Sister Wives Recap: Apple, Meet Tree

doofusCardboard:  the gift that says I Love You all over again.

Howdy, Trashmii!  Here we are again, at another season of the never-ending saga that is Sister Wives.  You may have read in the news that the Browns won their court case in Utah, which now frees them to move back and sink into obscurity.  Of course now that they’re fame whores, I doubt they will move back, but a gal can dream, can’t she?

Our ep opens with flashbacks from last season.  Kody tells us that running from home to home in the compound is developing his gluteus maximus.  You know what, Kody?  You affect my gluteus maximus.  Can you guess how?

kodysbettersideKody shows off his better side.

Meri comments on the “turn” their relationships made when the gals were all separated, Kody says the kids have adjusted well to the compound life but the wives, not so much, amd Christine says she thought they would “instantly be best friends” once they moved into the compound.  Watching too many Disney movies, dear?

magicChristine hopes this will be the 5th sister wife.

We’re then told that the adults haven’t really discussed paying for college educations, and it’s time for them to do that.

Meri says Westminster (where Mariah wants to go, in Utah) is $28K a year.  UNLV is $7400.  Kody strongly states he “won’t advocate” the kids getting loans, they’ll have to work through college if they want the parents to contribute to their education.  He also points out that “statistically, people don’t find a career choice in the field they studied”.  Well, they likely do if they study something practical, like say chemistry.  Knowing the Browns, they’ll likely major in the History of Gum or something like that.

Janelle points out that Logan’s expenses for this year at UNLV are $6500.  If you’re doing the math, that’s about 1/4 of the cost of Westminster.

Robyn says Mariah needs a car.  I thought she had a car, Robyn’s old car, cause she was driving it last season?  Janelle asks if Mariah is going to be on campus, why does she need a car, and Meri waspishly tells her she’s not sending Mariah to Utah without a car.  Which begs the question, why is the princess going to Utah as an out-of-state student?  How about she moves there, works for a year while establishing residency and then enrolls as an in-state student?  Just some practical questions . . . which are never answered.  Cause these are the Browns.

mariahsgettingacarMy precious Mariah IS SO getting a car! A nice shiny NEW one!

Kody interjects that they’re not sacrificing Aspyn’s education to “overindulge Mariah” (OH SNAP!), and asks Meri to take money out of her budget since the other wives have multiple children to send to college.  Wait a minute.  The wives each have X amount of college money, the same X amount, even though Meri has only one kid?  So Meri’s using a budget meant to stretch for 6 kids, for just one?  Kody repeats his request, and Meri doesn’t answer.  Selfish witch.

ponyupbitchTime to pony up, bitch.

coldhardYou’ll have to pry that money from my cold, dead hands.  And womb.

Robyn, who’s apparently never met a promissory note she didn’t like, whines to Kody that she doesn’t see there is an option to debt for college.  Kody snaps back “a job that pays well”.

They decide to bring in the Little Princess.  Robyn asks her is she’s willing to go to a Nevada college, and Mariah refuses.

Meri asks Mariah to explain, and Mariah, crying, rambles on about missing their church in Utah, when it’s time to be married, she wants to be in a polygamy-friendly area, and get a polygamist husband.  She says it’s time for her to “move forward”.  How’s about moving forward into a job then, honey? If all you want is a plyg husband, just move to Provo or someplace – or move in with any of your relatives – and look for a husband.  You don’t need an expensive college education for that.

princessI’m a princess, dammit!  I deserve a super expensive education I’ll never use because I’ll be the 8th sister wife of some jackass like Dad!

Somehow this little speech has changed everyone’s minds.  The wives all commit to making Westminster possible for Mariah.  I’m convinced Mariah slipped something into their sodas.

Commercial.

We return to the invasion of the MILs.  Or rather, some of them, since the wives’ fathers are all married to multiple women.  We meet (or re-meet, since we’ve seen some of them before) the MILs:

Bonnie.  Meri’s mother.  Meri clearly didn’t get her nasty personality from mom, who seems to be a nice, tolerant person.

bonnieFor the record, Kody is the best argument against polygamy there is.  And I say that as a polygamist.

