Howdy, Trashmii! Welcome again to episode 1 of the new season of Couples Therapy. I have to say, I’ve never watched this show before. But when Ronnie said Taylor Armstrong and Jon Gosselin were going to be in it – how could I pass this up? America’s #1 Grifter and People’s Douche of the Year Emeritus in one show? Gold. Gold!
We open with what seems like an endless intro/preview, in which Jenn Berman, the main therapist, offers the following profound observations:
“Whatever the problem, we’ll fix it head-on”. Oh, like an oncoming Mack truck?
“Facing the truth is all that matters”. Just facing it, not doing anything about it.
“You can’t have love without honesty”. Sure you can! The best relationships are based on lies!
“True love is worth fighting for”. Eh, who has the energy anymore?
First to arrive are Taylor and her fiance, John. Oh, and her GIGANTIC UPPER LIP. They’ve been engaged a few months. I guess since right after her first husband hung himself? Taylor give us the half-weeping schtick she perfected on RHOBH. She was “trying to convince everyone my life was perfect”, was hit by her (dead) husband, and as a result she filed for divorce. We then get to hear the 911 call Taylor and a male companion made when she discovered the body. It basically consists of a guy telling the operator what’s wrong, while Taylor screams “oh my god” repeatedly, as you’d expect. God forbid she’d pull herself together or anything.
Taylor goes on to say that Russell was being sued when he died, and all her assets were frozen. Oh, that must be why she wrote that book . . . She then tells us “it took a year of being alone to figure out who I was”, but doesn’t tell us who that was. Con artist? Scammer? Liar? Just my first thoughts.
John tells us he and Taylor were attorney and client. What he doesn’t say is that when Taylor and he first became involved, he was married. Really klassy, you two. They now live in Vail. John tells us they “literally have a blast together”. Oh, if that were literally true . . .
Taylor goes on to say her biggest problem is PTSD (honey, we’ve all got PTSD!), and she’s afraid John will turn out like Russell. She’s not going to plan the wedding until her (their?) issues are resolved. News flash, John: Taylor’s issues will never be resolved. Run away now. The sex can’t be that good, can it?
Taylor and John show up with Matthew, Taylor’s assistant. Apparently our delicate genius doesn’t unpack her own suitcase. No one else shows up with an assistant, including Ghost, who is an actual star. Only sensitive, lazy Taylor.
By the way, did you notice she bought new clothes for this gig? Check out the tags!
Next to arrive are Ghostface and his girlfriend, Kelsey. Ghost tells that he was “like rabbits” with the ladies when he was younger, but is more picky now. Good to know.
Kelsey says she’s a model, actress, singer and songwriter (oh, like every other groupie in the world!) and loves Ghost “spiritually, mentally as a man”. Ghost and Kelsey have been dating for over a year but have only spent 4 months together due to his touring schedule. So wouldn’t that mean they’ve really only been dating for 4 months? Kelsey is very animatedly telling us this story, while Ghost looks like he wants to fall asleep.
Ghost says Kelsey’s clean. He likes clean girls. If that isn’t damning with faint praise . . .
Kelsey says there’s distance between them, and Ghost says he doesn’t need therapy. She wants to “grow and take it to another level”, while Ghost just keeps looking bored.
At the house, they meet Taylor and John. John shares with us that he “loves Tupac”. You’re a middle-aged white guy who lives in Vail. You don’t love Tupac. You heard 30 seconds of one of his songs once and you think that proves you have street cred. You’re about as “street” as George W. Bush, pal.
Whitney and Sada are next to arrive. They’ve been married for a year and a half. They live in LA and run a clothing line, Cloth and Justice. Sada’s also a hairstylist, and Whitney feels she spends too much time on that, versus the clothing business. Whitney says she bottles things up, while Sada has a short fuse. They want to have kids, and Whitney says it’s crucial for them to get past arguing over nothing.
At the house, they’re introduced to the other couples. Sada tells us she’s a big fan of Ghost and Wu-Tang Clan. Now her, I believe. Kelsey seems a tad homophobic in her reaction to this couple.