Couples Therapy Recap: 99 Problems and a b-tch IS one of them

meltingAuntie Em, Auntie Em!  This lady is melting just like that witch in Oz!

Howdy, Trashmii!  First off, I want to say that I am loving all your comments on these caps.  Hi-larious!  This show is just so deliciously awful, isn’t it?  And it just keeps getting better worse!

As the ep opens, we’re still in Taylor’s (and John’s) hissy fit from last week.  John claims their room is 110 degrees and he just “boiled over”.  Not at 110, you wouldn’t.  Why, you’d barely be tepid.

Taylor says there are 1000 problems with the room/house.  Oy, such drama.  She says she knows she’s “imploding” – well, no she’s not, she’s exploding – and “needs to vent”, so they get Dr. Jenn on the phone.  Taylor tells Jenn this “is not a fit for me”, citing that the house has pea green towels, PEA GREEN, PEOPLE! and she “can’t live like this”.  You’re a D-lister making a pathetic attempt to stay in the public eye by appearing on a third-rate reality show.  You don’t get to choose the towel colors, honey.

As Sada and Kelsey watch in fascinated horror, Taylor, now sitting next to John, goes on to tell Jenn she wants to wake up with “the same latte I can afford in my own home” (so Folger’s then?) and the “same filet mignon” (mmm, ground round!) as in her home.  Then why didn’t she just, oh, stay home?

Apparently reading my mind, Taylor then demands that she be allowed to go home, and Jenn can just come to Vail and treat her there, ending with “the plan is I can have my life the way I want it”.  Not when you’ve signed a contract.

jacketIf it’s so unbearably hot, why is John carrying around A JACKET?

Sada then tries to talk some sense into Taylor, telling her this has a lot to do with John, and now Taylor is making an ass of herself and looks like a diva who’s too good for the rest of them.  Taylor doesn’t respond to Sada.  I think she’s starting to pass out around this point.

Day 4, time for group therapy! First, Jenn tells us there’s no freaking way she’s treating Taylor in Vail.

Jenn opens the session by saying in her 20 years of practicing in Beverly Hills, “I have never seen such an entitled tantrum”.  She then goes on to enumerate the various abuse Taylor says she suffered in the past, and claims Taylor is tough, so she wouldn’t be brought “to your knees” by green towels or lattes.  Yes she would, because she’s a drama queen and a big ol’ drunk.

Taylor says “people aren’t getting fed”.  But this tantrum was right after they went to dinner.  Plus these people eat all the time.  She then says she’s not “asking for caviar, I want to eat something better than the public school system”.  Really? What we see some of the gals eating later is grilled salmon and a delicious-looking salad, not fish sticks.  (Disclaimer:  “fish sticks” used for comparative purposes only, no insult to the American Fishing Industry is intended).

clams!Speaking of, I had these the other night.  Delicious!

John talks about the heat leading to a meltdown, and says Taylor “senses my impatience”.  From what I saw, she brought plenty of her own impatience to the table.

dickAlso, I’m a lawyer, so that automatically makes me a d-ck.

Ah, time for the first waterworks of the day.  Taylor claims she “already had reality TV kill one person in my life and now he’s (John) is spinning out of control and my career is killing someone else again”.

Couple of thoughts here:  first, reality TV didn’t kill Russell, Taylor did (or contributed to it by talking about the alleged abuse publicly, thus driving him to despair).  John isn’t spinning out of control – he’s just a pompous jackass.  Third, since when does Taylor have a career, much less one that can kill people?

lattesLadies and gentlemen, the best of American plastic surgery.

Jenn says she’s worried about John establishing a dynamic where he’s in charge and Taylor won’t speak up for herself.  When, in any TV show Taylor has ever been on, has she failed to speak up for herself?  All she does is talk about her precious feelings.  All. The. Time.

At no point does Jenn or Mike Dow, the other therapist in the room, or anyone else for that matter address the real issue – Taylor was stinking drunk.  Not that she’s much better sober, but still.  Wouldn’t a professional therapist who calls themselves “Dr.” mention the elephant in the room?

pinkI — I — ushed ta bee on Real Houzwivz of Bev – bev – HILLS and I waz a shtar, babee.  Hic.  A shtar!

