Shahs of Sunset Recap: Caviar Dreams and Persian Nightmares

Hola Trashies!  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season that included a few days off of work, family and alcohol.  I know in my case, I need the days off and the alcohol to cope with all the family.  During the holidays, I kinda roll like GG – boozed up, and like MJ – zoned out.  Cuz at some point – I’m just at my limit and want to rip your tits off and slap you with them.  Um, okay maybe that’s just GG.

So this latest episode of Shahs opens with Reza and Adam taking a stroll through the mall to buy items for the “housewarming party.”  Reza reads everyone’s minds when he says that a year ago nobody would believe that he and Adam are still together.  Amen. 

Adam is so much taller than Reza
Who knew Adam was so much TALLER than Reza?  And why does that amuse me so?

Adam just hasn’t figured out he can do better yet.  And if anybody thought for a hot second that this was just a “random trip to the mall,” your naivete is laughable when they “happen upon” a vending machine that sells caviar.  This bitch Reza, he knows a good filmable moment.  You know some PA saw online that they sold caviar out of a vending machine and been sitting on this moment for at least a season or two anyway. 

caviar vending machine
Also, notice this stupid vending machine is empty except for the top row.  What?  $3,000 caviar doesn’t sell in the Valley like a Coke Zero?  Who knew!

According to Reza, every good Persian rolls with a wad of cash in your pocket – apparently $3500, because that’s what a tin of fish eggs will set you back.  First of all, beluga caviar is very bad for the environment (seriously, all the fish are dying off because YUM!  FISH Eggs!) and secondly, it’s very delicious.   It is!  But $3500?  Reza could buy himself some gold.  Whatever, this is stupid.  Also, he pays for this shit in cash.  None of this makes any sense.    Also, if you ever see Reza, you should mug him.  Because apparently he has a lot of cash on him.  Did nobody else think that when they saw this, or just me?

someone please mug REza
Yes, show everyone who watches TV how much cash you carry on you at all times.  Someone mug him just on principal alone.

Reza tells us that he wants the caviar to be the “attraction” at his dinner party, but I think he is thinking of the wrong word.  I think the word he wants to use is “pretentious,” no wait.  Maybe, “braggart.”  Hmmmm, “Obnoxious Pretentious Braggart?”  Three words?

GG and Asa go to Tai Chi, because as Asa tells us, GG has “Major impulse control issues.”  The producers helpfully play clips back of GG losing her shit and threatening to cut everyone to hammer home the point.  Poor GG.  She really is trying, but can’t help her craziness.  Tai Chi is being run by a hippy with dreds (of course).   GG can’t calm down though, and keeps equating every movement with sex.  Everyone is kind of amused by it, and the instructor takes it all in stride.  Probably because he’s high as a kite and thinks GG is a kitten covered in glitter and looking for a moonbeam, but that’s besides the point.  Anyway, there’s a few takeaways to this bit here.  1) GG is horny and ready to bang anything with a pulse and 2)  Asa’s ass is amazing in stretchy pants. 

Asa's bum is amazing
Watch out Kim Kardashian – Asa is coming for you.  (But you’ll probably be able to see her coming because she’ll be dressed like a crazy person).

GG interviews and tells us that Tai Chi makes her want to bone or kick someone’s ass – so basically how she feels every morning when she wakes up?  She’s hopeful that Tai Chi will help her control her anger because, and I am quoting here, She wants to cut MJ’s tits off and bitch slap her with them.  Damn, that’s messy. 

Asa tells GG that she needs to remember this class the next time she gets angry, and just breathe deep and do some Tai Chi.  That was very sweet, but we all know it won’t work.  Cuz GG needs to cut someone – it’s just a matter of when.    Asa asks GG what happened the night GG exploded at the bar at MJ, and GG admits she exploded.  She starts off by saying that she was so drunk she didn’t want to sit down, and that when MJ was dismissing her it only upset her more.  Exactly.  I think MJ knows exactly how to piss GG off and wind her up.  And she did.  Furthermore, GG says that since MJ has made up with Reza she doesn’t care, saying, “she doesn’t care about me, my relationship or that I’m hurting.”

