The Bachelor Recap: Come Juan, Come All

Greetings, Trashies! Welcome to another exciting(ish) season of The Bachelor. The night before the premier, ABC gave us The Countdown to Juan Pablo. It was really pretty pointless, aside from a touching memorial tribute to Gia Allemand. I’m not even going to snark on that. It was lovely.

OK, so let’s get into the stuff that we can snark without feeling like awful people! Is anyone else pissed off that ABC decided to use the term Juan-uary. Shut up, ABC. That’s not even a clever pun.

They hired writers to come up with this shit.

The opening is the same old Bachelor opening. Juan Pablo is shirtless, he talks about how he’s ready to find love, he thinks he’ll find his wife here, etc. Soccer was the love of his life until his daughter Camila was born. Since she was born on Valentine’s day, her full name is Camila Valentina. Juan Pablo (would it be OK if I just call him JP from here on out?) tells us that his baby mama is still a great friend. They were together for two years, but it just didn’t work out. Anyone want to take bets on JP and the former Mrs. JP getting back together once this show is over? It seems that’s how these things always work on dating reality shows. Hell, it even happened for Flavor Flav.

After three seasons of Flavor of Love, that ring is probably covered in herpes. 

JP knows that it’s pretty groundbreaking that he’s the first non-white Bachelor. Well, kind of, but that’s a discussion for a sociology course. Anyway, he tells us that he speaks “the language of love.” Or, you know, the “language of unbelievably desperate women.” JP’s whole family comes to LA to help support him though this entire process. I can’t imagine my parents being supportive if I were on a show like this. Don’t get me wrong, my family and I are very close. However, they love me enough to say, “PopePhilly, this is a really stupid idea. Knock it the fuck off!”

I will admit that the time JP and Camila spend at the amusement park is ridiculously adorable. Just try looking at this and not smiling:

My ovaries just exploded.

Although JP loves his daughter very much, he wants to find a woman to share the rest of his life. He separated once. He doesn’t want to do it again. Perhaps going on The Bachelor isn’t the best way to do that. Hell, it took them 17 season to finally find a couple who even started planning a wedding after the show. There are some more voiceovers and some JP shirtless time. This is the most boring intro ever.

JP is scared of this process so the producers he made a call to Sean because he’s still under contract with ABC he knows what this situation is all about. Really? Sean? Can I be done with him already? I recapped his season and his stint on Dancing with the Stars. Apparently, the universe is trying to kill me with a Sean Lowe overdose.

sean's ankles
So, how do I look sad when I eliminated the crazies?

They talk a lot but don’t say really much of anything of substance. JP is bad with names, Sean tells him it’s best to just be honest. Sean does give some decent advice – don’t kiss one woman in front of the others. Sean did that once and all the ladies got really pissed off. He goes on and on about how he developed strong feelings multiple women at the same time. If you remember, Sean was telling Lindsay that he could imagine marrying here less than 24 hours before he proposed to Catherine.

OK, Sean says something kind of sweet. He and Catherine got engaged in Thailand, rode off into the sunset on an elephant, and it was all over-the-top romance. However, he didn’t realize how much he really loved her until one night when his dogs got sprayed by a skunk and they were administering a tomato juice bath at two in the morning. Granted, he probably should have realized this before he proposed, but this is reality TV. What else can we expect?


And Chris Doucherson and his talking hands (since Itchy mentioned it in the comments, I can’t unsee it – also, Chris Harrison’s Talking Hands is going to be the name of my new band) introduce us to JP and tell us his back story. Did you know he has a daughter? I had no idea until Chris brought it up just now. Since this is a new season, we’ve got a new drinking game! First rule, drink every time JP says something like, “I’m doing this for my daughter.”

Why are we going to spend some time with some of the women before actually meeting them? First, we have Chelsie who is a science educator. Really? Who says that? Sweetie, just say “science teacher” like the rest of the world. I wonder if she isn’t really a teacher. Maybe she just stands on a street corner and shows old Bill Nye the Science Guy videos to passersby.

teacherAt least 50% less pretentious. 

Chelsie is boning up on her Spanish so JP will want to bone up on her. It’s kind of cute, but I’m still annoyed by the whole “science educator” thing.

