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RHOA Recap: Tears and Fears | TrashTalkTV

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RHOA Recap: Tears and Fears

Last week, Kenya and Kandi argued on the bus about the impact foreign parasites will have on the bird species in the Galapagos. We found out that Mynique’s husband has a thing for short women with big heads. Lastly, Porsha shamed us all when she refused to wipe her gross tear streaked face after a crying fit. Oh, and that whole Underground Railroad thing happened too.

This week, NeNe really wants the girls to stay in the house for the day and bond or “bund” as she, and only she, says. They start chatting about what else? Sex. Kandi shares that she had Skype sex with Todd the night before because men like to see their women play with “it”. Porsha doesn’t think that anyone should come face to face with a vagina. I guess the vagina is a sideways face of sorts but can we back this underwear railroad train up a bit? If someone doesn’t want to be “face to face” with it, that’s a deal breaker in my book.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Phaedra making a faceDoes everyone’s vagina look like this? Cuz mine looks like this.”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe being mean“Apollo must be this small to fit in there Miss Phaedra!”

Confusingly, Porsha shares that she has a tattoo down there and she had a piercing until she got pregnant. Okay. So I guess Kordell would go downstairs and play but the lights had to be off and he had to be blindfolded with sunglasses over that. Mynique obnoxiously questions her about being pregnant. Obviously she doesn’t have any kids lady so just assume she lost the baby and move on with the show. Conversation turns to The New Normal and NeNe’s claim that it was cancelled because people still hate gays. That’s so true! Just like they cancelled Modern Family, Glee, DeGrassi High. Oh wait, those are all still on? NeNe needs a new excuse.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe being mean
“My agent told me to stick with that one line.”

Cynthia pipes up with her proclamation that she essentially wants to redo her childhood with Noelle. Cynthia doesn’t want her to be too sheltered because then she’ll turn into…Phaedra.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Phaedra making a face
“I think my face is stuck like this.”

NeNe says that she was raised in the South and rules were strict. You had to cross your legs, go to school and wait until 21 to become a single stripping mother like any proper Southern girl.  She will not allow Brentt to date at 14.  Cynthia says that she’s not looking for anyone’s approval. Analysis: These women are here to make a show and part of that is saying aloud what you’d normally think to yourself. The problem with NeNe’s critique is that it opens her up to criticism. I’m not judging Bryson but he got arrested twice and had a child in his early 20′s when he was not married. If this is what strict parenting gets you, she might want to pay her $1400 for a class at the Cynthia Bailey School of Dating and Dong.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Cynthia crying
Cynthia: I know what I’m talking about. I teach a class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on how to date my teenage daughter.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe being mean
“Bitch, you have one student!”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Cynthia crying
Cynthia: Arthur requested a private session.

Cynthia is getting a little annoyed and NeNe keeps talking about how bad girls are. Did you know that in Atlanta they twerk at the movies, the mall, Jamba Juice and the post office? I thought Kenya was being stupid by twerking everywhere; she was just exposing us to the local art scene. NeNe’s not taking the hint to stop taking digs at the fast ass teens of Atlanta, which by the way will probably be on the Bravo fall schedule, and Cynthia is getting increasingly annoyed. Well, Cynthia starts crying. Actually, sobbing is more apropos. It’s a full on “My mom is gonna kill me because I left the gate open and Sparky ran away” cry. Or, “I just found out that Momma Joyce is my mother” cry.

She leaves the table and Kenya and Porsha start comforting her. Kenya says that she never had a mom who talked to her or even took ownership of her so she thinks Cynthia is doing the right thing. And now they’re both crying. Meanwhile, NeNe is trying to get everyone on her side and starts asking if she was wrong. They don’t feel that she should lie about her feelings but they say Cynthia probably feels judged. NeNe clarifies that if she judges someone, they’ll know it. Well damn! It gets worse than that?! She says that Cynthia always ends the conversation and Kandi tells her that maybe they just shouldn’t discuss Noelle then. Back upstairs, Kenya and Porsha get Cynthia to calm down and Porsha specifically directs her to “breathe, wash your face, put your smoky eye back on”.  Damn, she made me like her for a minute. That was one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard in response to a serious situation but it was so perfect in that moment.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Cynthia Kenya and Porsha
Porsha: When your makeup looks good, the world smiles with you. Nelson Mandela said that right before the March on Washington.
Cynthia: You’re so right. 
Kenya: I’m surrounded by idiots.

Kenya and Porsha have a *moment* after the crying episode and they “bund” over wanting children so badly. Kenya sees in Cynthia what she always wanted  from her mom but she doesn’t even want a daughter because she wants nothing to remind her of the relationship with her mother. Can someone please send her a telegram and let her know that gender selection hasn’t been perfected? Porhsa says that she’ll pray for her.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Kenya and Porsha bonding
Porsha: I’ll pray for your health and happiness. And lotion. Definitely lotion.

