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Dance Mom Recap: Is It Season 4 Already? Get Out Your Adderall And Hair Extensions

We’re back with a new year and a new season of Dance Moms. Somebody upstairs loves us. And by “loves”, I totally mean “is punishing” us.

The first hour was a PreUnion of sorts. The moms and Abby meet up to talk about last season and give us some teasers about the new season. It starts with all the girls dancing to “Just Be”. They all look pretty. Like seriously, they all are such pretty girls. (Please don’t let anyone say I’m have nothing nice to say about these kids.) It takes about 13 seconds for me to want to shove an apple in Madi’s mouth. Close your mouth, not everything is that painful.

Bow down girls. Madi is back.

Bow down girls. Madi is back.

Now face the back!

Now face the back!

Jeff “Blah” Collins is here to introduce the dance moms. Holly looks stunning. Jill and Christie look much the same. Melissa and Kelly do too. Whatever. The moms already/still hate each other… or at least they hate Melissa and her homeschooling ways. There are accusations of lying and money and a plethora of other things. Abby sits in the back with Gianna snarling at them all.

Milktoast: (n). See Jeff Collins

Milktoast: (n). See Jeff Collins

Looks like someone found the "hair extension" clause in their contract.

Looks like someone found the “hair extension” clause in their contract.

"Why yes, Jeff. I'm still just as bitter and angry as I was last season."

“Why yes, Jeff. I’m still just as bitter and angry as I was last season.”

"When are we going to start talking about my Kendell?"

“When are we going to start talking about my Kendell?”

"Hi Jeff. Let me know if I need to sleep with you again."

“Hi Jeff. Let me know if I need to sleep with you again.”

It appears that our Abby has said no to fitness and yes to tanning beds.

It appears that our Abby has said no to fitness and yes to tanning beds.

The girls come out and Christie announces that Brooke has a boyfriend. Paige says she doesn’t leave them alone, so things stay on the up and up. Again, all the girls are really pretty. Nia talks about her new dog, Olive. Apparently Cathy was giving Olive to Abby after Broadway Baby croaked, but Abby didn’t like Olive’s bug eyes. Just thinking about Broadway Baby makes Abby cry. It makes me laugh.

Madi shares a story about Abby making Nia pretend to be handicap so her fat ass could board the plane faster. Fat isn’t a handicap. It’s disgusting… but it’s not a handicap. But teaching kids to pretend to be handicap when it’s convenient is awesome. Great job, Abby. Mack tells everyone to wear more lipstick. Kendell likes to model and Chloe is a whore keeping her options open by texting 14 boys.

Someone's been playing in her bowl of Adderall.

Someone’s been playing in her bowl of Adderall.

I meant your mom, but okay. You look lit too.

I meant your mom, but okay. You look lit too.

"Abby kicked the puppy because she was black."

“Abby kicked the puppy because she was black.”

"I wish I was black."

“I wish I was black.”

Even when this thing tells a funny story, she looks constipated.

Even when this thing tells a funny story, she looks constipated.

Lip gloss is a gateway drug.

Lip gloss is a gateway drug.

"Actually my mom is texting the 14 guys at my school."

“Actually my mom is texting the 14 guys at my school.”

I think we all need to give Blah a round of applause for managing to make a whole stage of people feel completely awkward. He’s the absolute WORST host. Cringeworthy.

The stage has been cleared to make room for Abby; in all her black and sequined glory. She seems to find a way to be more unlikeable. And it’s for this reason that I think this show may not be long for this world. Bitchy and mean are great… in doses. But all she does is scream and gripe. And if you’re like me… it starts to get old. Blah says that the possible “Tour” is the point of contention with the moms. Abby says she is going to only invest her time in talented girls that she can train. She says that she has to do this tour because Madi has been carrying the team. Blah wants to know what the girls should do to get into Abby’s good graces.

First out is Kelly. Kelly says that Abby isn’t concerned with anyone except for Madi. They argue about whether Paige was set up (she kinda was) or if Brooke is a one hit wonder (she kinda is). It’s so ugly. The whole talk. And Blah is just such a pussy. They have Brooke and her band The AutoTunes come out and sing. I don’t know what to say. She’s not great. But she’s what you expect. She’s a reality pop star and she should suck us for every dime she can get. Therapy will not be free. Unless she goes on Couples Therapy. But I really think that she and Paige are probably really nice, well-rounded kids. I thought Kelly had pulled her kids from the show… but now I’m not sure yet. My brain isn’t working fast enough to figure out what exactly is going on here.

