ryan asks if Adam thinks he and Shanley could be a match. Adam makes Brittany’s head explode by responding “yes, definitely.” Host Ryan’s all “I thought you were hot and heavy with Brittany?” Adam says Brittany is psycho, then Brittany goes a little psycho right then and there, prompting Adam to reiterate that Shanley may very well be his match.

A few uncomplicated selections later, it’s Brittany’s turn. Host Ryan asks about Adam and Brittany shows us her crazy by telling him that Adam will push her away and then pull her back in…push her away, pull her back…push her away, pull her back…until Adam yells “I push you away and then you come back.” She STILL doesn’t get, laughing and saying “you love it though!” Um, no. No he doesn’t. John tries to help her by yelling out “Adam doesn’t care about you!” Brittany just looks confused.

Brittany thinks love feels like rejection
Brittany thinks love feels like rejection

Brittany picks Joey and he doesn’t even want to get out of his chair and walk down to lock in. Host Ryan asks what’s going on, and Joey explains “she’s really, really, really on to Adam.” Host Ryan asks Joey if he thinks Brittany and Adam are a match, to which Joey immediately responds “I know they’re not a match.” Host Ryan asks the rest of the group if they agree with Joey and everyone raises their hand. But Brittany still doesn’t get it. I call Delusiona.

We don’t have any last-to-be-picked drama tonight, as Ashleigh and Dre are stuck together, but Ashleigh claims she would have picked Dre had she had the chance. The group has successfully made ten different pairings from last week’s first ceremony. That means they can only get a maximum of eight correct pairings, but they’ll know that any matches they get this time will be different than the two they had right last week. Here are the pairs:

Jacy & John
Jessica & Dillan
Paige and Chris T.
Simone & Scali
Shanley & Adam
Coleysia & Wes
Amber & Ethan
Brittany & Joey
Kayla & Ryan
Ashleigh & Dre

In the end, they find out they have four correct pairings this round, with another eight chances at the million dollars still remaining.

Episode 3 opens with the usual post-ceremony binge drinking, this time made all the more crazy fresh off their four correct matches at the ceremony. Skinny dipping happens, and we learn that Dre is extremely well endowed.

Skinny dipping Chris T. with an innertube
Skinny dipping

Skinny dipping pouring liquor into someone's mouth
Binge drinking in the pool

Dre is hung like a horse 1
Dre’s so big the censor bar takes up half his leg

Dre is hung like a horse 2
Holy shit seriously he shouldn’t be waving that thing around like that

Simone holy crap Dre is hung like a horse
I mean, he is HUGE

Adam interviews that he likes Brittany (sure didn’t seem like it at the Matchup Ceremony), but he’s seriously concerned about how batshit she is. Cut to Brittany alone in the confessional acting completely freaking batshit. Simone and John are talking again which doesn’t seem smart. She’s still pretty upset. Paige has an awkward chat with Chris T. and Chris Scali.

Paige with Chris and Chris
At least I’ll always yell out “Chris!”

It’s the next day and the house is TRASHED. I have seen some filth in my day, but this place is just nasty. Thankfully everyone pitches in and they get it cleaned up pretty fast.

Pigsty 1
Totally disgusting

PIgsty 2
Twenty drunks make a LOT of dishes

That leaves Brittany time to talk strategy with Dre and Amber while Dre rubs Amber’s back. Brittany still refuses to believe anything other than she and Adam are a match. It’s really disconcerting. Even if a computer algorithm said he was my match, I wouldn’t want to be with him if I were her anyway. She is seriously messed up.

Getaway Challenge! Today just the men are playing. Host Ryan has ten quotes, with each quote attributable to one of the ladies. After he reveals a quote, all the men jump into the pool to fetch a coconut bearing the name of the girl he thinks said the quote. The top three finishers will win the date.