Renee, a real estate agent, is up next. She is a very outdoorsy woman, but the love her life is her son Ben. They do some typical mother and son stuff and it’s all rather boring. Renee tell us that she is excited to meet JP because they have a lot of stuff in common. She never says what any of those common interests are. I assume she’s talking about the fact that they’re both single parents. I don’t know if that really counts as “having something in common.” That would be like me going up to a guy with brown hair and saying, “Hey! We have a lot in common.”

Andi tells us that she’s a gang prosecutor. Her caption says “assistant district attorney.” I guess she’s in charge of handling all the gang related crimes. Why do women on this show always try to glamorize their job titles? Assistant DA is pretty damn impressive already.  Anyway, Andi likes that the defense is always surprised when she walks into the courtroom. In other words, she knows she’s hot. To drive this point home, we get a shot of the defense attorney giving Andi a really rapey look.

restraining orderHell, want a restraining order on this guy and I’ve only seen him on TV.

Amy J. (her caption gives us a last initial, so I’m assuming there will be more than one Amy) gets the spotlight next. Apparently, Jennifer Aniston is her style icon.

“I want to be Juan Pablo’s lobster!”

Amy is a massage therapist, but considers herself to be an artist when it comes to the human body. Unfortunately, none of her past boyfriends have ever wanted a massage from her. I’m pretty sure that means she’s not very good at her job. Then she’s in the kitchen telling JP that she made him breakfast…and does the “here comes the airplane” thing that one would do to toddlers.

what the actual fuck
She’s going to bring the batshit crazy this season, isn’t she?

Oh, it gets better. Amy collapses moaning just saying his name. Yeah, she’s going to be “that one.”

Nikki is a pediatric nurse. She doesn’t want to settle. She’s quite boring. She has some pretty great #BachelorHair. So, that’s a plus.

Lauren H. (another one who likely has a name twin), we learn, is a mineral coordinator. She’s still suffering from a broken heart. She met a man a little over a year ago, they got engaged, and six weeks later he called her at work to break up with her. How the hell does that timeline work? Did they get engaged on the first date? That aside, this woman is fresh off a broken engagement. The Bachelor is probably not the place for her to go on the rebound. Then again, The Bachelor is probably not the place to go for any reason whatsoever.

Valerie is probably going to be the bitch of the season. That’s all I get from her.

Lacy looks a lot like Lindsay from last season. She is from a family of 13 – 9 of which are special needs. When she was 20-years-old, she opened her first elderly care facility. What?! At 20? At 20 I was just counting down to my 21st birthday so I could go to the bar. I find this a little hard to believe. There is no way a 20-year-old is able to run a nursing home. I’m thinking that first “elderly care home” she opened was her letting her grandmother sleep over at her house one night.

And they stayed in her backyard tree house.

Clare is honest about her occupation as a hairstylist. She thinks she has an advantage because she’s part Mexican. Her father had brain cancer, but, before he died, he made a DVD for Clare’s future husband to watch. Does anyone else find that a little bit creepy?

OK, it’s time for the real introductions. Before the ladies arrive, Chris informs JP that the response to him being The Bachelor was so big that they opened up casting…to a whole two more people. Instead of the usual 25 women, JP will have 27 to choose from. I’m not sure if that’s really true. It seems that the women didn’t know who the Bachelor would be until they were already cast. Did ABC just anticipate a large response? I call shenanigans. There’s no time for analyzing this, because the ladies arrive. Here they are:

Amy L. – local news reporter

stuff and things

 There’s a little small talk, a hug, and I yawn. Wow. That was boring.

Cassandra – former NBA dancer

stuff and things

Really? Her job title is “former NBA dancer”? I don’t think you can list something as your occupation if it’s not something you do anymore. I do laugh very hard when we actually hear crickets as they run out of things to talk about after “how are you?”There’s some awkward laughter. At least Cassandra acknowledges that it’s uncomfortable. There may be hope for this one yet.

Christy – marketing manager


Christy…has on a tiara. That’s all I got.

