RHOA Recap: Tears and Fears

Last week, Kenya and Kandi argued on the bus about the impact foreign parasites will have on the bird species in the Galapagos. We found out that Mynique’s husband has a thing for short women with big heads. Lastly, Porsha shamed us all when she refused to wipe her gross tear streaked face after a crying fit. Oh, and that whole Underground Railroad thing happened too.

This week, NeNe really wants the girls to stay in the house for the day and bond or “bund” as she, and only she, says. They start chatting about what else? Sex. Kandi shares that she had Skype sex with Todd the night before because men like to see their women play with “it”. Porsha doesn’t think that anyone should come face to face with a vagina. I guess the vagina is a sideways face of sorts but can we back this underwear railroad train up a bit? If someone doesn’t want to be “face to face” with it, that’s a deal breaker in my book.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Phaedra making a faceDoes everyone’s vagina look like this? Cuz mine looks like this.”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe being mean“Apollo must be this small to fit in there Miss Phaedra!”

Confusingly, Porsha shares that she has a tattoo down there and she had a piercing until she got pregnant. Okay. So I guess Kordell would go downstairs and play but the lights had to be off and he had to be blindfolded with sunglasses over that. Mynique obnoxiously questions her about being pregnant. Obviously she doesn’t have any kids lady so just assume she lost the baby and move on with the show. Conversation turns to The New Normal and NeNe’s claim that it was cancelled because people still hate gays. That’s so true! Just like they cancelled Modern Family, Glee, DeGrassi High. Oh wait, those are all still on? NeNe needs a new excuse.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe being mean
“My agent told me to stick with that one line.”

Cynthia pipes up with her proclamation that she essentially wants to redo her childhood with Noelle. Cynthia doesn’t want her to be too sheltered because then she’ll turn into…Phaedra.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Phaedra making a face
“I think my face is stuck like this.”

NeNe says that she was raised in the South and rules were strict. You had to cross your legs, go to school and wait until 21 to become a single stripping mother like any proper Southern girl.  She will not allow Brentt to date at 14.  Cynthia says that she’s not looking for anyone’s approval. Analysis: These women are here to make a show and part of that is saying aloud what you’d normally think to yourself. The problem with NeNe’s critique is that it opens her up to criticism. I’m not judging Bryson but he got arrested twice and had a child in his early 20’s when he was not married. If this is what strict parenting gets you, she might want to pay her $1400 for a class at the Cynthia Bailey School of Dating and Dong.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Cynthia crying
Cynthia: I know what I’m talking about. I teach a class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on how to date my teenage daughter.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe being mean
“Bitch, you have one student!”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Cynthia crying
Cynthia: Arthur requested a private session.

Cynthia is getting a little annoyed and NeNe keeps talking about how bad girls are. Did you know that in Atlanta they twerk at the movies, the mall, Jamba Juice and the post office? I thought Kenya was being stupid by twerking everywhere; she was just exposing us to the local art scene. NeNe’s not taking the hint to stop taking digs at the fast ass teens of Atlanta, which by the way will probably be on the Bravo fall schedule, and Cynthia is getting increasingly annoyed. Well, Cynthia starts crying. Actually, sobbing is more apropos. It’s a full on “My mom is gonna kill me because I left the gate open and Sparky ran away” cry. Or, “I just found out that Momma Joyce is my mother” cry.

She leaves the table and Kenya and Porsha start comforting her. Kenya says that she never had a mom who talked to her or even took ownership of her so she thinks Cynthia is doing the right thing. And now they’re both crying. Meanwhile, NeNe is trying to get everyone on her side and starts asking if she was wrong. They don’t feel that she should lie about her feelings but they say Cynthia probably feels judged. NeNe clarifies that if she judges someone, they’ll know it. Well damn! It gets worse than that?! She says that Cynthia always ends the conversation and Kandi tells her that maybe they just shouldn’t discuss Noelle then. Back upstairs, Kenya and Porsha get Cynthia to calm down and Porsha specifically directs her to “breathe, wash your face, put your smoky eye back on”.  Damn, she made me like her for a minute. That was one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard in response to a serious situation but it was so perfect in that moment.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Cynthia Kenya and Porsha
Porsha: When your makeup looks good, the world smiles with you. Nelson Mandela said that right before the March on Washington.
Cynthia: You’re so right. 
Kenya: I’m surrounded by idiots.

Kenya and Porsha have a *moment* after the crying episode and they “bund” over wanting children so badly. Kenya sees in Cynthia what she always wanted  from her mom but she doesn’t even want a daughter because she wants nothing to remind her of the relationship with her mother. Can someone please send her a telegram and let her know that gender selection hasn’t been perfected? Porhsa says that she’ll pray for her.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Kenya and Porsha bonding
Porsha: I’ll pray for your health and happiness. And lotion. Definitely lotion.

NeNe talks to Cynthia and they simply disagree on parenting methods. Cynthia insists that it’s different because they’re raising different genders.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe cheering Cynthia up
“Boy, girl…it doesn’t matter. Everybody poops.”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Cynthia is ready to go
“Models don’t.”

Meanwhile, Kandi and Phaedra are prepping their Southern dinner and briefly discuss how to incorporate the girls into Kandi’s upcoming musical. NeNe is on her way to have fun but encounters a crying Porsha. Someone must’ve used regular gas instead of premium in our little engine that couldn’t. She’s struggling with the divorce and NeNe mentions to the camera that this friendship is one-sided. Back at the room, Porsha says she was on Instagram and saw a picture of her former stepson which made her sad. NeNe says that you go through lots of emotions. You’re going to be sad, bitter, angry and then you’ll marry them all over again.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe and Porsha hugging
NeNe: I’ll get you a wedding spinoff if it’s the last thing I do.
Porsha: As long as taking your headband off is higher on the list.