Nope, I guess not, cause we’re on to Kelsey now.  Jenn asks if she’s afraid if she doesn’t go along with Ghost he will find someone who will?  Kelsey says he’ll do what he wants anyway.  Mike butts in to reiterate that Ghost isn’t ok with Kelsey’s past.  There’s more discussion of stripper vs. prostitute, and Farrah (who should know!) tells Ghost those are not the same thing.  Ghost now refers to his relationship, repeatedly, as having “bagged” Kelsey. Kelsey tells Ghost she loves him, he says they’ve only been together a total of about 100 days, so how can that be possible.  Kelsey leaves the room.  Jenn asks if Ghost wants to follow Kelsey, and he says no, so Mike goes after her.

bangingWHY OH WHY did I not go out with Kanye when he asked?

Commercial.

We’re back with Mike and Kelsey.  She says she feels she’s been misled by Ghost, he told her he loved her but obviously doesn’t mean it.  She needs Ghost to not judge her and show he means what he says.  Mike very emphatically says the objective is to see if Ghost can treat Kelsey the way she deserves to be treated.  Are we going to treat everyone on this show the way they truly deserve to be treated?  Please say yes!

Back in the room, we’re focusing on Back Door Teen Mom.  Aw, she feels like she’s over-accommodating to men.  Shocker!  Taylor, whom I totally believe is still drunk from the night before, tells the group she “sees to much of Farrah in me as a young girl”.  Farrah snaps back she didn’t appreciate Taylor’s remarks the night before.  To quote Farrah, “I work my ass off”.  I think we all knew that already, Back Door.  Taylor says the list of things Farrah says she’s doing “starts to smell like bull”, like she’s trying to make the world love her for that, going on to say that she cares for Farrah and wants to “shake you and say don’t be me”.  Farrah may be many unpleasant things, but you, Taylor, she is not.

remindmeDon’t be me!

entreneurHey, I have a talent.  It’s in my ass, but still.  It’s a talent!

Farrah tells Taylor this is supposed to be a place to “be open and not have hatred”, and Taylor looks gobsmacked.  Or maybe that’s just the drugs kicking in.  Jenn then tells Farrah that wasn’t an attack, and Farrah pushes people away.  Oh great, now Farrah’s “crying”, saying she’s not uncaring. I’d be more impressed if she actually were crying.  Edina Monsoon cries more than this chick.

squishSquish, squish, sweetie darling!

Commercial.

We’re back, to Ghost and Kelsey talking.  She tells us she’s hoping for a solid relationship one day.  Later, Whitney, Sada, Kelsey and Farrah are talking.  The gals tell Kelsey the “bagging” comments were awful, and she maintains she’s seen something better in Ghost.  Dream on, sister.

Now it’s the next morning or later that day or something.  I lost track.  Farrah, Sada and Whitney are eating what looks like lunch, but didn’t they just do that?  I guess sitting around all day doing “therapy” makes people really hungry.  They’re talking about Tia Tequila, a friend of the couple.  Farrah snottily asks doesn’t Tia Tequila do porn?  Sada says don’t you do porn? to which Farrah prissily remarks “I’m not in that industry”, claiming it was just a sex tape that leaked.  Oh yes, she sold the rights to Vivid because if she didn’t, then she wouldn’t get any money from it!  It was “not a happy situation”, but you’ll be pleased to know Back Door is “moving on and being strong”.

farrah-abraham-sex-tapeRight . . . cause everyone who makes a casual sex tape with their boyfriend has professional makeup, hair, manicure, spray tan and lighting.

Sada tells us Farrah wants to be Kim K., but she’s not.  HAHAHAHAH

Sarah comes around to tell everyone a new couple will arrive that night.  Farrah says a gay (male) couple would be nice, and makes sure to tell us how tolerant she is, saying unlike everyone else who is hard to please, she’s welcoming.  Especially if they approach her from behind.

Here comes People’s Douche of the Year Emeritus, to the tune of some Showdown at the OK Corral-type Western music.   Nice touch, producers!  He tells us that Kate emasculated him (shocker!), then when she decided to leave him, he didn’t feel it was “morally fit” to continue filming.  He conveniently omits to say that was a breach of his contract with TLC.

steinbergHey, I didn’t know David Steinberg was an attorney!