Getaway Challenge coconuts in the pool
Men only

Getaway Challenge coconuts in the pool 2
Chasing coconuts

Getaway Challenge top ten craziest things
Top 10 Craziest Things the Ladies have Admitted on Camera

1. I have tazed an ex before.  Jacy. Shocker.
2. I’m notorious for hooking up with people’s brothers. Shanley re: frat brothers puke.
3. I don’t believe in God but I do believe in ghosts and spirits. They didn’t say, but I think this is Brittany based on her earlier batshit confessional. How is this the craziest thing they had from Brittany?
4. My favorite sexual position is doggy style because in my head it’s helping my butt get bigger. Simone. Hilarious.
5. I have stalked someone but I considered it recon. Coleysia, who til now has been pretty quiet. She says she has a tendency to sleep outside of people’s houses, in shifts with other stalkers. Yikes.
6. I backstabbed an ex by immediately hooking up with an NBA player. Kayla. I wonder who.
7. I don’t have a greatest life failure because I simply don’t fail. Paige. Good luck with life, Paige.
8. The most unusual place I have had sex was in a National Park during the intermission of my ballet recital. Amber.
9. The worst date I have ever been on was to Denny’s and to top it off my date forgot his wallet. They didn’t say, but by process of elimination this must be Ashleigh, who we’ve heard very, very little from or about yet.
10. I have peed on someone in the shower before. Jessica. She claims he started it.

John with the leaderboard

Scali won first place by a long shot, with Dre and John tied for second and just barely beating out Wes and Ethan. For winning, Scali gets to pick a girl to take on the date. Remember also, these three pairings are the only three eligible to be voted into the Truth Booth. Am I the only one who’s sad Adam didn’t win so he could take Brittany in there with him once and for all and either run off with her to the honeymoon suite (so unlikely) or at least give her a much needed dose of reality about needing to move on?

Still smarting that Paige picked Chris T. at the last Matchup Ceremony, Scali bypasses Paige in favor of…Kayla? What the?!? Scali interviews that the best way to get Paige’s attention is by showing her what she’s missing…with her best friend in the house Kaya. Icky icky icky. I was starting to sort of like him but this to me is just so manipulative. Ick. Ryan interviews that Kayla is his girl, and that there’s no way Scali and Kayla are a match. Thus by picking Kayla, he’s wasted an opportunity for the entire group to gain more information, and taken away an option for voting into the Truth Booth. The whole thing is just icky.

Dre is next, but there’s a twist. Instead of Dre choosing his date, Host Ryan tells Kayla to pick Dre’s date. Instead of thinking strategically, Kayla immediately picks Paige as Dre’s date. I guess I’d be reeling from the shock of Scali picking me at that moment too, but wow now they’ve effectively taken two of their three options for the Truth Booth off the table. ?!?  Dre’s pretty pissed.

Paige is now in charge of picking John’s date, which basically boils down to deciding who to send into the Truth Booth with John. She doesn’t hesitate before picking Simone. Well at least these two crazy kids will have their answers tonight, huh. But now we have to watch yet another insanely awkward group date, where people want to be with different people and there’s a lot of yucky tension. The six are going to be tubing down a lazy river than runs through some caves for them to explore, and then having a picnic. Joy.

Back at the house, the fallout from the competition ensues. Coleysia is pissed at Dillan for saying she’s the one who peed on someone in the shower. He’s trying to defend himself saying she’s the only name he hadn’t used. I probably would have gone with “Baby, I’d much rather you pee on me in the shower than sleep in shifts outside my house.” They’re really starting to bond, though, which is especially surprising given Dillan’s insensitivity at the first Matchup Ceremony.

Dillan is pissed he's stuck with Coleysia
It’s killing me to stand here with you

Dillan interviews that hearing she’s a stalker is definitely a red flag, but without all the details he’s not going to bail. Cut to Coleysia digging the hole deeper, trying to explain to Dillan that it was just reconnaisance, using sight to gather data…she should stop talking. That’s just actual straight up stalking. I want to like her! I think he does too.

Scali’s cooking in the kitchen when Paige ballsily strides in and asks him why he didn’t pick her for the date. He asks “You think I didn’t want to pick you?” while interviewing that Paige is the kind of girl he’s going to need to play a serious game with. Ick! He gets all cryptic, telling her she’ll understand when he finally tells her why he picked Kayla instead of her, but he can’t tell her now. Ugh.

