Almost Human – Oh wow, another bomb!

Previously on Almost Human, there were some more crime thingys… and Dorian ran into a version of himself working as a mechanic who has yellow wiring and not blue so we could tell them apart. Wild times. We also learned that MX’s don’t have genetalia and Dorian does. Because i needed to visualize that every time I look at him. (my husband now makes horse noises whenever he comes on the screen. it’s… distracting)

Special thanks to Slickery for covering last weeks episode while I was on vacation, and extra special thanks to Polly for modeling an interpretation of each scene, mostly because adorable doggie tummy and big eyes are far better than a lot of the plot points currently developing on this show.. And in thanks I will return the favor with a picture of my dog/child, Sarkozy, and I will raise the stakes with the addition of my kitty-kat, Waz. They say hi.

sarkozyI’m Dorian, a robot with oodles of personality and charm

wazAnd I’m John, a no-nonsense cop with a dark history

(Yes they’ve both mastered the “please feed me I’m pathetic” look, I promise they’re both well fed and loved) Ok, back to the show. My husband is currently only watching because he’s waiting for the day when all the MX’s turn evil… that’s gonna happen right?

There’s rolling blackouts from a solar flare. Richard the Dick is reading us all in on protocol (he’s the energy marshal, which sounds an awful lot like the adult version of being a hall monitor, LAME). There’s a priority charging system in charging the androids, MX’s get first priority. There’s some banter about how much of a Dick Richard is (WE KNOW) then Dorian walks up to Richard the dick and punches him in the face.

1 faec punchSorry the picture’s blurry, I was too busy clapping to capture the full glory

It’s AMAZING. i have not laugh/yelled that loud in a long time. Dorian is deeply upset that the MX’s have charging priority over him. He delivers some pretty solid wounded to the core faces in this scene by the way.

2 angry sadI HAZ ALL THE FEELZ

Dorian says he has “barely half a charge” (remember that, it comes up later) and blames his crankyness at a low charge. He gets emotional on low batteries. Which seems like a massive design flaw, but sure, let’s take him out in the field anyway.

Sidenote I feel really bad for the actors who play MX’s – they just stand around looking menacing every episode but they’re lucky to get one or even half of a line per episode. Aw. Poor fella’s. Also why are there no lady MX’s? Too busy being sexbots? Not cool, pretty sure there’s a use for robotic female officers (especially ones with empathy skills, wouldn’t they be useful in a hostage negotiation or something? Am I over thinking this show way too much? Sure am… )

Time for the car-o-feelings. Can’t you just plug Dorian into your cigarette lighter? Anyway is cranky about MX’s getting priority charging. Dorian wants his own space, i guess he wants to move out? But since he;s city property he needs to move to a place where he’s supervised. Oh god, he wants to move in with John. This just reminds me of when Bender and Fry moved in together on Futurama. Hope Dorian doesn’t have to cut off his antenna. John refuses to empty out his trophy room for Dorian. Why does he need to, does Dorian need a bed? Can’t he just have a 1×1 square foot cube to stand in? Why does a grown man need a trophy room? John starts telling a rambling story about being a high school superstar athlete and Dorian powers himself down to save power and avoid the long drawn out story (they used to call John the white cheetah since he was so fast. Why white is it a racial thing or was he just a blur of light?). John makes him wake up and starts the story over again. ugh. it’s cute, my husband is in tears over this banter. I’m so done with the car of feelings, there’s way too many feelings in there.

3 powered downEven the actors are having a hard time watching this…

Cut to another scene, hey it’s that guy (he played Felix Gaeta on Battlestar Galactica – because apparently all sci-fi shows are filmed in Canada with the same 10 actors) ) Anyway he’s driving a car talking to his girlfriend on the phone (but not the palm phone again thank goodness for that) – his name is Ramon by the way. Some teenage-looking street kid stops him to wash his car.

5 car washNot sketchy at all, ignore the fact that he’s using an ipad to list his rates…

Then the kid sprays his face with his car washing mister. Then he blacks out and wakes up with a blinking beeping thing strapped to his neck (so, a bomb, this show SERIOUSLY loves bombs).

6 another bombSeriously? ANOTHER bomb?

He gets instructions to play along if he wants to live. There’s a lot of cameras watching him. Fun. We see some dude typing and a little logo that says there are 166 viewers. Well that’s not good.

7 optimistic of youWhy do I feel like live internet murder would have a higher viewership. Is that cynical of me?

There’s a briefcase with a guy next to him, he takes it and goes to the bank where he works. He needs 427,000 credits on a drive (well this show uses bitcoins as a currency but it’s all over the place so I have no idea how much money that amount is comparable to – remember an alleyway carwash costs 10 bits so I’m pretty sure 427,000 can’t be as much as it sounds) we see comments posted by commenters on this weird murderporn website being run by the guy who attacked Ramon. (ugh, commenters, they’re the worst, right guys? GUYS?). Ramon takes the gun and walks into the bank where he tells his nice coworker to give him money. She triggers the silent alarm but gives him the money. He’s in his car, Dorian and John are in pursuit. The guy will die if he pulls over. Side note it appears license plates are now barcodes. awesome.

