Sister Wives Recap: West Hollywood Welcomes You, Kody!

pants

Is that a Book of Mormon in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Howdy, Trashmii!  I hear it’s a bit brisk in most of the country.  It’s the same here in LA.  Why, it’s going down to the 40s tonight!  That’s practically sub-zero temps! Brrrr!

This episode is the gayest (closeted) thing ever!

We open with Kody telling us the family has been in transition for nearly four years, and then going on to recap pretty much everything that’s ever happened in this series.  We hear again about the commitment ceremony.  Meri says most polygamists don’t have commitment ceremonies.  Well I think most people in general don’t have them, so whateves.

The adults are off to Emerald at Queensridge, where Kody wants to throw the “party”, and meet with general manager Ken Kimble.  Now first, since the camera was already there, I am pretty sure Ken knew ahead of time who was coming.  Second, he like the rest of the universe, just could not care less how many wives Kody has.  Christine springs “we’re all his wives” on Ken, who responds, “We’re not the church, we’re not the government, we’re capitalists.  We’re here to make money”.  No kidding, the venue rents for over $10K.  Of course, that’s all-inclusive!

nofuckstogiveMan with absolutely no f-cks to give.

In interview, Kody points out that polygamists don’t actually renew their vows, because their vows are eternal and marriages are a spiritual union.  So it’ll be more of a party.  He says he doesn’t want to go cheap on the party, unlike when one of his wives wants a party, and says his reputation is on the line.  Reputation as what?  Frat boy?

Speaking of boys, Kody’s lover “best friend” Brett is coming by with his wife, Ava.  We learn that Kody and Brett served a Mormon mission when they were younger.  During that time, Kody’s father converted to polygamy, and afterwards Brett left the Mormon church.

beardI wonder, does she realize she’s a beard?

Kody, Brett and Sean, Janelle’s trainer, are going to “install” wrestling mats in Janelle’s garage, so she’ll be unable to use that garage for anything else.  Like putting her car in there in the boiling summer sun.  Janelle tells Kody she needs the garage for storage, so Kody asks Christine if he can use her garage.

Christine then asks to speak privately to Kody, and according to Kody says she’ll agree to the mats if he’s a better husband, she gets more time with him and “more grocery money”.  Really?  Grocery money is a quid pro quo in this family?  And why isn’t Kody spending the same amount of time with Christine as with the other wives?  Admittedly, she’s a pain in the ass.  But isn’t there a regular rotation?  Or – is Robyn still getting most of his time?

quid pro quoYeah, you can have your filthy gay sex in my garage, but it’ll cost you more grocery money.

The mats are “installed,” which seems to involve just laying them on the floor (and, inexplicably, partway up the walls).  Kody tells us he’s going to use the mats “daily”.  Hunter says Kody likes reliving his high school wrestling career.  Honey, he’s still living in high school.  Then we see some hot wrestling action between Kody and Brett.  By “hot” I mean gay.  Very, very gay.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).  Get a hotel room, already!

man loveWhat passes for foreplay with Kody and Brett.

man love 2

Why, it’s Wrestling Wednesday at the Mother Lode!

Commercial.

Kody tells us “Brett and I were immediately close, we were kin.  I wouldn’t call it a man crush (no, it’s much more than that!), we just liked each other right from the beginning”.  Aw, kismet!  Brett tells us how he and Kody took different religious paths and how he doesn’t believe in religion at all.  Except, I’m sure, for the Religion of Man-Love.

jizzThat doesn’t look like ice cream to ME.

Meanwhile, Janelle informs us that it’s “imperative” a spouse has friends outside of marriage, and the wives all remind us of Kody’s “Testosterone Tuesday” every week, which they see as a good thing.

Back to Brett, who tells us Kody is his longest-term friend and “best friend that’s a guy”.  Thanks for emphasizing that part!  He perceptively remarks that the move to Vegas seems to be good for the kids, but not for Kody and the wives.

brettWho cares about sharing a religion when you can share bodily fluids?

Kody’s going to take Sean and Brett to do something allegedly exciting.  The wives prepare what look like a million sandwiches (on white bread – super healthy!) and pudding cups, and take Ava to what they call a zoo.  It’s a zoo the way my two cats in the living room are a “zoo”.  There are a few animals in what appears to be 600 square feet, and you can pet them.

cuteThe baby kangaroo is adorable!

Robyn informs the world “no offense to anyone, I’m not an animal person”.  Of course not, little miss delicate would never be able to tolerate real life.  Everyone else gets to pet the baby kangaroo, a snake, and a camel (which they feed by holding carrots in their mouths).

peepeeLook, kids, that’s what Daddy and Brett do with their peepees!

Ava shares that she finds polygamy fascinating.  Clearly she hasn’t been around the Browns often.  Ava says there is some tension with the wives, which is awkward (DUH!) but also some “bonding moments”.

Commercial.

Everyone has dragged the 10,000 sandwiches and pudding cups over to some picnic area, where Ava takes the opportunity to grill the wives.  Really?  She’s never seen this show?

Ava says she at first thought Kody was a “pervert”, which Christine narrowly interprets as “pedophile”, and then says when she met Kody she realized he was “genuine and sweet”.  And gay.  She forgot that part.  Ava remarks that the wives all have a home – a private space – but Kody doesn’t, and asks if he’s not allowed to have a private space.  Janelle says he takes long showers, goes to the gym, and goes out with Brett.  West Hollywood welcomes you, Kody!

