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Dance Moms Recap | TrashTalkTV

Dance Mom Recap: Is It Season 4 Already? Get Out Your Adderall And Hair Extensions

We’re back with a new year and a new season of Dance Moms. Somebody upstairs loves us. And by “loves”, I totally mean “is punishing” us.

The first hour was a PreUnion of sorts. The moms and Abby meet up to talk about last season and give us some teasers about the new season. It starts with all the girls dancing to “Just Be”. They all look pretty. Like seriously, they all are such pretty girls. (Please don’t let anyone say I’m have nothing nice to say about these kids.) It takes about 13 seconds for me to want to shove an apple in Madi’s mouth. Close your mouth, not everything is that painful.

Bow down girls. Madi is back.

Bow down girls. Madi is back.

Now face the back!

Now face the back!

Jeff “Blah” Collins is here to introduce the dance moms. Holly looks stunning. Jill and Christie look much the same. Melissa and Kelly do too. Whatever. The moms already/still hate each other… or at least they hate Melissa and her homeschooling ways. There are accusations of lying and money and a plethora of other things. Abby sits in the back with Gianna snarling at them all.

Milktoast: (n). See Jeff Collins

Milktoast: (n). See Jeff Collins

Looks like someone found the "hair extension" clause in their contract.

Looks like someone found the “hair extension” clause in their contract.

"Why yes, Jeff. I'm still just as bitter and angry as I was last season."

“Why yes, Jeff. I’m still just as bitter and angry as I was last season.”

"When are we going to start talking about my Kendell?"

“When are we going to start talking about my Kendell?”

"Hi Jeff. Let me know if I need to sleep with you again."

“Hi Jeff. Let me know if I need to sleep with you again.”

It appears that our Abby has said no to fitness and yes to tanning beds.

It appears that our Abby has said no to fitness and yes to tanning beds.

The girls come out and Christie announces that Brooke has a boyfriend. Paige says she doesn’t leave them alone, so things stay on the up and up. Again, all the girls are really pretty. Nia talks about her new dog, Olive. Apparently Cathy was giving Olive to Abby after Broadway Baby croaked, but Abby didn’t like Olive’s bug eyes. Just thinking about Broadway Baby makes Abby cry. It makes me laugh.

Madi shares a story about Abby making Nia pretend to be handicap so her fat ass could board the plane faster. Fat isn’t a handicap. It’s disgusting… but it’s not a handicap. But teaching kids to pretend to be handicap when it’s convenient is awesome. Great job, Abby. Mack tells everyone to wear more lipstick. Kendell likes to model and Chloe is a whore keeping her options open by texting 14 boys.

Someone's been playing in her bowl of Adderall.

Someone’s been playing in her bowl of Adderall.

I meant your mom, but okay. You look lit too.

I meant your mom, but okay. You look lit too.

"Abby kicked the puppy because she was black."

“Abby kicked the puppy because she was black.”

"I wish I was black."

“I wish I was black.”

Even when this thing tells a funny story, she looks constipated.

Even when this thing tells a funny story, she looks constipated.

Lip gloss is a gateway drug.

Lip gloss is a gateway drug.

"Actually my mom is texting the 14 guys at my school."

“Actually my mom is texting the 14 guys at my school.”

I think we all need to give Blah a round of applause for managing to make a whole stage of people feel completely awkward. He’s the absolute WORST host. Cringeworthy.

The stage has been cleared to make room for Abby; in all her black and sequined glory. She seems to find a way to be more unlikeable. And it’s for this reason that I think this show may not be long for this world. Bitchy and mean are great… in doses. But all she does is scream and gripe. And if you’re like me… it starts to get old. Blah says that the possible “Tour” is the point of contention with the moms. Abby says she is going to only invest her time in talented girls that she can train. She says that she has to do this tour because Madi has been carrying the team. Blah wants to know what the girls should do to get into Abby’s good graces.

First out is Kelly. Kelly says that Abby isn’t concerned with anyone except for Madi. They argue about whether Paige was set up (she kinda was) or if Brooke is a one hit wonder (she kinda is). It’s so ugly. The whole talk. And Blah is just such a pussy. They have Brooke and her band The AutoTunes come out and sing. I don’t know what to say. She’s not great. But she’s what you expect. She’s a reality pop star and she should suck us for every dime she can get. Therapy will not be free. Unless she goes on Couples Therapy. But I really think that she and Paige are probably really nice, well-rounded kids. I thought Kelly had pulled her kids from the show… but now I’m not sure yet. My brain isn’t working fast enough to figure out what exactly is going on here.