Paige asks Scali why he didn't pick her
Why didn’t you pick me?

Scali master manipulator
I find f#@king a woman’s mind to be just as fun as f#@king her body

Elsewhere, Jacy and John are cross-dressing and partying it up. They’re making out in the hall when Simone catches them and freaks out. I’m really happy they’re likely heading to the Truth Booth so we can end this storyline.

Jacy and John two peas in a pod
Quite the pair, these two. John’s the one in the dress.

The next day, the tubing date looks super fun. Then Scali creeps me out again, talking about how Paige is next to him the whole time, watching him make her best friend melt. ICK! Back at the house, Ethan is getting to know Amber, telling her about an accident he had two years prior where he broke his legs in ten place and blew out his knee. They told him he’d never walk again, but I haven’t even noticed so way to go Ethan.

The challenge losers decide to vote in John and Simone, and then we head back to the really weird date. Dre takes Paige away from the group and Scali immediately jumps all over Kayla. Poor Dre, he thinks he’s actually on a date with Paige but she’s only there for Scali. As Dre and Paige get back to the picnic, Scali is feeding Kayla a strawberry. Ick! John and Simone have a little talk about the imminent Truth Booth. Boring.

Getaway Picnic in the park
Awkward Picnic Photos

Scali and Kayla making Paige jealous

Dre and Paige on the getaway date
Paige has no idea what Dre is even saying she’s so crazed

After the date while waiting for the Truth Booth voting results, Simone and Jacy get in a serious catfight. They have to be physically kept apart.

Chris T holding Jacy back
Oh look, there’s a fight and Jacy’s involved

Simone pointing fingers at Jacy
Pre-Truth Booth jitters

John in dress with vodka
All this over this dude. I don’t get it.

Host Ryan comes in and sends Simone and John on their way. 17 tv minutes later we learn their fate.

Simone and John in the Truth Booth
Simone & John Jacobs?

John and Simone are not a match
Not a match

I am SO glad that’s over with. Simone is heartbroken. Jessica points out that they clearly have no idea what they’re doing. Coleysia finds Simone crying in the bathroom and gives her a pretty great pep talk. Everyone gets drunk. Although at this point I’m not even sure I need to keep typing that for you to know.

Simone cries to Coleysia
I’ll never eat french fries with ice cream again

Jacy tells John how relieved she is that he and Simone weren’t a match. Paige confronts Scali in the kitchen in front of everybody. Liquid courage for the win. He’s all smooth while she just screams at him. Then he grabs her and kisses her in front of everybody – “there, now everybody knows” – before heading upstairs. As he’s interviewing that he knew she’d follow, she chases up after him and they become a we in some random closet. Apparently I’m in the minority as to whether or not this was too manipulative to be awesome. And I will hand it to him that it seemed to work like a charm. For now. What do you think?

Paige calls out Scali in the kitchen
Screw you for picking my friend!

Scali has a plan
I am playing you like a fiddle

Paige after her kiss from Scali in the kitchen
What the f#@k was that?!?

Paige yells at Scali in the closet
I must have you

Chris S Paige poll
65% think Scali’s alright

Everyone’s getting drunker and hooking up. Amber and Ethan are making out. Brittany is all over Adam and he’s ridiculously decides to go have sex with her. Adam! What are you thinking!!! He deserves everything she dishes out for doing stupid things like sleeping with her still. Ugh!

Adam and Brittany in the Romper Room
Alcohol actively impairing judgment

It’s before the matchup ceremony and the guys will be picking. The girls are trying to talk them through some strategy but they only want to pick based on hormones still. Dre points out that the men were selected for the ladies, so what they themselves are looking for in a woman isn’t nearly as important as what the ladies are looking for in a man. Finally they’re thinking!

Men's night at the Matchup
Good luck!