#1 on iTunes. #1 in our hearts.

#1 on iTunes. #1 in our hearts.

After a break, it’s time to see Chloe dance. I (sadly) follow this kid on Instagram and she recently hit 1,000,000 followers. That’s insane. She and her mom are ALWAYS doing appearances. Christie is the Kris Jenner of the dance world. Or at least the dance “meet and greet” world.

Blah, Kelly, and Abby are joined by Christie, and Jill. They talk about their contracts and apologies. Christie hopes that Abby is a big enough woman to accept her apology. They get into a fight about Booty Camp and the educational system and PE. I’m so tired. I wish they didn’t have to yell ALL the time. Crap… we’re back to Booty Camp-Gate. Jill is in the hot seat now. Blah wants to know what Jill is going to do to suck up to Abby. I wish she would just say that she was buying her a biggie-sized milkshake.

British Blah introduces Madi’s dance titled “Madi”. Her teeth. Her sass. Her hand. I just can’t. I shouldn’t. But I will. She’s so fking annoying to watch. And I thought about it; Madi doesn’t do or say anything mean or ugly… but she is such a puppet. She genuinely seems like a really boring kid that has learned how to mimic normal behavior.

Holy and Melissa join the rest of the group on stage. Abby says she didn’t give Nia any solos last season because she sucked. Holy respectfully asks that Abby give Nia a shot this year. Kelly wants to know why Abby isn’t happy for Brooke, and Abby says that it’s because Brooke sucks at singing. Kelly says it’s because Abby wishes she were making money off of Brooke. Can’t we just agree it’s a little bit of both?

The moms all think that Madi and Mack have an advantage because they are home schooled. Guys, am I the only one that is having trouble with this preunion? Does everything have to be negative? Does everything have to end in an argument? Of course they have an advantage. That’s a big reason people home school. My sister home schooled her 4 kids all the way from kindergarten to high school. And they are all amazing athletes… And come college tuition time, we all wish our kids were amazing athletes.

Kendell comes out and performs Voodoo Doll. I’m sorry, but I wasn’t impressed. I wanted to be… I swear. But it wasn’t even entertaining to watch. Like the choreography and costume didn’t go with the music… Oh what do I know? At least it wasn’t BowBow.

Blah asks Abby if any of the kids are going to be replaced. Abby says they will be traveling around the country to see. Abby has another big surprise… Her name is Thalia and she’s the bestest dancer ever in the history of everdome. And she is joined by her wheelchair bound mother, Jennifer. Seriously? Can this be more scripted? How is Christie going to be able to throw a drink on a lady in a wheelchair?

Seriously? We're going to try to play the wheelchair card? Already?

Seriously? We’re going to try to play the wheelchair card? Already?

Sorry Lady, you are a prop.

Sorry lady, you are a prop.

"I guess I'll have to cripple myself so Nia has a fighting chance."

“I guess I’ll have to cripple myself so Nia has a fighting chance.”

"My botox leaves me crippled."

“My botox leaves me crippled.”

Thalia dances while her mother… well… sits to the music. I like Thalia’s costume a ton. Her teeth all fit in her mouth and I think I actually like the dance. I’m assuming this means it’s the last I’ve seen of her.

Blah invites us all the watch the show this season to see what is to come. Thanks, Blah.

And now that my ire is up, it’s time for the first episode of Season 4. They have a new opening clip. It has Kelly, Brooke and Page in it, so I’m assuming they are on the team.

New year. New energy. And Old Payton. She has grown another 3 feet. Abby reminds them that everyone is replaceable and that she is holding auditions across the country to do just that. But first, let’s get everyone nice and angry.

"TA-DA!!! I'm bigger than ever."

“TA-DA!!! I’m bigger than ever.”

Apparently none of the moms have heeded my fashion advice.

Apparently none of the moms have heeded my fashion advice.

Okay, so Chloe looks older... and Payton's abs. Ugh.

Okay, so Chloe looks older… and Payton’s abs. Ugh.

Sorry Leslie, I still see your double chins.

Sorry Leslie, I still see your double chins.

Someone has been hanging out with Snooki.

Someone has been hanging out with Snooki.