#1 on iTunes. #1 in our hearts.

#1 on iTunes. #1 in our hearts.

After a break, it’s time to see Chloe dance. I (sadly) follow this kid on Instagram and she recently hit 1,000,000 followers. That’s insane. She and her mom are ALWAYS doing appearances. Christie is the Kris Jenner of the dance world. Or at least the dance “meet and greet” world.

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54 comments on “Dance Mom Recap: Is It Season 4 Already? Get Out Your Adderall And Hair Extensions

  1. Chicken Lips Chicken Lips says:

    Yay for Madelyne’s ‘caps! Boo for Dance Moms! I watched both episodes last night and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to do it this go around. I’ll probably still watch but this will be a show that I’ll be doing other things during and I probably won’t pause or rewind or anything. The yelling and the fighting is completely tedious and repetitive. If it is scripted it is a terrible script. If it is real then those people need to get the hell away from each other right quick and in a hurry because DAMN!

    I swear – I’m going to Google Abby Lee’s studio to get the address so I can send poor Maddie some Dulcolax, Metamucil and applesauce because homegirl needs some more fiber in her diet.

  2. No, I'm just glad to see you says:

    What a difference a year makes. I tried to give two copulations about this show but just wasn’t in to it. Even the characters I used to like made me want to bring back public floggings. These people are nuts and Abby is deplorable. I will watch out of habit but it is only your witty recaps and letting my snark flag fly that will keep me from jumping off the reality TV ledge.

  3. cattyfan says:

    “Milktoast”: something used to make breakfast.

    “Milquetoast”: a peripheral literary reference to Caspar Milqutoast meaning timid, weak, or wimpy.

  4. Meaghan says:

    Did anyone catch the “this season on Dance Moms” montage at the end of the episode? Holy crap! It looks like Kelly slaps Abby across the face! When does THAT episode air?!

    On another note, the kids seemed super sweet on the pre-union episode. And…well…I…I hope Maddie grows into her looks when she hits puberty. ’nuff said.

    Holly’s new hair is great; maybe she should give Abby some pointers (as if).

    New Dance Moms drinking game; take a drink every time Jill says the words “my Kendall” or “solo” in regards to Kendall. You won’t last the full episode. Seriously, Jill.

    Can we just vote Nia the MVP of this show? She’s awesome. She, Paige, and Mackenzie can get their own spin-off show and no one will be mad. Except for Maddieisbeingheldcaptiveinmybasementforalleternity.

    And hey Brooke, if the singing thing doesn’t work out, there’s always the showgirl career path in Vegas.

  5. Moli says:

    I’m happy that most people love Nia, that girl is an overall(from what I’ve seen) nice girl. Is she the best dancer… hell no, but Nia as a person wants me to invite her over for a slumber party with my 8 year old. I agree with Meaghan, there should be a spin-off show featuring ,my favorite girls Mack, Paige and Nia…with Chloe guest appearances :). Geez Louise… Payton grew another foot while they were on break, what is she 6′ already(I’ll admit I have a nice keg, while she has an amazing 6 pack).

    • Girl Pleez says:

      My daughter says that Nia is the only one she would actually like to hang out with.

    • nettaboo says:

      This show is working my nerves. If you go to the Abby Lee Dance website and compare competition results to what is on t.v. you have to wonder are these kids screwing up on purpose. Now places top 5 in non-invitational competitions as does Kendall. Lifetime makes it seem like Maddie is just way better. We all know Chloe, Brooke and Paige only appear on the show. Payton is actually really talented, Kendall’s sister is too. I know the show is edited but it’s time for a new plot. Why can’t all the girls shine.

  6. melmid says:

    Jana Kramer is a country music artist with I think 2 or 3 singles that have been played on country radio. She is probably better known as Brantley Gilberts (another country artist, a little better known) one time gf. She also was on one tree hill?

  7. stinkyhousewives says:

    Here we go again. Same season same show. Maddie’s usual death drop and winning everything, other girls keep trying to be #1, moms yell at each other and Abby. I think I’m done with this show, and these moms, its getting really boring.