Dillan is first, he chooses Coleysia. They’re really hooking up, it’s very cute. John is up next, but instead of picking Jacy he picks Jessica. What?!? Jacy is devastated. John says he picked Jess because she’s not into the drama. I wonder if he just did it for strategy and they’re not saying. Next up is Ryan, who sticks with Kayla. He thinks they were one of the four correct matches from last week.

Ethan comes up next; he’s all about Amber. Dre picks Ashleigh, which seems like it may work out since we haven’t heard a whole lot about either of them. Shanley says Ashleigh’s only excited cuz she saw Dre skinny dipping. I’d just be scared. Chris T. picks Simone, who interviews that she doesn’t want anything to do with someone who is dating Shanley. Adam is next and holy shit he picks Brittany! What the hell!

Adam picked Brittany at the Matchup wtf
What are you thinking!

Scali picks Paige before Host Ryan even finishes asking. On to Joey (seriously who?) who picks Shanley, leaving Wes and Jacy as the last match. That makes the pairings as follows:

Dillan & Coleysia
John & Jessica
Ryan & Kayla
Ethan & Amber
Dre & Ashleigh
Chris T. & Simone
Adam & Brittany
Scali & Paige
Joey & Shanley
Wes & Jacy

Host Ryan points out that five of the pairings are repeats: Adam & Brittany, Dillan & Coleysia, Dre & Ashleigh, Ethan & Amber and Ryan & Kayla. Then he tells them that they only have two matches correct. Ouch. They’re actually getting worse at this game. With two right the first time and four the next using all different matches, they’ve correctly matched six couples at some point already. To go back down to only two right this week is pretty disappointing. I wonder how they’ll handle it.

Just kidding they’re drinking. They’re pretty concerned about how much they suck at the game. Amber confronts Brittany about Adam, asking Brittany if she seriously still thinks they’re a match. Brittany is unwavering. Wes chimes in, saying he’s talked with both Adam and Brittany, and “y’all are not a match.” I hope they put Adam & Brittany in the Truth Booth soon. Ryan tries a different approach, telling Brittany to pick someone else solely for strategic reasons. She still refuses to be with anyone other than Adam. Batshit.

Oh hey it’s Dre and Ashleigh! We’ve never really talked with either of them, other than that display of Dre’s very, very scary manhood and his bad date with Paige.

Dre and Ashleigh
Meet Ashleigh and Dre

Dillan is in the kitchen cooking when Coleysia wanders in. Coleysia can’t cook, so Dillan kicks her out. They’re really adorable together. I’m glad they’re getting past their initial awkwardness.

Dillan and Coleysia are really adorable
Could this be a match?

It’s the Getaway Challenge, and this one is a doozy. Host Ryan dubs the challenge “Karma’s a Bitch,” just before a van pulls up with all of the men’s ex-girlfriends in it.

Vanful of exes
Way scarier than the scariest clown car

Exes lined up before challenge
You can almost see the bitterness

The girls get five minutes with each of the exes to ask whatever they want, but the exes aren’t going to say who they dated – that’s for the girls to figure out. The four ladies who match the most guys to their ex win the date.

The men head inside, but they’ll be watching this all go down on the big screen. It’s…really uncomfortable. We learn that Adam is shallow (yeah, had that figured out already) and that he lets his mom give him spray tans. Scali’s girl is still in love with him. Ryan gives awful gifts like gas masks, tie-dye kits and jumper cables. Dre’s girl says they were together a month ago and that she’ll always be his number one. Jessica asks her if she has psycho bitch tendencies. Love.

Dillan’s ex is way still in love with him. Chris T. cheated, although he claims he was set up. John’s girl says they’ll be back together soon. It’s all seriously twisted – I don’t think giving an ex-girlfriend a platform to publicly air grievances is worth $50K personally, but everyone makes it through and the girl set to work matching the men with their exes.

