Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Joisey Underpants
Happy New Year, Trashies! Are you as ready as I am to give 2013 a big, swift kick in the cojones? I can think of no better way to start off 2014 than with a new episode of heart melting love stories told to us by the cultured and demure jewel of Bravo’s TV crown, Patti Stanger.
Today, Patti’s boyfriend David is giving her boxing lessons in a park somewhere. Patti’s hitting his hands with her glove saying dumb things like “THIS is for not doing the dishes”. I hope she slips and “accidentally” punches him in the nose. Patti talking-heads that her “language of love” is East Coast because it’s all about constant sex and gifts while David is a wimpy, West Coast dude who needs constant affirmation. Patti just described herself as a prostitute.
East Coast REPRESENT
Patti’s office and David walks in with a bag of thongs and underpants from designer Andrew Christian who wants to get his SAG card by being part of the Millionaire Club. David explains that Andrew is sick of the Hollywood phonies and wants to meet someone that doesn’t know he’s a rich guy. If he wants someone to like him for him, being part of a club with the word “millionaire” in its title isn’t exactly the stealth way to go about it, dude.
Screams “gold diggers need not apply”, don’t it?
Andrew’s 35, a clothing designer and has $4.2M to throw around. He describes himself as the gay Hugh Hefner with his own Playboy mansion as a shot of his house, poolside, comes up on the screen (house porn!). Patti’s squealing how much she loves him. He says he has a hand (hmm-HMM) in picking all the models and then complains that there’s always ulterior motives once he starts dating them. Either this dude is a complete A-hole or he’s the dumbest person on the planet if he thinks 20-something twinks want to go out with him for reasons other than the fact that he’s rich and connected. Patti concurs. Andrew says his relationships only last 2 weeks to a few months and has come to the realization that he’s picking the wrong guys. You think? Bottom line – he’s sick of the hit it and quit it and wants some longevity. Patti likes Andrew and is worried that all the boys in her stable of rent-a-hos will know who he is. David promises to scour West Hollywood for fresh meat.
Patti’s “friend”, Real Ho-wives of New Jersey’s Kathy Wikile, has asked Patti to set up her sister Rosie for a mixer. I don’t really watch the Jersey ladies but I have seen the clips of Rosie screaming at Theresa and banging her fists on tables. Love the Jersey accent, love the anger, love the possibilities. Patti says she’s going to do her buddy a solid since Rosie’s poor and the ratings are lower than she’s comfortable with so Patti screeches there’re going to do a full gay mixer this week. Recap: hot lipstick lesbians of a certain age that is comfortable with a late bloomer.
Rosie Meet Up
Patti’s at a cake shop icing up my lunch while Rosie, Kathy and her husband Richie show up. Rosie tells us she’s 46, from Jersey and you might remember her from RHONJ. Rosie works as a project manager for a furniture company. Her small, family oriented town makes is hard for her to cruise chicks so she does online dating. She calls it a disaster and we’re shown a clip of one of her dates from RHONJ. Rosie says she needs someone calm because she throws enough shit fits for 2 people. She seems kind of nice.
Patti and Rosie bond once it’s revealed that Patti’s from Jersey, too. Kathy says that Patti will understand Rosie especially now that Rosie’s accepted herself. Rich calls out Rosie’s virgin status and Patti for once tries to shush him so as not to embarrass Rosie. Rosie says she’s only had one relationship when she was in her mid-30’s and her sister and brother-in-law seem to really want to fix her up with someone. This seems to be the first truly genuine moment so far this season. From a Jersey housewife, no less! I have zero shade so far.
That didn’t last long because Patti says that Kathy wants the best for Rosie and that’s why they came to her. Bitch, please. She promises to find women that will boost Rosie’s confidence to date back home. Patti’s totally a madam. Rosie – why love now? She’s sick of being lonely. Her first love was a friend first that turned into more and was crushed for a long time after it was over. Her celebrity crush is Ashley Judd because of her sparkly eyes and feistiness. Rosie wants a mature lady, no young dumb-dumbs. Patti tells Rosie that she’s pairing her with Andrew for a dinner mixer. Also, Kathy and Rich will help Patti pick out the girls for her, too. Rules are stated and Patti tells Rosie she has a golden coochie. Gag.
