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Minicap: Pump Rules - Jax is a WOMAN | TrashTalkTV

Minicap: Pump Rules – Jax is a WOMAN

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Okay, full recap tomorrow, but right now, all you need to know is that Jax is the biggest gossip on this show.  I say that because Jax’s 12-year-old girl brain caused the major action on the episode to happen.  To wit…

Stassi’s birthday is upon us.  It requires a trip, skinnny-dipping and for everyone to be on their best behavior and not ruin said birthday with shenanigans that don’t directly involve her.  Then she proceeds to invite a bunch of people who hate each other, namely, Scheana and… the rest of the girls at Sur.  The trip supposedly happens almost directly after Ariana, Scheana, Katie, Kristen and Stassi had it out last week.   The “A-Team” arrives to the airport and openly wonders about whether or not Scheana is coming, and then Scheana arrives.  All of the girls basically ice her out to the point that once they get to Mexico, Scheana decides to ice them out right back and rides to the hotel with the boys (why they split up the vans and rooms like they were at fucking summer camp, I don’t know, but they did).  When she gets into the van, Scheana says that she’d rather be gangbanged by all the dudes in the van than ride to the hotel with Stassi, Kristen, Katie and Kristina.  Clearly a joke – a crass joke, but a joke nonetheless.

So, fast forward to the hotel, and Jax needs a hairdryer.  He brought a bag filled with t-shirts, condoms and morning after pills (cause he’s a gentleman), but no hairdryer.  He heads up to the girls room to borrow one, and then, with no provocation at all but to somehow get back into Stassi’s good graces, tells all the girls what Scheana said in the van.  The girls, because they have no discernible sense of humor, take grave, GRAVE offense to this remark and decide not to confront Scheana about this, but to simply ignore her at the club they plan on hitting up that night.

And ignore her they do!  The problem is, that’s decently difficult when you’re all attending the same person’s birthday party and only five of you are ACTUALLY doing the ignoring.  So, Scheana (unaware that anyone is mad at her for something other than what she’s aware of) wanders up to their table when everyone’s doing a birthday shot, and Tom Schwartz hands her one to be nice.  Katie is (drunk) VERY displeased that Tom would hand Scheana a shot of alcohol that Bravo THEY paid for, and Tom calls Katie out for being a drunk bully.  This results in Tom and Katie fighting and Tom kind of throwing a drink on Katie.  You can imagine how that goes.

SO, the rest of the episode is a beach day, paddleboarding, the slow disintegration of Tom and Katie’s relationship and Stassi’s birthday dinner.  She expressly tells Katie that Katie is NOT to get emotional about her relationship falling apart at Stassi’s TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY DINNER.  But then Katie and Tom sit next to each other and Scheana (because Scheana is now my favorite evil genius) brings up the drink-slinging of the night before.  Tom and Katie start fighting again, and Katie stalks off, MUCH to Stassi’s displeasure.

…and all because Jax likes to gossip more than Andy fucking Cohen.

See you tomorrow with the full recap, until then, buenos noches!!!
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24 comments on “Minicap: Pump Rules – Jax is a WOMAN

  1. Gypsy Gypsy says:

    Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy all the nudity this season, why?

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      Mmmmm, maybe because they all think they are SOoooooo HAWT and we are supposed to lament that we too don’t possess the waxed asses of prepubescent boys? That’s my best guess.

  2. Stevie W. says:

    Dear Katie,

    When you dramatically change your hair color (to an ugly color) you need to update your make-up and wardrobe colors as well. A monochromatic style does not looks good on anyone, just ask Faye. Also I think something might be wrong with you because you made STACY looked incredibly sane and somewhat kind, I would look into that.

    Sincerely,

    Love of trash TV

  3. Aunt Dorsey says:

    Well done, Alejandra! I think your recap about sums it all up in a nutsack.

    That old myth about women being the champion shit stirrers and gossip mavens and men don’t ever indulge needs to pack its jammies and slink quietly away, presenting Exhibit A: Jax.

    One of the funniest damn lines of the evening came from a Horsey Face: “….and he LITERALLY threw the drink….” No shit Sherlock — he didn’t “figuratively” throw it !

    • TN Gal says:

      Auntie, you’re giving her too much intellectual credit. These girls (I say girls because they act like 12 year olds, no offense to the mature 12 year olds), use “literally” every other word. Eventually, they were bound to get the context correct.

      • Gypsy Gypsy says:

        BAZINGA!

      • Aunt Dorsey says:

        They, literally (snort), get it right pretty often: “I literally, like walked in the room….” “I, literally, was so mad….”; “I literally said to her….”

        I shouldn’t bitch, I have a daughter-in-law who you’d think was well-educated, since she’s a hot shot attorney and yet she misuses the word “literally” the same damn way. She’s also totally ignorant of grammar, thinks “it’s” is the possessive and doesn’t know the difference between “their” and “there”. Bonus: she also speaks in a high-pitched baby voice and patronizes me like I’m a senile old biddy, “How are we today?” But her Christmas letters are comedy gold, I tell you. Pretentious AND dumber than Jax.

  4. labowner says:

    Is Kristina trying to get a part on the show? What happened to Scheana’s bestie from last season/Villa Blanca?

  5. Clare s says:

    Does any one else want to dip Jax into a vat of bleach every time he comes on the screen? He is soooooo gross.

  6. LynnB says:

    Stassi, everybody is sick and tired of looking at your 11yr old body and your bare ass…leave your clothes on please….Jax is so gross there are almost no words…I crack up when he stares into the camera like he is the hottest thing alive when all he looks like is a greasy smarmy guy that’s over the hill at the bar willing to boff anything, and I mean anything with a vagina. LOVE Tom telling Katie what a bitch she is. LOVED it. I hope both Tom’s smarten up and dump these girls. Looks like next week they call Lisa and Kristen gives her an ultimatum between her and Ariana? Seriously? I hope Lisa tells her to suck it. These girls are scum.

  7. Lizz says:

    There should have been a counter on the screen to keep track of how many times Stassi said “its my 25th birthday” and “we’re in Cabo”. I “literally” almost threw something at my TV!

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      Sheeeet, I thought it was another lame Andy Cohen-sponsored drinking game and I took a swig of Old Door Knob every time she said it.

      • TN Gal says:

        Alright, we need to figure out exactly which day is Stassi’s birthday, cause I don’t want to hear refrains of Kristen from Stassi about how people argued during her birthday. I can hear her now: ” You argued one day after my 25th birthday. In Cabo. It’s my only 25th birthday, and you argued all over my birthday. In Cabo. We’re in Cabo and it’s my 25th birthday and you’re arguing.” Here is an idea, if you don’t want people you don’t like going on your-say it with now, Trashmii- twenty-fifth birthday party in Cabo, pay for the trip your own damn neurotic self, and save the drama. But then again, then you’d have no reason to be on TV.

  8. Rose says:

    Hey when will the full recap be posted? I am anxiously awaiting your missive.

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