  8. LOVETV says:

    I used to love this show and I could not wait for Jan 1st for it to be on. Honestly, last season seemed to last forever, it became painful. I think it will not be on long unless they change something. That is of course people feel the same way that I feel. I am tired of the arguing over the same thing. These are grown women…control yourselves. I am mostly tired of the Maddie show. I used to watch the dances over and over again where I could see them….I remember some of them were so beautiful and the girls were so talented for such little girls. I was so looking forward to watching them ALL grow up and seeing how much better the dances would get. I am tired of watching the same thing…Maddie and her back up dancers. I agree that the moms can’t complain that Maddie is at an advantage because of homeschooling. If they want their kids to have an advantage perhaps they should look into alternatives. I love watching Chloe. I would love to see her do some more beautiful ballet and lyrical pieces. I also love watching the other girls..Brook, Paige, Nia. I would love to see them do something a little different. I wont watch the Maddie show for much longer. I think that it is wrong for many reasons.

  9. Girl Pleez says:

    I thought Abby’s bitch routine was actually pretty forced and over the top, like they can’t think of any other way to generate interest. It looks like Kalani (My kids call her Kahlua) is in some of the publicity shots for the season.
    Did anyone watch that Kim of Queens show that was on afterward? Soooo bad…(not in a fun snarkfest way.)

  10. Dani Dani says:

    I’ve been so looking forward to reading your recap since I heard it would be on. You’re hilarious!!

    I just can’t deal with another season of Madi Madi Madi…. I feel so bad by the way I feel when I just see this child… I know she’s just a kid, but whenever I see her face and especially her same old solo she’s been doing for 3 years now, I just can’t stand her. I know it isn’t right, but just how I feel. I would rather watch ANYONE do a solo instead of Madi!

    I think that solo Kendall did at nationals was for Chloe and after watching her do it, and the fact she got 2nd place (probably not much competition there) I think Chloe could have beaten Madi with that, but of course Abby wasn’t going to take a chance on her obsession, Madi, NOT winning, so why not give it to Kendall who is clearly not in the same league as either Madi or Chloe. Also, where the hell was Chloe’s cake when she won the previous year over Madi? I’m willing to beat she didn’t get a cake for that..

    Anyway, keep’em coming Madelyn. I so look forward to your recaps every week!!! :)

    • stinkyhousewives says:

      You are not alone, I feel the same way about Maddie. So tired of her death drop endings and her endless reaching and looking at her hand sadly. It’s just sooo played out and tired, but the fault truly lies with Abby her repetitive choreography and bad teaching.

    • lUVlIz says:

      All of them get the same choreography especially brooke. The same 5 acro tricks in every solo

  11. Meaghan says:

    Who wants to bet that Asia’s off at stripper-in-training camp out in Vegas? Her mom probably works at one of the topless shows there. Funny how Abby barely mentioned it this episode when in last season’s finale she was all in a tizzy over Asia leaving.

  12. Clara says:

    I would bet that Kelly hits Abby in ep7 because starting ep8 Paige and Brooke don’t go to competitions with them anymore (well so far they haven’t come back, they’re on ep11 now I think).
    I hope they come back because I actually root for those kids. I feel bad for Brooke because the show makes her look like she has no personality but as you can see from this talk show and from meet and greet videos online, she’s not like that at all.
    This show used to keep me interested and I’ll probably keep watching it but it honestly just ends up depressing me. It doesn’t matter if Abby thinks she has their best interests at heart. She’s absolutely horrible. Anyone who can watch children cry like that and not care…

  13. Tatum says:

    this is VERY rude! I mean YOU cant dance like they do so why are you criticizing them?! btw its Maddie and Kendall idk why you guys hate it so much. If you just put aside the drama and realize that all the girls aren’t selfish brats… You cant criticize what you haven’t seen or experienced… just sayin…

  14. caht says:

    wtf is wrong with you people making fun of little kids, especially how they look? can you imagine someone saying this shit about your kids? get over yourselves.

  15. Pete says:

    I hope kalani comes and give chloe a run for her money, how old is she like 13? Im so sick of hearing christi. That lady is never happy. Abby bring on the replacements!!!

  16. heyyyy says:

    Maddie is amazing and shes the best!

  17. heyyyy says:

    Maddie’s the best! She did amazing and she deserved first

  18. heyyyy says:

    Maddie did amazing and deserved 1st!

  19. Meaghan says:

    Looks like Maddiesnumberonefanforever is back…

  20. cattyfan says:

    Yay!!!!! It’s not even a week into 2014, and the crazies have arrived!!!!

  21. DM says:

    I didn’t know Cheer Perfection was cancelled.