Back to Patti to meet up “gay” underwear designer Andrew. Andrew says his undies are available at clothing stores world-wide (plug!). He lives in the Hollywood Hills and says that hot guys are around him all the time and his personal and business lives mesh constantly. Patti and Andrew sit out on his balcony overlooking the Hollywood sign. Andrew says he’s only been in one serious relationship from the age of 21-28 and has been playing the field ever since. He feels like he’s getting older and wants to settle down. Andrew’s a leg and butt guy (duh) but needs someone also cultured. Patti says she’s going to find him guys around 32 and tells him to not wince at that if he serious. If this was a straight guy Patti would have eviscerated the dude for being “ageist”. Patti tells him about the dinner party theme and tells him the rules and prompts Andrew by saying her rule is no sex before….he answers “a condom”! Laugh! He doesn’t watch this show.
RECRUITING TIME – Rosie
The rundown: mature, age-appropriate, lipstick lesbians. Justin’s going solo on this recruiting assignment and Patti thinks he’ll screw it up. Up first we meet Donna who has five kids who used to be married. Her youngest is 5 years-old. Out. Shyra is a model/singer who says is bi-sexual. Patti asks her how many times she “flips” and Shyra says it depends on how the wind’s blowing. By the looks of her, it’s more like where the dollar bills are waving. Patti yells at Justin that he’s screwing up by bringing bisexuals when she asked for full on lesbians. Patti says she doesn’t trust either of these ladies and Donna speaks up and calls Patti disrespectful and walks out. Bye, Donna! Patti tells Justin his job is on the line and bellows to Marissa to bring out three hot girls.
Hoo-boy – that’s a man, baby. Patti immediately calls out Lauren, the female bodybuilder, as a trannie. Lauren completely, and utterly, unconvincingly, tries to pass herself off as a woman. She says she’s a Barbie with biceps. No way. Out.
Calli’s sheet says she’s bisexual but then explains that her first relationship was with a man but then went with a woman and said she didn’t know what she was missing. Calli’s a little young so Patti asks her to remove her eyeglasses and take out her nose ring and then she can come to the dinner. In.
Tristan is an annuity investor that is looking to move to New York. Patti makes her twirl and then tells her she dresses like shit. Once Tristan explains her job and Patti figures that she just might have some dough, she gives her a yes. In.
Next is Amy, a life coach. Kathy likes that she’s a Libra. Patti makes Amy remove her blazer and Richie says she’s a hottie. Pattie tells Amy to get rid of the pompadour. In. Patti congratulates Kathy and Richie for helping her pick and tells Justin he’s an idiot. I sure hope his paycheck is worth this.
RECRUITING TIME – Andrew
The rundown: Non-gold digger college grads. Patti tells David that Justin sucked. Three recruits come in and the first Patti talks to is Landon. He was in real estate until the bust and is now a concierge. Patti wants to see if he has chicken legs and he does not. Daniel is a massage therapist, a Taurus, open to marriage and kids. He was involved in the Prop 8 as a coach. She tells Daniel to open up his shirt and calls him a slip ‘n slide cause he’s so smooth. Patti gets upset with Justin again asking him how come the girls weren’t this hot, you dumb ass? In.
The next three come in and Jay’s an “Anti-Aging Wellness Coach”. Only in LA. He starts to explain what it is he does but Patti interrupts him asking him to take off his shirt. They convince him to take off his pants, too, but he doesn’t make the cut. Scott is an accounting recruiter and Patti isn’t convinced that he’s gay. He went to Harvard and claims to be a gold-star gay. In.
Carson’s from Irvine and got kicked out of Brigham Young for having a boyfriend. Patti is appalled by that and since Carson’s cute, he’s in.
Patti once again bellows that Justin blew it but she’ll forgive him since she thinks Andrew’s banged everybody in town, anyway, so he’ll got another week’s paycheck. Patti goes to her database for one more candidate for each of her clients. Davie is a makeup artist and will be used as a tester to see if Andrew can stay away from the gold diggers. For Rosie, Patti has Guinevere who wrote the screenplay to American Psycho and is age appropriate.
DAVIE AND GWEN
Rules are gone over and now they’re ready to meet the millionaires. No one recognizes Rosie and Patti flips her lid that these lesbians are Bravo ignorant. Scott knows who Andrew is and cops to wearing one of his creations at that very minute. Hot.
Davie asks Andrew if he’s a party boy and Andrew answers that he likes to get down but likes to be mellow, as well. Scott says Andrew has a rep for being the man-whore about town and Andrew likes that. They find out Andrew’s a leg man and doesn’t like self-important jackasses.