Janelle says that polygamous men aren’t a king waiting to be served.  That’s a shocker, for me and for every polygamist in the world!

Ava then goes on to irritate the wives some more, asking why Kody isn’t allowed to show affection to one wife when he’s with several wives?  Christine claims that Kody decided early on he didn’t want to do that (cause they’re not Brett), and the wives weren’t comfortable with it anyway.  Meri snots that they know he’s sleeping with the other wives but “don’t have to have it shoved in your face”.  Especially when you’re secretly a monogamist.

In interview, Ava questions why they would be so bent out of shape if their husband held hands with another sister wife.  Why, indeed.

Meanwhile, Janelle remarks that the wives don’t eat together much anymore, and Christine asks if Janelle wants to hang out more.  Janelle says if it happens spontaneously, and Meri “jokes” “let me check my schedule”.  Janelle also says perhaps they could coordinate more activities that aren’t centered around meals.  Meri then says she “just wants to stay in my home and work on my projects”.  Wow.  She’s really one stone cold bitch, isn’t she?

dontwanttobewithyouI don’t care how lonely and empty-nest I am, I’d rather die alone in my enormous house than socialize with YOU.

Robyn observes that the other 3 wives interact with each other more than with Meri.  Christine asks Meri what she wants to happen, does she want the kids over more once Mariah leaves?  Does she want her space?  Meri mumbles something about not forcing herself on anyone.  Robyn asks if Meri is depressed and says she’s “read about empty nest syndrome”.  Or was told about it by the producers.  Meri says she’s not looking forward to Mariah leaving.  We know, you’ve been telling us that for 2 years now.

And then the crying starts.  Meri tells Christine and Janells she’s “so grateful” for the relationship Mariah has with them and how they raised her with Meri.  She then turns to Robyn and tells her she’s “sorry you weren’t there to have that experience with us”.  All three of the other wives look like Easter Island statues.  There’s no response at all from them, and Janelle actually looks angry.  They usually hide their feelings towards Meri, but it’s now clear they hate her.  As for Meri, what a pompous, self-involved witch.  Remember, Trashmii, these people are yoked together for eternity.

hateyouPure hatred.

stillhateyou

I wish I had a shiv.

Commercial.

Kody has taken the guys not to a bathhouse, as I expected, but to the Stratosphere.  They’re going to jump off the roof.  Brett goes first, and isn’t bothered by the height.  Sean looks a tad pale, but does fine.  Now it’s Kody’s turn, and he jumps in pike position.  Excuse me, my gaydar just exploded.

Commercial.

Kody and the guys are having dinner at the revolving restaurant in the Stratosphere.  Sean tells Kody sometimes he’s talking to Kody and wondering, what wife is in Kody’s head?  Kody seems surprised by that, probably because it’s mostly Brett in his head.

In interview, Christine says when Kody’s around one wife more than another he speaks and acts differently.  Janelle says when Kody talks about certain things she knows what wife he’s thinking about.  Wife – or hot man love?  Janelle and Christine are a tad naive, I think.

Back in the restaurant, Brett tells the men although he and Ava are equals, she trusts him to make the right decision in a disagreement.  Sean says it’s always compromise with him and his wife.  Kody tells us he’s in charge not because of his anatomy but because of his leadership.  Given his complete lack of leadership skills, I assume that means he’s not in charge?

Kody says when the family (Meri, Kody and Janelle) were moving from Wyoming to Utah, Janelle did not want to move.  (If you read the Browns’ book, it’s because Meri was so awful to Janelle, Janelle moved out).  Kody says he backed off and Janelle realized she missed him and followed him to Utah.  That’s apparently an example of his leadership.  Kody says he’s learned if he’s not in charge, a wife is, and he can’t have a wife in charge of other wives.  But a first wife being a complete harridan to the others?  I guess that’s ok.

Back in the restaurant, Kody asks Brett to come to the commitment ceremony.  He shares that Brett came to Kody’s wedding to Robyn and when Brett left, Kody “felt lonely”.  Kody then starts to cry.  For some reason, I Will Survive is running through my head now. . .

hotel keyI just dropped my hotel key into your pocket.  See you later, lover.

cryI could really go for some manscaping and a Cosmo right about now.

Commercial.

We’re now going to meet Andrea, who Meri says is her BFF (despite our not having seen her in the 2 years they’ve lived in Vegas).  Andrea is also an empty-nester, so it’s a friendship based on mutual whining.  They’re going to pick out fabric for a quilt for Mariah.  Mind you, Robyn’s sister made Logan’s blanket last year and could make this one but no, Meri has to do it herself to piss off her sister wives even more.

purpleWe should probably get enough fabric for two quilts.  Kody loves purple!

Then we get to hear yet again that “Kody is not going through the same thing as I am.  I am doing this completely alone”.  YOU LIVE IN A COMPOUND WITH 20 CHILDREN, THREE SISTER WIVES AND A HUSBAND!  THERE IS NO “ALONE”!  Your identity is not tied to your uterus!  Also, if you weren’t such a big effing bitch, you’d get more support, Meri.  Hello! 

So that’s it for our ep this week!  Nothing like The Love That Dare Not Say Its Name coupled with Barely Concealed Hatred.  I can’t wait until next week, when they go to a fortune teller who predicts wife #5.  Anyone think that “wife” will be Brett?

I’ll see you later this week with Couples Therapy, and next week for more hot gay action on Sister Wives!  Join me back here, won’t you?  And bring a rainbow flag!

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