Christine – police support specialist


“Police support specialist” sounds like another made up job title. I’m going to guess that she answers phones at the local sheriff’s office three days a week. On plus side, Christine is the first woman to acknowledge that JP has a daughter. She brought Camila a name bracelet as a present. I’ll admit that it was thoughtful, but it’s potentially quite weird. I can just imagine the conversation. “Hey, sweetie, one of the 27 women that I’m dating got you a present. No, she’s not going to be your new mommy. In fact, I sent her home an hour ago.”

Nikki – pediatric nurse


I’m sure you remember nurse Nikki from 15 minutes ago. She brought along a stethoscope so JP can listen to her heart and hear how nervous she is. I think it’s just an excuse to get him to touch her boobs.

Kat – medical sales rep


Kat gets JP to show her a few salsa moves. It’s still pretty boring, but it’s better than Cassandra and her crickets. JP thinks Kat smells good. I think the hair extensions on the back of her head look like shit.

Chantel – account manager


Chantel gives JP a little lesson in how to pronounce her name and then impresses him by correctly pronouncing his. I guess it doesn’t take much to impress JP.

Victoria – legal assistant


Victoria is from Brazil. She’s speaks a little Spanish and JP speaks a little Portuguese. I kind of want just one scene where they only speak in their first languages. I would pay good money to see that train wreck.

Lucy – free spirit


“Free spirit” is not an occupation. Lucy is just unemployed.

Danielle – psychiatric nurse


Danielle “has a present for [JP] inside.” Is it a blow job? I bet it’s a blow job.

Lauren S. – music composer

Lauren S

I wonder if Lauren here is really paid to compose music. I’m thinking she has a degree in musical composition, but pays her bills by working at the local Dairy Queen. Anyway, she is the first somewhat crazy entrance. She rides up on her piano bike and places a “song” for JP. I call BS on the composer job title. Any good composer knows that this is a piece. Songs have lyrics. Anyway, Lauren screws up while playing (which probably wouldn’t have been that noticeable had she not pointed it out). Also, she forgets to actually introduce herself to JP and he has to run inside and ask her name. Hey, at least this one was somewhat interesting.

Chelsie – science teacher (I refuse to use the ridiculous “science educator” crap)


Chelsie proposes a little science experiment. She hands JP some test tubes and babbles for a bit. Then, she says, “How about, instead of doing chemistry, we just have chemistry?” JP smiles awkwardly while Chelsie laughs her head off. I’m sure this pun sounded great on paper. In practice, well, I’m just embarrassed for the poor girl.

Valerie – personal trainer


Valerie wore cowboy boots and…OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER TOOTH!!!

The show’s first ever vampire contestant.

Elise – first grade teacher


Elisa is rocking some pretty awesome helmet hair. I can smell the Aqua Net through my television. She doesn’t say anything other than “hi.” Can I go take a nap now?

Ashley – grade school teacher


This season’s Ahsley quota is now filled (because there is always an Alshey)! She has the voice of a phone sex operator, but she teachers grade school. She brought JP a gold star because that’s what she gives her students when they’re doing something right. This interaction just has “porno plot” written all over it.

Clare – hairstylist


Clare’s been busy since we last saw her at the beginning of the episode! No, she’s not really pregnant. She just knows JP wants to have more kids one day, so she stuffed a pillow under her dress. I’m kind of curious about her thought process when it came this. She likely told her friends and family she’d be doing this and then must have told her it was a good idea. I don’t think Clare’s friends actually like her.

Alli – nanny


Alli gets some bonus points for actually recognizing JP’s soccer accomplishments and truly showing that the two of them have something in common. I really can’t make fun of her. I think I like this one. Dammit. That’s death for a recapper.

Amy J. – massage therapist

amy j

Oh, this one again. She just reeks of “coming on too strong.” I’m going to bet that, even at 31-years-old, she’s still the girl that texts a guy 24/7 after one date.

Renee – real estate agent


Renee is still a single mom. She still does not bring up all the things she and JP have in common.

Lauren H. – mineral coordinator

lauren h

It’s Rebound Lauren! She’s out of the limo and into the house in three seconds.