8 license plateCongratulations prop department, you have captured my attention better than the writing staff. Well done.

John and Dorian manage to shut off Ramon’s car with some sort of EMP ( I’m guessing – they used a blast of blue light that stopped his car, feel free to discuss). They pull Ramone out of the car. Dorian investigates the bomb. Not enough time to diffuse it, they put a shield up and promise to find his killer. Ramon says “tell my wife I..” and explodes. Let’s assume it was “I love her” and not “I was keeping all that porn on my computer for a friend”

9 special friendA very… special friend (PS I miss you Battlestar Galactica)

The bad guy is reading all of the comments on the internet that pretty much say “that was awesome” and “do another one” because even in the future the internet is the worst place for humanity. By the time Ramon blew up there were over 3000 viewers. Swell.

Fentinal Oxide is found on the car, which apparently is what was used on Ramon to make him black out. They find the data recorder, and the bitcoin thingy with all the money on it, interesting. And of course they find all of the cameras. Dorian gets really emotional. I really dig emotional Dorian. Makes him even more of a wild card than John, rawr.

Richard the dick is talking to the nice lady from the bank that Ramon robbed. Everyone loved him don’t you know. Although apparently Ramon was a loan officer which most people don’t like. He denied loans to thousands of people. Is that really worth killing over? The future is dark.

The police have found the video from the internet and are watching it all over again. I’m impressed with the live editing the bad guy did – he had like 20 cameras and cut it together live. I mean it’s heinous but impressive. They re-watch it because apparently this episode wasn’t depressing enough. Did anyone bother to dust the cameras for fingerprints? The car? Maybe?

Rudy re-charges Dorian with a jerry-rigged charger that will give him a short jolt of energy. It makes Dorian pick up radio stations and Japanese (Korean?) transmissions. Awesome. his eyes glow blue and yellow. it’s kind of sexy.

10 flashy eyesIf you’re into beautiful men with captivating eyes..

Dorian complains more that he can’t move out on his own. Rudy complains that living alone is lonely. Aw you two, let’s just turn this show into a sitcom about a robot living with a wacky inventor and call it a day. No? Ugh, fine. It’s mentioned his mood swings will get worse. (Dorian shouts “humans, off!” in a callback to the pilot, cute.)

Rudy manages to pull instructions off the cars data recorder that were going to Ramon. There’s an address he was supposed to go to, it was 10 min away when he died so there’s no way he ever could have made it, he was dead either way. They decide to check out the address. There’s a spooky abandoned warehouse. They walk up to a jukebox, it’s the only thing plugged in inside the building. John enters the code they were given and the bad guy starts typing to them.

They’re shown a picture of the next victim – Jeannie Hartman – “if you’re going to save her it has to be you”. This show seems to only have 2 kinds of bad guys, street thugs and evil geniuses. I feel like there’s a lot more middle ground out there. Maybe not in the future.

There’s a guy 3d printing flowers. Someone calls to order flowers. Future flower shops are cool. The florist has his daughter take the order and she heads out to deliver (she doesn’t ask for a name, he just gives her an address and she’s like, cool I’ll deliver them now. What? Have the writers of this show never ordered flowers before? Seriously?) . John and Dorian are on the case.

Cut to Jeannie in the back of the van with a collar on and the bad guy setting up cameras – please note no gloves which seems dumb. Again why didn’t they dust for prints at the last crime scene?

11 fingerprints everywhere!I also licked each one to make them stick, it’s a DNA party!

Anyway that sucks. The cops at the station are watching the live broadcast. Only 159 viewers? Wow these people have short attention spans, there were over 3000 a little while ago.

Jeannie gets a text that tells her to dance. She cries and dances. While holding flowers. Our creepy bad guy dances along with her. In a sad way, not awesome. We’re treated to more comments. These people are the worst.

12 live editing is sexyGiven his editing skills I’m pretty sure this kid could find work if he wanted to

John and Dorian walk up to Jeannie. Dorian’s battery is almost dead so he’s not doing so well – wait not really, his charge level is 48%. seriously and he’s that messed up? my phone is fine until around 3%. Just saying, they’re practically identical.

13 chargeThat seems slightly distracting

Rudy has to talk him through maneuvers in the right order. Well that’s a convenient plot device. Another text from the bad guy “the world is watching you Detective Kennex, good luck”3 minutes left on the timer. Man this has taken Dorian a while, at least 15 minutes. Dorian and John exchange a meaningful glance and John pulls out the shield to use just in case she explodes. The girl says she knows the bad guys name is Simon and she met him on an online dating website. Dorian and John nod and tell her she’ll be fine, and asks what Simon looks like. Uhh on the off chance she explodes, why not ask for a screenname and the name of the site? shoddy police work you guys…

More comments, good to know “fail” jokes are still alive in the future. Jeannie met “Simon” a few months ago and blew him off because he was creepy (well he sure showed her wrong!). Commenters are now mocking him, not good. (I love that MovieLover2 has a username picture of their dog and is openly calling this sociopath a loser, some intern clearly had a fun time putting together these user profiles).

