Dance Moms Recap | TrashTalkTV

Dance Mom Recap: Is It Season 4 Already? Get Out Your Adderall And Hair Extensions

We’re back with a new year and a new season of Dance Moms. Somebody upstairs loves us. And by “loves”, I totally mean “is punishing” us.

The first hour was a PreUnion of sorts. The moms and Abby meet up to talk about last season and give us some teasers about the new season. It starts with all the girls dancing to “Just Be”. They all look pretty. Like seriously, they all are such pretty girls. (Please don’t let anyone say I’m have nothing nice to say about these kids.) It takes about 13 seconds for me to want to shove an apple in Madi’s mouth. Close your mouth, not everything is that painful.

Bow down girls. Madi is back.

Bow down girls. Madi is back.

Now face the back!

Now face the back!

Jeff “Blah” Collins is here to introduce the dance moms. Holly looks stunning. Jill and Christie look much the same. Melissa and Kelly do too. Whatever. The moms already/still hate each other… or at least they hate Melissa and her homeschooling ways. There are accusations of lying and money and a plethora of other things. Abby sits in the back with Gianna snarling at them all.

Milktoast: (n). See Jeff Collins

Milktoast: (n). See Jeff Collins

Looks like someone found the "hair extension" clause in their contract.

Looks like someone found the “hair extension” clause in their contract.

"Why yes, Jeff. I'm still just as bitter and angry as I was last season."

“Why yes, Jeff. I’m still just as bitter and angry as I was last season.”

"When are we going to start talking about my Kendell?"

“When are we going to start talking about my Kendell?”

"Hi Jeff. Let me know if I need to sleep with you again."

“Hi Jeff. Let me know if I need to sleep with you again.”

It appears that our Abby has said no to fitness and yes to tanning beds.

It appears that our Abby has said no to fitness and yes to tanning beds.

The girls come out and Christie announces that Brooke has a boyfriend. Paige says she doesn’t leave them alone, so things stay on the up and up. Again, all the girls are really pretty. Nia talks about her new dog, Olive. Apparently Cathy was giving Olive to Abby after Broadway Baby croaked, but Abby didn’t like Olive’s bug eyes. Just thinking about Broadway Baby makes Abby cry. It makes me laugh.

Madi shares a story about Abby making Nia pretend to be handicap so her fat ass could board the plane faster. Fat isn’t a handicap. It’s disgusting… but it’s not a handicap. But teaching kids to pretend to be handicap when it’s convenient is awesome. Great job, Abby. Mack tells everyone to wear more lipstick. Kendell likes to model and Chloe is a whore keeping her options open by texting 14 boys.

Someone's been playing in her bowl of Adderall.

Someone’s been playing in her bowl of Adderall.

I meant your mom, but okay. You look lit too.

I meant your mom, but okay. You look lit too.

"Abby kicked the puppy because she was black."

“Abby kicked the puppy because she was black.”

"I wish I was black."

“I wish I was black.”

Even when this thing tells a funny story, she looks constipated.

Even when this thing tells a funny story, she looks constipated.

Lip gloss is a gateway drug.

Lip gloss is a gateway drug.

"Actually my mom is texting the 14 guys at my school."

“Actually my mom is texting the 14 guys at my school.”

I think we all need to give Blah a round of applause for managing to make a whole stage of people feel completely awkward. He’s the absolute WORST host. Cringeworthy.

The stage has been cleared to make room for Abby; in all her black and sequined glory. She seems to find a way to be more unlikeable. And it’s for this reason that I think this show may not be long for this world. Bitchy and mean are great… in doses. But all she does is scream and gripe. And if you’re like me… it starts to get old. Blah says that the possible “Tour” is the point of contention with the moms. Abby says she is going to only invest her time in talented girls that she can train. She says that she has to do this tour because Madi has been carrying the team. Blah wants to know what the girls should do to get into Abby’s good graces.

First out is Kelly. Kelly says that Abby isn’t concerned with anyone except for Madi. They argue about whether Paige was set up (she kinda was) or if Brooke is a one hit wonder (she kinda is). It’s so ugly. The whole talk. And Blah is just such a pussy. They have Brooke and her band The AutoTunes come out and sing. I don’t know what to say. She’s not great. But she’s what you expect. She’s a reality pop star and she should suck us for every dime she can get. Therapy will not be free. Unless she goes on Couples Therapy. But I really think that she and Paige are probably really nice, well-rounded kids. I thought Kelly had pulled her kids from the show… but now I’m not sure yet. My brain isn’t working fast enough to figure out what exactly is going on here.

#1 on iTunes. #1 in our hearts.

#1 on iTunes. #1 in our hearts.

After a break, it’s time to see Chloe dance. I (sadly) follow this kid on Instagram and she recently hit 1,000,000 followers. That’s insane. She and her mom are ALWAYS doing appearances. Christie is the Kris Jenner of the dance world. Or at least the dance “meet and greet” world.

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54 comments on “Dance Mom Recap: Is It Season 4 Already? Get Out Your Adderall And Hair Extensions

  1. No, I'm just glad to see you says:

    I hope it’s not a PR stunt. I’m not violent nor do I advocate for violence but I’m sure this melee was a lot of windmilling and screeching as opposed to any real damage being done. I’m tired of waiting for karma to catch up with people. If Kelly was karma’s agent, then so be it.

  2. Madelyne27 says:

    Sorry, none of the names ring any bells.

  3. Madelyne27 says:

    I totally heart Kim of Queens.

  4. Madelyne27 says:

    We can criticize anything we want. Suck it up.

  5. Madelyne27 says:

    No one would say anything about my kid because she’s gorgeous and well raised. Sorry. Ugly is ugly.

  6. Madelyne27 says:

    Honey, seriously? Try to regroup and come back later.

  7. Madelyne27 says:

    It was. I’m assuming it’s because they realized that Torrann was a sociopath.

  8. Madelyne27 says:

    Can you hook me up with some StarCrunches? I can’t find them anymore.

  9. Madelyne27 says:

    Thank you all for reading, commenting, and “Liking” my recap. Whether you agree or don’t, I truly love to hear what you all have to say. I mostly love hearing your opinions on things I may have missed. MADI. MILKTOAST. KENDELL. Do not correct my spelling. I know what I’m doing. (And by “know”, I mean do what I want.)

  10. Chicken Lips Chicken Lips says:

    Depends – where will it land me on the Commenter Pyramid? Melissa doesn’t give sexual favors if it doesn’t benefit Madi, I don’t find StarCrunches unless it benefits me. :)

  11. proud aunt says:

    I found this site looking for the video of my grand-niece Talia (not Thalia as spelled on TV). Just wanted to set the record straight. Talia’s mom (my niece), Jennifer, really is in a wheelchair – not a prop – due to a car accident when she was 16. She was a high school cheerleader when her life was turned upside-down. Since then she has been blessed with two beautiful daughters, both of whom have inherited Jennifer’s passion for dance.

  12. Jules says:

    You should be more responsible when writing this crap. Jennifer is not a “prop”. She is a beautiful woman who was paralyzed in a car accident when she was sixteen years old.I am her cousin and find your comments very distasteful. She has done wonderful things with her life since then. Her daughter Talia is a fabulous dancer. All you have to do is Google Jennifer and you will find numerous articles and videos about her journey since her accident.

  13. inidigo says:

    “lip gloss is a gateway drug”. goodness, that was funny!

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