NeNe talks to Cynthia and they simply disagree on parenting methods. Cynthia insists that it’s different because they’re raising different genders.

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9 comments on “RHOA Recap: Tears and Fears

  1. NatPatBen says:

    I was wondering why the editors chose to have us listen to some boring story Kandi was telling when the cockroach flew into the scene. I was like, Oh! That explains it.

    Also thought it was weird that dinner came AFTER a drag show in the episode. Glad you caught the outfits.

  2. Aunt Dorsey says:

    “They also pretend to toss it onto Cynthia and we get to see a fibroid-free woman run.” Heh, heh, heh! Now, if only Cynthia would just run the hell away from that giant festering fibroid, Peter.
    With all the commotion and screaming, I assumed it was a bat so when it was revealed as just an ol’ Palmetto Bug, say what? The cockroaches in Alabama are the size of VW Beetles so I can’t imagine Georgia grows ‘em any smaller.

    Well isn’t Miss NeNe the Neville Chamberlain for our time? What a diplomat. Let’s hope NeNe rolls up her sleeves and tackles the mess in the Middle East next. Kenya should be annexing somebody else’s husband any day now. I got the impression that NeNe wasn’t so much trying to get folks to “bund” as to stir the shit. She didn’t seem too happy that Kenya and Porsha were “bunding.”

    Weavy O’Hara (thanks LAC!) appears to have been taking her meds, I almost liked her this episode. Beauty Queen on bath salts was like a cat who just had a nice big bowl of cream, talking about NeNe’s bald “Hello Kitty”. Maybe NeNe has a merkin, matching her drapes, that she wears only for church and special occasions?

    I don’t think NeNe has any empathy for anyone but herself. A woman with no daughters is an authority on raising girls, ummmmhmmmmm, ’cause they’re just like boys, m’kay. If anyone is twerking all over Hotlanta, it’s that fool beauty queen who’s old enough to know better.

  3. NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV says:

    >>>>Maybe NeNe has a merkin, matching her drapes, that she wears only for church and special occasions?<<<<

    Why would you put that hideous image in my brain, when you know I will never get it out? Why do you hate me SO MUCH, Dorsey?

    Although, since we're on the subject, I wonder if NeNe's merkin would have done a better job raising her four-time loser son? (Although I'd act out too, if all my homies kept telling me "Your mom is like, the least-convincing tranny in the WORLD."

  4. RHOAfan says:

    OMG, you forgot to mention Kenya trying to make amends with Phaedra, and Phaedra ignoring her while she pumped her mama jugs. That was hilarious! Phaedra knows how to clear a room. Girl, don’t ever change!

  5. rachelkashmir says:

    Ug. NeNe has the biggest mouth. I think Cynthia is doing right by her daughter. She’s met Author’s mother. Both moms are on board with not letting the kids be alone. This allows her daughter to develop maturity while still being protected by the mama bear. Cynthia is also being open and supportive of her daughter growing up so when Noell has any of those awkward questions, she can feel safe going to her mother. NeNe forgets that strictest parents have the sneakiest kids.

    I’m getting very sick of this “READ” and “SHADE” nonsense. It’s like they are trying to make catch phrases happen.

    I’m also getting very sick of this “Mynique is half white therefore she doesn’t know how to READ.” It might not be racist but there is in insinuation that Mynique’s ‘white’ side is somehow inferior.

  6. sheesh says:

    NeNe don’t know shit about shit.
    I don’t think Cynthia was upset about what NeNe said, because really, that heffah don’t know shit.
    Cynthia is probably beginning to realize that NeNe is a narcissist and not that kind of friend who will be down for you no matter what.
    Real friends lift you and will not use your daughter’s dating as a soapbox moment.
    NeNe needs to get the fuck out with her bullshit.
    Fuck NeNe, her weave, her bald beaver, The New Normal, Gregg, fuck all of it.

    Who’s hungry for grits!

  7. Aunt Dorsey says:

    “Fuck NeNe, her weave, her bald beaver….”

    Uh uh, no ma’am, not touching none of it, especially that bald beaver, that’s Gregg’s job — but I’m up for cheese grits.

  8. Aunt Dorsey says:

    Well you gotta admit, at least it replaced the image of Weavy O’Hara (thanks LAC!) and the giant-sized bunion pads glued to her nekkid butt.

  9. sarcasatire says:

    First off, I love me some Lady Chablis. I read her book, “Hiding my Candy.” (I love drag queen memoirs..another great one is, “I’m Not Myself These Days..” by one half of the Beekman Boys, who also went on to win Amazing Race. I can’t be bothered to google his name, but hopefully I left enough search keywords for everyone else.

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