Couples Therapy Recap: Lipnado

GIGANTICLIPSReal human or blow-up doll? 

Howdy, Trashmii!  Welcome again to episode 1 of the new season of Couples Therapy.  I have to say, I’ve never watched this show before.  But when Ronnie said Taylor Armstrong and Jon Gosselin were going to be in it – how could I pass this up?  America’s #1 Grifter and People’s Douche of the Year Emeritus in one show?  Gold.  Gold!

We open with what seems like an endless intro/preview, in which Jenn Berman, the main therapist, offers the following profound observations:

“Whatever the problem, we’ll fix it head-on”.  Oh, like an oncoming Mack truck?

“Facing the truth is all that matters”.  Just facing it, not doing anything about it.

“You can’t have love without honesty”.  Sure you can!  The best relationships are based on lies!

“True love is worth fighting for”.  Eh, who has the energy anymore?

bermanOf course I have a degree!  From the University of Aruba!

First to arrive are Taylor and her fiance, John.  Oh, and her GIGANTIC UPPER LIP.  They’ve been engaged a few months.  I guess since right after her first husband hung himself?  Taylor give us the half-weeping schtick she perfected on RHOBH.  She was “trying to convince everyone my life was perfect”, was hit by her (dead) husband, and as a result she filed for divorce.  We then get to hear the 911 call Taylor and a male companion made when she discovered the body.  It basically consists of a guy telling the operator what’s wrong, while Taylor screams “oh my god” repeatedly, as you’d expect.  God forbid she’d pull herself together or anything.

goodtimesUs?  We’re just hanging around.

Taylor goes on to say that Russell was being sued when he died, and all her assets were frozen.  Oh, that must be why she wrote that book . . . She then tells us “it took a year of being alone to figure out who I was”, but doesn’t tell us who that was.  Con artist?  Scammer?  Liar?  Just my first thoughts.

John tells us he and Taylor were attorney and client.  What he doesn’t say is that when Taylor and he first became involved, he was married.  Really klassy, you two.  They now live in Vail.  John tells us they “literally have a blast together”.  Oh, if that were literally true . . .

cloudLet’s hope Kim, Kyle, Carlton, Brandi and Joyce are in there too.

Taylor goes on to say her biggest problem is PTSD (honey, we’ve all got PTSD!), and she’s afraid John will turn out like Russell.  She’s not going to plan the wedding until her (their?) issues are resolved.  News flash, John:  Taylor’s issues will never be resolved.  Run away now.  The sex can’t be that good, can it?

bjI stand corrected.

Taylor and John show up with Matthew, Taylor’s assistant.  Apparently our delicate genius doesn’t unpack her own suitcase.  No one else shows up with an assistant, including Ghost, who is an actual star.  Only sensitive, lazy Taylor.

By the way, did you notice she bought new clothes for this gig?  Check out the tags!

tagsHope she likes these.  I got them at JC Penney.

Commercial.

Next to arrive are Ghostface and his girlfriend, Kelsey.  Ghost tells that he was “like rabbits” with the ladies when he was younger, but is more picky now.  Good to know.

seizureMaybe if I fake a seizure they’ll take me to the hospital and she’ll SHUT THE F UP.

Kelsey says she’s a model, actress, singer and songwriter (oh, like every other groupie in the world!) and loves Ghost “spiritually, mentally as a man”.  Ghost and Kelsey have been dating for over a year but have only spent 4 months together due to his touring schedule.  So wouldn’t that mean they’ve really only been dating for 4 months?  Kelsey is very animatedly telling us this story, while Ghost looks like he wants to fall asleep.

whoBeyonce ain’t worried.

Ghost says Kelsey’s clean.  He likes clean girls.  If that isn’t damning with faint praise . . .

Kelsey says there’s distance between them, and Ghost says he doesn’t need therapy.  She wants to “grow and take it to another level”, while Ghost just keeps looking bored.

moreboredI’m going to kill my agent.

At the house, they meet Taylor and John.  John shares with us that he “loves Tupac”.  You’re a middle-aged white guy who lives in Vail.  You don’t love Tupac.  You heard 30 seconds of one of his songs once and you think that proves you have street cred.  You’re about as “street” as George W. Bush, pal.

streetStraight outta Compton, yo.

