Courtney Loves Dallas Recap Eps. 3 & 4 – The Higher the Hair, the Closer to God…
Hey, y’all! First of all, let me apologize for the recap delay – my husband had a freak accident last week. He missed a step, landed on his knees and ruptured both of his quad tendons. He had surgery last week and will be unable to walk for 4 to 6 months! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year all rolled into one! Oy vey. My advice to y’all – DON’T FALL ON YOUR KNEES!
Okay – back to our girl Court. First of all, I’d like to point out that I don’t hate Courtney – I just think she does silly things. Like dress like a 20 year old when you clearly look about 36. Or attempt to have a serious conversation with a “man” (and I use the term lightly) at a party with your besties. Cort (new spelling) was also on Millionaire Matchmaker with that evil bitch Patti Stanger. Patti is an embarrassment to women. Patti referred to Cort as her good friend (is that a TV term?) and called her a “millionairess in training”. Patti kissed her ass because she’s a celeb whore, and fixed her up with the other millionaire on the show. Someone clearly got to Cort because she cut her hair and was dressing a little more age-appropriate. Unfortunately, the hairstyle was a hot mess and sadly, she looked even older than usual. Oh – and she didn’t go on a second date. Success for Patti again! Not.
Separated at Birth?
This time, Cort and BFF Tori are headed to NY Fashion Week. Cort, of course, is concerned with her outfits. She explains to us that this is the first time she is going to FW as a “full-time blogger”, and this could be a jumping off point to expand her blog beyond Dallas. Okay, I don’t quite get it. The only way I can see her expanding is by getting her face on TV as much as possible, but who really cares about a new blogger? Does she think all the designers are going to fawn over a blogger? I don’t know. Also, Cort tells us her finances are “tight”. According to Millionaire Matchmaker and her Twitter account, she’s “doing just fine”. Hmmm. Maybe I should start a fashion blog. Anyone want to join me? Tori, however, has a different agenda. She wants a “fun girl’s trip”. She wants to meet boys. I like Tori. She knows what’s important! But she’s a tad delusional if she thinks hetero males flock to designer fashion shows. Cort’s worried about “turning it OUT” at Fashion Week. I can’t WAIT to see the mangled concoction of clothing she puts together.
We arrive in New York, (yay East Coast!) and Cort is absolutely giddy. They are in the hotel room, marveling at all the yellow taxis outside – very cute. I like New York – just not the Mets, Yankees and Giants. Cort is going to a Carmen Marc “Volvo” show (that’s how she pronounced it), and Tori wants to know is there will be naked male models there. Now, Tori – Cort’s blog is for females, so why would you be going to a male designer’s fashion show? And CMV designs clothes for “normal” women (read: women who are larger than a size four). I’m sure Bravo could have gotten her more famous designers. Or maybe not. The ladies unpack their clothes, and I’m impressed that Cort only brought one suitcase.
There’s a zoo in Dallas that’s missing their leopards…
Tor tells Cort to not be intimidated, because she is amazing. Aw. Tor’s a good friend. Cort’s then reveals her kick-ass outfit for the show. Sitting in the front row, you’ve got to make an impression. White dress, black lace, pop of color in the shoes.. yada, yada. Tori’s jeans and top don’t quite cut it, so she gets a Cort makeover.
Tori – yes; Cort – Um, no.
They arrive at the venue, which appears to be a large, nondescript white room in an office building. I wouldn’t be surprised if CMV headquarters isn’t down the hall. This ain’t no tent in Lincoln Center! Anyhoo, they grab some booze, take some selfies, and plop down in the front row. Cort is very excited, and wants to meet CMV. She says it would be more exciting than meeting her future husband. Funny! The show starts…
The clothes are gorgeous. I want them all. Cort tells us that these colors and trends will hit Dallas in about 6 months, and she will have a heads-up on future fashions to show on the blog. Her face when the show started was really..
After the show, the duo ask to meet Carmen Marc Valvo. Cort’s acting all humble and cutesy – I thought she should have been a little more, I don’t know – direct. Tori agrees, telling her she should step in and make her presence known. So she steps in. CMV is very gracious to Cort, but then Cort does what Cort does best. Talk. In fact, she doesn’t shut up. She’s going a mile a minute. It’s the Courtney vortex. He can’t get away! I’m sure that it wasn’t more than a five minute conversation, but the editors made it go on forever. Thanks, Bravo!!
Actually, CMV appeared to be very gracious. Cringe moment: the girls are basking in an after-show glow when a tiny Italian man (I think he was a man) comes up to Cort and drinks out of one of their wine glasses. Yuck. He doesn’t introduce himself, but he says he recognizes her. He’s a designer based in Miami and wants to make her over. Then comes the smack-down: He tells her she has an “amazing” face and body, but the outfit? “You look like my grandmother in 1980.”
Aw – he ruined Cort’s fashion buzz. That was mean. There’s that element of the fashion populace that are vain, shallow idiots and don’t have any business opening their mouths. I think this was a producer plant, frankly. Tori, ever Cort’s champion, goes over and tells him off, which is exactly what I would have done. I also would have poured a drink on him, just to emphasize my point. What an ugly little troll.
Seriously – weren’t you in the last Hobbits movie?