14 loserBest. Profile. Ever.

Dorian implies she’s about to explode – John reaches his hands into the bomb too. they’re trying to cut the wire. Some commenter writes “yolo” and I die a little on the inside.

15 yoloThis message board doesn’t have nearly enough typos to be an accurate depiction of the internet

The bomb is now disarmed; John pulls it off Jeannie and holds it in his hand for WAY too long. Dude, put it inside the shield and walk away. Dorian hugs everyone. It’s a magical moment. The commenters are harsh and all leave the chatroom. Simon punches the computer screen. Nerd rage is real folks.

We now see the bad guy’s dating profile. His name is Simon Lynch. Jeannie told other people on the dating website to stay away, that’s harsh. He was also denied a loan by the bank, well Ramon specifically. He was also kicked out of police bomb squad training. (wait so if he was in police training wouldn’t his finger prints be in the system? I repeat if they had dusted for prints at the first crime scene this sucker would be wrapped up by now) ruh roh. so now they have to protect the guy who kicked him out. Dorian is pumped to protect and serve. Everyone is concerned that Dorian is still in the field. Yet no one is keeping him out of the field. I’m telling you, cigarette lighter chargers need to be a thing.

Richard the Dick is tiny. how have i never noticed that? He could fit in my pocket. They’re at Simon’s trailer, it’s booby trapped so they can’t go in to investigate – so they have to do a controlled detination. Some guy we’ve never seen before tells John he’s needed up the road. That can’t be good. We all know where this is going.

16 pocket sizedhe’s practically bite-sized

In the meantime the “controlled explosion” involves a drone shooting lasers at Simon’s trailer and causing a massive explosion.

17 controlled explosionIt’s cool, we’ll just put out the fire with MX carcasses. We go through a lot. 

Yeah that wasn’t so controlled guys. Even the mythbusters have a better setup with more safety protocols.

18 safety firstSafety First!

Down the road john runs into Simon and is gassed. Of course he was. This is stupid. I keep thinking of Galaxy Quest and the room with the flames and pounding metal rods “this scene was badly written” that’s pretty much how I feel about the arbitrary threats in each episode of Almost Human. sigh.

19 galexy questRescue me fan fiction…

Richard the dick and Dorian figure out something is up. threes an electronic billboard with Johns picture on it. Not a good sign. John wakes up on a bench with a bottle in his hand. Interesting turn of events. He’s wearing an adorably giant winter coat so let’s assume there’s a bomb under there. Yup, 10:57 sec and counting. too bad you napped so long buddy. His leg is handcuffed to the bench so he can’t go far, and he appears to be in the center of a crowded outdoor venue. he gets a call from Simon – who now has a remote detonator which, duh, why didn’t he have one before? Poorly planned master scheme mister evil bad guy.

Under the bench is a screwdriver and a pair of wirecutters so if he feels brave he can try to MacGyver it (well I guess to MacGyver it he would need a toothpick and some chewing gum) cops see the video feed of John and are on their way. Simon is mad that John had a bad psych evaluation after his accident but was given a second chance which Simon never got after his failed psych eval got him kicked out of police training. Dude, life’s not fair, it’s an important lesson to learn.

Richard the dick pulls up, Simon shouts no cops, Richard the dick figures out that Simon is hiding in the clocktower GOD that’s a cliché. Simon I thought you were better than that. 6:53 left on the clock. Simon has a dead man’s switch so Richard can’t shoot him without killing john.

John is now trying to get a token off the ground to separate the wires with. He gets it. Very dramatic acting right there. Dorian offers to climb the clocktower and electrocute Simon. he has 15% power remaining. Dorian starts to climb while the MX looks on, Richard the dick asks “can you do that?” I’m curious as well, couldn’t the more charged guy do that instead?

John and Simon discuss justice and ethics, meh. Dorian is down to 10% there’s a lot of flashing lights and warnings which seems silly since wouldn’t a robot just be consistently aware of how much power they had and not need constant reminders? Climbing the building left him with 3% power. He sneaks up on Simon. Simon is crying. Dorian shocks Simon and John cuts the wire to stop the bomb. Dorian powers off, clenching the dead man’s switch so John should be safe.

John and Ladybosscop are now pouring a glass of bourbon. much deserved. Dorian is now charging, Simon will live so there’s that. John reflects that he’s still followed by his screw-up’s. He gets a pep talk. There’s warm swelling music. John asks for a favor…

John walks Dorian into Rudy’s lab (which apparently isn’t in the station, apparently his lab is also his house). Dorian has permission to live with Rudy – Dorian whimpers “it’s not what I had in mind john” – yeah well neither is this show Dorian, we both have to live with it. It’s a cute moment. End of episode.

I’m getting a little cynical with this show, the characters haven’t developed that much, and the only consistent highlight is Michael Ealy’s enthusiastic acting. It feels like there’s been a bomb in every episode along with a lot of trite action standards. I love action standards, don’t get me wrong, but we’ve lost the thread from the first episode with the bad guy gang and each episode isn’t really strong enough to stand on its own. Oh well, we’ll see where this goes next week, until then see you in the comments.