Bottom of the pyramid: Chloe. She promises to work hard this season and apologies for what happened at Nationals last year. Next, Payton. She apologized too, but Christie is mad that Chloe is lower on the lowest level of the pyramid than Payton. Are they NEVER not mad? Anyway, next. Nia. And then finally, Brooke.

Chloe will be appearing on next season of Sister Wives.

Chloe will be appearing on next season of Sister Wives.

Just be happy that you're even on the pyramid.

Just be happy that you’re even on the pyramid.

"Seriously? Bottom row?"

“Seriously? Bottom row?”

"Kelly, get ready to lose your sht."

“Kelly, get ready to lose your sht.”

#1 on iTunes. But still bottom of the pyramid.

#1 on iTunes. But still bottom of the pyramid.

See how that works, Kelly?

See how that works, Kelly?

Middle row: Paige. Then Mackenzie (awesome headshot). Abby says that Mack worked harder because of Asia. I had completely forgotten about Asia. Ha. Next is Kendell… but wait. It’s not. Abby takes Kendell’s picture and swaps it with Nia. So now Nia is in the coveted second spot and Kendell is down with the losers. Apparently Kendell went on vacation instead of going to Booty Camp. Abby says that it was wrong because Kendell got to go to Nationals and even had a solo, but then when she was supposed to do a contracted camp, they went on vacation instead. Now, I RARELY find myself agreeing with Abby, but in this case I do think she has a point. If Kendell knew about it 6 months in advance, then there is no reason that she shouldn’t be there. I agree that she shouldn’t get to be a part of the team’s national ranking, but not be part of the contracted work. Sorry Jill. You’re wrong. But the best part was Nia grinning smugly (in a cute way), saying, “That’s more like it”. I think I might need a Nia and Paige breakout show.

This girl...

This girl…

...is this girl.

…is this girl. Hmmm.

Kendell, you made it to the coveted 2nd place spot.

Kendell, you made it to the coveted 2nd place spot.

It's nice that you're so happy.

It’s nice that you’re so happy

But it makes this so much more awkward.

But it makes this so much more awkward.

Yeah. This is happening.

Yeah. This is happening.

One of these girls is happy.

One of these girls is happy.

It might be this one.

It might be this one.

Because she seems to be breaking out in hives.

Because she seems to be breaking out in hives.

Top of the pyramid: Madi. They show us a video montage of Madi and her horse teeth winning Nationals.

Madi, sweetie, this is when you're supposed to smile.

Madi, sweetie, this is when you’re supposed to smile.

That's better. Minus the grill.

That’s better. Minus the grill.

This week, Madi and Nia get solos. Abby says she’s rewarding Nia for working so hard. Paige, Chloe, and Kendell are doing a trio. The group routine is called “Girls Night Out”. With that, the moms are excused (to go fight in another room), while the girls start rehearsal. The group dance is a recreation of Christie and Leslie’s fight in New Orleans.

Abby’s hair has taken on a life of it’s own, as does her obsession with Madi. She stops the practice and promises Madi that she promises to replace the other girls if they can’t keep up with her.

Holy didn’t like that Abby swapped the girls’ pictures, but she did know that Nia has worked hard. She tells Jill that while she understands her frustration, there was no reason to throw Nia under the bus to build up Kendell. (Jill said that Nia didn’t deserve that spot because she hadn’t danced at Nationals. She meant that she didn’t have a solo at Nationals… but the ugliness was there just the same.) Jill shouldn’t have to step all over another kid just to build Kendell up.

Back downstairs, Abby is passive-aggressively teaching Payton and Chloe how to reenact their moms’ fight.

Abby and Madi are working on a Birthday dance. Abby is teaching Madi how to blow. She tells her that if she spits it’s okay. (That’s debatable.) But okay. Gianna comes in with a big cake for Madi’s win at Nationals. I know this will come as a surprise, but JILL WANTS TO KNOW WHERE KENDELL’S CAKE IS. Holy Validation Batman… Jill is rapidly losing what little respect I had for her. You don’t get a cake for 2nd place. Everyone knows that. Just like you don’t get a birthday cake the day after your birthday. Just shut up. Surely somewhere there’s a vial of Botox screaming your name.

"First you grab him by the balls and make yourself smile."

“First you grab him by the balls and make yourself smile.”

"And then just spread your arms and blow."

“And then just spread your arms and blow.”

"And blow some more."

“And blow some more.”

"And then try to keep you mouth closed."

“And then try to keep you mouth closed.”

"This is how you make boys buy you cake."