They return to the hotel and end the afternoon with french fries, warm chocolate and ice cream. Yum. They didn’t tip the bellman, which was tacky. Tor emphasizes that good food won’t keep them warm at night, and wants to talk about boys. Cort reminds her that this is a work trip, and Tor says you can have a work trip and bump into the man of your dreams. Cort does have to open up a bit, IMO. I’m sure there are plenty of guys in Dallas, but she’s got to actually get out there and meet some men. Cort says she hasn’t dealt with all of the emotions from Matt. Let me help you, dear: Admit that you made a big mistake with Matt the Douche. You put on blinders and refused to see what he was from the very beginning: a man-ho. I also don’t think he was ever YOUR friend. He was just waiting to get in your pants, and when he did, he moved on to the next conquest. He’ll probably try to get back with you as soon as he sees you have moved on, because that what man-hos do. You need to mentally end it, chalk him up as lesson learned, and MOVE ON. Thank you. I’ll send you a bill.
Next day is the meeting with Bauble Bar. She looks decent in black and gray (although the skirt is a little too flouncy. Here comes the “Y’all” meeting. Ugh. Learn to speak, Cort! The meeting is a huge success, but our girl got more than she was asking for. Instead of four looks containing fur jewelry options, Bauble Bar wants four looks with fifteen pieces (more variety). Bauble Bar will design the pieces, and Cort will make color and style adjustments. Welcome to the fashion business! Congratulations!
She’s back in Dallas, and guess who calls? Matt the Douche. WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE HIS NUMBER??? Arrrgh! She answers the phone. Bad move number one. She asks him how he’s doing. Bad move number two. He misses her, and he’s sad without her. She asks to meet him on Wednesday. Bad move number three! Before he hangs up, he drops the “love you” bomb. Cort says. “That’s a can of worms I should have never opened.” That’s the first smart thing you’ve said in this show, my dear.
In the next episode, Bravo has to deal with something serious. Courtney’s mom has told her that she went to get a physical and the doctor found a cancerous spot on her face. Cort and Tori are traveling to Fort Worth to support her. Wow – I don’t know how Bravo is going to deal with this type of situation. You know, “actual reality”? I mean, it’s been so long… Oh, and douche bag Matt calls.
If you are making this face when a guy calls, perhaps you shouldn’t be talking to him at all.
The conversation should go like this: “Hi, Matt ! Tell me, are you still a cheating douche bag?” “Well, yes I am!” he replies. Then Courtney picks up a rape whistle and blows hard into the phone. “That’s the only blow job you’re getting from me!!” Cort hangs up and promptly blocks his number. See, that’s what should ACTUALLY happen.
Cort, ignoring Tori’s warnings, answers the phone. Somehow, Matt has found out that Mama Kerr’s diagnosis and wants to be there to “support” her. He wants to bring mom flowers! Asshole. He makes Cort cry and Tori says this is Matt’s M.O. to use this situation to get back in Cort’s life. Tori says to “leave IT behind” and go to Fort Worth. Good advice, Tori. Cort picks out a cancer-fighting outfit (seriously, Cort picks out a cancer-fighting outfit) and they are off. On the way, Tori makes banana-penis jokes and Cort speaks about her dad cheating on her mom and meeting dad’s 19-year old girlfriend when Cort was 25. (Harsh, Dad.)
They arrive a Courtney’s grandmother’s house and I see where Cort gets her fashion-itis:
The fabulous Mimi!
I’m jealous! I would love to have a cool grandma! The house is wild, with animal heads on the walls and lots of tchotskes (sp?). Cort says her mom is the calm, collected one, but she and Mimi are two peas in a pod. This is Mimi’s closet:
Step off, Mariah – this is Mimi’s closet!
Cort and Tori have a fashion show featuring Mimi’s wild closet. After entertaining Mom, the group goes to a hair salon to some big ass hair.
The higher the hair, the closer to God
And Tori is encouraged to ride a steer.
The ladies return to mom’s house where Cort has brought fun gifts to cheer mom up. One of the gifts is a leopard shirt. Enough with the leopard, already! Then the gang watches tapes of Cort growing up. Cute moment. Cort even obliges the group with a cheer. Soon it’s time for bed, and the BFFs end the night with a douche bag discussion. Please note that Matt has not apologized, or repented in any way. He just ASSumes he can pick up where he left off. I want to find Matt and beat the shit out of him. Now THAT’s reality TV! Cort, of course, is worried about her mom. She is supporting the woman who has always supported her, and the entire situation has made her “not afraid of Matt anymore”. We’ll see about that.
The next day is biopsy day. Mom is calm, and Cort is worried to tears. Mimi is dressed in a fabulous leather vest. And off they go. Ten hours later, Mom comes home with a small bandage on her nose with some kind of drain attached. Courtney thought her forehead would be sliced open (did the doctors actually tell her that?), so that’s a bit of a relief. Mom has worn the leopard shirt, and Cort and Tori walk her into the bedroom and lay her down on leopard sheets. Yes – I said leopard sheets.
She’s high as a kite and tried to hide a sandwich in the nightstand. She also tells the girls the anesthesiologist was cute. Drugs are fun, y’all! Cort thanks Tori for supporting her, and it appears that mom’s cancer was localized and she is cancer-free. Yay!
Next week, Cort hires an assistant and meets up with Douche-Face Matt. He’s not good-looking, dear. You can do better. See ya!!!