Exes challenge Simone
Such a very weird day

The guys come back out and it’s still really awkward. It totally reminded me of my own wedding some years back. My ex-husband’s dad ran off with his mom’s best friend, so our seating chart involved putting my family smack dab between all that so no one came to blows. Thank God for the open bar. Or maybe that was a bad idea; I wouldn’t know I was kind of drunk. Robot Jessica blew everyone away again with eight out of ten correct. Brittany came in second with six, with Jacy and Kayla rounding out the top four with five correct answers. The dates, and thus the couples eligible for the Truth Booth, shake out like this:

Jessica & Dillan
Jacy & Wes (huh?)
Kayla & Ryan
Brittany & Adam

As much as I want to see if Kayla and Ryan are a match, this Brittany crazy has to stop if they’re going to win the money so I’d rather they went to the Truth Booth. Alas, it’s not up to me; it will be up to the challenge losers to decide while the winners take a drunken train ride around a plantation. Oh, and just because the challenge itself wasn’t awkward enough, the exes get to stay and party!

Guys realizing their exes are going to screw them over good
You have got to be kidding me

Naturally everyone is drinking. Kayla and Ryan’s ex are talking and it’s creepy how much they look alike. I have an ex who once thought it would be fun for me to watch a video of him and his ex-girlfriend being very naked. (PSA: It wasn’t.) Aside from just the general creepiness of that particular situation, she looked a lot like me which made it all the more weird. It’s fine if you have a type or whatever, but having it thrown in your face is no good. Ryan walks up and the girls gang up on him enough for him to cut and run.

Kayla is Ryan's ex's Doppelganger

Ryan with his exes
Yeah, f#@k this

Before he took off, he did point out to his ex that she had had an opportunity that day to go up and say nice things about him, and instead she made shit up to make him look bad. I think the whole challenge was a really bad idea, but I’m glad to know that the kids over at Real World EXplosion will have a bigger support group at the MTV reunions.

Coleysia is bonding with Dillan’s ex, who is still completely head over heels for Dillan. Mariah, the ex, says she broke up with Dillan as a wake up call, not because she really didn’t want to be with him. Looks like that backfired. Dillan joins them and Coleysia straight up asks him if he’s still in love with Mariah. He says she’ll always have a special place in his heart, but that he wants to see things through with this process for sure.

Adam and his ex are talking about Brittany when she walks up. Brittany continues to spew her stream of crazy, saying things like “I’m not going to chase you.” Honey, if this is you not chasing, you really, really need help.

The exes finally leave and Dre and Ashleigh are hanging out. Dre cheated on his ex and the other girl wound up pregnant. It turns out the baby wasn’t even his, but being in that situation was horrifying and it convinced him to his very core that that’s not something he ever wants to be involved in again. So basically he’s trying to convince her he’ll be faithful by talking about cheating. Interesting approach.

Time for the Train Date! Ryan brought Kayla a boquet of picked flowers. Adorable. Wes hates seeing the two of them together, at one point hilariously yelling out “Stop! Falling! In Looooooove!!!!” Poor Wes.

Train Ride to Hell
Adam’s trying to get run over

Train Men
Oh look, drinks

Back at the house, the losers are trying to decide who to put into the Truth Booth. This is the first time they’ve been divided and it seems like everyone is voting for someone different. I feel like since they have to work together to win the money, the smartest thing to do here is Brittany & Adam. Brittany’s mental illness must be factored into the equation here. Some of them think it would be a wasted vote since it’s so obvious they’re not a match, but I think getting Brittany’s head clearer would be worth it. Also if they are a match, at least they’ll both be out of the house.

Back at the date, everyone has coupled off and they’re having some chow. Adam mans up and tells Brittany he’s just not interested in her, regardless of the algorithm or the game or whatever. She laughs because she still doesn’t get it. They end up getting into a huge yelling match, disturbing everyone else’s dates.

Brittany and Adam fighting on the train date
Brittany and Adam

Jacy wants to get into the fray
I hear shit going down! How do I get in the middle of it?!?