“This is how you make boys buy you cake.”

Nia’s solo is called Freedom in Paradise. Abby says that Nia was in the studio all summer working her butt off. Upstairs, Jill is still complaining that Kendell deserves this solo. I’m mentally stabbing her in the head.

Nobody told me that I could wear kneepads.

Nobody told me that I could wear kneepads.

Group rehearsal is starting and Brooke is nowhere to be found. She’s apparently been asked to sing with some singer. Kelly says that this singer asked Brooke outside of the studio. But apparently this singer also asked Abby to choreograph a dance to one of this chick’s songs. So, okay, Kelly. Brooke got this gig without Abby Lee… but let’s be honest… anything and everything that is offered to these girls is because of Dance Moms. Not one of them is quite talented enough to become a superstar on their own merit. I’m sorry. They are more talented than I am. But so are my dogs.

Dear Abby's Stylist, What is wrong with you?

Dear Abby’s Stylist, What is your plan with Abby’s hair?

Apparently Kelly's tanning bed didn't have a timer.

Apparently Kelly’s tanning bed didn’t have a timer.

Abby finishes breaking Brooke’s spirit when she arrives by having her dance head to head with Payton the Hun. Leslie goes after Kelly and Kelly just wants her to shut up. I actually like Kelly to some extent so far. Better than most the other moms. I’m not a fan of her reverse mullet hairdo, but I do like that her girls have lives outside of this choreographed train wreck of a show. (I’m talking to you, Blah.)

Leslie says that no on cares about Peyton. I’m glad she finally realized that. Kelly wants Payton to sing next to Brooke for a sing-off.

Jill, determined as always to be relevant, interrupts their fight so she can complain about Kendell’s trio not being finished. Ugh. Shut. Up. It’s. A. Fking. Trio. I’m sure they will learn it. Abby excuses the girls so they can go see Brooke in concert.

At the concert, Brooke is talking to the singer, and the singer is telling Brooke that she doesn’t have to pick dance over singing… that she can do both. Oh. Her name is Jana Kramer. I’m almost 100% positive that I did not hear one note actually being sung at this concert. Jana pulls Brooke up on stage and Kelly is worried she will forget the words. Good news, Kelly… you don’t have to know the words when you lip sync. And then the singing starts. Nails on a chalkboard. And just when I didn’t think I could be more uncomfortable, I see Christie twerking on Chloe’s leg.

Brooke is just happy to get some sober advice.

Brooke is just happy to get some sober advice.

Kelly clearly has found the bar.

Kelly clearly has found the bar.

I don't know who you are. But that's probably on me.

I don’t know who you are. But that’s probably on me.

"Where am I and how did I get here."

“Where am I and how did I get here.”

Chloe is having a meet and greet with her mom's stable of boys.

Chloe is having a meet and greet with her mom’s stable of boys.

Another fashion disaster. Why is she donning something that we typically see her mother wear?

Another fashion disaster. Why is she donning something that we typically see her mother wear?

It's easy to sing, assuming you don't have to sing.

It’s easy to sing, assuming you don’t have to sing.

Christi knows how to keep the boys riled up.

Christi knows how to keep the boys riled up.

There is one day before the competition and Abby is prepared to replace the whole team. Nia is first and Holy is happy that Abby is pushing Nia this year. Seriously, Holy’s talking heads are so pretty. Abby clapped for Nia and Holy was so happy. Jill can’t figure out how to move Kendell up that suck up tree.

"Are you my mother?"

“Are you my mother?”

Meh, close enough.

Meh, close enough.

The trio is finally learning their dance called Buckle Up. Abby says these 3 girls aren’t in sync and they aren’t “hot”. Kelly is glad that Paige gets to dance, but Jill doesn’t want Kendell to get stuck in the rut with Paige and Chloe. I think that Kendell looks the worst out of the three.

They get to the competition and Abby says that she felt like Justin Bieber. She looks like she’s smuggling Justin Bieber in under her shirt. Or maybe she just thinks that Justin is the only person that might be a bigger douche than she is.

The get their costumes and Nia looks great. The trio has really cute costumes too. Abby says that Kendell screwed herself by (say it with me) “not going to Booty Camp”. Okay, I’m watching the trio. I’m keeping an open mind. My first thought is, “wow, these girls are really white”. My second and third thoughts were exactly the same. But they did well. Jill says that Kendell lit up the stage. She didn’t.