  22. Moli says:

    Oh my gosh you guys* in whiny teenager voice*, you can’t say anything bad about Maddie *foot stomp*. Maddieislockedinmyclosetandillneverletherout, is going to get upset again, she may report us to the Internet Police(or was that only for Toddlers and Tiaras)

  23. LynnB says:

    WOW they got here quick this year didn’t they cattyfan? LMAO!!! Imagine snarky comments on a websit devoted to snarky recaps! madelyn27…your captions are the best! I LOL at all of them.
    Christie is the same mean bitch, Jill is still insane, I feel so comforted when things remain the same…and if Abby doesn’t stop with the tanning next year’s special will be AbbyLee’s Cancer Scare.

  24. Chicken Lips Chicken Lips says:

    Oh good – Madi’s aunt found us! Let the good times roll! I’ll bring the Little Debbies and Great Value Vodka.

  25. Oh Dance Moms, I just can’t quit you. Didn’t watch much last season, but I feel myself getting sucked back in. I see I didn’t miss much from skipping last season- Abby is still crazy, Maddie is still Abby’s favorite, and everyone else is not worthy.

  26. Abby was a guest judge at Cheer Extreme All Stars (North Carolina) showcase this fall. A couple friend’s have kids there and said she is nothing like she is on tv. She gave out awards, gave feedback, and then did a photo/autograph session that she gave the money to the teams as a fundraiser. She seemed genuinely impressed with the all star kids. She didn’t even have a handler with her, two moms from the gym helped her out all day.

  27. Xanadu says:

    great recap, very funny!

  28. SickledFeet says:

    I was praying this show would start off on the right foot but nooooo, same crap. Abby has gone from being a frigid bitch to becoming downright evil. She starts out by threatening to replace the girls so that Maddie can dance with girls who would support her. WTF? She continues to put her constipated/hardboiled egg in her ball sac, and seriously Abby, who will continue to watch if its going to be “All about MADDIE”. The dance Maddie performed to “Maddie” made me lose my dinner! Christi used to be my favorite with her snarky attitude but now she comes off as petty and jealous. Kelly doesn’t care to hide the fact that she is either drunk or drugged out. Jill is right behind Christi with her petty and jealous ways. Melissa’s blow-job funds have bought her new boobs, liposuction on her ass, and a tummy tuck. Jolly is still Jolly, love the hair extensions. (Sorry they didn’t last) Leslie is null and void.
    The fun and laughter is gone from this show and it shows in the girls faces. No more smiles from their once innocent faces. Their dancing has suffered because they are dancing to mediocre choreography and they are not even trying to improve.
    The ALDC has become a caricature of itself. Jeff Collins the misogynist fucked these women front and back and I pray he releases them from this hellhole of a place called Abby Lee Dance Company.

  29. Seeking the Truth in All Things says:

    Word of Kelly’s arrest in New York for assaulting ALM came out today. Wonder if it is a PRs taunt since no charges have been brought against Kelly. Thoughts?

  30. Seeking the Truth in All Things says:

    Sorry…hate autocorrect. “A PR stunt…”

  31. No, I'm just glad to see you says:

    I hope it’s not a PR stunt. I’m not violent nor do I advocate for violence but I’m sure this melee was a lot of windmilling and screeching as opposed to any real damage being done. I’m tired of waiting for karma to catch up with people. If Kelly was karma’s agent, then so be it.

  32. Madelyne27 says:

    Thank you all for reading, commenting, and “Liking” my recap. Whether you agree or don’t, I truly love to hear what you all have to say. I mostly love hearing your opinions on things I may have missed. MADI. MILKTOAST. KENDELL. Do not correct my spelling. I know what I’m doing. (And by “know”, I mean do what I want.)

  33. proud aunt says:

    I found this site looking for the video of my grand-niece Talia (not Thalia as spelled on TV). Just wanted to set the record straight. Talia’s mom (my niece), Jennifer, really is in a wheelchair – not a prop – due to a car accident when she was 16. She was a high school cheerleader when her life was turned upside-down. Since then she has been blessed with two beautiful daughters, both of whom have inherited Jennifer’s passion for dance.

  34. Jules says:

    You should be more responsible when writing this crap. Jennifer is not a “prop”. She is a beautiful woman who was paralyzed in a car accident when she was sixteen years old.I am her cousin and find your comments very distasteful. She has done wonderful things with her life since then. Her daughter Talia is a fabulous dancer. All you have to do is Google Jennifer and you will find numerous articles and videos about her journey since her accident.

  35. inidigo says:

    “lip gloss is a gateway drug”. goodness, that was funny!

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