What’s unfortunate is that I don’t think GG can articulate what exactly is upsetting her, but this is it.  That MJ doesn’t care that GG is hurting or going through something.  And that what MJ did hurt her emotionally.  That’s all I think she needs, is just for MJ to give a shit.   But unfortunately GG is yelling so loudly that no one can hear her.  Which is what Asa tells her.  It’s a great, genuine segment surrounded by a lot of overpriced beluga caviar.  Is it crazy that I think that GG and Asa are the most genuine on this show?  Wait around, that will change.

MJ is showing GG’s sister’s house and for some crackass reason she brought her dogs.  What kind of realtor does that?  MJ shows the house, and the tenants seem to be interested and say they’ll get back to her.  The most riveting part of this scene is where MJ is adjusting her mountainous breasts, which is like every other scene in this show.  Those boobies are ridic.

Reza has decided that he needs to get the apology to Sasha out of the way, so he’s chosen an outdoor café in the sweltering heat next to a traffic heavy road.   It’s ridiculous.  He’s sweating, the cars are driving by and there’s incessant honking.  Whoever chose this as a place to shoot needs to be fired.

meeting of the minds
Of course Reza picks the loudest smelliest place to offer an apology.  Over hot coffee.  In the summer.

Anyway, Sasha arrives and chides Reza for ordering without him.  Reza stumbles through his apology beginning with them not knowing each other very well, and that he didn’t handle himself very well that night.  He says that regardless of what his reasons were, he owes both Sasha and his brother an apology.  Sasha thanks him for his apology, and then tells him he didn’t show up for the apology.  That he wanted to know where Reza was coming from and why he was so angry.  Sasha thought that Reza was upset for thinking that Sasha was flirting with Adam.  Reza denies that this was the case, although I think perhaps it was.

Reza tells us that Sasha represents everything that he was ashamed of growing up:  His mother’s Muslim Family, homosexuality, Persian masculinity.  I’d say that’s a fair assessment.  Granted Reza is a giant self-involved dick a lot of the time, but even self-involved dicks can have emotional breakthroughs.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t last long.

Reza throws Sasha a bone (ha!) and asks him how Iran was during the war.   Sasha was very young, but remembers the guns and the bombs, etc.  Reza admits that he needs to get over himself, because out of the problems he did have the one problem he didn’t have was knowing that he was free.   “I did grow up in Beverly Hills you know.”  No shit. 

Mike is going ring shopping for his special lady, and he goes to some Persian hook up, of course.  He brings his brothers with him for support and Mike is about to pass out so they give him a chair to sit in while they bring the giant rocks out in wheelbarrows for him to look at.  Mike tells us that the ring is not about his fiancé, it’s about showing off to the world how successful he is.  Well, isn’t that a healthy way to start off a marriage!  Concern about everyone else and their opinions and not the substance of the relationship.  This ladies and gentlemen, is why divorce attorneys  make so much money.  Idiot.

What makes Mike an even BIGGER idiot is his idea that he needs to buy his lady a $100k ring.  Moron.  His brothers tell him that she’s not Persian so he doesn’t need to buy her a giant rock, just something around $25-35k.   Which is still astronomically expensive.   And also, WHAT?!  These qualifiers they have for their women, it kills me.  I swear this family will be at the door of the wedding suite wanting bloody sheets for proof, the way they talk about the women.  Ew.

Anyway, Mike tells us that the business with Reza hasn’t been what he was promised and that his lady love will have to wait until he can buy her an expensive ring because $20,000 is too cheap for his woman.  If he hasn’t proposed to Jessica by the time this aired, she will be smacking him upside the head.  She actually seems like a nice normal girl, who is converting without the ring anyway, she just really wants to get married.  So marry her, you dork.  God.

GG goes to dinner with her boyfriend Sean wearing that hideous black and white striped shirt again.   Girlfriend, you have a body to die for.  Stop dressing like downtown Julie Brown, mkay?

GG orders a shot (a fireball?) before she orders anything else, and Sean raises his eyebrows at that.  Which, come on.  It’s GG.  Then she tells us that she feels it’s time to come clean with Sean about the whole Shayan make-out session.  Because apparently, our little rage freak has been lying to Sean the whole time and denying she ever made out with anyone.  Wow.

