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Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Joisey Underpants | TrashTalkTV

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Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Joisey Underpants

Happy New Year, Trashies!  Are you as ready as I am to give 2013 a big, swift kick in the cojones?  I can think of no better way to start off 2014 than with a new episode of heart melting love stories told to us by the cultured and demure jewel of Bravo’s TV crown, Patti Stanger.   

Today, Patti’s boyfriend David is giving her boxing lessons in a park somewhere.   Patti’s hitting his hands with her glove saying dumb things like “THIS is for not doing the dishes”.  I hope she slips and “accidentally” punches him in the nose.   Patti talking-heads that her “language of love” is East Coast because it’s all about constant sex and gifts while David is a wimpy, West Coast dude who needs constant affirmation.  Patti just described herself as a prostitute. 



  East Coast REPRESENT

Patti’s office and David walks in with a bag of thongs and underpants from designer Andrew Christian who wants to get his SAG card by being part of the Millionaire Club.  David explains that Andrew is sick of the Hollywood phonies and wants to meet someone that doesn’t know he’s a rich guy.  If he wants someone to like him for him, being part of a club with the word “millionaire” in its title isn’t exactly the stealth way to go about it, dude. 


Screams “gold diggers need not apply”, don’t it?

Andrew’s Video

Andrew’s 35, a clothing designer and has $4.2M to throw around.  He describes himself as the gay Hugh Hefner with his own Playboy mansion as a shot of his house, poolside, comes up on the screen (house porn!).  Patti’s squealing how much she loves him.  He says he has a hand (hmm-HMM) in picking all the models and then complains that there’s always ulterior motives once he starts dating them.  Either this dude is a complete A-hole or he’s the dumbest person on the planet if he thinks 20-something twinks want to go out with him for reasons other than the fact that he’s rich and connected.  Patti concurs.  Andrew says his relationships only last 2 weeks to a few months and has come to the realization that he’s picking the wrong guys.  You think?  Bottom line – he’s sick of the hit it and quit it and wants some longevity.  Patti likes Andrew and is worried that all the boys in her stable of rent-a-hos will know who he is.  David promises to scour West Hollywood for fresh meat.


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4 comments on “Millionaire Matchmaker Recap: Joisey Underpants

  1. Aunt Dorsey says:

    An appearance by the Dick “My wife tastes like fish” Wakile family — better than ipecac. Who needs a high colonic with the Wakiles on the planet? He’ll make you hurl until you’re a dry, empty husk. Every 46-year-old needs to be escorted by their sister and bozo-in-law to “The Patti Stanker Procurement Agency”.

    Yep, that Dick Wakile is a class act, grabbing his sister-in-law’s bubbies on screen. All we needed was Don Ho crooning “Tiny Bubbles” in the background. I’m sure doofus would have motor boated her as well, if it’d occurred to him. See, it’s not inappropriate because she’s a lesbian. Get it? Great joke, huh?

    This family togetherness was topped only by the dewy rosebud herself grabbing her tiny cousin, Slow Joe’s lunch box at the reunion. ‘Cause, hey, doesn’t everybody grab their cousin’s pecker on primetime TV? Oh, wait, I get it….it doesn’t COUNT ’cause she’s a lesbian….Good one!

    I liked Guinevere and was relieved for her that Rose “I’ll CUT YER FUCKING TONGUE OUT” Pierri wasn’t into her.

  2. rachelkashmir says:

    Patti is the most vulgar female on this planet. WHY in God’s green goodness would she think brining that human cold sore Ritchie along would help Rosie. All that ass clown does is mug for the camera. I dare say Rosie was a bit self-centered and obnoxious, too. As if she’s the only person in the world who works hard. Guinnie was too nice of a lady to be with Rosie.

    And I could have spent my entire life not seeing Patti in bootie shorts.

  3. Miss Annie says:

    Looks like I missed out on Wakile family shenanigans over at RHONJ, Aunt Dorsey. Richie sounds lovely.

  4. Miss Annie says:

    At first I thought Rosie was a bit charming in her blue-collar roughness. As the episode wore on, she became more and more obnoxious, didn’t she? Patti looked a bit wore out this episode, too. Bootie shorts! EEEP.

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