Sheryl.  Janelle’s mother.  Very similar in personality.  Remember Sheryl is married to Kody’s dad, so she’s sister wife to Kody’s mom Genielle.

sherylHi!  I’m Kody’s mom AND MIL!  And I’m not skeeved out by that at all!

Genielle.  Kody’s mom.  Clearly very sharp, she totally has Kody’s number.

genielleI know my son’s an idiot.  Can I just say, he didn’t get that from ME.

Annie.  Christine’s mom.  Doesn’t look a thing like Christine, but the crying and drama – identical.

annieI’m a delicate princess.  Just like my daughter.

Alice.  Robyn’s mom.  Robyn says Alice divorced Robyn’s father and married another man, whom Robyn calls her “dad”, making Alice a second wife.  Alice seems nicer than Robyn, and luckily doesn’t have that lantern jaw her daughter has.

aliceNot too impressed with Robyn’s husband #2.

Kody says tomorrow, he’s going gift-shopping with the MILs, and then Sunday morning he and the kids will make brunch for all the moms and MILs.

Commercial.

Is there one gift shop in Vegas?  I ask because yet again, they’re at Rod Works.  Also, why do the Browns think “gift shop” when they think of presents?  Don’t they ever go to, oh, Target or something, and get clothes, or other practical items?  All we ever see is what are undoubtedly overpriced knickknacks from this one shop.  And why “Rod Works”?  To me that’s either a curtain shop or a sex shop, not a gift emporium.  Unless the sex part is in the back?

cheapcrapThose new vibrators look like fun!  Are you with me, girls?

Kody remarks that “comparison is the killer of joy” re: sister wives’ presents.  I would imagine that works with husbands too.  Remember the crushes the wives had on Joe Darger?

Kody wants to get Janelle a plaque that says “I kiss better than I cook”, which appears to be written with magic marker on a piece of cardboard, and the MILs raise some objections, so he goes into a long explanation of why it’s a compliment.  Kody shares he doesn’t feel he’s met the bar as a son in law, which is probably the most astute comment he’s ever made. Bonnie shares that she loves Kody but he “makes stupid mistakes”.  Well yes, marrying your daughter for a start.

plaqueYou just KNOW Kody does just about anything better than kissing.

Kody wants to get a big clock for Robyn, which clearly costs more than the plaque, and the MILs tell him he has to spend equally on all wives, which doesn’t make Kody happy.  Of course not, cause Robyn is still flavor of the month.  Man, I can’t wait until wife #5 shows up . . .

clockNothing says romance like a 40 buck fake-Victorian outdoor clock.

Commercial.

We return to Kody and the MILs having lunch.

Kody tells them what we already heard, the kids adjusted immediately to life in the compound, but not the wives.  Then he talks about that g-ddamned mission statement.  Bonnie shares that there’s a huge weight on men’s shoulders in polygamous families, and the wives she’s met say they wouldn’t want to have that burden.  Oh, I think your daughter would, Bonnie.

menRocking Old-Timey Pioneer Woman chic.

Kody talks about “ratifying” the mission statement in the fall.  He says they work together and raise children together and yet he doesn’t think they’re as close as they can be.  That’s because 2 of your wives hate Meri and Robyn, and vice versa.  Hello!  Annie acerbically asks Kody if he’s just now noticing the issues in his family.  Kody says he’s more aware of the issues now.

bitchFYI, I’m going to be a total bitch throughout this visit. 

Yet again, we get to hear about Sedona and the whole “if I died the wives have to stay a family” refrain. I repeat what I said last season, you’re not Bill Henricksen, Kody.

Alice, crying (bingo!) says he’s expecting too much, and it takes time and patience.  He’s been married to these women for decades, Alice.  Clearly time and patience haven’t worked.  Bonnie says his family is way more united than Kody realizes.  United in suspicion, jealousy and dislike?  Then yes.  Totally united.

Commercial.

Kody’s working with the kids to make breakfast.  Mr. Engineer has all the waffle irons plugged into one outlet.  Guess what happens?  Yep.  And who doesn’t know where the circuit breakers are?  Right again.

breakerLet’s see . . . well, this one is either for the warp core or the waffle maker.  Let’s try it!