These two have a weird relationship.  He’s telling her to relax, she’s rolling her head around and they’re both not making any sense.  For example she says:  “I want you to want me to want to be a in a relationship with you.” He replies:  “I agree, I would want me to want you to want me to want to be in a relationship with me.” 

Even GG doesn't understand

GG says she sees the relationship going to a positive place, and he agrees.  Then she asks him if she can tell him something that she did something gbad, but she wants him to forgive her.  He takes the bait and says (and this is way corny):  “Part of life is forgiving other people and forgiving yourself.”  Okay, Mr. Springsteen.

GG drags it out, slugs some wine and then tells Sean straight out that a guy at the party kissed her.  He asks if she kissed him back, but she can’t say if that’s so (Yes it is) because she was drunk.  The kicker is that Sean asks her if she still talks to him.  GG admits that Shayan texts her, and she says yes. Then he asks how often, and it appears that these two have been corresponding daily for about two months.  She won’t even show him her cell phone text conversations with him because they will “come off wrong.”  I think they came off right, ya know what I mean? 

Sean then realizes that MJ was telling the truth the whole time and that GG was lying, and he’s like – Nope.  It’s very sad because I think GG wanted to tell him to make herself feel better, and thought  “Hey!  I’m being honest and doing the right thing!”  But didn’t really expect him to dump her.  

The truth hurts GG
Shock and awe. 

GG, you fucked up.  MAYBE, a random make-out sesh drunk at a party while you were all “Ross and Rachel ON A BREAK!”  But this?  Nope.  And you know what?  Sean’s not wrong.  I think he could have forgiven the drunken smooch, but the lying he couldn’t handle. 

At Reza’s housewarming party, Asa brings the sexy in a blue dress and of course Reza brags about how much he spent on the caviar.  The guests all take it in stride though as they price out how much everyone has eaten.   

And here you will see the 3.5k caviar
(How much do you think their poop costs now?)

So caviar is eaten, champagne is guzzled and everyone asks about Mike as the producers instructed them to.  Apparently, Mike and Reza aren’t even talking.  Reza is not texting him or emailing him and hasn’t even been in the office.   Reza says that Mike hasn’t brought anything to the table and that he’s lazy.  He says that Mike doesn’t even know where the table is.  Which is probably true, but weren’t you supposed to at least give him an idea as to which room it’s in?   Interestingly, it’s MJ that tells Reza he needs to talk to Mike before things get worse.  I mean, she’s right but holy hell didn’t expect MJ to be the voice of reason.  Reza looks like he’s going to throw fish eggs at MJ’s face.

Reza is gonna kill MJ
Tread lightly, MJ.  Or else you can go back to being BFF’s with GG. 

Mike goes to some crack ass poker game with a bunch of douchebags who wish they were gangster.  Seriously these guys are so tacky and full of hair gel and machismo.  The producers are playing the opening notes of “Blurred Lines,” so I feel justified in saying that these guys come off like a bunch of shiny date rapists.  One of them even says, “I didn’t make money so I could be with one woman.”  Charming.   He makes all that money so he can afford all the penicillin.  You know, from the ickies he gets from his hookers.

Oceans 0
Ew.  These guys think they’re Oceans 11, but they’re more like the Toilet Water 2.

Why is Mike with these guys?  Yes, they have money but that’s all they have.  Mike has more substance than that – I hope.  Anyway, these guys, when they’re not rubbing their escorts asses for good luck, are leaning hard on Mike to go back into Commercial Real Estate which he could have gotten that very advice from his Mom without the risk of catching Hep C from sitting too close to the guys from Jersey Shore (in ten years).

I really can’t take these guys.  Actually, I knew someone like this.  He’s in jail now, for 50 years.  So what I’m saying is, Mike should be careful.  Everything comes with a price.  And sometimes a prescription(s). 

 So what do you guys think?  Will Reza and Mike mend fences? Will Sean and GG get back together (and break up again about a dozen more times?)  Will Asa continue to be a lovely weirdo?

Next week MJ loses some sex videos (My eyes!) and Reza and Mike have it out.  Scandalous!

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