Commercial.

Whitney and Sada are next to arrive.  They’ve been married for a year and a half.  They live in LA and run a clothing line, Cloth and Justice.  Sada’s also a hairstylist, and Whitney feels she spends too much time on that, versus the clothing business.  Whitney says she bottles things up, while Sada has a short fuse.  They want to have kids, and Whitney says it’s crucial for them to get past arguing over nothing.

cuteSuper cute couple!

At the house, they’re introduced to the other couples.  Sada tells us she’s a big fan of Ghost and Wu-Tang Clan.  Now her, I believe.  Kelsey seems a tad homophobic in her reaction to this couple.

In their room, the gals snipe at each other.  Sada says Whitney and she have a mother-daughter relationship, and Whitney says Sada micromanages things.  So this is starting well.

whitneySometimes I just hate you.

sadaThere you go, taking the words out of my mouth!

Commercial.

The final person to arrive is Farrah Abraham and her GIGANTIC LIPS.  Her boyfriend probably couldn’t fit in the limo with her GIGANTIC LIPS taking up all the space.  We get to hear Farrah’s trashy saga:  16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom.  The father of the poor kid died at some point, so she’s presumably a single mom.  Then there was all the drinking.  Farrah tells us that she was “involved with somebody who worked in the porn industry”, but her sex video wasn’t porn, you guys.  And yes, she did get an offer to put out a sex toy line based on a mold of her veejayjay, but that wasn’t porn either!  She’s a business person!  She had to take advantage of the opportunity!

rawDownton Abbey:  The Deleted Scenes

Some guy whose name is continually bleeped out was supposed accompany Farrah.  They’ve been together 5 months.  The night before the show he stopped returning her calls and texts, and stopped communicating with the show’s producers.  Jenn tells us she has to figure out if it’s appropriate for Farrah to be in therapy that’s aimed at couples.  I can answer that.  No.  Send her and her GIGANTIC LIPS home.

stalkerShe’s really matured, hasn’t she?

Jenn comes to Farrah’s room.  Jenn says she’s going to try and reach the boyfriend, and Farrah says if he does show up, she would be willing to continue.  Sure she would!  She signed a contract.

Commercial.  It’s time for the Group Process Room!  Everyone gets to meet the rest of the therapists/counselors:  Mike Dow, Sarah Novia (who is also the housemother), Gabrielle Moore and Keisha Downey.

Jenn assures the couples that some of them will fall in love, and some will realize they shouldn’t be in a relationship.  I can solve that right now.  Only Whitney and Sada should be in a relationship.  Series over.  See you next season!

They they all focus on Farrah and her GIGANTIC LIPS, and we hear her saga again.  Jenn says Farrah told her before she feels she’s “contributing to is since you seen this pattern over and over”.  Jenn asks the others what they think.  Taylor, wet-eyed, says she and John are “absolutely supportive” of Farrah staying.  Ghost tells Farrah she’s choosing the wrong men.  Duh.  Jenn says this has the potential to be a “real milestone moment”.  Or not.

taylorHey wait a minute!  I’M the one with the heartwrenching story!

Commercial.

Dinner time!

Ghost says it feels strange to eat with strangers.  So he’s never been to a restaurant then?  There’s some riveting discussion of whether or not Ghost cries.  Then he and Kelsey argue in their room.

drinkYes, let’s add alcohol to this dynamic!

And with that, our ep ends.  In the previews, we see that People’s Douche of the Year Emeritus arrives next week.  I can’t wait, can you?  Also, Taylor will be starting problems (RHOBH all over again), and there will be arguing.  No!  Arguing among couples?  That’s a shocker.

If you want to read more of my snark, head on over to the Sister Wives recaps. I’ve had the pleasure of recapping that show for a couple of years now. Nothing like unhappy, bitter sister wives to put a gloss on the polygamous lifestyle! Not to mention Kody, the lovable impossibly dense head of the clan. Check it out!

I’ll see you back here next week for more Couples Therapy drama!
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