Maggie – personal banker


Maggie has brought a fish hook for JP because he’s the fish she wants to catch. Yes, it’s a bad pun, but at least it’s better than the chemistry one (mainly because Maggie doesn’t laugh like it’s the funniest joke ever told).

Kelly – dog lover


“Dog lover” is not a fucking job. Seriously, I’d have a lot more respect for some of these ladies if they’d just straight up admit that they’re unemployed. On the upside, we’re going to get some cute animal time because Kelly brought her dog Molly. Can we keep Molly and ditch Kelly?

Lacy – nursing home owner


Lacy gives JP and medicine bottle filled with Red Hots to help him when 27 women give him a headache. He eats a handful without knowing what they are. I can’t help but think how funny it would have been if JP were allergic to cinnamon.

Alexis – communications director


Alexis is from Tampa. That’s really all we get.

Kylie – interior designer


Three things about Kylie:
1. I’m pretty sure her hair is a wig. It’s just laying unnaturally on her head.
2. Her bubble gum pink lipstick looks ridiculous.
3. She’s another girl with a job title that I’m pretty sure is fake. I’m guessing she helped a friend rearrange her living room once.

Sharleen – opera singer


Sharleen is from Ottawa, but came here tonight from Germany. She’s an opera singer, and I actually believe this job title. JP won’t shut up about her dress. For some reason, Sharleen says, “That means a lot coming from you.” What? Why does his compliment of her clothing mean that much? Is JP some kind of fashion expert?

Andi – assistant district attorney


Andi and JP just talk about how good looking they are. They are clearly forming a bond that will last a lifetime.

Is that all the ladies? Oh, thank God. I thought that was never going to end. I’m a little sad there were no complete crazies. I feel gipped.

It’s time for JP to go inside and mingle with his harem. Before he does, Chris explains the first impression rose to JP…because no one in the history of this show has ever given out a first impression rose.

Inside, the ladies are talking about JP like he’s a piece of meet. When he finally arrives, there is screaming and cheering. Sharleen gains a few points by giving JP a stiff drink. He’s going to need a lot of those. To ease the tension, JP brings in some music and gets the ladies dancing. Also, there is a photo booth for some reason.

It’s like every wedding I’ve ever been to.

The first one on one time is with Nikki (the nurse). We hear more about Nikki’s profession. They seem to get along pretty well. There’s laughing and there aren’t many awkward pauses. I guess that’s all you can hope for at this point.

Single mom Renee is still trying to push the single parent thing as “lots of stuff in common.” Apparently, JP agrees that this is “a lot in common.” Maybe I don’t know what “a lot” means. Does this show use a different dictionary than the rest of us?

lipstickThey’re also wearing the same color lipstick. JP just has it on his cheek. 

Oh, it’s time to hang out with crazy Lucy! She spends some time invading JP’s personal space and then throws her feet onto his lap. Yes, her bare feet that have been all over the ground and the floor of the house. Ew.

Lucy doesn’t consider any place a home. She’s “just a drifter.” In other words, Lucy is homeless and came on the show in order to have a bed for a few weeks. Then she proclaims that “real hippies don’t wear shoes.”

I can’t imagine “real hippies” wear designer gowns and go on reality TV shows. I guess we’re picking a choosing from the hippy code here.

The crazy continues with Amy J.! For some reason, there is a massage table set up outside the mansion. Why is Amy rubbing the oils on JP’s jacket and shirt? He seems very weirded out by the whole thing. I don’t blame him. Amy is already on the “for the rest of my life” thing. Lady, you’ve known him for a few hours tops!

Tension rises as Chris brings in the first impression rose. JP decides to wait until he’s spoken to more of the ladies. Rebound Lauren  tells us that she deserves a rose because her love life has sucked. Oh, sweetie. Whose hasn’t?

But she’s totally over he ex-fiance.

Maggies tells us that this isn’t just a rose – it’s her future! If she gets a rose tonight, there’s a chance that she could be the next Bachelorette. We all know that’s really the only reason most of these ladies go on this show.

Chelsie and JP go into the photo booth to “document their first hangout” (Chelsie’s words) and JP finally notices the lipstick on his cheek.

photo booth
And she’ll always remember that he had another woman’s lipstick on his cheek during their first hangout. 