The date’s over and it’s time to see who’s going into the Truth Booth. Host Ryan asks Adam about the date and chaos ensues. Adam has really had it with the whole Brittany situation. Then why’d you boss her around in the Romper Room last week, jackass? Adam seriously loses it, screaming at the top of his lungs for a full minute about how he can’t stand Brittany and how crazy she is. Such rage. Brittany honestly thinks this is Adam keeping his guard up and wants to chip away at it for the sake of their relationship. I think Adam may need a restraining order.

Brittany and Adam fighting inside
And…Jacy’s right in the middle. Hilarious.

Finally Host Ryan moves on, and we learn that the couple selected for the Truth Booth is…Jessica and Dillan. Ugh! Granted, they may actually be a match, and that would be cool. But this Brittany situation is really out of hand, and I’d love to get Ryan and Kayla out of the mix if they’re a match too. They should let us vote people into the Truth Booth.

Walking to the Truth Booth, Jess further reveals her perfectionism when she says “I just want to get something right at this point.” Inside the house, Coleysia is dying to know. It’s really sweet.

Jessica and Dillan walk to the truth booth
All this failure is killing me inside

Coleysia really wants Dillan to not be Jessica's match
Please don’t be a match! Please don’t be a match!

In the end…

Jessica and Dillan in the Truth Booth
Dillan & Jessica?

Jessica and Dillan are not a match
Not a match

Jessica is really really really really disappointed
All this failure is why I cut

After the ceremony, Adam is talking to Ethan’s Amber. He tells her she was his first choice, but then Brittany happened. He wants Amber to break it off with Ethan so they can see if there’s anything between them. Amber is thrilled; Adam was her first choice too. She talks with Ethan, who is surprisingly cool about it. Instead of fighting for her, which she wanted, he told her he understood why she’d want to explore that connection. Amber runs back to Ryan and they make out.

Amber and Adam connecting in the hall
“Break up with Ethan.” “Okay.”

Adam and Amber kissing
I take the under on how long ’til Brittany kills Amber in her sleep

The next day the group is trying to strategize, but they’re just really not that bright. Someone needs to put down a drink and start figuring this shit out already. Coleysia thought the threat to her relationship with Dillan subsided after last night’s Truth Booth, but it turns out that Dillan has somehow wound up being eight ladies’ top pick. Wow! Coleysia gets all “oh hell no!” saying “Dillan doesn’t have no fan club!” Cue the rest of the ladies, chanting “Dil-lan! Dil-lan! Dil-lan!” Coleysia runs to Dillan who holds her as all the other ladies come up and try and flirt with him. Coleysia pouts. Dillan tells her “don’t worry baby, it’ll be okay.” She asks him to help her pick out her clothes for the Matchup Ceremony, to which he replies “Absolutely not.” Hilarious!

Matchup Ceremony time…it’s ladies choice. Coleysia is first, which is likely the only way she’d get to be with Dillan so phew. Simone picks Dre and Ashleigh is super pissed. Brittany picks Ryan, which, it’s good she’s moving off of Adam, at least for purposes of the game even if she does still watch him sleep. But now Kayla’s upset – Ryan’s her man! Kayla recovers, picking Ethan, which frees up Amber to pick Adam. Everyone knows they’re not even going to come close to the million dollars with picks this screwed up, but they’re anxious to see what happens. The pairings:

Coleysia & Dillan
Paige & Scali
Jess & Wes
Simone & Dre
Brittany & Ryan
Kayla & Ethan
Amber & Adam
Ashleigh & Chris T.
Shanley & John
Jacy & Joey

The one-at-a-time lights light up to reveal…only two correct matches. For the love of Pete, guys. Try harder.

And that’s it for the first four episodes! What did you think? Do you think this is a good show concept, or is it just too much scandal packed into one house full of alcohol? Does MTV have a “When the Fun Stops” alcoholism pamphlet anywhere in the house like they do all over casinos about gambling? They should. Have any favorite pairings? Anyone savvy enough to write some code so we can figure this puzzle out? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Are You The One? returns Tuesday night so check back here Wednesday for a new recap. I’m really happy to be back with TTTV after a short hiatus while my life imploded a bit. I’m really looking forward to sharing this season with you!

See you soon!

– NP

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