Everyone gathers for the breakfast, and Kody, crying, says that they “feel devotion that is beyond our ability to express” to the MILs and the wives.  On behalf of all viewers, may I say that I feel revulsion that is beyond my ability to express towards you and your harem.

wafflesPasty, limp waffles.  So they’re the breakfast equivalent of Kody.

kodyLooks like his gluteus isn’t the only maximus part of him.  And I’m looking above the belt.

Later, the adults gather for another obviously staged discussion.  Robyn says sister wives have to figure out their identity apart from their husband.  Start working on that, dear.  The Browns ask the MILs what they’ve learned from polygamy.  Alice says to accept people who are less than perfect.  Bonnie says each person has unique gifts and talents.

Sheryl talks about the difficulty she endured when she married into Kody’s family.  Genielle says she was jealous of Sheryl, and Sheryl says she felt like there was no room for her.  Genielle says her (Genielle’s) self-centeredness caused pain.  I have to say right here, this just incenses me.  They’ve been brainwashed that their eternal salvation depends on putting up with their husband schtupping other gals, and if they exhibit any natural jealousy or other feelings, they have to stuff those feelings away.  Talk about depraved psychological manipulation.

Getting back to the room, Sheryl (crying, of course) says it takes a lot of effort to commit to a polygamous lifestyle.  Genielle (also crying) says she had to change, rather than make Sheryl change, and Sheryl says they built a relationship brick by brick.

Commercial.

Now we come to the buzz-kill, Annie.  Just like her daughter!  Christine tells us Annie left when Christine was 19.  Annie, crying (really, did you expect otherwise?) talks about she heard a lot about what she had to do to please her husband and her sister wives and says she realized she didn’t need to be told what to do, she was an “inherently good person”.  Whenever someone tells me they are a “good person”, I instantly know they’re the opposite.  Actual “good people” don’t proclaim it.  They just do it.

cryingIt was over 20 years ago but I’m still bawling about it because I have absolutely no maturity at all.

hateIf I didn’t know the others would stop me, I’d kill you now.

Christine shares Annie “left my faith and our family”.  Alice says she was overwhelmed all the time, and Christine shares she was surprised to hear that since she remembers her 2 moms “got along like best friends”.  Apparently Alice wasn’t invited to Christine and Kody’s wedding, and for a time they refused to let her see her grandchildren, fearing she would take them away.  Really, this bunch are the most conspiracy-minded people I’ve ever seen.  Everything is a plot.  Everyone is out to get them.  When the reality is, no one cares about them.

Kody shares Genielle told him he couldn’t cut Annie out of their lives, so they started building a relationship with Alice.

Back in the room, Genielle says “God loves everyone, so it behooves you to do so too”.

After that sermonette, it’s present time.  Kody gives the wives enormous gift bags.  Considering the small size of Janelle’s present, I really hope there was more in the bags than we saw.  Meri got a sign, Janelle got the sign we saw earlier, Robyn of course got that clock, and Christine got a bowl.  Everyone seemed to like their gifts, or at least pretended to.  Thankfully, there was no more crying.

merigiftA picture of you, Kody?  Just what I wanted! Not.

janellegift

Cardboard?  Thanks!

christinegiftWow! A BOWL!

robynpresOh . . . it’s a clock.  I love hate it.

So that’s it for this week.  From the previews, it looks like the wives will continue to struggle with their relationships, Meri talks again about her empty nest situation making her different from the other wives, and they take a trip to San Francisco for no discernible reason.  In other words, just a continuation of last season.  But remember, we have that commitment ceremony to look forward to, and you know it will be filled with crying, “breakthroughs”, and some really badly written vows.  That’s in the fall though, and since this ep was set in May, we’ve got a ways to go yet.  I’ll be making fun of all of it, so join me back here, won’t you?

Also, if you want to read even more of my snark, I’ll be recapping Couples Therapy starting this week.  Taylor Armstrong and Jon Gosselin? Who could miss that?

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