Elise and JP and Elise’s helmet hair go off for some alone time. This is when we get her sob story. Her mom passed away about a year ago and Elise feels like she’s guiding this whole process. I hope I don’t spend my afterlife manipulating a reality show.

There’s a big montage of girls complaining that they haven’t had one-on-one time yet. Rebound Lauren is sitting around with pursed lips trying to figure out what to do. I guess she’s “that girl” this season. She’s going to be the one that wants him to come to her. Oh, then she starts crying over her broken engagement. But, remember, she’s totally over it. Rebound Lauren is crying to Ashley who tells us that all the crying is because Lauren has never been in this situation before. Literally none of the other girls have either. I’m not sure what Ashley is trying to say there. Then again, logic isn’t exactly a perquisite to getting on this show.

sitting alone
Rebound Lauren is trying the “sit alone and cry” method that worked so well for Teirra last season.

JP finaly comes to find Rebound Lauren. She explains that she’s usually so positive, but tonight is bringing up some insecurities. Then we hear the breakup story again. Don’t forget, Rebound Lauren is “so over it.” Only someone who’s truly over it would talk about it ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! Somehow, she says that her broken engagement means that she and JP would be a good match. Rebound Lauren tells us that she hopes she didn’t screw up her chances. Oh, sweetie, you totally did.

There’s another montage of women meeting JP. Danielle’s gift was just a teddy bear for Camila, not a blow job. Cassandra, the former NBA dancer, actually has a job – she’s a makeup artist. She points to her own face when she says this. I guess that means she puts on makeup sometimes. Also, she totally didn’t her friend’s makeup for a wedding one time!

My favorite moment is Andi saying that she doesn’t have the patience to read.

Literacy is just so tedious, you know?

JP meets with Sharleen and still just talks on and on and on about her dress. Does he want to own it for himself? Apparently, she lives in the most stereotypical part of Germany where they put a whole sausage on top of their pea soup. Oh, snap! JP excuses himself. We all know what’s happening here. While he’s gone, Sharleen explains that she didn’t feel a connection immediately. That  kind of sucks seeing as JP just went and picked up the first impression rose! When she sees it, Sharleen just says, “Seriously?” JP officially offers her the rose and…


After a few moments, Sharleen gives a half-hearted “sure” and takes the rose. Honestly, it’s refreshing to see her realistic take on this show. Chances are, you’re not going to have instant chemistry with someone you’ve spoken to for just a few minutes while 26 other women are trying to get his attention. Some people just need time for an attraction to grow. Hell, most of the boyfriends I’ve had were not men I was immediately attracted to. That attraction grew as I got to know them better. I’d rather see more people like Sharlene and fewer people like Amy J. and her “I can see waking up to this every day for the rest of my life” bullshit. Of course the other women are all pissed that Sharleen isn’t jumping up and down. I think that just means hat she has a little bit of dignity.

And now, it’s time for the rest of the roses to be handed out! Without further ado, the ladies who are staying are:

Lauren S.
Kelly (and Molly)

And that’s not Kat!

Somehow, Kylie misheard “Kat” as her own name. How the hell do you mix up those two names? Well, I guess this means that either Kylie will get the very next rose or will be going home. I hope it’s the second one. I need a good laugh. Anyway, the rest of the ladies are:

Lucy (I guess the producers told him he had to keep at least one of the crazies for entertainment purposes.)
Amy L.

So, that’s JP’s harem! He could not have found a more boring bunch of women. Granted, no one really stood out tonight (except for Sharleen and her realism). Amy J. laments that JP could have been “the one” and tells us she put herself “out there completely.” She basically flat out says she’s desperate to find a man. Oh, honey, we all know. Kylie was already picturing her life with JP. That’s way too much to invest in someone you’ve known for a few hours.

Oh, Rebound Lauren. She can’t believe that she’s going home tonight. I can! All she did was wine about her ex-fiance. She wants to find her best friend. (Drink! We’re carrying that over from last season.) Then she just sobs, because what else has she done this episode.

That’s it for tonight. Does anyone stand out to you yet? Do you have any suggestions for the drinking game? I have a feeling drinking is what is going to make this season bearable.

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