Let's try to keep it together. For your moms.

Let’s try to keep it together. For your moms.

Hi judge who takes herself too seriously.

Hi judge who takes herself too seriously.

Next is Madi. Melissa says Madi has to stay Abby’s fav, because she has Nia and Kendell nipping at her heals. Well, let’s see what Madi is bringing to the table this season. A bun. Some teeth. A hand. A foot. A longing. And constipation. Melissa cries. Abby woohoos in true Vicki Gulvasan style.

Party's here!

Party’s here!

Time to see the New, Improved Nia. She does look stunning. I am a little tired of all the lyrical, but one thing I liked about Nia was that her facial expressions changed. She sort of slipped out of a front thingy (that’s the technical term). It wasn’t amazing or perfect… but she looked great and should be proud of herself. Abby talks to her and is shockingly kind.

You've got this.

You’ve got this.

Lookin' good, Holly.

Lookin’ good, Holly.

Yes, Judge. I see you being all important over there.

Yes, Judge. I see you being all important over there.

Come on, Nia!

Come on, Nia!

This is all you.

This is all you.

I don't think anyone noticed.

Crap! Maybe no one noticed.

Ugh, except for this one.

Ugh, she did.

WTF happened to your hair? You were doing so well.

WTF happened to your hair? You were doing so well.

Abby reminds that moms and dancers that she is still looking for replacements. She is looking for young, short, and strong legs. Payton the Hun and her mom both realize that Abby is looking for the OPPOSITE of what they bring to the table… Christi is positive that she is specifically talking about Chloe. Basically the moms are all completely self-involved and think that everything is about them.

Leslie continues to fight with Payton’s hair and Payton starts ugly crying. Melissa wisely sees the problem and offers to help so that Payton and her mom won’t fight. But seriously, this isn’t about hair. Payton is crying because Abby wishes she were more like Brooke. You know, talented, pretty, and not so fking annoying. Leslie, you may want to get a self mutilation hotline on speed dial.

Abby has the girls go through their group dance but she overhears Leslie telling the other moms that she is worried that Abby wants to replace The Hun. I actually appreciate Abby for a change, because she tells Leslie that she’s sick of hearing her bitch and complain all the time. She says she invited The Hun to dance with them this week because it was a dance that she looked good dancing and that she had even put her in the middle. Yeah! Suck it, Leslie.

Cut to The Hun’s abs. Cut to my lack of abs. Well played, Payton. Well played.

Anyway, this sends Payton on another crying jag.

Time for “Girls Night Out”. Mack looks so cute. Actually they all look great, but Nia and Paige are the most exciting for me to watch. They have fun. Abby said they all looked like a hot mess. Especially Brooke. Color me wrong, again.

The crushing reality that she will never be on the team.

The crushing reality that she will never be on the team.

Suck it up. Big girls don't cry.

Suck it up. Big girls don’t cry.

Ask the biggest girl.

Ask the biggest girl.

I'm assuming she's well into her battle with bulimia.

I’m assuming she’s well into her battle with bulimia.

She ain't heavy, she's my mother.

She ain’t heavy, she’s my mother.

Atilla the Hun steals the show.

Attila the Hun steals the show.

Do you get points off for trying too hard?

Do you get points off for trying too hard?

If she squints, her daughter doesn't look so gigantic.

If she squints, her daughter doesn’t look so gigantic.

Trio – First Place – Paige, Chloe, and Kendell.

Solos – First Place – Madi. Ugh. Nia didn’t place at all. And stupid Jill was smiling. Boo.

Group – Third Place – Girls Night Out! Abby is not happy.

Back in the dressing room. Or rather the dressing down room. Abby is making sure that everyone knows that this loss is not her fault. She tells Kelly that Brooke should stick to singing. Additionally she tells Kelly that she is a bitch.

Later bitches!

Later bitches!

Next week the team goes to Ohio and that means one thing… Cathy.

I anxious to hear what you guys thought of these first two episodes. Do you think the constant fighting is getting tedious? I certainly don’t like fake, make nice scenes… but this is getting very pointed and extremely uncomfortable. Last season I recapped 4 shows. Two them have been cancelled. Perhaps I have the opposite of the Midas touch. But instead of turning a show to gold, they get cancelled. (Teen Mom 3 and Cheer Perfection.) At least Teen Mom 2 is as still alive and kicking as is the fetus in Jenelle’s womb.

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