Over at Table #2, Rosie starts off the conversation telling the ladies that California people are aliens that don’t say what they mean. Tristan AMENS that notion and Gwen tells Rosie she has family in Jersey. Rosie likes that the ladies cop to having thick skins. Patti wants them to stop talking about Jersey and start talking about girly stuff so Patti asks the table where is the most interesting place they’ve had sex? Calli says in Hawaii on the rocks at the beach; Tristan says beach, too. Gwen says a lady never tells and Rosie tells her to drink up and spill it, tight ass. Amy says in the back of a truck under the stars. I think. Amy has a mild case of mush mouth. Patti gets everyone to talk about sex toys and Rosie wants to go away she’s so embarrassed. Rosie’s first date will be something outdoor followed by dinner. Gwen says as long as there’s good lighting she’s in.
Patti goes to Table #1 to spread more of her sunshine. She says the lesbians are boring so to spice up her afternoon, she wants everyone at this table to tell something no one else knows about themselves. Carson pipe up that he wants to be on Glee. Daniel wants to garden and raise zucchini’s and Davie calls him boring. Dick. Davie wants to be a closet stripper and proves it by getting up and twerking. Scott is a licensed private pilot. Daniel tries to explain his garden story but Patti interrupts him by asking him the only way his story won’t be boring unless he says the zucchini’s were used for butt plugs. Enchanting.
Andrew’s two front runners are Daniel and Scott. Rosie doesn’t say who her top two but we find out that her date will be Gwen because she’s laid back and mature. Andrew picks Daniel because he loved his zucchini story.
Rosie and Gwen meet up at the marina to go kayaking. Gwen is in a dress and heels while Rosie’s dressed like the butch that she is. Rosie’s giving Gwen shit about being a girlie girl. Rosie talks about her job and says she’s a pain in the ass because it’s up to her to get things moving. Rosie kind of insults Gwen saying that artists don’t know anything about the real world. Gwen says that’s bullshit because she gets up at 6:00 am and spends 12 hours at a studio. Rosie thinks that’s a cake walk and is obnoxious. She likes that Gwen is feisty. After the kayaking is over, Rosie says they’re going to dinner and Gwen laughingly wants to know if that’s a question or an order. Gwen accepts and wants to go change since her dress got wet. Rosie has zero game.
Over to Andrew and he’s taking Daniel to San Diego to the Prado restaurant. They compliment each other and start talking. Daniel says he goes out once or twice a week. Andrew says it’s hard to go out in WestHo because it always turns into work. They flirt and Daniel jokes around with Andrew. Andrew seems to dig Daniel’s stories and they’re being cute together. The waiter comes over and asks Andrew if he remembers him? Andrew’s all “oh, no…did I fuck you before?” Daniel brushes it off. Part Two of their date is an event that Andrew will take Daniel so he can get a glimpse of Andrew’s life.
Back to Rosie and Gwen at some restaurant. Rosie says she’s been single for a long time and is not a relationship jumper. Gwen thinks Rosie’s refreshing in her old fashioned approach. Gwen says that Rosie’s volleyball and softball background is very cliché and Rosie laughs at that. Gwen says she’s always known that she was gay after Rosie asks how long she’s been out. Rosie finds Gwen interesting. Gwen finds Rosie a tad too Jersey.
Back to Andrew and Daniel. Andrew takes Daniel to a bar with a fashion show of hot guys modeling his underwear. Andrew asks Daniel if he’d like to go up there, too, and he agrees. Andrew is delighted. Off Daniel goes on stage in his teeny underpants and Andrew likes what he sees. Later on they dance and kiss.
STANGER ISLAND – WRAP UP
Patti and Justin call up Gwen to get the low-down. Gwen says they had a good time but didn’t feel a love connection. She was OK with that as she felt that Rosie didn’t dig her, either. Patti gets Rosie on Skype and Rosie confirms that Gwen and her would just be friends. Patti pats herself on the back because she can now take credit for Rosie being able to go out into the real world and date her ass off. Patti is a humanitarian.
Next, Patti and Justin call up Daniel. Daniel tells them about dinner in San Diego and the fashion show. He says they’re going out the next weekend and Patti’s stoked. Andrew comes into the office and confirms that Daniel is awesome. He says he brought Daniel to the fashion show to make sure he can handle his lifestyle and was pleased to find out he can roll with it. Patti didn’t like fashion show aspect of the first date but is glad it worked out anyway. Patti once again brings up Justin’s failure at recruiting lesbians for Rosie but conveniently forgets it was her pick that Rosie had zero chemistry with.
Title card tries to disagree with me by saying “after her experience with Guinevere, Rosie has more confidence. She has started dating a girl back on the East Coast.” Nice save, Patti. Andrew claims to have left his playboy image behind and is still dating Daniel. Aw. I hope that’s true.