Liz says she has 3 kids of her own and doesn’t like it when Jon reverts to his old patterns.  As you’ll see, there’s a reason for that.  Spoiler alert:  Kate 2.0.  Worse, actually.  I don’t think Kate drinks all that much.

boilermakerDo you know any good bars around here?  By “good” I mean sawdust on the floor, peanuts on the bar, dim lighting, and boilermakers.

The couple tour the house, to the whispers of “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ from the other residents.  They get to meet the other participants.  As you’d expect (because she’s done it before), Taylor doesn’t like Jon and Liz’s clothes.  They are essentially sweats, so no, they’re not dressy or anything.  In fact, they look pretty slobby.  But still.

articlesGood times!

Commercial.

Jon and Liz are still meeting people.  Taylor barely looks at Jon.  He says they’ve met before on Night of a Million Reality Stars, and she snaps back at him there were a lot of people there.  Really, Taylor?  Jon is the only person who knows what you’re going through, cause he’s been there – is there.  Great going to snub the one person who could actually be some help to you, and vice versa.  Also, super rude.  Bitch.

clothesYeah, we’re wearing sweats and have our original faces.  So sue us.

Sada tells Jon she watched the show, and says Aidan is her favorite of his kids.  Talk turns to therapy, and Liz says she’s “probably going to get run into the ground” and feels “bad because I come off so mean all the time”.  Jon, Mr. Codependent, claims she’s just “blatantly honest”.  Brutally too, I expect.

cute!I love these gals.

Commercial.

Jon tells us that to compare Kate and Liz is like comparing apples and oranges.  I say he’s clearly never seen apples and oranges.  He says Kate doesn’t like anyone who comes into his life, and Liz says Kate does nothing but judge.  Jon is damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t with Kate, apparently.  Liz then snaps at him “don’t make the victim face”.  Jon walks away to play pool.

Time for therapy with Jenn.  Jon walks into the room ahead of Liz, which makes her complain.  Great job picking a girlfriend, pal.

Jenn asks about their history.  They met in a parking lot, but really met in a bar afterwards (why am I oh, so not surprised?), and then went home together.  Oh but wait, all they did was hug.  Liz goes on about hugging being weird or stupid or something, and Jon retreats into himself.  Liz says she “didn’t expect Jon Gosselin on my couch” (well, in fairness, who does?), and Jon says he doesn’t like it when she refers to him that way.

Liz ignores him and keeps going on, argumentative and hostile, accusing him of playing the victim.  Jon says he doesn’t see himself as “Jon Gosselin”, and Liz again just keeps talking.  She’s a real ball-buster, isn’t she?

Jenn interrupts to tell Liz Jon just said she was doing something that upset him, and her response was to diminish his feelings.  Liz starts to say she can’t relate, and Jenn cuts her off to say she doesn’t have to relate, she has to have compassion.  This seems like a new concept to Liz.

rethinkPortrait of a man who is – or should be – rethinking his life choices.

Liz then goes on something about seeing Jon in a restaurant interacting and thinking “who the f are you”.  He’s a public figure, for better or worse, sweetheart.  You knew that when you met him.

Jenn changes the subject, and asks where Jon sees this heading.  He wants to get married “really bad”, while Liz says she doesn’t.  She says Jon’s so needy, she feels she could be anyone, he just wants anyone.

Jon shares this is a make it or break it time for them.  Buddy – break it off.  Now.

Commercial.  Nighttime now, and Whitney and Sada decide to check out Back Door’s alleged amateur sex tape.  They conclude it clearly was professionally produced, and Farrah’s lying to create a victim narrative.  Whitney says she guesses you can “be godly and still wanna suck d-ck”.  Yes, Whitney.  That’s the entire Republican Party.

craigCase in point.

So that’s it for this week.  Next week, Sada confronts Farrah, Whitney and Sada have a fight, and Liz walks in on Jon getting friendly with his “plus 8″.  Join me back here for that, won’t you, and don’t forget to check out my Sister Wives recaps, too!  See you then!

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