NeNe tells her that she can pause the divorce and tells her to talk to Kordell. What in the world?! This has got to be the worst advice I’ve ever heard in my life. NeNe reassures her by saying that she needs to know that she did everything she could to save her marriage. On the one hand I agree with trying to save it but once a man publicly humiliates you and you repeatedly imply that he’s gay and abusive, why would you think it’s a relationship worth saving?

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe gives Porsha questionable advice
Porsha: You think he’ll finally take me on that New York shopping spree?

The girls are about to go to a drag show and they are all in totally different casual outfits. The scene literally went from girls in summer dresses to Cynthia dressed like an extra from Flashdance and NeNe dressed like Mr. Clean. By the way, NeNe is drinking a lot. It must be all of the stress from campaiging for gay rights. NeNe, for all of her concern with “bunding”, says that Kenya is acting strangely because she’s giggling and being pleasant with Phaedra. Technically it’s not bonding but it’s a huge accomplishment given their issues. NeNe wants them to actually talk and put their issues aside. Kandi and Porsha are ready to go.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 Kandi's waist
Porsha: Great. Now don’t exhale. Ever!

Oh, and Kenya had her dog brought to Savannah because she was sick. A sick dog in an historical mansion? Sounds like a great way to lose a security deposit.

Kenya tries to talk to Phaedra and says that she’s already apologized. Phaedra says it’s all up in smoke; she has a baby, is about to have a new degree and is over it. Kenya tries to continue the conversation but Phaedra is busy pumping. At the end of Kenya’s case for a friendship, Phaedra says she has babies to feed, people to bury and cases to try so she’s done with this. I sincerely hope she never mixes up that order.

It’s time for the drag show! We get to meet Lady Chablis who’s super skinny and an old school drag queen. Kenya tells NeNe to get onstage and she drunkenly obliges. Kenya says that NeNe is among her own. She’s got big knees, big feet and an Adam’s apple. I suspect this is from the interviews done once they started hating each other. NeNe then asks the drag queen to help her half White friend, Mynique, learn how to ‘read’. Apparently that can be achieved in one easy step: snatch her purse and walk away. Mynique fell for it hook, line and cock ring and a good time is had by all.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 drag show
Porsha: Turn up time!
Kandi: I’ll turn up when I see some ham.
Phaedra: Is L.A. Law on DVD? I need more lawyer tips.

After the show, Lady Chablis chats with them at a bar that looks like it’s straight out of a 1973 Elks Lodge. She offers to buy them a drink and the girls exclaim ‘yes’ like they’re broke 19 year old college students who are completely willing to exchange sexual favors for liquor.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 lady chablis and girls
Lady Chablis: Here’s to plastic cups and refrigerated packaged goods that can’t be sold on Sundays!

Back at the house, the girls are ready for dinner. Of note, everyone is back in their morning clothes and Kenya is back in her morning hair. Sloppy editing, Bravo. Porsha announces that she sent a text to Kordell and they’re all shocked.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 NeNe can't believe Porsha took her crazy advice
NeNe: You seriously took advice from my drunk ass?!

Porsha is acting silly like a ’15 year old in a 32 year old’s body’ as NeNe puts it. NeNe reminds her that she’s fighting for her family so grow up and handle it. Kenya tries to defend Porsha’s vulnerability and NeNe doesn’t understand why because she doesn’t like her. That’s my NeNe, always looking for ways to “bund”.  Anyway, Kandi grabs the phone and sends a response for Porsha. I see the angry, controlling banana doesn’t fall far from the syca-joyce tree. As they await his response, Kandi mentions her musical to see if any of the women would be interested in doing the show. NeNe slickly says in her interview that she’d love to help but she’s busy. First of all, no ya ain’t! Secondly, I can’t blame her for not doing a local musical since she was on a sitcom on a major network. That conversation comes to a merciful end when a flying cockroach enters the home. All of the women run for cover and Phaedra tries to scare it away with her vagina face:

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.29.2013 phaedra scared of bug

They all scatter until just Porsha and Kenya are under the table swatting it with a roll of paper towels. They also pretend to toss it onto Cynthia and we get to see a fibroid-free woman run.

After it’s all said and done, they talk about how nice the trip was. NeNe aks if they should now shower together and Kenya declines since she’s already seen NeNe’s “hello kitty”. She says in her interview that it’s bald just like NeNe. Okay, I LOL’d at that one. I’m pretty sure that this was also from the interviews done once the season started to air and Kenya and NeNe had already ended their friendship. I love when they do those interviews. Porhsa thanks all of the women for being there for her and what was supposed to be a sweet moment turns into another critique. NeNe tells Porsha that they have a one-sided relationship because Porsha only responds when she needs something. I get what she’s saying but they’re basically TV friends and one is going through a divorce. Things get a little one-sided when one is going through a traumatic situation but NeNe doesn’t believe in that. Porsha has learned how to resolve these things and keep her only job ever. She apologizes, vows to be a better friend and hugs NeNe. Kandi thinks these friendships are really needy and requests that no one call her crying for the next week…that’s because she’ll probably be calling them. Momma Joyce is back next Sunday!

Also, next week Chuck plays Phaedra out and Peter has made some more secret purchases behind Cynthia’s back. What’d you think? Was Porsha crazy for texting Kordell? Was NeNe drunk 97% of this episode? Is Cynthia doing the right thing? Will Phaedra’s boobs ever be empty?! Love you for reading and commenting! You guys crack me the hell up every week!

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